Chapter Three

He had had these thoughts in the past, always swiftly pushed to the back of his mind, where they had festered like something alive, waiting impatiently for acknowlegement. Biding their time to be unleashed.

Times he had looked upon her and seen her mother in her face, her expressions. Her melodic voice was like a bell, clear and comforting. Just like Marni's had been.

Now and then he'd seen a hint of her mature body beneath the clothes that were slightly ill fitting. A little too baggy around her small, narrow frame to do her body real justice. At worst they caused her to resemble an eternal child, a stick figure body with a woman's face. At best, she looked like a pure and innocent beauty, unaware of her own allure. But now and then he had noted that she was in fact, a woman now and not the doll-like child she had been. He tried not to, how he did.

Those times when he would hold her tightly, drawing her body into his arms and perhaps linger too long that way than would be seen as appropriate. But really, how appropriate was it for a man who in his grief for his late wife, imprisoned his daughter, fooling himself all the while that it is what she needs. That it is for her own good, to keep her safe. In truth, it is his own selfish desire to bind her to him, now and always. She was his world, she couldn't leave him...

Shilo was more than an echo of Marni. Dear, sweet, innocent Shilo. Alive and expectant. So full of life! As she matured, more and more she challenged him to see her clearly. Not a child any longer, and so very, very beautiful. Full of emotion, questions and daring. He loved her so much it made his chest hurt at times. So much love for one person, this small and unassuming beauty with eyes that burned intently as she laughed, pouted, yelled or was sombre. How was it possible to love her so much?

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Oh god, but I love you so much. SO much.

Nathan's heart felt like it was breaking. He felt like it was being crushed in a vice. He drew nearer to her, his lips brushed hers so softly. She was trembling a little. He drew back and stroked her cheek with his hand for a moment. Large brown eyes shining at him, hopeful and timid at the same time. He moved his hand to cup her face and kissed her more strongly this time. He could still feel her heart beating crazily against his chest. He could hear his own heart pounding in his ears. He wanted to cry for this poor weak girl, trembling against him. She was so accepting, so warm and inviting. She tasted hot and eager. Her lips were soft. Warm breath from her nose tickled his face.

He drew away slightly so that their foreheads rested together, and looked at her. Guilt was trying to creep into his mind, willing him to turn and flee. He let his arms circle her loosely, drawing soft circles on her back through the light material of her dress. He could feel her flesh prickle at his touch, see the small hairs stand on end on her arms. Something had shifted in their relationship, but less than might be expected. Perhaps this was just the culimnation of many years slowly driving towards this.

She blinked at him, licking her lips. She reached up to touch his chest, stroking his shirt. Her hands were still trembling. He continued to tickle her back, but now other feelings were surging through him that had nothing to do with guilt and everything to do with longing.

"Shi..." His voice is a little hoarse, "That's enough now."

Far too quickly he let go of her and backed away from the bed. Regret was begining to stir within him. Shilo regarded him, from the bed. She looked sad. She had gotten what she wanted, but it didn't seem to help her loneliness. Not now that he was making such a hasty retreat. Had she made him sad? Should she just have stayed quiet, gone on as usual?

"Dad don't-" Shilo reached out towards him.

Nathan was already at the door, hand reaching for the door knob. He had to get away from here, because he wanted to do more than just kiss her. He paused for just a moment too long at the door. The plastic around her bed crinkled and he felt Shilo's arms circling him, holding tight in a silent plea for him not to leave.

"I'm tired Shi, please..." There was a rawness to his voice. His heart was still racing. What was he doing? What was he thinking?

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Cold night, empty sky. She could see her breath in the air. It was getting cooler at night now. It often rained. Shilo liked the rain, she always had. It was a good sound to fall asleep to. And to wake up to. And it smelt good. And there was something beautiful about a grey sky to her. She read books that spoke of the beauty of the sunset, the sunrise, of the brilliant blue skies. But her favourite sky was an overcast one. And rainclouds. Especially when there was lightning. It chased the bugs away, but she still thought it was beautiful.

The black sky stretched endlessly above. Shilo stood on her balcony, hands resting on the black cast iron fence. Her hands clutched at the rounded spikes that protected her from a sudden fall. She was listless tonight. She had been woken by a strange dream. She couldn't rememeber the details now that had so quickly trickled from her mind. But she found she could not drift back to sleep.

She looked up at the sky, searching for stars, but seeing none. The harsh city lights and the rain combined so that there were no stars in the sky at all. She felt so lonely. Still at least four hours until her father would return from work. Night doctor. Day father. And really, how would he abate her loneliness? Breakfast tray, words of endearment. The same as yesterday, and as tomorrow.

She felt uncomfortable, there was a rising heat under her skin. She almost thought she had a fever, but this heat was different somehow. A cold breeze blew, flicking her long hair across her face. Tiny droplets of rain were held in the breeze. It was no longer raining heavily, but there was still a lot of moisture in the air. It was cool and wet on her pallid cheeks. Tiny beads of moisture were in her hair, like dew.

She tried to remember the dream that had woken her. It had stirred some emotions deep within her that she rarely acknowledged.. Every sensation from the breeze and the cool night seemed magnified.

I am not brave. I am not strong. But I wish he would see me. He seems to look through me. He seems to only see her.

An idea was half formed in her mind. A burning desire that had been growing for a long time. And slowly it was crystalising and becoming more urgent. She wanted to be seen.

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She moved in front of him, blocking his way to the door. His breathing was erratic, he seemed unable to meet her eyes now. She pressed herself against him, face towards his, a silent plea for him to continue.

Please keep seeing me. Don't let me disappear behind her memory.

He pushed past her, shoving her perhaps a little harder than he would have liked. He pulled the door shut between them, although she clawed at the handle. He was locking it. She could hear it. She beat her fist on the door once, twice, but knew it was useless. She wanted to cry, but she slunk back to her bed and lay down. She felt a little light headed. Her smouldering emotions were still raging. She ran her hand over her face, it felt warm. A flash of memory of what had just occurred overtook her. She felt a violent lurch in the region below her belly button.

Of course she had wondered what it would be like. She hadn't expected it to be so...painful. Her chest hurt. She felt like she had done something terrible. She stared up at her ceiling, expressionless. Yes, she felt strong pangs of remorse and a large amount of disbelief. But more than that, she felt frustrated.