Ranger24: Valentines days coming. Better get the bunker ready. Anyways here is Sergeant Jonhson.
Sergeant Johnson: Mean and in Green.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Rolo'mono: Sergeant Johnson. He's a character we all know and love because he's always there with something to help the Cheif.
Seamus: Yeah but he rarely gets his hands dirty in real combat in game three.
Rolo'mono: Johnson was one of the first human soldiers to encounter the covenant. In fact you could say he was the first to kill a covie.
Seamus: And for once it wasn't a grunt...
Rolo'mono: Wait your doing a flashback.
Seamus: Yes.
Rolo'mono sighs.
Rolo'mono: Fine let me turn on the translator. Stupid jackals.
Flashback.
In some umbilical between a jackal piratre ship and a human freighter. A couple of jackals wearing space suits can be seen one with a ridiculously large pirate hat.
Jackal one: Okay here's the plan we kill everyone grab whatever is on board and get the hell out of here.
Jackal two: I'm Captain Jackal Sparrow!
Jackal one: No I'm the captain!
Jackal two: Do you have the hat? No so I'm the captain. I say charge!
Jackal two and two more jackals run through the other end into the freighter Jackal one follows for kicks.
Suddenly gun fire breaks out and Jackal two falls dead. Jackal one grabs the hat.
Jackal one: Ha! Now I'm captain again!
End flashback.
Seamus: What followed was grunt treason and the destruction of the Jackal ship.
Rolo'mono: Johnson was involved in dozens of campaigns before and during the war. His heroic actions resulted and the saving of the lives of thousands on harvest and paris IV were he used a crate full of plamsa grenades to save a whole bunch civilans from covenant soldiers.
Seamus: Lets roll the clip!
Clip!
Johnson and a bunch of marines can be seen on one end of the street thrity grunts and jackals on the other. Johnson has a huge crate of plamsa grenades. The referee from Dodgeballl jumps out of a bombed out building.
Referee: UNSC ready!
Johnson/marines: Ready!
Referee: Covenant ready!
A jackal eats a grunts head while another kills its self by gnawing on a grunts methane tank.
Referee: Dodgeball!
Johnson draws ignites and tosses plasma grenade after plasma grenade sticking dozens of covies! The marines however are getting slaughter. Suddenly Patches calls time out as the last marine falls!
Patches: Johnson you have to get angry! Its the only way!
Johnson: How?
Patches: Do what Caboose does!
Johnson: Right!
Referee: TIme in!
Johnson focuses on bad things like grunts killing babies, Jackals tea baging marines and other such! Then he roars grabs the whole crate of grenades, arms them all, and hurls them at the covies!
Grunt two: Oh pop.
Grunt three: I never got to finish season five of red vs blue.
The grenades land and stick all the covies then kill them!
Referee: Winner! Marines!
End clip.
Seamus: He not only one a medal but got a huge dose of radation as a bonus making him imune to the flood.
Rolo'mono: On halo he was the only human, apart from the Chief, to encounter the flood and live.
Seamus: Lad, I kinda just said that.
Rolo'mono: Shut up.
Seamus: No you shut up.
Rolo'mono: No you shut up!
Ranger: Guys don't make me kick your asses again.
Rolo'mono/Seamus: Fine.
Rolo'mono: Johnson was highly decorated for his service on halo and Reach. When the battle of earth arrived he was on the front lines and was there to discover the delta halo and from the allaince with the Arbiter.
Seamus: Roll clip of Johnson threatening Tarturus!
Clip!
The Arbiter can be seen facing Tarturus and his brute buddies.
Arbiter: Oracle, what is halo's purpose?
343 : Colectivly the seven rings.
Tarturus, who didn't get his early morning bottle of milk from Truth and is hence very pissed off roars in anger and grabs Spark!
Tarturus: NOT ANOTHER WORD!
Johnson: Please.
Everyone tuns around to see Johnson holding a beam rifle.
Johnson: Don't shake the light bulb.
The brute guards, who also didn't get their milkly, roared and moved to attack Johnson.
Johnson: If you want to keep you brains inside your head I suggest you tell those boys to chil!
Tarturus shats his loin clothe.
End Clip.
Rolo'mono: After that he returned to earth and helped the Master Cheif and the Arbiter take out the AA cannons and stop the flood.
Seamus: What? All he did was talk over the radio and drive a pelican! He didn't do anything!
Rolo'mono: Don't you insult Johnson!
Seamus: So what he's...
Seamus shuts down. Ranger walks forward.
Ranger: Sorry guys I havve to cut this short. Spoilers you know.
Rolo'mono: You could have finished your halo parody before you started this fic.
Ranger: Shut up. Any ways. I'm Ranger24.
Rolo'mono: And I'm Rolo'mono.
Ranger: And we'll see you next time here on "Why humanity won the war" read and review. Next time The Arbiter: For Keanu Revees!