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Where do I continue from here?
I've put myself in the worst spot I could. I may be a good businessman, but I've put my life in shambles. I thought I knew myself well enough to get around such a mess! Yet here I am, staring at blank sheets of paper without a clue what move to take next.
It has been a week and a half since our return from Tokyo. I have spoken with Mrs. Nitta only once, and it was concerning the trip itself. She mentioned the ceremony at the Ichiriki once very quickly, not long before hanging up. It will be in but a week and a half, and I hardly think Sayuri will want to see me after the incident on the train.
I haven't spoken a word to the Chairman unless out of necessity.
What a disaster this has all been! And I was so sure that all would go well. I can blame the German, the Chairman, even Sayuri. But the thing is I am too honest with myself to do this- it is my fault, and I know it all too well. My gruff exterior has finally done enough damage. What I do to set it right, though...even I do not know how to do this.
The paper, blank, is making me sick. I'm not sure why- I could easily point out that it is the same white as the face paint Sayuri swipes on her face day after day and how the black that it may be marked with would be the same shade as her hair. I swallow heavily and stand up from my desk, adjusting my tie nervously with my one hand. What I'm doing, I am not sure. I need to leave the office- it's stifling, and I'm sick of sitting in my chair waiting for- waiting for nothing!
I shove around the workers ascending the steps; none of them dare look me in the eye. Good! They know my moods well enough by now. I am glad to see they have caught on quickly after all these forsaken years with the company. The glass door seems to push back on me when I try to open it.
Everyone around me is enjoying the sun, and here I am- feeling ill and brooding like some Western actor on a radio drama! Anxiously, I pull my hand over the stump of my arm as I stomp towards the driver, who immediately opens the car door for me. The people around me have turned into little dots of color in the corner of my eyes; irritating insects I can block out. Don't look at anyone, they won't look at you- one of the few beliefs I truly need in life.
What do I say to her? "My dear Sayuri, I am so sorry for the misunderstanding! You must believe me, I love you too much to see you so distraught!" Absurd, completely asinine. Never would I say something so stupid, much less tell her my true feelings. I may as well stick a knife in my stomach and call it a day. I wet my lips and stare out the window at the passing scenes, finally closing my eyes wearily. The driver inquires where we should be going, exactly. I wave my hand lazily.
"Wherever you wish." I say so quietly, I've probably frightened him with my softness. No longer do I care for where I go, what I should do with myself.
As is, I have lost control of my life. Like when I was a young boy, I allowed myself to get swept up in the current, and it has carried me too far to the point where I cannot swim back. Whatever direction my driver takes me, well…it will just be another accidental destination.
End Part I