Disclaimer: I don't own nuttin.
A/N: My LJ is prettier. It always is. This is not the funniest chapter. It's something, though?
Jacob Black's Last Shrill Testament. I'm writing this for all men, so that they might learn from my mistakes.
Entry 5:
Bella, it would seem, after being wrapped mind, body, and soul into a man (former man? male vampire?) only to find herself rejected and cast aside... I guess you could say Bella wasn't exactly girlfriend material any more.
Which IS NOT me being some prick.
What it is—it's a reflection on me being a lovestruck dumb ass. 'cause, man, I should have realized this about Bella. But considering I'd never even had a girlfriend before... Well, not really. I mean I'd had girls like me before, and I'd considered going for it. I just hadn't... I don't know. I sometimes think it had everything to do with my mom.
Mom had always told me and my sisters: "There are too many jerks in this world. Treating others with respect is a sign of self-respect—and there's no one this applies to more than women."
And then mom got smooshed by a semi.
I had no mom. My dad was in the chair.
But I did have those words. I chose to honor them (mostly). Actions do speak louder than words, but it is truly the words by which we must live.
I wanted to help Bella, but Bella was determined to help herself. She got a job, collecting blood from the Forks hospital. I knew this was bad. I told her it was wrong. She patted my head, then flipped me off, ripped open a red baggie, and fuzzed into nothing as she walked away, slurping down the contents, and running off to who knows what.
I tried to get Billy to talk to Charlie about the wrongness, go all dad on her and make her quit. Billy tried one day when we were out fishing, but then Charlie just replied, "Bella is fine. The scrubs at the hospital are blue." And like Billy tried to ask him again, but Charlie was all, "THEY ARE BLUE. I KNOW WHAT BLUE LOOKS LIKE, BILLLLLLY!"
...neither Billy nor I understood, and Billy couldn't get him to talk about anything else other than sports and the upcoming fashion week.
Bella, also, was growing more and more withdrawn, even as she seemed less sad. Even less angry. She seemed coldly rational. Like she was planning something.
The thing is... some people plan out big schemes—all the time. They like dreaming big or imagining unspeakable wrath upon their enemies—but they never actually act upon it. Just words.
Bella wasn't that way. Bella was one of those girls that said she was going to do her math homework and then went and did her math homework. She cooked dinner at the same time every night. Her enchiladas were mad-good every time—and she always got the bell peppers really sweet and crispy so that...
Uh, anyway, long story short: Bella's secret machinations scared me unlike anything else. She didn't bluff—she'd throw the knife.
Sorta like the day she made me turn into a wolf and ride out into some old meadow that she and Vamp-dude used to make googly eyes in.
ADVICE: if a girl asks you to go to her and her ex's old haunts—never under any circumstances say "yes."
I said, "yes."
[Start Night Before Christmas rhythm]
So, I as a wolf, and she on my back,
we traipsed in ze woods til we happened 'pon a track.
We entered the meadow, and she jumped to the lawn.
She sat down with a frown, she lay back with a yawn...
OK, going to stop rhyming now.
Wait, one more couplet!
Now Embry, now Jake, now Uley and Paul!
Now Jarred, now Quil and howl away ALL!
(Okay, really fucking stopping...)
So, I'm like all headed to the woods and shit to phase, when Bella calls me back with a "Come." Because I'm an idiot, I trot on over (tail wagging all happy-like), at which point she commands, "Phase now."
I shake my doggie head, "no." Because phasing "now" would mean I'd be bare-butt-nakie in a breezy field—which would be i-m-p-o-l-i-t-e to say the least, but Bella, serious scary face, says once again, "Now."
Don't ask me why. Just don't. It's embarrassing enough.
I phased.
Next thing I know I'm like scrambling to get my jeans over my tinder because I've had Bella riding me the past hour, and the idea of me being her "mount" and going all doggie-style on her has been playing fancy free in my thoughts and...
So yeah, I'm naked and sporting wood in a field with scary (non-silly) Bella.
But she doesn't say what I think she'll say. Instead she says, "It's really cool when you phase. How do I look when I do it?"
(Scary hot?)
So naturally, I confess to her... "It scares me."
"Oh?" she asks, leaning back and stretching her arms behind her all lazy (shove-my-boobs-skyward) like.
I nod.
"Why?"
"It was like you already disappeared before. Then you started to come back, but then you start to disappear again."
This time Bella is the one who nods, and then she leans back onto the grass so that her hair is splayed all about, and I almost want to reach out and touch it, but then I notice that she's nipping, and this distracts my thoughts until her voice breaks the silence. "Thank you, by the way," she whispers.
(Shaking out my head to regain non-boob consciousness) "For what?"
"For being you."
"Oh." Well, that's cool, right?
"Hey, Jake."
"Uh, yeah?"
"You're really good-looking."
FUCK YEAH!. "Uh, thanks?"
"You don't look like a sixteen year-old."
"Cool. That's because I'm forty like we decided, right?" Levity. Levity.
"You don't even look like you're seventeen."
She was ignoring me, I realized. Except she wasn't. Not all the way (just my unspecial words). She was lost in her own thoughts until she extended an arm out to touch me. Her fingers touched with such care, like she was expecting my skin to burn or jolt her. Then, when they did touch, I shivered because her fingers were cool as they ran down my arm.
"Like you have the flue," she whispered.
"Eh, flue free?" I pointed at myself and chuckled through the tension of the situation.
"I'm going to pretend you're sick."
Weird.
But what was weirder when she sat up and scooted over to me.
My ding. ding. ding! warning alert was affecting my breathing.
My ding. ding. ding! hot-girl-near-your-exposed-erection alert was also affecting my breathing... and my junk.
When Bella pulled herself into my lap, I was stick frozen. There was, after all, only my cut-offs between her and my hard-on, and when she sat down—she pushed against—the fabric pressed—I may have whimpered.
"Shhhhh."
"Bella, whatcha do—"
But she cut me off with placing her hand over my mouth. "Shhhh," she repeated. Her breathing was almost perfectly even. "I'm sorry about being so strange about everything. It hasn't been fair to you." I tried to reply to that, but she pressed her hand down with more pressure. "If it weren't for..." She shook her head. "I guess I'm trying to say that I wish I could give you more." Another attempt at a response from me. Another press of a hand. "I want you to kiss me, Jake, but," and then she took her hand away. "No sex. Not that. Can you handle that?"
Before my brain could actually compute that, I "handled" it by kissing her.
Which was funny at first.
Because at first, she was the one caught by surprise. She gasped, and her eyes went wide, and I felt her back go ramrod straight against my palm.
But then she relaxed. She kissed me back. She was so tiny in my arms. Her lips were chapped, especially the bottom one. It practically was scratching against my own, and I had never really kissed anyone before, so I was worried that this whole business might be crap, but then I felt the daub of wet. Tongue.
I opened my mouth. There was more.
Bella, quiet and controlled before, responded in earnest now. Her hands were on me. I don't know where they were before? But like hands. Hands. Everywhere. And her kisses were just nuts... sucking and biting and aggressive, like she was trying to drink me in and throw me back, and I just, you know, went with it...?
It was my first kiss, and I was totally cool with just kissing, but like I was bare-assed, so I was also super aware that i had cut-offs a la a widdle loin cloth, and then the inevitable happened 'cause Bella shifted, and well, yeah, my dick sprang worth from the cloth and smacked against her stomach.
I tried to cover it. I reached to pull my jeans back up, but Bella breathed, "Lemme."
She separated her lips from mine and looked down.
Then she looked back up again.
She looked confused, but then her face was blank again.
Blank = bad, I deciphered.
"Bella, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for it to— Are you...?" Okay?
"I'm okay?" she sputtered out. Her eyes were huge.
"I hope."
"I've never seen one before."
"I guess they're scary if you haven't?"
"No! I mean—well, yours is perfectly nice—I just..." she trailed off, and her whole face seemed lost in confusion. "We can go now, right?"
"Sure. Sure," I repeated through foggy breaths.
She scooted off my lap.
I ran for the trees. Front covered. Full moon on the back.
When I came back, I was a wolf, and I stayed that way all the way home—even as she slid down off my back and left the woods to run to the front door of her house,
Being a wolf was safer, I decided on my run back.
Heck, maybe being away from Bella was safer (for my heart).
But then as I burst through the trees, I smelled...
ohmotherfuckingshitcuntdamnitalltohellsfuckingsnatchpack—!
Icy nauseating sweetness.
It burned my nose.
Fuck.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Bella's e-Diary
- - - - - - - - - - - -
I've been reading non-Bella books lately. By non-Bella books I mean I've been alternating between Sun Tzu's The Art of War and The Awakening and Dracula and Madame Bovary. For the record, Sun Tzu is the only relevant one in the bunch.
Also, I made out with Jacob and saw his Willy.
I will say one thing: kissing with tongue is soooo much better, but I dunno, I guess I wasn't ready for the latter part. It felt... wrong.
Like cheating.
Kissing, not so much. That felt like revenge. Because I wanted Edward to kiss me like that, and he never did. Not even close.
But as for the rest...
Jake's Willy waving in the air was a red warning flag for me.
Because I've never seen Edward's...
Isn't that a tragedy?
He fake-loved me, and I never even got to touch his icy, cold schlong.
But I wanted to.
For when I saw Jake's... I realized I still do.
Want Edward's (ice sickle), that is. Cold and dead as it is.
I just need to figure out how to get back to it.
— - - - - - ~ - ———————————————-
Pack Meeting - Sue's Notes
———————————————————————
1. Bella needs an intervention - Leah and Cookies
2. No more cookies allowed in the Clearwater at household - it's bad for Harry's cholesterol - the new, non-vampire doctor told us at Forks Hospital. Bella was nice about it though. She made sure he got sugar-free candies.
3. Crazy ass vampires in town. So far, looks like they're scouting. No known attacks, so far. ("Although we all know that the best defense is a good offense." Thank you, Paul.)
4. Welcome Quil!
5. Patrol schedule
a. Sam does all school day patrols. Paul gets out at 1:30 so he's always on then. Jarred, Quil, and Jake will rotate sick days for the rest. Embry needs to get his GPA up or his mom will "have his balls" so he'll pull an extra night shift every other day.
b. Current strategy is to cover as much ground as possible. Our presence may scare them away.
6. Need Wednesday trip to Goodwill for more 13E, 14 and any really big size shoes. Jake is going to have to learn to sow moccasins if he doesn't stop spontaneously phasing... (and Bella going invisible is NO excuse.)
7. Don't care what Bella or her spooky little vampire friend argue about. Charles is never touching a hair on that Ho-bag Meg Cope. (And Billy Black's opinion on this subject DOES NOT COUNT.)
Random Author's note. Everyone should read The Absolutely True Diary of a Part Time Indian by Sherman Alexie because it won the Booker prize for young adults and is like so funny and heart felt and amazing. I laughed. I cried. The cover makes it look like a "boy book" but it's really an everyone-book, so go check out.