Chapter 4: Bella

New Beginnings

I woke to the feeling of sunlight shining in my eyes. Why was it so bright in my room? I looked around and realized that my window was still open and the light was coming right in, dancing on the walls and shining in my eyes. I groaned, I had definitely not gotten enough sleep. I reached my arm out, to feel for my other pillow, so that I could bury my face from the sunlight, and my hand hit something hard and….muscular? Jacob!

I bolted right up, scared, what had happened last night? I thought back on the multitude of emotional events of the previous night. Oh yeah, he had come in my window and said some very deep things, kissed me and I had started to cry. After I cried for what seemed like ages, he held me, kissed me some more and rocked me to sleep. I sighed in relief; thank God we hadn't had sex or something. I didn't think I could handle the stress of all of that on the morning of my wedding. UGH! Great! I jumped out of bed and looked in the mirror….I looked horrible! You are so beautiful. His words continued to ring in my head, as if they were the most surprising words in the English language.

Beautiful? I didn't know about all of that….terrified was a more appropriate description of my looks at the moment. I was mortified to have to face Edward and tell him…..and tell him what exactly? Had I ever decided what I wanted to do? What would my mother think when she found out that she traveled all the way from Florida for nothing? Was it to be nothing or would I end up going through with it anyway? I didn't know what to do. I turned around and looked at Jacob's sleeping frame, feeling oddly at peace. What was it about him that had such a calming effect on me?

I went to the bathroom and slinked myself into the shower, hoping to wash my doubt away along with Jacob's hot fingerprints on my skin. It was definitely more pleasant to feel warm hands on you, holding you to a warm chest, than the opposite. Cold was…well, it was cold. It scared me to look at it that way. Was cold the way I really wanted people to think of me? Was that what I truly wanted? I wasn't sure anymore and that scared the shit out of me.

I finished with my shower and slipped into my bathrobe, careful not to walk back to my room in just my towel. I didn't need to create more passion and heat than there already was between us. I went into my room to find him pacing. When he saw me his eyes lit up, "I was worried than you had gone."

I smiled at him, he really was cute, especially when he was worried about me, "no, just needed to get myself moving."

We looked at each other, as if we were both trying to figure out how to bring up the huge elephant in the room. Finally he spoke, "so what are you going to do?"

I sighed, "I don't know." And, I really didn't know. There was so much to sort out in my head. I was about to speak again when there was a frantic knock on my door. I looked at Jacob, fear lining my face and went to open it.

Alice rushed into my room, with a look of sheer panic. "Bella, you're killing me here! I can't take all this back and forth. One minute I see you marrying Edward and being turned and all of that, and then the next second I see you sitting in some college dorm room, reading some God awful textbook. Could you just make up your mind already, you're giving me a headache?" She was talking a mile a minute, frantically pacing back and forth across the floor tiles in front of my bed.

I smiled to myself…dorm room? Wow, how come I had never actually thought about that option? That was perfect. It was the perfect setting to reevaluate my life, get my priorities in line and maybe even figure out who I was as a person. I smiled at her, almost reaching out to hug her, but then I stopped….Edward was her brother after all. What would she think if I called the wedding off? Alice had become a best friend to me over the last couple years and I didn't want to lose her.

"I think I made up my mind."

Alice nodded, seeing the whole thing play out in her mind. Jacob looked at me, clueless, wondering what in the hell I was talking about and I just smiled at him, reassuringly. "Alice, you are a sister to me and I don't want to lose that."

Alice reached out to hug me, "you will always be my sister, whether you choose to marry my brother or not or whether you are human or vampire."

I smiled at her; that really meant a lot to me. "I guess that settles it then. I have to call this wedding off. I owe it to all of us to make sure this is what I want. I need some time to figure things out and sort through my life. I hope you and everyone can understand that." I looked at Jacob, "you too."

He smiled at me, "I will deal just fine with that."

Alice looked at him and almost grimaced, "he will be just fine." Clearly she saw something in my future that indicated Jacob faired well, not that I had any sort of clue what that meant. "But, you are going to have to be the one to break the news to Edward."

The smile slid off my face, I kind of just expected that he had read her vision in her mind and had already known. "He doesn't know?"

She shook her head, "I was very careful, Bella. This is not about me, though he always manages to bring me into the middle of everything. This is between you and Edward and you and the dog. You need to talk to him, soon!"

"Talk to me about what?" Edward said, walking into the open room, his eyes closed.

"Edward!" I glared at him, "you weren't supposed to come here. You're not supposed to see me today, remember?"

"My eyes are shut." He pointed out, as if he was a super genius for coming up with some new radical idea.

Alice looked back and forth between the love triangle and dismissed herself, "well, I'm going to go take care of some stuff."

I looked at Edward and he was grinning from ear to ear, it was evident that she had somehow managed to escape his intrusive thought-reading abilities. I sighed, not looking forward to this, "you can open your eyes."

"I don't want to create any bad luck."

"You can open them, seriously."

When he opened his eyes he took in the surroundings. He looked me over, looked at my room and looked at Jacob. Then he looked back and forth between Jake and me, with a frown. "Why is he in your room when you are only wearing a bathrobe?"

"Edward, we need to talk."

He glared at Jacob, "What have you done?"

Jacob put his hands up, "I didn't do anything." I looked at Jake and almost smiled, he was telling the truth for the most part and it wasn't as though Edward couldn't read his thoughts anyway.

"That's not what your brain says." Edward glared back at me, "he slept in your bed."

"Nothing happened." I assured him, "except that I realized I need some time."

Edwards's nostrils flared and he made fists and then released them, "what exactly do you mean by that?"

"I just mean that I need to take some time to make sure that I'm ready for all of this. Marriage is a big step. So is death."

He folded his arms over his chest and Jacob shifted uncomfortably from one foot to the other, clearly not wanting to be in the room for all of this. "You have been bugging me since prom to turn you and now all the sudden you're not sure if you want it? This is ridiculous."

"I'm sorry, Edward, I'm not trying to hurt you. I just want to make sure I'm doing the right thing for me, you know? I was thinking I could go to school for a while, maybe go to Washington State for a semester or two. I could take some general classes and maybe get involved with some extra curriculars or something and maybe I can find myself. Wouldn't you rather wait to make sure that this is right before we do something this huge?"

"I already know that we are meant to be together, Bella, I don't need to find myself to know that. Neither do you. Jacob came in here last night and put silly ideas in your head and now you are confused. You don't need to listen to him. He's just jealous because you chose me and he would do anything to make you postpone this wedding. You know that and I know it. Why should anything he says matter anyway?"

I scowled at him, what the hell was he saying? "Maybe because he's my friend and he cares about me. I don't think he was just playing me for a fool to make me call off the wedding. Maybe you don't know him the way I do."

"I guess I don't."

Jacob ran his hands over his hair, "I'm still in the room, you know. I would feel a lot more comfortable if I could give you guys some privacy to work this whole thing out."

"No, I like you where I can read you." Edward said, angrily.

"Stop it." I spat, "yes, he said things to me, but they were things I was already thinking. I've had doubts and concerns for a while now, I just pushed them aside. Well, I don't want to do that. Marriage, especially with the added strings attached, is so final and concrete. I need to figure out for sure that this is what I genuinely want for my life."

Edward reached for me. He crushed me to him, almost violently. He took in my scent, arousal evident in his eyes. The look on his face scared me, but I knew he was just mad. I felt Jacob tense and take a step towards us, ready to grab me from Edward, but I waved him off. Edward bent his head down and crushed his lips to mine, possessively. He kissed me passionately, and soon I found myself returning the kiss. My arms went around his neck as his lips traced my jaw line.

I was suddenly very aware of Jacob standing there, watching this scene and I was immediately embarrassed. I pushed back, trying to force Edward to release me. He did. I stood, evenly spaced, between both guys and looked back and forth between them. "I love you both, I do. I cannot continue to lie to myself about that. I need some time. If you can't give me that time then I suppose you surrender."

Edward raised an eyebrow, "I will never surrender. You are mine and always will be. No amount of finding yourself can change what I already know. But, if time is what you want, then time is what you shall have. I will not seek you out; you will know where to find me." With that he turned, sent a spine-chilling glare at Jacob and left the room.

After he left, I slumped down onto my bed, my head against my knees. Jacob went to me, pulling me against him, protectively, holding me with a mixture of gentleness and strength. "Bella, it will be alright. No matter what you choose, it will be alright."

He almost had me convinced. I breathed a sigh of relief, realizing that I was finally free to figure things out the way I should have all along. I no longer had to be the leaf the two gorillas fought over, until one proved more dominant. I could be my own person….not Edward's Bella or Jacob's Bella, but Bella's Bella. It was a powerful thing. In that moment I began to feel more like myself than I had in years, and I believed him; no matter what I chose to do with my life, it was going to be okay.