Chapter 2: Navy dudes: Abandon ship!
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Ranger: Okay Seamus and Rolo'mono have calmed down enough to at least do the narration. I hope.
Rolo'mono: At the start of the human covenant war the UNSC fleet numbered several hundred ships. However due to the vastness of human territories the Navy was spread thinly and could only devote a few ships to a certain area.
Seamus: Geese hundreds of ships but they rarely put more than twenty ships into a battle. That sure is smart.
Rolo'mono: Due to the inferiority of UNSC warships to covenant warships UNSC ships would often have to out number the covenant fleet 3 to 1.
Seamus: Again stupidity on the part of the navy. They spend so much time spreading out that they can't build a sufficient fighting force to defeat a half dozen Covenant ships.
Rolo'mono: In the four largest naval battles of the war the battle of harvest, the battle of Sigma octanus, the battle of reach, and the battle of earth human forces numbered less then fifty in almost all of those battles except Earth and Reach.
Seamus: Less than fifty? So it takes at least thirty ships just to kill a dozen covenant ships. My god how the fuck did humans win this war?
Rolo'mono: Humanity's only real advantage was unexpected tactics, bold commanders, and gutsy moves.
Seamus: Hmm… I guess that must mean elites are morons.
Rolo'mono: Up yours.
Rangers: Guys.
Rolo'mono: Commander such as Captain Keyes managed to win a few key victories for humans such as at the battle of sigma octanus.
Seamus: One of the reasons why he one was this.
Flashback to the battle of sigma octanus 4 opening moves.
Four covenant ships come out of slipspace. Two frigates, one destroyer, and one carrier. On the carrier Silent but deadly… The elite commander is drunk.
Elite commander: Okay you morons here's the HICK plan. The two dumbasses in the frigates kill that human ship while we go conquer the planet. HICK
Aid: Umm… Sir I think we should stick together.
Elite commander: You questioning my authorita? HICK
Aid: Sir it's pronounced Authority.
Elite commander: You know what? HICK I think you should go play with our very hungry jackals.
Aid: What?
Elite commander press a button on his hover chair and the aid falls through a hole in the floor into a bit of Jackals!
Aid: SON OF A BITCH!!
Elite commander: Anyone HICK else want to try and make stupid suggestions HICK or insult my grammar.
All the elites on the bridge get back to work quivering in fear.
End flashback.
Seamus: The commander lost the battle due to the fact that the grunts manning the plasma torpedoes on those two frigates turned off the friendly fire feature. As in they made it so friendlys could be targeted. The elite claimed the screw up was due to the executed Aid he was then promoted to imperial admiral, quit drinking, lead the attack on reach, followed the pillar of autumn to halo, lost his new flagship to Master Chief in a dual, was forced into an escape pod, rescued by a pedophilic elite shipmaster, was court marshaled for not only losing halo but the only copy of the burning crusade in the covenant, was tortured by Tarturus, became the Arbiter, quelled a heresy, was betrayed by Tarturus, made an alliance with sergeant Johnson, killed Tarturus, saved the galaxy, went to earth, helped the Master Chief, went to the Ark, killed the prophet of Truth, helped Master Chief destroy the flood, returned to earth, participated in the memorial of all those who fell during the war, returned to Sanghellios, discovered he was the bastard, time warped, off spring of a blue army private and an a mutated elite, found his father, and spent the rest of his life living with said father on sanghellios.
Long pause…
Rolo'mono:: Okay… That was way more information than was necessary.
Seamus: It'll come in handy when we do the Arbiter.
Rolo'mono: True. Now back to the main subject. Human warships are equipped with three weapons primarily. A MAC gun, nuclear weapons, and missiles.
Seamus: You know you'd think a nuke would be strong enough to blow a covenant ship up by its self but Covenant ships have shields that just barely hold against lighter nuclear weapons used by most human warships. And only a few ships get them. You'd think we'd have plenty of nukes by the year 2500 but no those mother fucking hippies say nuclear weapons are evil and should be dismantled. Thanks for over 12 billion deaths hippies. Thanks for nothing. Fringing crack addicts.
Rolo'mono: Because of these low tech weapons covenant ships can easily out gun human vessels however they have not developed anything that can detect kinetic weapons such as missiles and MAC guns so for safety reasons the covenant have kill on site orders for any human ships and space stations.
Seamus: Real pain in the ass during the battle of earth when the satellite cable went out.
Flashback
A few people are gathered around their big holo TV watching the Minnesota Vikings be one field goal away from winning the super bowl.
Civilian 1: Come on VIKINGS!!
Meanwhile in orbit.
Brute officer: Sir theirs a space station right over there!
Brute captain: Well don't just stand there and play whack-a-mole blow it up!
Brute officer: Right! Fire grunt tube one!
Grunt: I didn't sign up for this!
The grunt is launched at the satellite.
Meanwhile…
Announcer: And the kick is!
Fans: YES!!!
Back in space the grunt crashes into the satellite, its methane tank explodes and destroys the satellite.
Back in the living room the TV goes to static.
Fans: NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Civilian 2: Come on boys lets vent out our anger by killing covenant!
The fans grab assault rifles!
Fans: YEAH!!
End flashback.
Seamus: Truth is the Vikings made the kick and won the super bowl for the first time ever.
Rolo'mono: Dude stop interrupting me to make stupid commentary!
Seamus: Make me!
Ranger: Guys don't make me have to use my ass whupin' skills.
Rolo'mono: Fine. Despite the fact that the Spartans are ground pounders they like naval medics are sent ground side to help in battles.
Seamus: Wait, the Master Chief is part of the navy?
Rolo'mono: Yes the rank of Master Chief is naval not marine.
Seamus: My god. This changes everything!
Rolo'mono: Yeah just wait till you find out he started killing at age fourteen!
Seamus: Oh my god! He could kill as a teenager!
Rolo'mono: And also that he has…
Ranger slapped his hand over Rolo'mono's mandibles.
Ranger: Dude, save that secret for when we do Master Chief. It might save him from crazy Yaoi fan girls but it might kill his image to those who don't pay attention to the halo novels or even read them.
Seamus: What is it?
Ranger: Nap time Seamus.
Ranger pulled out Seamus's remote and hit the power button turning Seamus off.
Ranger: I'd say that's a good place to stop. Next time we touch on Covenant Defectors: Elite's and grunts to the rescue! Read an review!