Copyright does not belong to me.
So, this is the campiest, insanest shit ever-but if you've read up until this point-what else would you expect? Lubbs you all. Oh, and you might want to leave this playing in a separate window while you're reading... just cuz:
www(dot) youtube(dot)com/watch?v=_FmGtCIOwB4&feature=related
Act 12. Scene 1
Charlie Swan is talking to Leah Clearwater when his phone beeps. Leah is wrapping up some of Harry's fish fry and more of those damn gingersnap cookies her mom insisted she make, when she hears Charlie sputter in surprise.
I am having a fiery birthday party
at the cabin at Rainwood Rd., just
three miles off the 101 after the truck
stop. Juliet is my muse, jsyk. 3
Charlie: Well, that's weird.
Leah: Bella do something screwy again?
Charlie: [Brow furrowed] She sent out a message that today was her birthday. Her birthday's in September.
Leah: [Freezes.] Birthday? Charlie, let me see the text. [Charlie hands her the phone. She reads it before looking back up at him.] Is Bella still hung up on Edward?
Charlie: I dunno. She's been better with Jake around, but then again, since she got the job at the clinic, she hasn't been like before—but she's been weird… [He trails off, looking guilty.] I noticed that she's been wearing some fashion forward color combinations lately…
Leah: I think she's about to do something even more drastic.
Charlie: Drastic. You mean—Juliet—you mean—suicide?
Leah: Yes. That's exactly what I think. Either way, we should go.
Charlie: That's what this message is! A cry for help!
Leah: I don't know if we'll be able to stop her, but—
Charlie: We have to try! Now!
He runs for the door. Trailing his heels, Leah follows, a bag of cookies unconsciously gripped in her hand.
Act 12 Scene 2
Edward appears in the meadow. As it is winter, it looks like more a trampled hay field. Then again, it's Forks, so there's still a lot of green. Edward scans the field, sniffing the air. When the breeze hits his back, he turns and growls. He can smell the wolves tailing him. Yet, still, he has time, for no one else can find Bella like he can. Not with the way her scent is so overpowering strong. It mows down Old Spice with its potency.
Edward: [Picking up a flower. Chokes on non-tears as he grips the stem to his chest. Starts to sing along to the beat of Phantom of the Opera.]
Her blood it sang to me
At our lab desk she came
To sit down next to me
To speak my name,
And do I smell her blood?
For now I choke!
My tua cantante still stings,
Inside my throat!
He takes off, running at full throttle.
A moment later, three large shapes burst into the meadow only to stop and stare at one another. The red wolf looks at the tan wolf at his side. He shakes his head in a wolfy show of exasperation. The grey wolf in the front gives a commanding huff. They follow the trail of the vampire.
Act 12 Scene 3
Bella is waiting in the upstairs window. There's no glass, so her arm is lazily swinging to and fro with the breeze. She has a wet cloth pressed across her face to handle the smoke. Laurent is sitting on the front porch step, listening to the air.
Bella: By the way, whose cabin is this?
Laurent:Oh, someone named Newton.
Bella cackles, smiling to herself, and then the quiet waiting resumes. After another minutes Bella cringes and frowns, rubbing at her leg.
Bella: I really hate waiting. I've been waiting for that asshole for almost a whole year. Also, my leg stings like hell.
Laurent: You can wait ten more minutes. You won't change into a vampire that fast.
Bella: Ugh. Then again, I still wanna see his schlong.
Laurent: [Huffily] Shhh!
Bella: Right. Right… I won't forget your promise you know.
Laurent: Indeed, you won't.
But then Laurent freezes. He turns to the woods, already backing away, nostrils flaring and eyes wide.
Bella: [Whispering loudly] Is it him?
Laurent: It's—It's—
Victoria: [Stepping out from the trees.] It's Victoria!
Bella: Oh, shit.
Laurent: No. No. NO. NO NOOO. You aren't supposed to be here!
Victoria: I've come to get my vengeance!
Laurent: No, we're getting our vengeance now! You have to wait!
Victoria: How DARE you! I was wronged first!
Laurent: Not so! My boy-love issues have been going since you were in diapers, Princess! Moreover, we have a theme song and everything. [Launches into song.]
The secret to our vengeance creed
Is that he can hear all but thee!
[Stops singing and cries out:] See, so there!
Victoria: You're not the only one with a song, Laurent.
[Singing.]
The secret to my vengeance creed
is that I am strong.
The secret to my vengeance creed
is that you are weak!
Laurent: [Raising a nostril in dismissive disgust.] Yours doesn't even rhyme.
Victoria: I DON'T CARE!
Laurent: Well, maybe, I dooo.
Victoria: I will have my revenge! [She lowers into a crouch.]
Bella: Oh, shit. I mean I feel like shit. It's not just my leg anymore.
Laurent: [Voice sounding shrill.] Stop that! No crouching! No lunging either! Play nice! Bella's my friend! You can't just eat her. [To Bella.] Drink you baggie, dearie—on the double!
Victoria: You were supposed to be my friend. I trusted you! I went beyond the pale for you! I gave you an excuse to get out the clutches of that hot Russian chick—but now… Now, I have been double-wronged. First by this blood sack and now by you! You will pay with your last breath!
Laurent: [Whimpers] Last breath?
Victoria's leg flies back at the same time that Laurent shrieks and runs for the forest—to which Victoria responds by cackling and glaring at Bella.
Victoria: Your blood is mine!
But then, coming in from the west, two new shapes emerge.
Alice: I knew it!
Jasper: [Coming up at her side] You know everything.
Alice: I got the red head.
Victoria: Curses!
Jasper: I'm going to track down the male...
Jasper sighs in the direction of the howling retreat of Laurent, before running in pursuit.
Bella, meanwhile, is no longer at the window, but rather scrambling out the back of the cabin. Victoria leaps after her. She is halted, however, as Alice leaps and snatches for Victoria's toes. Victoria—having her own superpower of escaping—evades Alice's untimely swipe, but it costs her. Instead of neatly flying in through the window, she crashes into the lower story. Alice sails out of her dive with an Olympic like sit-spin, and turns already chasing after Victoria.
But Victoria is pushing out the back door if the cabin-only to grind to a halt. She blinks, staring in confusion as a white dress seems to be floating across the forest. Alice, too, is staring in wonder through the smoke and dust of the cabin's destruction. They both watch as the white dress suddenly stops, suspended in the air before tumbling to the floor. The dress remains stationary on the ground, but the sounds that were with it before… a lubdublubdub gushing heartbeat continues to move in the opposite direction.
Both Victoria and Alice's thoughts are simultaneously confirmed when a voice is heard.
Bella: [Groaning] Ow. Ow. No—man—or really—really—hot monster—is—worth—this.
Victoria: Ah hah! I will find you yet! [She races toward the sound.]
Alice: No, you don't!
Alice lunges after her. Victoria evades as she did before, but Alice's own talent counteracts Victoria's. Victoria dodges Alice by swinging around a tree trunk—but mid-swing, Alice cracks the entire tree and Victoria's pretty trick ends with her barreling across the forest floor—the tree branches splintering around her.
Then, both vampires are staring at each other again. Faces growling.
Enter Edward.
Edward: Alice!
Victoria: Curses!
Edward: Where's Bella?
Alice: Meet your end, Vicky!
Alice lunges. Victoria, trapped between her and Edward, tries to dodge—but the combined power of Alice and Edward's talents is too much. Edward captures her.
Edward: Where is BELLA?
Victoria: [Angry snarl.]
Alice: Edward—she's—she's—
Victoria: Dead.
Edward: No, she's not!
Victoria: My apologies… she's not dead—yet. But listen...
Victoria inclines her head in the direction of where they last heard Bella. They all listen. There's the thumping from before the lubdublubdublub, though now fainter. The soft silence is interrupted when they hear the quiet voice…
Bella: [Whispers] Edward…
Edward: Bella?
But then her heart stops beating, and no reply is heard.
The forest is dead silent.
Jacob Black's Journal
Entry 12:
I arrived there first. Just in time to hear the crackling rip of marble flesh. The flap of her neck was in his teeth and the fire-red strands of hair rippled across his face as he swung the ball of white and red into the air. We heard it thump at a distance of what must have been a mile away.
An angry thump like an old time canon ball.
Dull and so permanent. (I shivered.)
Then I watched him run.
I followed him, not knowing where I was going, not knowing anything—except feeling an overwhelming sense of dread spiking in my stomach.
Then he stopped at an indentation in the leaves. It looked distorted at first, like the leaves were fungi-covered, or filmy in some weird way—but then, I was able to discern the shimmering outline. The feminine curves.
That was when Edward reached down. He scooped her up. Bella. He leaned down right where her neck should be. He drew in a breath.
He was smelling her, I realized.
Ew.
Also, fuck. Sad. The dread dropped like a dumbwaiter without a chord into the rock bottom of my lungs, because I realized that Edward was holding invisible Bella—and Bella wasn't breathing.
I gasped—I think. I know I slapped my hand over my mouth. I was only half aware of the small female vampire at my side, the approaching pad falls of my brothers, and the screech of a truck jerking into the drive. I was only half aware because the weirdest fucking thing was happening.
Ass-pucker weird.
Edward had started to sing.
Act 12 Scene 4
Edward:
[Phantom of Opera melody Take Two:]
Sing once again with me
Brand of heroin
I need your stumbling walk
I need your scent
And though you turn from me
Beg immortality
This vampire you loved is there
Just outside your mind!
Edward's voice cracks on the last syllable, and all fall silent, until a new voice enters the clearing—bright, clear, and a surprisingly pleasing tenor.
All turn to see Laurent, being carried out of the line of trees by an exasperated looking Jasper.
Laurent:
[Phantom of Opera melody Take Three, Christine's Reprisal]
Those who have seen your face
Might just turn queer
I am the man you want to wear!
Edward: What?
Laurent: No, no, no. You're supposed to sing [He sings in a deeper voice.] "It's me they hear!"
Edward: [To Jasper] NO. What the hell is he doing here?
Jasper: [Apologetic] He surrendered?
Edward: And you carried him?
Laurent: And why not? Blondie, here, has fabulous upper body strength. [Grins.]
They are interrupted, by the undeniable crack of a gun. Embry yelps, and all turn to see Charlie, with a frenzied Leah standing at his side. The bag of cookies that Leah holds is unconsciously shaking in her hand. Her eyes are wide—terrified.
Charlie: I'll save you, Alice!
He fires again. Embry yelps again.
Alice: Charlie, no! Wait—you don't understand!
Charlie: Damn wolves! They're the size of small houses! [Fires again.]
Leah: Charlie! Stop shooting! It's not the wolves you need to worry about!
Alice: Stop shooting!
Leah: Shoot at the vampires!
Charlie: [Paling. He turns to face Leah.] V-vampires?
Leah: Yes, that little freak you have a not-so-secret crush on is a vampire!
Charlie: What? NO! Those giant wolves are going to eat people! [Points to Victoria's body.] They already ate that woman's head!
He raises his gun to fire again—but Leah grabs at for the barrel. Charlie resists, pulling back. Leah grabs even harder until suddenly she shrieks, falling back. The gun goes off—but at the same time there's a new sound, one of ripping flesh, and then Leah is no more. There is a explosion of cotton t-shirt, rubber straps, and denim, and then a wolf, much smaller and thinner than its male companions is thrashing on the ground.
Wolf-Leah: HOWL! YIP! (Bark?) Hoooowwwwllll-Howl—Hooowl! [Snarls in the direction of vampires.]
The Other Wolves: Howw-ooo!
The other wolves run toward Leah, herding her away from Charlie's broken figure. Alice starts to run toward Charlie—only to stop mid-step and gasp, pinching her nostrils, squeezing her mouth shut and backing away. The wind catches the scent. Blood. Charlie's blood. He's been shot.
Dropping Laurent, Jasper leaps forward, unable to stop himself, but Laurent blocks him, gripping his wrist—Jasper turns ready to fight, when Laurent's hand springs forth from his back pocket—one of Bella's biohazard baggies in hand—and pops it into Jasper's mouth. Jasper blinks, before sucking happily. He falls back with a gurgle.
Laurent races toward Charlie.
Laurent: Is he okay?
Alice: No! He's been shot in the lung. He has minutes, at most.
Laurent: Can't you call that fancy-pants doctor father of yours? The hot Brit?
Alice: He's in Rio!
Laurent: No kidding? I really want to go to Rio, but Bella—
Alice: Focus! We need to save Charlie.
Laurent: Then move aside, woman! I'm on this! Charles will live!
Alice: Wait! What… are… you…?
She watches as Laurent pulls out the syringe again. He sucks the venom out of his mouth, and then he plunges the hypodermic needle into Charlie's chest.
Alice: We're too late! It won't be enough.
Laurent: No— [He stabs the syringe into Charlie's chest again.] Not for this fine looking mustachioed man—he can't—no—Come on, Charles! [Laurent wrenches Charlie out of her arms.]
Alice: Laurent!
But Laurent is tearing at Charlie's shirt. He rips open the light brown uniform and then makes short business of the white cotton undershirt, and then Charlie's wound is exposed. Laurent leans down. He presses his mouth. He sucks.
There's a moment when all still, and Laurent is spitting a bullet out onto the lawn, only to return to Charlie's chest, tongue poking into the hole, venom leaking out, and then the wound is closed, sealed by venom.
Alice: [Blinking in shock] He'll live. You saved him. You saved Charlie! [She hops giddily.]
Edward: But what about Bella? Charlie will awaken only to discover he has no daughter!
Laurent: [To Alice] Oh, you do see the future? Neat! Yes, how long for Bella?
Edward: What do you mean—how long for Bella?
Alice: [Ignoring Edward] Two days tops. Nice job with the syringe to the ankle.
Edward: Wait—you mean… [He leans down and sniffs the filmy corpse he holds.] She—she—she smells like venom! Like venom! AHAHAHAH! Like venom! AHAHAH! Oh, Bella!
Edward spins in a circle, bundling a foggy Bella close to him in his arms.
Laurent: [To Alice] Dear me. Baby Jesus is crying. That laugh was horrifying. Okay, I don't find him attractive any more now. Your hubs on the other hand…
They turn to both look and see Jasper sprawled out on the lawn with the blood baggie flapping across his mouth as he sucks.
Laurent: Well, I at least see where you're normally blessed with a fine man. I can't say I was all the self-possessed when I had my first baggie.
Alice: [Eyes unfogging] I have nothing to fear between me and your husband.
Laurent: [Snorts] Of course not. He's blond—and too young for my taste… despite the nice arms.
Alice: No. I mean, you and Charlie. You're going to be…
Laurent: Charles and I—you mean—we'll be mates?
Alice: Yes.
Laurent: [Claps ecstatically] Oh, Charles! Yes! He's going to be raging hot once he's done baking—isn't he?
Alice: He is. A very fine mustache, if I do say.
Laurent sighs happily. Strokes his hand across Charlie's chin.
Edward: Hey, um, guys, by the way…
Laurent: Yes, dear?
Edward: Uh, why is Bella semi-transparent?
Laurent: [Chuckles and pats the dirt at his side] Wouldn't you like to know…
Edward: [Warily eyes the spot at Laurent' side] Um, maybe, I would….?
Alice: [Eyes unfogging] From drinking hospital blood, really? Even as a human? That's bizarre.
Edward: Wait! Why is Bella drinking blood?
Laurent: Because it turns her invisible. [Eye roll.]
Alice: And it'll make her a really cool vampire!
Edward: But, but, but…
Laurent: But she's not going to put up with your buts anymore. She'll have your ass when she wants it.
Alice: [Eyes unfogging again] Yes, there is no other path.
Edward stares at them blankly for a second, before glancing from Alice to Bella. He must be seeing some interesting visions in Alice's head, because he shivers suddenly, and relaxes his grip on Bella. Then, as Alice shakes her head, Edward sets Bella carefully down onto the grass beside Laurent. Edward presses a kiss to her forehead and then backs away like he's trying to get out of reach of a dangerous animal.
Edward: I need to hunt. [He gulps.] I'll be back, though—soon.
Then he departs, running like a demon is chasing him.
Laurent: Is he that afraid of sex?
Jasper: [Calls out around his blood baggie] Yes'm!
Laurent: Such a waste…
Alice: The two days head start won't do him any favors. You can't run from what you can't see chasing you.
Laurent: [Cackles] Indeed.
Sighing softly, Laurent leans forward. He brushes a stray hair off of Bella's cheek and smiles, before turning to Alice—who laughs lightly and nods at him.
Laurent: [Singing to Bella]
In all your fantasies you always knew
That nailing down that vampire
Alice: [Sings in an airy soprano]
Would fall to you!
Both:
And in this labyrinth
Where he tries to hide
His tua cantante will track him down
Alice: [Sings] And fuck him blind!
Laurent claps, and then Alice lifts up Bella, and Laurent lifts up Charlie. They start for the woods. Jasper walks behind them with his baggie. He stops only to toss Victoria's corpse into the burning cabin, and then he continues after them. Behind them, the cabin collapses in a heap of flames.
A/N: Okay, so there's no way not to have a final epilogue to this. Tomorrow, lovelies.