Love, Marriage, and Babies

"A journey into the more... humorous, facets of pairings."

Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto, would I really be writing this? … Yes, yes I would.

Introduction:

Hello, and welcome to my idea of what could happen if any fan-pairings happened. Some fics might explore the positive sides of pairings, but I am going to rip into any possible relationship problems, and use them to entertain myself and the depraved masses. Now, prepare yourself for stupid jokes, possible character bashing, and things that would make almost any Naruto fan vomit in their sleep.

Hey y'all, watch this!

NaruSaku: Wait, What Did You Just Say...?

Now, I'll admit that NaruSaku was my first Naruto OTP, but as fate dictates, I might as well strike while before the iron is completely cooled off.

Love

Now, since Sakura has (somewhat) recently confessed her (maybe real, maybe not) feelings for Naruto, we (meaning myself and the voices in my head) won't have to make up a scenario for the confession, and this makes me glad because I'm lazy like that.

Of course, if you read the manga, you know that Naruto doesn't buy it for one minute... but what if he had? Believed her, that is.

Sakura: Naruto... I love you.

Naruto (Astonished): R-really?-! You aren't just saying that so I'll give you permission to kill Sasuke (though why you would need my permission in the first place is beyond me)?

Sakura (With shifty eyes and just a hint of befuddlement): Um...yes...?

Naruto: Awesome! Let's make out and completely forget about Sasuke, even though everything we've done over the past three years has been for the sole purpose of bringing him home!

Sakura: --Sweat-drops-- Sure, why not?

And so Naruto and Sakura collapsed into a pile of squirming flesh... Err... Yuck, that came out wrong in an oddly hilarious way.

Marriage

After all of five minutes spent "making out" in the nude in front of several of their friends (… and Sai), Naruto and Sakura decided to get hitched.

On top of Sasuke's still-very-much-warm body.

By Danzō, who was apparently an ordained minister.

Danzō (In a bored tone of voice, not even bothering with covering up the Sharingan he'd stolen from Shisui's grave): Do you, Naruto Uzumaki, take Sakura Haruno to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, yadda yadda yadda?

Naruto (With tears of joy in his eyes): Yes. Believe it!

Danzō (Looking like he could not care less, despite the fact that he had given an order for Naruto to stay in the village): And do you, Sakura Haruno, take Naruto Uzumaki to be your lawfully wedded husband, to love and to cherish, blah blah yakkity-yak?

Sakura (Looking more than a little tipsy): Sure! Why the -hic- heck not? -hiccup-

Danzō (Not even trying to pretend to care any more): Kiss, maggots! Teehee! I love talking like a crazy Drill Sergeant! Ahem! --Clears throat-- Now get the fuck out of my sight before I have you all court-martialed.

At that, the assembled shinobi scattered faster than you could say 'bingo night'.

Babies

Eight months, twenty-nine days, twenty-three hours, and fifty-five minutes later, Naruto was nervously pacing to and fro in the maternity ward, fretting about every single conceivable thing.

Naruto (Fretting about every single conceivable thing): Gee whiz, I sure am worried about the well-being of my wife, which is why I'm out here pacing like an impotent oaf instead of standing at her side as she gives birth! I am a completely responsible and modern parent, believe it.

Sakura (Screaming in pain): DAMN YOU, NARUTO! WHY THE HELL DID YOU HAVE TO KNOCK ME UP?-! OH SWEET, MERCIFUL FUCKING PAIN, THE GODDAMN AGONY! WHY THE FUCK AREN'T YOU IN HERE WITH ME, YOU LILY-LIVERED BASTARD?-! FUCK!

Naruto (Still maintaining his cheerful facade): Yup! I sure am responsible.

Sakura (With even more anger): GRAHHH! NARUTO UZUMAKI, YOU MOTHERFUCKING, COCK-SUCKING SONUVABITCH! WHY THE FUCK DID I LET HIM TALK ME OUT OF BEING PUT UNDER?-! I'M A GODDAMN MEDIC-NIN, I SHOULD HAVE KNOW BETTER THAN TO TRUST THIS HOMEOPATHIC BULLSHIT! 'PAINLESS BEAUTY OF A NATURAL BIRTH', MY ASS! --She pauses to release a number of pained, unearthly howls-- GODDAMNIT! WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE, I AM GOING TO HUNT DOWN THAT WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT QUACK THAT SUGGESTED THIS, AND I WILL END HIM SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY. … AND AFTER HIM COMES YOU, NARUTO, YOU GODDAMN BASTARD!

Naruto (Sweat-dropping): … I'm gonna go hide now.

After several more minutes of screaming and other unspeakable horrors, the baby was born. Naruto entered Sakura's hospital room, and he is greeted by his now-smiling wife.

Sakura (With a look of serenity now on her face): Come, Naruto... Look at our child. Isn't she beautiful? --Holds up the child for Naruto to see--

Naruto: Yeah, she looks just like you.

The baby punches Naruto in the face.

Naruto (Several teeth missing and his nose broken): Wow, she even hits like you, too. --Collapses--

… Meh, the ending there was sort of weak, but I couldn't really think of any particularly good ending gags. -Shrugs- Oh well.

By the way, I'm working on a new fic, this time for Hayate the Combat Butler (Hayate no Gotoku, for you japan-o-philes). I suppose you're wondering why I would want to start another fic when I have so many other multi-chapter fics that I'm already working on, and I have to say that it is partly due to ADD (though technically, I have ADHD), but the main reason is the fact that, despite being a wonderfully hilarious and action-packed series, there are very few fanfics for it, a situation I intend to remedy.

TTFN and R&R!