Chapter 8: Bella

Irresponsible

I thought long and hard about the events that had taken place at Jacobs's house. What had come over me? I had acted like a sex-crazed maniac and a jealous girlfriend; both of which I was not. I mean, I was a virgin and had never really done much to put the moves on anyone before; with Edward as a slight exception. I didn't have the first clue about how to seduce a man and had never really bothered trying, but that day at Jake's had been so different. Not to mention the fact that I had no business getting jealous over a possible imprint after everything that we had been through. I had pushed him aside so many times, for Edward, and it was as if I just expected him to wait for me and continue to pine for me for the rest of his life. How incredibly immature was that?

I wanted Jacob to be happy, didn't I? Of course I did. I couldn't possibly care about him at all if I didn't. But, why did it bother me so much that there was another girl who he may or may not have imprinted on? Besides that, what control did I really think I would have over the situation? I always knew it was just a matter of time before he would see some beautiful girl across a crowded room and suddenly there would be no one else there. I think a big part of the reason I continued to push him away was because I knew that we would never be together. I didn't want to set myself up for the inevitable pain that would come from losing my Jacob to some random girl off the street. I couldn't bear to think about it, so maybe that was why I had rejected him so many times. It was a revelation that struck me deep to the core. Had I been afraid to feel things for him because of my own insecurities? There was nothing saying that he was definitely going to imprint. It was possible (and likely) that he would spend his entire life with his own free will. But, I guess the possibility was too much for me to withstand.

But, throwing myself into his arms and moving myself against him had to have come from somewhere. I know I wasn't just horny and looking for some attention. Stupid, lonely girls did things like that. I was not one of those kinds of girls. Clearly there was some sort of desire there between us; some passion that neither one of us could really deal with.

I went into a kind of seclusion after the episode at Jake's. I didn't feel like going anywhere, almost as if I was punishing myself for the way I had acted. Maybe he had been right; maybe I did act like a child. I hated thinking of myself in that way, I had always thought of myself as mature for my age and an old soul. It rocked my world to think that I could be seen as childish. Maybe I didn't know as much about myself as I had thought I did.

I withdrew into myself; not talking when Charlie would ask me questions about school, the debate team and of course my love life. He had never been one to really get himself into my affairs of the heart, but I guess he was curious about what I was planning to do about my obvious Edward/Bella/Jacob love triangle. The truth was that I wasn't sure what I was planning to do about it. Maybe there was nothing left to do. Maybe I just had to sit back and see how things played out….something I was not accustomed to doing. I always tried to be in control of everything, it scared me to death to not know what was going to happen from one moment to another, but unfortunately there was not much planning I could do on this one.

Christmas came and went and I barely noticed. It was nice getting to be home for the holiday and spend it with Charlie. Renee called and I got to talk to her and Phil on the phone for Christmas, which was nice, but unfortunately it did nothing for my depressed (and horribly confused) mind. I was content to spend my time in seclusion, not having to see or talk to anyone, which put a hitch in things when my debate team friends invited me to a New Years Eve party. I wanted so badly to decline and spend the holiday reading, but school had made me feel so new and refreshed. Maybe it was a good idea to get out and see these guys.

After I accepted the invite, I proceeded to make myself look a little bit presentable. I bathed, ran a comb through my hair, put on some jeans and a nice sweater, and even put on a bit of make-up. When I had finished I stepped in front of my full length bathroom mirror and checked myself out….not too shabby. I figured I looked good enough for a bunch of nerdy guys anyway.

I almost smiled to myself, thinking of how nerdy these guys could really be when they wanted to be. Too bad they were all a lot cuter than they ever got credit for. I grabbed my coat and headed out the door, giving Charlie a yell as I left. I got into my truck and took off for a party that I anticipated consisting of 6 guys and chess boards.

When I arrived at the off-campus house (that looked a lot like a frat house if you asked me) where the party was being held, I was surprised to see how many cars were in the driveway and on the lawn. I parked my car off the road and, almost nervously, headed toward the door. When I got close to the house I could hear loud music blaring through the walls. Huh? This was totally not what I was expecting from these guys.

I knocked on the door for what seemed like hours; apparently nobody could hear my knocks over the music's insane decibel level. When the door finally opened, Travis was standing there, with a beer in his hand. He smiled at me, a huge dorky grin. "Bellllllla," he slurred, "you're here."

I made a face at him, "Hi Travis, I think maybe you've had enough to drink already."

"Nah, I'm just getting warmed up." He grabbed me and pulled me inside of the house. He slipped his arm around my shoulders and ushered me to the living room, where most of the guys were gathered. "Bella's here!"

All the guys looked at me; there must have been at least 25 of them. They were drinking, dancing to the music, and playing beer pong (none of which I was expecting). There wasn't a chess board anywhere to be seen. What had I gotten myself into?

It was in that moment that I realized how completely insane I must have been. I was standing in a room with nearly 25 college guys, all cute and fun to be around and none of them did anything for me. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I ever be attracted to someone normal; someone who wasn't a one-hundred-and-nine year old vampire or a seventeen-year-old werewolf, who might have just imprinted with some random other girl? What was the matter with me, was I just a glutton for punishment or something? Or maybe I just hated myself…maybe that was it.

Either way, it tired me to think about it all, so when someone handed me a shot of something, I didn't even think about it, I just guzzled it right down. All the guys cheered me on and handed me another one.

An hour later I was sitting on the couch, between Steven and Mark, drinking a mixed drink the guys had concocted for me, in the middle of some useless discussion about global warming. I had no idea why we were discussing this when we were all too drunk to know what the heck we were even saying. "I'm telling you, the focus should be in the polar ice caps. We have to protect the polar bears."

Mark laughed, "I get that you think they are cute, but what do they really matter? Shouldn't we focus our tax dollars on helping people rather than animals?"

I shook my head, "No way, man! Animals are very important. In fact, I think that animals are people, just in a different form." Oh God, I was turning into a crazy lady before my own eyes.

"What are you talking about, drunk girl?" Steven asked (he was a bit more sober than the rest of us).

I snorted, "I'm not drunk and I'm not gonna be drunk!" Dear Lord, I was not helping my case at all!

Travis chimed in, "who cares about global warming or whatever, we're having a New Year's party? Let's have fun!"

"Yeah!" I cheered, like a fool. "Let's play a game or something. How about truth or dare?" Clearly I should never have taken a sip, it was obvious that I could not hold my liquor and I should never be allowed to pick out games to play.

Travis smiled, "that's more like it. I have always wanted to know what secrets our Bella has been hiding behind those mysterious eyes."

I smiled, "tonight I am an open book." Yeah, that was a good idea….not!

Travis sat down on the coffee table, facing me, "okay, Bella, truth or dare?"

I smiled back at him, "truth. I can handle it."

He laughed, "how far have you gone with a guy, sexually?"

I hiccupped and thought about that for a minute. How far had I gone with Jake the other night? My mind was a little fuzzy, but I remembered being in his lap, dry humping him. What base was that considered? I had no clue and I didn't really know how to answer this question without sounding like a blooming idiot. "I don't know, second base I guess."

Steven smiled, "so a virgin then? That's cute."

I gave him a weird look, "why is that cute?"

He shrugged, "I don't know. It just is."

I folded my arms; I certainly didn't want to be called cute, especially in my drunken state. Being called beautiful was fine with me, particularly when Jacob said it, but cute…..that was a completely different story.

"I didn't mean anything bad by it, honestly." Steven was too sober for this crowd. He smiled at me, "truth or dare?"

I looked at him, "I just answered one. You have to ask somebody else."

"I already know the dirt on these fools; it's you that interests me."

I didn't know whether to be flattered, irritated or creeped out, but I just gave him a sarcastic smile and said, "truth."

Steven laughed, "So tell me Bella, what is the craziest thing you have ever done?"

This was a very dangerous question to answer. The answer to this question really depended on one's interpretation of the word crazy. To me, the things I did seemed perfectly sane, but to someone whose life had remained closer to a normal person's concept of reality, I would probably seem incredibly crazy. I sighed, "Probably deciding to get married at eighteen and become a vampire."

As soon as it was out of my mouth the entire room went silent. They all stared at me like they were processing what I had just said, looks of complete blankness on their faces. Then, once they had processed it, they all bust out into laughter. "That's hilarious Bella. You are the funniest drunk I've ever met."

So, they thought I was joking. Maybe I said it in a funny way. Or maybe the idea of vampires was just so crazy a concept to them that they thought I must have been joking. Either way their reaction infuriated me, "what's so damn funny? My ex-fiancé is a vampire."

"Yeah right, Bella." Travis said, rolling around on the floor laughing.

I made a face and drained the rest of my drink, I didn't like that my high was wearing off. "It's true!"

Steven put up his hands, "Okay, okay. If it's true, then I dare you to call him and tell him that we all know he's a vampire."

I laughed, "No problem." And it wasn't a problem really. Edward was just a speed dial button away. I knew he would pick up as soon as he noticed that it was me, probably hoping that I had changed my mind about college and calling off the wedding. I felt a slight stab of pain in my heart, and then it was gone as I looked at the expectant faces all around me.

I dialed Edwards's number and true to form, he answered on the second ring. "Bella? Is that really you?"

"Yes Edward, it's me." I cleared my throat, I might as well just cut to the chase, "I just called you to tell you that my hottie friends all know you are a vampire."

"Bella, what are you saying? Have you been telling people about me? You know that is strictly against the Volturi's rules."

"Blah blah blah. I am so not scared of the Volturi. I mean, what are they gonna do to me anyway, stare at me to death?"

I could hear Edward frowning on the other end. "Have you been drinking?"

"I've had a couple."

"I'm coming to get you." I could hear the desperation in his voice and I felt bad, I really did. "Where are you?"

"623 East Second Ave." Despite myself, I giggled, "See you soon, my sexy vamp!" Dear God, what was I doing? I was acting like one of the kids I knew from high school; the ones who would sneak out of their houses on the weekends to use their fake ids so that they could get into clubs and get drunk, trying desperately to be cool (and failing miserably). This wasn't who I wanted to be, but it made it easier to deal with Jake's possible imprint. The realization of that hit me like a punch to the gut. Was that why I went to this stupid party in the first place….to try and forget Jacob? That seemed pretty pathetic, even for me.

It only seemed to take Edward about ten minutes to show up at the house. When he knocked on the door, I jumped up. "I will let my vampire in." I strutted to the door, as if I was cool or something and threw it open, revealing a very unhappy (and yet drop-dead-sexy) vampire.

He didn't even smile at me, which threw me off completely. "Bella. What have you done?" was all he said, but it was enough to make me want to crawl under a rug and die.

"So this is your vampire ex-fiancé." Steven said. I wasn't sure if he meant it to sound more like a question or an observation.

I couldn't speak any sort of response, I was frozen, captivated by Edwards beautiful face. Edward also didn't speak; I thought he must have been too angry to formulate words. He just stood there staring at me for what seemed like hours. Finally he said "I am taking you home."

Travis picked that moment to walk into the room, "No, mister hotshot. Bella is a big girl; she can leave when she wants."

Edward glared at the drunken kid, a look of pure menace in his eyes. I could have sworn I saw a flash of red in them as well, as if he wanted to tear the kid to shreds before my very eyes. With a slight groan, he tore his eyes from Travis and back to my face. "Bella is with me now. I will take her home. It will be better for you to stay out of it."

Travis just didn't get the hint, "what are you planning to do with her? Are you going to bite her neck or something, vampire?"

Edward seemed to fly right up into Travis's face, "I will not harm her. You, I cannot make such guarantees about."

Once I got my mouth to work again, I jumped in. "Edward don't. He's my friend."

Edward turned to me, "it would do you well to pick better friends." With that he grabbed me and practically flew out the door. He put me in the car, strapped me into my seat belt and jumped into the driver's side. "Bella, what were you thinking?"

"It was just a little alcohol."

"That is not what this is about and you know it." He gripped the steering wheel so hard that if he was not made of stone, the bones in his hands would have disintegrated. "What you did was very irresponsible. You put a lot of lives in danger tonight. You know better than to tell anyone that I am a vampire. Bella, that is privileged information; information that could put you and all of your so-called friends in grave danger."

I folded my arms, "For crying out loud, Edward, they're drunk. It's not like they actually believed that you were really a vampire; they thought I was just playing around. You don't have to freak out about every little thing, as if it is the end of the world!"

"Bella, you are my world; my everything. If something should happen to you it would be the end of my world." He sighed, "Clearly you do not realize how much you mean to me."

"I do realize, but you have to understand that I am in college and people in college have parties and drink a bit. Sometimes I am going to say things that I don't really mean to say. But you have to trust me that I would not ever actually put you in any danger." I touched his arm, feeling it twinge a bit beneath my fingers, "I would never purposely do anything to hurt you, you know that, right?"

"Yes love, I do." The way he looked at me made my heart break into a thousand messy pieces, "you should try not to be reckless. Bad things can happen when you don't mean for them to."

I hated when he overreacted about things, but it bothered me even more when I knew deep down that he was right. If those guys had believed me and told someone about him being a vampire it could have caused a lot of danger for all of us. I knew I had been reckless, but didn't I deserve that just this one time in my life? Why was I always expected to be so responsible?

I didn't know what to say to him to make things better, there probably wasn't anything that could do that, so instead I just looked out the window as I rode beside him, feeling awkward and alone.