Warthogs and mongooses: Dukes of Halo!

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Seamus: Hey and were back with another installment of why humanity one the war! So read you morons!

Rolo'mono: Seamus stop randomly insulting people.

Seamus: Up your squid boy!

Rolo'mono: Of forget it.

Ranger24: Today we're going to be talking about human vehicles. So first up is the mongoose, take it away Rolo'mono.

Rolo'mono: Right. The mongoose was revealed in Halo 3 as the human answer to the ghost and brute chopper, which looks liket he bastard offspring of the ghost and the dumpster behind my apartment.

Seamus: Yeah turns out the damn thing was supposed to be a gift to the humans before the war started but the brutes decided to repurpose it.

Kanton: As in put 30 mm cannons on it?

Seamus: Yeah.

Fapad: Can I get you guys anything?

Seamus: A beer here.

Kanton: Coke.

Rolo'mono: Captian Morgan rum.

Everyone looked at him as though he was crazy.

Rolo'mono: What? I like the hard stuff.

Fapad: On it!

Fapad ran off to get the drinks.

Rolo'mono: Okay so the mongoose was put into halo 3 as the human equivlent of the ghost. The Mongoose is tha fastest non-air non-booster vehicle and has the all terrain capabilties of the warthog.

Seamus: A little less so though.

Rolo'mono: The mongoose's rear standing position makes it valuable in anti vehicle warfare. If combined with a rocket launcher it can be highly effective in destroying slower and heavier vehicles.

Seamus: Like half the covenant's armored forces.

Rolo'mono: Oh shut up.

Kanton: Can we move on please?

Rolo'mono: Right, next on our list of vehicles is the every present M12 LRV, otherwise known as the warthog.

Seamus: Yeah I like Puma better.

Rolo'mono: Oh can it!

Kanton: Guys don't start another mid chapter fight!

Rolo'mono: The warthog is possibly the most commonly found vehicle in every installment of the Halo franchise and is mentioned or used in all of the halo novels.

Seamus: Yeah because they couldn't think of what else to give humans apart from a tank.

Rolo'mono: The warthog comes in three major variations. First is the LAAG model. This model comes equiped with a light thirty millimeter machine gun perfect for handleing light armor, infantry, brute babies, Micheal Jackson, the democrats, and air craft such as the banshee.

Seamus: Yeah because really you can just kick back and relax on the Machine gun... Unless theres a sniper in the area. Then you'd better hope you have a good driver!

Switch scene!

A couple of grunts fire on a warthog which runs them over! Suddenly sniper fire hits the hood!

Marine 1: SHIT! THAT PAINTS CUSTOM!

Marine 2: Dude! Watch the road!

The Warthog runs over even more covenant soldiers.

Marine 2: You know what? Never mind.

Back to the studio...

Rolo'mono: The next model of warthog is the Gauss warthog. This warthog is equiped with a small version of a MAC gun used on UNSC warships. The Gauss cannon is used primarily against light armor and heavy infantry.

Seamus: Yeah because trying to hit a grunt with it is damned hard, even when the bunch up..

Kanton: Which is almost always.

Rolo'mono: Both of these said models have seating for three which leaves the shot gun seat open for anyone to use what ever weapon they want.

Seamus: Like a shot gun.

Kanton: Or a rocket launcher!

Seamus: Thats gay.

Kanton: Frak you!

Rolo'mono: Hey where's that grunt with our drinks?

Seamus: Yeah! He's like a bad house elf!

Everyone stared at him for a moment.

Seamus: What?

Kanton: I really don't think a Harry Potter reference is a good idea in a halo story.

Rolo'mono: Yeah I hardly see a connection.

Fapad: Here are you're drinks!

Fapad can be seen holding a tray of drinks.

Kanton: Thanks.

Semaus takes his beer and uncorcks it. He takes one sip then throws the bottle against a wal!

Seamus: What the hell! Why is my beer warm!

Fapad: Me sorry!

Fapad hands Kanton and Rolo'mono their drinks then begins hitting himself with the tray!

Fapad: BAD FAPAD! BAD FAPAD!

Kanton: What the hell?

Rolo'mono: Yeah let's just ignore him.

Seamus: Oh come on this is fun to watch.

Kanton: Was that beer even warm?

Seamus: No.

Kanton: You bastard.

Rolo'mono: Okay moving on. The thrid variatin of warthog is the transport warthog. This model lacks the primary weapon attachment which is sacraficed to be used as a troop carrying section.

Kanton: Basicly its like a box on the back.

Rolo'mono: The transport model has seating for six extra marines not counting the driver and the person riding shot gun.

Seamus: With a shot gun.

Kanton: It'd be better with rocket launchers.

Seamus: Frak that.

Rolo'mono: The transport warthog also seems to be used as a medical evac transport for UNSC personal.

Seamus: Well it's got to do something usefull.

Kanton: Yeah like be an anti air platform with a bunch of rocket launchers!

Seamus: Totally noobie.

Rolo'mono: All warthong models come with four inch armor plating, magnetic buffer suspenstion, and three radio stations.

Seamus: All of which are crapy Latino-polka.

Kanton: Sounds nasty.

Rolomono: Warthogs are very durable. Being able to take most small arms fire as well as light armor fire.

Seamus: Right except they can't take a rocket.

Kanton: Seamus rocket's aren't small arms.

Seamus: They are in my book.

Rolo'mono: Their all terrian nature makes it possible for them to gain strategic control of important

Seamus: And that means you can do all sorts of stunts!

Kanton: Our top scientists here examined the durability of a warthog when it landed on a pile of high explosives. The results show you have better chances of surviving such an incident with a warthog than a mongoose, Chopper, Ghost, or Prowler.

Rolo'mono: Yeah the Prowler also looks like the bastard off spring of the specter from halo 2 and the dumpster behind my apartment. The same with most brute weapons only with the human weapons as the one who frakked the dumpster.

Seamus: Another good thing about warthogs is that you can do stunts with them! Dukes of hazard stuff!

Ranger enters.

Ranger24: Hey guys I'm...

Fapad hits himself with the tray for the fifty-first time.

Fapad: Bad Fapad...

Ranger24: HOLLY SHIT!

Rolo'mono: Umm... looks like a good place to stop!

Seamus: Yeah! Next time! Scorpions and elephants: Slow and steady!

Kanton: Read and review!

Ranger24: GUYS!!

Ranger pulls out his sword!

Seamus/Rolo'mono/Kanton: RUN!!