Disclaimer: Nada.

As requested, LONGER CHAPTER! Well, a little longer than the past chapters...enjoy! =D

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It is snowing today.

It has also been my unfortunate luck to cross paths with Sayuri; I have forced myself to stroll with her. Partially it is out of my own will, but also out of my own gentleman's manners (what a rare occurrence- me, acting like an aristocrat!). Anyone who saw us would think we are good friends, playing catch-up. This, unfortunately, is not the case. I know well enough she is here as a way to see someone else. And that man is most certainly not me.

She artfully claims that she has not collided with me tonight by mere chance; rather she has been looking for me, for weeks, perhaps a month almost. I want to snort and reply snidely, but instead I think about her words. Sayuri is not like other geisha- as I have always thought- no matter what nonsense spills from her lips. Perhaps she means what she says?

But that would only be flattering myself. Humoring the lizard. Too bad this one does not grin at foolish attempts at healing an injury.

"You're as conniving a person as I know." I accuse. My words strike her, and she mentions Takazuru-dolt of a girl!- coming to her "in tears" due to my behavior towards her. When isn't that little juvenile in tears? Seems Sayuri does not know her colleagues enough!

"She is nowhere near as clever as you, nor pretty. If you are under the influence that I am angry with you, you are quite right!" I snap, shoving my hand into my coat pocket. Sayuri asks, frightfully calmly, what actions have caused her to create this anger.

I cannot help it-her words strike me to the core, make me shudder beneath my thick coat. Why must she torture me so? Does she not realize her words cause me more pain than the burns ever did?

I tell her that I know who her danna is. My tongue is thick; it feels as if someone has stuffed cotton into my mouth. Sayuri is sugar-coating her words when I relay how I came about the information, and it pains me to tell her of my loss of respect. But she has asked for it, acquiring an idiot for a danna.

The more and more she speaks and opens her offending beak and squawks, the more offended and enraged I become. "I believed you had something more to you! But it seems that you do not comprehend where your destiny lies. The General!" I spit. "I would have taken proper care of you. Is this how you want to waste your youth? A young lady who acts like a fool, is a fool!"

I hear her quick intake of breath in reaction. She is speaking again, but I no longer have care for this conversation. A waste of breath and my good time, really. We are returning to the teahouse now and she is nearly pleading with me- I half expect to see Sayuri on her knees.

"Will Nobu-san come and see me at the Ichiriki Teahouse? Or perhaps invite me to see him? I have no arrangements this evening, I could come now if Nobu-san requested it."

I purse my lips. "I won't ask you."

Sayuri heaves a sigh, a sigh that is meant for old women- not for a delicate lady like she. "Sometimes you are so difficult to understand, Nobu-san."

"I am a very easy man to understand, Sayuri." I murmur. "I do not like things held up before me that I cannot have."

I depart before she may respond, leaving her gaping in the snow at my retreating back.

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I collapse in my office after returning from the teahouse. Why I have come back here, I do not know. It is this very office that is the source of my pain and frustration in life.

Damn it all!

All my anger is flowing out of me tonight, staining the air around me with its venom. I stare at the mirror behind my office desk, the mirror I never dare to face.

A lizard, a beast, afraid of his own reflection!

Sayuri is surely somewhere else now, perhaps back at the okiya thinking of the Chairman. The Chairman and the geisha, how romantic, is it not? Unfortunate then that a Mephistopheles plague their imaginary romance! Send him back to hell, they laugh. But my friends, it is not that easy, not even Hell welcomes its inhabitants with open arms..

All those nights with Takazuru when I longed for Sayuri. Sayuri would not cringe and shrink away from me when I reached for a mere cup of tea, would not lie to me and tell stupid stories that I do not care about. Sayuri, despite her claims that she cannot understand me, knows me and my presence, my thought process, my mannerisms. She would never shun me, even if Hatsumomo sat behind her with a knife at her throat.

I could have taken care of her….

I do not know why I am attracted to her or what led to this infatuation. I am a grown man, not a schoolboy with a silly crush on a young girl. I have never loved a woman, never felt anything towards them. They are all the same, geisha or not. Damn Mameha for bringing Sayuri into my life! Would I be any better without her?

I clutch my chest with my one hand. I have betrayed myself tonight, thrown off my imaginary mask and bared myself to her. What has led to this destruction of identity? Does she know? Does she suspect? Have I frightened her away? Never has my longing for anything overpowered my thinking, my practicality. And now..

Now, I no longer know what I want. I have never asked for anything in my life. Never did I beg for a normal life, even when I had my shoes spat on and rumors spread behind my back. What I ask for are needs- clothes, shelter, food. Necessities of life. Never have I allowed myself comfort or happiness.

All I want is Sayuri, but I cannot have her. The one person I have ever loved is out of my reach, alienated from me. And no matter who I blame for this, it's my own fault.

With an animalistic cry I rip the mirror from the wall and fling it across the room. It shatters, thousands of pieces of glass splintering and reflecting the dimming light of the room. My chest heaves and I sink onto the floor, face in hand.

This is my life now. A thousand pieces of glass splintered and broken, all because of my selfishness.

Love, you are a fool. A disease.

If only I could purge myself of you.