*This is so weird, and possibly not remotely funny. I'm sorry. You all are amazing.
Sane people, please leave us to our mad little ways. Thx. Cookies. Run along.
Again. Sorry.
Entry 9:
So, as it turns out, Charlie found my shredded clothing on his front porch. This made him call Billy. Billy told me about this phone conversation when I got home.
It went something like this:
.
"Billy, something's wrong!"
(Billy is folding laundry.) "Oh, what's up?"
"Bella's not home, and there are clothes and shoes bits shredded all over the front porch. I found something that looks like the front panel of a t-shirt that reads 'Powwow 2003.' I think it might be Jacob's!"
Silence. Then...
"Are you sure it says 2003?"
"Dunno. Could be 2002? The end is shredded off."
"It's only that Sue said the budget was tight, so we didn't order any shirts in 2003..."
"Billy, I'm trying to tell you that your kid could be in danger."
"Naw, now don't get your panties in a twist. Kid'z fine. He just called."
"...did he explain why his clothes were shredded on my porch?"
"Charlie, you have no way of knowing that the cloth was from Jacob's shirt or that there was any funny business afoot."
"...There are tatters of shoe and jeans and shirt on my porch, and my daughter is not present. I think I have a sheriff's duty and a father's right to assume any sort of 'funny business' that I—"
"Charlie—Charlie. As a father of three, myself, I understand—I just don't think we should jump to any conclusions."
.
Anyway... long story short, I had to call Charlie as soon as I got home and make up a story. It was a bad story. I "explained" to him that I had been making a campfire with Bella on the charred spot on the side lawn and got distracted, so our mess got left there...
It sounded pretty lame to me, but something about my mentioning the charred spot silenced Charlie. He sputtered, mumbled something that sounded like "orangutan." At least I think so. The phone made weird crackle sounds.
Well, whatever.
Because then I drove into town with Sam and Embry, and we ran into Lauren Mallory, her weird too-pink friend, and a gaggle of girls in short skirts.
Bella (and Laurent)'s Wrath upon Edward Cullen Brainstorming Session
1. Get Bella Turned into a (real) werewolf
Action Plan: Hot wire and "charge it!" all the way to Vladivostok. Wait for full moon. Listen for howls. Howl back. Hide Laurent in tree. (Give him many baggies beforehand for prep.) Get bitten. Get saved. Magicify werewolf!
Advantages: SHE WILL NEVER BE YOURS! -L.
I'll be big, strong, and not clumsy. -B.
Edward will be singl—I mean, singing a new tune. -L.
Disadvantages: This crazy Volturi bastard named Caius will try to eat you. -L
Only get cool monster powers on the full moon -B.
It might be a bit of a trick to find a werewolf who will change you and not eat you. -L.
They're ugly, aren't they? -B.
I think so. -L. (And they smell like rancid potatoes.)
2. Convince Edward that Bella is a Lesbian Cheerleader
Action Plan: Bella and Laurent shop online. Bella sucks girl-face.
Advantages: Cute outfit. -L.
Um... this was not my idea. -B.
Edward will be singl—sing, sing, singing a new tune. -L. (*sings*)
Why do you keep saying that? And why are you singing? -B.
Disadvantages: Edward might secretly have a wild fantasy come true... *sniff* -L.
I'd have to make out with girls. -B.
(What about that Leah girl? She seemed nice the way you described her... -L.)
(She scares me. In addition, I'm pretty sure she tastes like cookies. -B.)
I'd have to wear that shrunken outfit. My inner thigh jiggle would show. I'm so pale. -B.
Moreover, um... I'd never pass as a cheerleader. I'd inevitably fly off into the bleachers. -B.
3. Convince Edward that His Franken Spunk Utilized Its Vampiric Song to Impregnate Bella's Ova While They Were Making Out, and Any Day Now She Will Deliver His Offspring
Action Plan:Email Alice Cullen fake pictures of Bella with a melon under her shirt.
Advantages: It Explains Why You Are Stealing from the Red Cross. -L
Edward would feel so GUILTY. *Cackles* -B.
Disadvantages: I'd have to wear a baby bump, wouldn't I? -B.
(You could say that the baby only manifests while you are invisible. -L.)
This won't work. -B.
Edward might realize that playing with fem—I mean—HUMANS is dangerous and that he should stick with non-impregnable vampires. -L.
I'd be like the "Virgin Bella," Meh. -B.
4. Bella has bestial backdoor wolf sex with Jacob the Wolf!
Action Plan: Dance naked in front of the moon! Rub bacon grease on breasts! Wear a studded collar!
EW, LAURENT. NO! I said, ;-eiruaweoi jldkvld_##$^&%$&*^%
5. Bella Runs Off to Tahiti with Laurent, and They Both Date/Drink Bronze-Bodied Males!
Action Plan: Get to Tahiti and begin debauching!
Advantages: Bronze Bodied Males! Drinking! - L.
Tahiti is supposed to be nice! -L.
Disadvantages – NONE! -L.
Bronze makes me think of Edward… -B. (*sniff*) (It's okay, dear. Remember bent over men. –L.)
Money. -B. (I'll just rob the first schmo we come across. -L.)
Killing people. -B. (Don't be such a softie! - L.)
I do not tan. Neither do you. You sparkle. -B.
(Oh, well, huh. Now, that is a bother... - L.)
6. Bella Changes into a Vampire
Action Plan: Bite Bella. Boring.
Advantages: You'll be fast and invisible. - L.
You won't want to eat me. - B.
You'll be extra pretty! (Not that you aren't now, dear.) - L.
I'll be able to hunt down Edward. -B.
Disadvantages: Bella will be able to hunt down Edward. -L. (Why is that a disadvantage? -B.) (He might hurt you again, dear. -L.)
Bella might eat people. -B.
Red eyes. -B. (Ruby, darling. Say "ruby." -L.)
Jacob won't like Bella Anymore. -B.
Becoming a Vampire is a mite painful. - L.
I might eat my dad. -B. (That would suck. By the way, your dad's hot. The 'stache. The gun. *Swoons* - L.)
Oh. Wait, Victoria would be so pissed at me if you became a vampire! -L.
...
...
WAIT. What? -B.
Oh. My. See, I'd totally forgotten about that. You shared your baggie with me so I pushed the completely troublesome mate-for-a-mate business to the wayside. Taking about business while dining is so very gauche, don't you think? -L.
Why are you still hanging out with Victoria? - B.
Oh. God. Such a mess. I wanted to get away from Irina so I used Victoria as an excuse. Naturally, she completely failed to tell me about this absurd infestation of Clifford-sized dogs you have going down around here. Just imagine. If you hadn't told me, they could have caught and used me for their chew toy! - L.
Well, I did tell you, and I gave you a baggie, so seriously... -B.
It's just that Victoria is, well... grieving... - L.
James tried to eatme. -B.
It was very rude, I know—especially during a baseball game—and on another coven's territory. Despicable, really. I'll have you know I've told Victoria my opinions on the matter. -L.
But she still wants to eat me. And why me? Why not Edward? -B.
James always chased other women. I think Victoria's still angry. Maybe, I should say something, but I was hoping a bit of time would help her heal, you know? - L.
Oh. Well, I wish she'd leave me be. I have my own man issues. -B.
Don't we all, honey. Don't we all. - L.
—————————————
From: Alice_in_Jasper__wonderland(at)gmail(dot)com
To: cswan(at)forkspd(dot)org
Date: 11/17/2005 20:05
Subject: It's all fucking gone clockwork orange at this point.
Dear Charlie,
Hide. Run. Get to a safe place.
Take Your Gun.
(And do not go to Ms. Cope's.)
xoxo,
Alice x-(
——————————————————————————————————————
Friend me!: Twitter. Facebook. BLOG. MySpace.
Crystal balls. Tarot. Reading Tea Leaves. Horoscopes.
— What do all of these have in common?
IDIOTS WHO ANNOY ME.
Halloween is over. Stop wearing it. Just—STOP—it!
——————————————————————————————————————
The Poetry of Edward Cullen
No. 89
Once upon a noontime rainy.
I came across a dame ungainly.
Her cheeks be red; her skin, snowflake.
She did so smell like rare beefsteak,
I wouldst chomp her down like good fruitcake.
But no alas! I am not such a ghoul!
I fled to Alaska amid the cold and cool.
I braved the blond and female beast.
And though my hunger wouldn't cease,
I made myself ignore the toothsome feast.
Then fate did bring me back.
And I doth fell in love with my rib stack.
Even though I wanted to drain her dry,
Even though I wanted to sex her high,
I refrained so that she'd not die.
But then my bro would have ate her.
So I spiriteth us away to keep her safer.
But I missed her so. I missed her so.
Each second be agonized vertigo.
I write this poem to let you know!
But now it ends!
Now I go to search and find.
Now I go to make her mine!
And now, dear readers, we move onto the final Act.
(Presupposing there are actually Acts in this mess…)