Chapter 9: Bella

Lessons Learned the Hard Way

Edward did not take me home like I thought he was going to. Instead he drove me back to his house. I didn't know if I was ready to see the rest of the Cullens, especially in my drunken state, but apparently I wasn't going to get much choice in the matter.

Edward helped me out of the car, like the old-school gentleman that he was, and ushered me to the door. As soon as I was inside, all eyes were on me. Jasper and Emmett's eyes were like a fire, and I wondered how dead I would be if looks could really kill. Esme and Carlisle looked at me with pity, which I found rather unsettling. Rosalie looked like her usual self; hateful as always. But Alice was the one who got to me; she was looking at me as if she was looking through me. Her eyes were completely expressionless, as if they held absolutely no concern for me at all.

Edward did not stop to chat with his family; he just pushed me forward, through the throng and upstairs to his bedroom. When we got to his room, he turned to look at me. "You must forgive them, they are upset and concerned."

I nodded, having trouble finding my voice. "I could see that."

Edward handed me a stack of clothes, "why don't you put these on and try to get comfortable?"

I nodded, taking the clothes from his arms. He left the room so that I could change and I slipped into the sweatpants and t-shirt in a trance-like state. I had never experienced anything like this anytime I had been in their house. I didn't know how to react to being treated almost worse than the werewolves were treated. In fact, I knew for a fact that Seth got the royal treatment around here. Me, I was reduced to that of a stranger…..and a not very well liked one at that. After I finished changing I opened the door and allowed Edward to slip back in and just look at me. It made me uncomfortable to have him staring like that. I really wished he would just say something, anything.

I slid out of the room and into the bathroom, where I proceeded to wash my face and break the seal. Haha, I couldn't believe I was thinking about using the bathroom in that sort of way.

I went back to his room and sat down on the bed. I wasn't sure whether it made me feel comfortable that he had left the bed in his room or not. Either he was planning on having me back here to sleep in it or he was holding out hope in the matter. I tried not to think too much about it and just tried to get comfortable.

Edward sat on the end of the bed, staring at the wall, for what seemed like hours. Finally I cleared my throat and got his attention, "you know I hate the silent treatment."

"I do not know what I know about you anymore, Bella. It seems to me like you have changed so much since I last saw you."

I swallowed, feeling a lump in my throat about the size of Texas. "That's what college does to people."

"I thought college was supposed to mature you and make you figure out who you are. This cannot be who you are, Bella."

He had a point, I could see that, but he wasn't seeing the whole picture. "Okay, so I will admit that getting drunk and telling them about you wasn't my brightest move, but you haven't seen me any other time since I left for school to really get an accurate picture of the new me. It's not as though I go out drinking every night. In fact I spent most of my time doing my homework and in my lab till all hours every night."

"Okay, so you are correct that I haven't seen enough of you to make a fair assessment."

I reached over and took his hand in my own, taken aback by how cold his skin felt. You would think I would have been used to the coldness of his stone skin, but must be after you have been away from it for a period it could come as a shock to you again. "Edward, I don't make a habit out of behaving like this. Its New Years Eve, I just wanted to have a little fun with my friends."

"That's another thing, Bella. Why would you go to a party at a house full of guys? Don't you realize what could have happened to you? Those guys were drinking and you were the only girl there. That wasn't a safe place for you to be."

I guess I hadn't looked at it like that, "I really don't think those guys would do anything to hurt me. They're just a bunch of debate team nerds, anyway."

Edward sighed, "Maybe I am out of line, but I still feel as though it is my job to protect you. I couldn't let you stay there in the state you were in." He turned to me and tucked my hair behind my ear, romantically, "I get so insane inside at the thought of you getting hurt."

I moved in closer to him, resting my head against his hard chest, "I won't get hurt. I may have made a couple silly decisions tonight, but I do know how to take care of myself; I've been doing it all semester."

"I feel this insane desire to shelter you. Maybe I have overstepped my bounds."

"No Edward, it's alright. It's just that sometimes it seems to me like you would rather be my father than anything else. For a long time it was all about protecting me from Jacob, so much so that you actually had Alice kidnap me. I know that at times I have done careless things and I have needed to be saved, but most of the time I am pretty safe and yet you fly off the handle. I guess what I am saying is that I don't need another father figure. I need someone who treats me as an equal. But, I guess that is nearly an impossible feat if I am merely human. Maybe that is part of the reason why I wanted to be turned. I'm not saying these things to hurt you; I just wanted to get them off my chest."

"No, it's a good thing, I want to know what you are thinking and feeling. That makes things healthy between us." He reached over and very gently touched his lips to the nape of my neck, "it's just that the thought of losing you does crazy things to me. I know I got a little crazy about the dog, but that's why I eventually came to terms with it. I wanted to make you happy, more than anything else in the whole world. I still do."

Big tears slid down my cheeks as he held me, "I know that, I really do." He held me for a little while, as I cried silently against him. Then I found the courage to sit up and say some things that I felt really needed to be said. "My mortality is a difficult thing for me to deal with. The idea of aging and having you always stay the same terrifies me. In one sense you are older than me and much more mature than I am, but in another it is as if I am racing against the clock because I am aging so much more rapidly. It hurts me to think of me growing old and dying and you just beginning your life. Can't you see that was the primary reason why I wanted to be changed? That and the desire to really feel beautiful."

He looked right into my eyes and into my very soul. "Bella, you are the most beautiful thing I have ever laid eyes on. You will always remain that way to me; human or vampire, old or young. You don't seem to have a very good self-image."

"No, I guess I don't. I never have, really. I have always felt plain and boring, like I just blend into the world around me. It's irritating and painful. I so desperately want to be someone special; you have no idea how much."

"Sweetheart, nobody chooses to be a vampire, especially to feel beautiful. We are monsters, who prey on the weak and innocent."

"That isn't true and you know it. You are beautiful, wonderful creatures, capable of so much more than a mere human is. You have found the power to control yourself from hurting people. You are not those things you say about yourself."

"Bella, there will always be a drive inside of me to hunt and kill innocent people. For the rest of my existence I will have to fight to keep myself from committing murder. That is not a life that anyone would ever willingly sign up for. I fear that you have romanticized what I am and made me into some kind of hero. I am not what you think me to be. Even now I have an irresistible desire to grab on to you, sink my teeth into your vein and drain you of every drop of blood. I want it so badly that it is almost all that I can think about."

"But you won't hurt me, I know you won't."

"Only because my love for you is stronger than my desire for your blood." He nibbled on my earlobe and kissed down the line of my jaw, "you make it so hard to resist though. You are just so delectable. Your blood smells sweet and fragrant; it makes me dizzy with desire."

My throat went dry and my heart rate quickened. Edward had never been this vocal about his desires for my blood before, and I had to admit that it turned me on. I thought myself a messed up creepy weirdo to have been getting horny having him talk to me like this. Despite myself I grabbed him and forced his lips to my own. My tongue went into his mouth and I could feel his resolve slipping away as he let his tongue dance with mine in a frenzy of forbidden passion. Before I knew what was happening to me I was in his lap, my body moving with his. I couldn't believe what a slut I was turning out to be. "Please" I begged, "don't stop."

He groaned, "I have to. It's too much for me to resist."

"Then don't resist it." My body ached for the passion I was feeling deep inside me and I wanted all of him. In that very moment I wanted nothing more than for him to sink his beautiful teeth into me and turn me in a blind, passionate rage. He hesitated for a moment and then grabbed me, not able to fight his growing need. His lips found my neck and I drew in my breath, preparing myself for the delightful pain that would soon envelope me.

It was in that moment that I felt him; my Jacob. I could see his handsome face, those muscled abs, and his strong shoulders. I could feel the pain that would go through him if I went through with this and I knew in that instant that it was all wrong. This wasn't really what I wanted, not at all. Of course it was kinky and exciting, but it wasn't right; at least not at this time. With all the strength I could muster up inside myself, I grabbed onto his arms and desperately tried to pull myself away from him.

His grip was too strong for me to withstand. He was in feeding mode and I was trying to stop something so primal it was like breathing. I wanted to give him this, but I wanted to keep it more. "Edward, stop! Stop it! I'm sorry. I'm not ready."

Despite my attempts to stop him, he didn't stop. His teeth were in my vein now, starting to drink from me. The pain that followed wasn't pleasurable at all, not the way I was expecting it to be, and I screamed, struggling to get free. "Please! Please Edward, stop!" I started to cry, desperate. What had I done? Why had I unleashed this part of him that he tried so desperately to control? Why did I think it would be alright? I suddenly realized I knew nothing about the things I thought I knew….was that a part of finding yourself too?

I screamed, thrashing against him, but the venom was starting to seep into my veins. I could feel it inside of me, beginning to pump through me. The pain was excruciating, but it also immobilized me so that I could not fight back (as if I was any match against him anyway). I couldn't fight back so I just went limp, giving in to his mouth and his poison. There was no other choice for me….what else could I have done? I prayed silently to myself, begging God to make it quick, desperate for the pain to be over as soon as possible. If I had to become a vampire, maybe God could also give me an easy time of it. Maybe my sacrifice would be enough to make the change less horrible. I guess my limp body brought him out of the feeding frenzy he was in because his drinking slowed and came to a stop. He groaned and pulled his lips from my neck, red eyes blazing dangerously.

Before I could completely lose myself, I heard Alice rush into the room, Carlisle in tow. Alice was screaming, "Edward, stop! What are you doing?"

He looked at her, helplessly. Alice rushed to my side, "she's changing. We need to suck out the venom or she will die."

"No!" Edward growled like an animal.

Alice was frantic, but Carlisle remained calm and collected. Alice yelled, "You and I both know this was not what she wanted. This isn't right."

Carlisle nodded, "Your sister is right. Please let go of her."

Edward guarded my body like he would guard a kill. I had nearly lost consciousness, as I could feel the venom traveling through my veins. I was terrified and in excruciating pain, but I could do nothing to help myself, I seemed to be paralyzed.

It was then that I heard Jasper and Emmett come into the room. They were also terrified and frantic. They rushed to Edward's side and pulled him off me, allowing Carlisle to scoop me up into his arms.

Alice held my hand as Carlisle bent his head down and placed his lips over Edward's bite marks. He began to suck the venom out of my system, along with much more of my blood. I was so weak; I didn't think I would make it through all of this. How could I possibly survive? But just when I felt as though I was leaving this world entirely, I heard Alice announce that my blood was clean and Carlisle let go of me with an ease that did not seem normal for a vampire.

He gently laid me down on the bed and ran his hand over my hair. He looked at my face; I must have been very pale, because he frowned. My eyes felt heavy, but I managed to get them open. I looked around the room and saw Carlisle leaning over me, Esme standing in the doorway, tears evident in her eyes and Alice staring at me, gauging whether I was okay or not. When she saw my eyes open she ran to my side, "Bella sweetie, are you alright?"

I tried to speak, but nothing came out, so I just nodded. God, my head was pounding and I could feel stabbing pains in my neck. I reached my hand up to it and could feel the bite marks that I already knew were there. I knew they would heal sparkly, the way the bite on my arm had healed.

"You're going to want to put something on that so you don't get infected." Carlisle told me, being the doctor once again. He looked over at Alice, who ran to the bathroom and got a clean washcloth so that they could clean my wound. Carlisle took the cloth, cleaned the wound and dressed it, carefully. I managed a weak smile, grateful that they had come in when they had. I knew the Cullens were still mad at me, but at least they cared enough to save my life. "Thank you." I managed to squeak out, my voice incredibly weak.

"Shh," Alice told me, "you just rest now. I will stay with you, I promise."

Carlisle felt my forehead and checked me over a bit. He smiled slightly, "I think you are going to be alright, Bella, but you need to rest now. Your blood will replenish itself while you sleep. You should feel much stronger in the morning." Carlisle patted my hand and got up to leave.

I don't know when the guys had taken Edward from the room, but they were gone. Part of me was relieved that he was gone, but another part of me was upset. I had loved Edward so much and had invested so much into our relationship. I didn't want to lose all that I had worked for. Edward would never trust himself around me again and it had been all my fault. Why had I coaxed him into letting his guard down? I had been so sure that he would never hurt me, but I should have realized that when he protects me and keeps me safe from himself it is excruciatingly hard for him. It goes against his grain to not bite me and turn me, especially when my blood calls to him the way it does, and I had tempted the devil in him out. What a stupid, childish thing to do. Great….that word again. It had pissed me off to no end when Jacob had used it, but it was all that much worse when I used it. Self reflection is always the hardest.

I was physically and mentally worn out, but I wasn't sure I would be able to sleep right away. I had so many thoughts whirling around in my mind. I hated when I did stupid things, it seemed to be so standard for me. Maybe I hadn't learned anything in college at all. Alice could tell by the look on my face that I was mentally torturing myself, so she helped me to get under the covers and gently rubbed my arm, soothing me. Before I knew what was happening, I was out.

The dreams that came that night were not the usual ones. They weren't peaceful wonderful romantic dreams of Edward and me sparkling in the sunshine, or of Jacob and those two beautiful children I had seen in his eyes, or even the nightmares that had plagued me so many times in the past. These dreams were wrought with self inflicted torture. The only dream I could remember was of me turning myself into the Volturi and pleading with them to kill me because I had been close to being turned and had changed my mind. I was not the person they had thought me to be and I didn't want to be allowed to live. My conscious mind knew that this was stupid, but unfortunately there must have been a girl deep down inside of me who was in awful pain.

I woke with a headache and the incredibly vivid memory of the Volturi torturing and killing me. When I opened my eyes, Edward was nowhere to be found, but Alice was watching vigilantly from a chair by the bed. "Bella, how are you feeling?"

I sat up, slowly, "I think I'm alright. I don't seem to be in too much pain."

She moved toward me, putting her arms around my shoulders, "I am so sorry he did that to you."

"Don't be mad at him, Alice, I enticed him to do it. I had a weak moment and I thought I wanted it. I realized a bit late that I didn't. By then I couldn't get him to stop."

"Still I'm sorry. The whole thing can be quite seductive if done right, but if he was really intending to turn you he should have known better than to have done it like that. He was supposed to let us all know ahead of time and have Carlisle be there in case anything went wrong."

"It all just sort of happened really fast. It wasn't premeditated, honest. Please don't be mad at him."

"No matter what, you are still the same Bella. You always were more concerned about him than yourself. I'm not sure if I'm relieved to find out that hasn't changed."

I smiled at her, not really sure how to respond to that one. "I just don't want him to have to go through hell for something that was really my fault to begin with."

Alice rolled her eyes, "he has to have better control."

I looked at her, square in the eyes, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I let his secret slip to my friends. I shouldn't have been so reckless. I was drinking and having a good time and I got caught up in the moment. I won't do that again, I know it wasn't fair to him or any of you. Your family is my family and I don't want to hurt any of you."

Alice smiled and hugged me, "It's alright. With all the stress of you almost being turned I had completely forgotten about that whole stupid little situation. We all got upset because he did. I haven't been able to see your future since you left for school so it has been hard for me to know whether to stress about things or not. I'm sorry too. I should have known that you would never do anything to intentionally hurt any of us or put anyone in danger."

That was weird that she could no longer see my future. I wondered what that meant. Was that supposed to have something to do with Jacob, or was it just because of me? Was I different now? I didn't know, but I found it unsettling. I hated that she wouldn't be able to protect me from dangerous things by seeing the future, but at the same time I was relieved to know that not everyone would know everything I was going to do before I did. That was always a thorn in my side, especially when they used it against me.

Alice and I talked for a while, and then she let me sleep a little while longer, while she went to tell everyone that I was alright. After I got another hour nap, I woke up to breakfast in bed. Edward had made me eggs, bacon, toast and there was even a bowl of fruit on the side and some orange juice. It was a feast fit for a king, but I polished off the entire tray, clearly the near death experience had made me hungry.

"Thank you for making me breakfast, it was beautiful." I smiled at him.

He clearly was having trouble meeting my gaze, which I felt bad about. I desperately wanted to talk to him and reassure him, but I hated doing that with everyone watching me. I turned to Alice, "do you think I could possibly have a few minutes alone with Edward?"

Alice looked at Carlisle, who pursed his lips, thinking. After a few minutes he nodded and they left the room.

I patted the end of the bed for Edward to sit, but he resisted. "I don't want to get too close to you, I'm dangerous."

I smiled at him, "no you're not."

"You couldn't have forgotten last night already."

"Edward, darling, I enticed you. I offered myself to you, what man wouldn't have taken it?"

"I should have been stronger; I should have resisted." He sighed and moved closer to me, "here I was preaching to you about how you shouldn't be reckless and put yourself in harm's way and then I prey on your trust. I told you I was a monster."

"You are not a monster!" I was so exasperated, I might have yelled a bit too harshly, but I didn't care. "I did this, this was my fault."

"No, it was my fault."

I groaned, "I am so sick and tired of everyone always taking the blame for things I screw up. Yes, you are the one who bit me, but I was the one who was all over you, pleading with you to take me. Edward, for crying out loud, I wanted you to do it! I was the one who put the moves on you. How could anyone have expected you to realize that I didn't actually want it and therefore know enough not to give in to what I was asking of you? For Pete's sake, you aren't perfect and no one can expect you to be. Not even you."

"I'm going to call the dog and have him come pick you up. I want to know that you get home safely and there is someone around to take care of you."

I bolted up instantly, "no, don't disturb him. I'm alright." I sighed, "Besides, you know how pissed he will be at you. He'll probably try and kill you."

"And I will deserve it." Before I could protest again, he had his phone out and was dialing Jacob's number. Oh dear Lord, what was going to happen? I hated the thought of having to try and explain this to Jacob. On top of that, I really didn't want to have to see him again after what happened last time.

I gave Edward a helpless look and tried to get him to hang up, but instead, he stayed on the phone until Jacob picked up. "Hey, don't hang up, but its Edward." Jacob must have said something to him that he didn't like because he let air out of his nostrils and sighed, "Just listen to me. Bella is here with me and she needs you to come get her."

I covered my face with my hands; I hated this whole horrible thing. Why couldn't Edward or Alice just drive me back to my friend's house so that I could get my truck? Why did everything have to turn into operation protect Bella?

Edward sighed into the phone again, "Just come pick her up. Even if you have never trusted me even once in your whole life, trust me now."