Copyright. Not mine. Word?
On milk shakes and pickles and… well, you'll see.
Entry 10:
So, I'd never really coveted Sam's chieftain, pack leader, I-am-the-ALPHA's (I've decided ALPHA must always be uppercased.) job until the day that the shit hit the fan.
Um. It goes like this... Following the epic trippy Charlie phone call, Embry showed up at my door.
Naturally, he was looking for food.
"I ate the last of the macaroni," he explained, while ravaging-raping-pillaging the paltry stores of my pantry.
"But didn't your mom make you make like... nine gallons of cheese-glopped pasta?"
Billy'd told me she went straight to a local dairy to get the milk and cheese. Skip that fucker middle man. Billy had been impressed by her inventiveness on this.
"Seven max, and anyway, I'm trying to stop smoking. I think it's making me even hungrier."
"Cool... although we heal fast and stuff? So like can't you pass off the lung cancer and leave me some peanut butter crackers???"
"My mom said I need to save more money for shoes, and uh, cigarettes are ass expensive."
"Oh, I got a plan for that. I have a change bucket to save for mine. I put all my change in there—and the next time I pop the soles off, I can use my change bucket."
Embry was giving my jar containing mostly pennies a pitying look. "We need jobs."
I shrugged.
That's when Sam showed up.
"I need to talk to you," he growled at me.
Ooooh, Sam's big bad voice. "Scary."
(Okay, a little scary.) I may have rolled my eyes at him.
Anyway, so Sam tells Embry and me that he's going to take us out for food. This is mad suspicious because like... going off the rez means he wants to say shit that's either pack-related or flat out annoying.
But whatever, we go.
We ended up going to The Pine Steeple Cafe, better known to us as The White People's Cafe (especially since it's in a building that used to be a church… yeah WEIRD). But unlike the small store we have going on the rez, the Deli actually makes good milk shakes. Big ones! Like-this-is-why-heart-disease-is-the-number-one-cause-of-death-in-the-United-States BIG, big ones.
So fucking awesome.
Right. So we walked in, (I had to duck through the low entry.) and then I saw them: Lauren bitch pants, pinko-fashionista, and some other girl with dark brown hair that was dissecting her napkins into shriveled bits.
Apparently, this caused me to stare. Because...
"Jacob," Sam called. "Jacob."
This failed to affect my focused-on-a-hot-girl sensibilities.
Thus, Sam barked, "JACOB!"
And yeah... Like, his ALPHA tone was probably the only way anyone could have snapped my tit-locked brain out of its testosterone-drowned fixation, but still—I was NOT the only one who noticed Sam's ALPHA voice. Not at all. Because everyone in the diner, they all stopped, and then their eyes flicked toward us, and I got to tell you, it was like dominoes falling or grass bending with the sun or lemurs doing that group goggle a la Animal Planet. Thus, please visualize along with me: in sequence, they all turned and looked. Lauren, pinky, and the brunette napkin butcher, all included.
But that wasn't the worst of it. No. No. Cuz then my nostrils flared, and I couldn't stop myself. I sniffed.
And wanted to jump out of my skin.
Cuz the smells...
(They were not the sorta smells one should notice in polite company.)
I'm being whiny without being specific, but to be straight, basically, it smelled like the whole room went into heat.
A pheromone fiesta!
All because of Sam's I-AM-THE-BIGGEST-DICK-IN-THE-ROOM ALPHA voice.
...and well, I shouldn't be too hard on the guy, because when Sam noticed it, he seemed a bit flustered.
As his Beta, I had to save him.
"Yes, Sam?" I asked with my most innocent, sixteen-year-old expression.
"Our table is ready," he said in a slow, oh-my-God-you-are-so-fucking-getting-blamed-for-that sorta voice.
Menace... Ouch.
Even Embry was looking sympathetic.
Anyway, we sat down and ordered a small whale's weight in food. Our waitress was looking all flustered at first, smiling too much at Sam, but then she started to frown as her hand got tired from all the writing on her pad.
I thought about making a joke about that, but eh…
Um, yeah, it seemed Sam wanted to talk about the Cullens over French fries and chocolate shakes.
It went like this: treaty, treaty, blah, blah, blah. I am the ALPHA. Treaty. Jake your love-bunny issues with Bella are going to be a problem. Blah. Blah. Treaty. Can't trust the white man. Especially when he has really sharp teeth. Treaty. It's a good thing you're quitting smoking, Embry. Leeches suck. (Literally, hah. (And yes I've told that one before but it's still funny, okay?)) These milk shakes are delicious. Duh. Emily makes better ones. Of course, she does. But for sure, they'd be better with the milk that Embry's mom gets from that local dairy. Right. Bella. We'll work with Charlie and Billy on Bella. Fishing. The river. Treaty lines. Are you both keeping up with school? ALPHAS don't need to worry about school. Emily should worry about school though. Leah is such a bitch. Treaty. Blah, blah…
So, yeah, boring and condescending.
Meanwhile, I lose focus and start fucking around with my curly fries and pickle. (P.S. Curly fries FTW!)
It is only after my pickle has successfully battled foul curly fry into the ketchup pit that Sam notices I am not paying attention to him.
"Jake, what the fuck are you doing?"
I look up to see Sam giving me an enraged ALPHA glare. "Er… would you judge me if I told you that I was planning battle tactics?"
"I'm judging you for bouncing a French fry on your plate—while flogging it with a pickle. As for the rest, you're fucking weird."
I frown. "Okay, so I need to spell this out." I pick up a new curly fry. "This curly fry represents a vampire—you see why? Because it's coiled and snake-like, while the thick, sturdy pickle is the wolf—so this whole set up is like a mongoose and cobra—because you know, the mongoose always fucking whoops ass on the cobra. It snags it neck and then beats the shit out of the freaky string shape…" I trailed off, even though at this point my current curly fry is bathed in ketchup blood and my pickle is starting to look decidedly battered.
Embry blinks when I stop. It would appear he was quite rapt in my presentation.
Sam, however, is looking pissed.
I think about offering him my pickle—but I'm sure that will not end well.
Gods be praised though, because a familiar haughty voice interrupts the tension. "What were you doing with that pickle?" Lauren is standing aside our table.
Okay… shit. But I rally. "Demonstrating battle tactics to my colleagues here." SAVE!
"What, for football or some sport?"
"Uh, not exactly, but close?"
She raises her eyebrows, but then she turns to Sam. "You have a nice voice."
"Thank you," he gives the glib reply. I get a glare.
Lauren blinks at him, appearing confused as to why he's being short with her, before shrugging and turning back to me with her mouth slightly ajar. I'm about to open my mouth, try to do a "beta-save" and say the fiancée word, then I see her jaw fall completely open—and there's a brief millisecond where I think it's because she's realized the hotness that is Jacob Black, but then I smell something…
Icy.
I turn toward the window, and there outside, standing there with his freaky snake-bean skin is that bitch.
Edward Cullen.
Despite everything, my first thought is to wonder if he listened in on my curly fry-mongoose battle.
Text to Bella.
YER LeECh BF just cock-blocked me.
Bella to Jacob
…
I don't know where to begin.
I suppose…
Why are you involved with his cock?
Jacob to Bella
I am NOT…
Jesus.
He and Sam are giving each other
creepy ALPHA looks
through the window.
WAIT. He's coming inside.
Bella to Jacob
What's he wearing?
Jacob to Bella
wtf?
Bella to Jacob
Sorry that wasn't me.
I had to wrestle my phone
from a sobbing gay vampire.
Jacob to Bella
Edward heard that.
Whole fucking telepathy thing.
Sorry.
Bella to Jacob
Later. I need 2 comfort L.
He has a crush on Edward.
It's given him bad thoughts
about me.
Jacob to Bella
The leech is demanding to know
what the "bad" thoughts are.
He's holding my pickle in
his hand.
He might crush it.
Sam thinks it's funny.
ALPHAs suck.
Bella to Jacob
Oh, ::sigh::
L has thoughts about
turning me over to Victoria.
It's okay now.
We are working thru
this.
Jacob to Bella
WHERE R U?
Bella to Jacob
I gotta go.
FRENDs b4 Men!
Jacob to Bella
Bella, where R U?
Jacob to Bella
Bella!
Jacob to Bella
He crushed my pickle…
Jacob to Bella
And the hot blond bitchy
girl left me…
What happened to frenz
b4 men?
I'm yer frend.
SRSLY? Pleaz.
My pickle.
| i l \ |I :| / l i\ |
A Tree in the Forest...
| / l i\ || / l i\ |
| i l \ |I :| / l i\ |
BELLA + LAVRENT
BFF 4 EVR
.
But five minutes later...
.
BXII*())IIENT
XXX4\\\|||
LAURENT, U R A TRAITOR.
VICTORIA + JAMES
4vr
R.I.H.
BELLA SWAN
(H = Hell)
-V
.
| / l i\ || / l i\ |.
Um... dun, dun, dun???
I've decided this will be 12 chapters... so two more. It may or may not be written as a musical. Definitely a play, but whether or not there will be chorus lines is questionable.
Thanks to kstew411 for reccing this. It made me smile. :-)
Uh, and sorry 'bout the wait. I always seem to write this while drinking...