Chapter 16: Bella

One Love

I cried in his arms, embarrassed and completely desperate. I hated showing my weakness to him like that. I always prided myself on being independent and self-sufficient, but in that moment, my head crushed against his chest, I needed him. I felt at home there and I knew it was all wrong; once again the world was toying with me, dangling the bait in front of my face, just to rip it out of my clutching hands.

His hands went through my hair, intimately, protectively. I looked up at him, tears streaming down my face and it was almost as if the whole world disappeared. In that moment it was just him and me and there weren't any such thing as vampires, werewolves and imprinting. All there was was two lovers who desperately wanted to be together. Our mouth's found each other's in a sensitive, passionate kiss. His tongue swirled around; dancing with mine and his touch soothed my aching soul.

I forced myself to pull away. I couldn't allow myself to feel such things, especially when it didn't matter. He wasn't mine to feel this way about. It just wasn't right. I ripped myself from his arms, my body still trembling from the intense sobs that had just plagued me moments before.

"Bella, it's okay." His words were such a lie. How could anything be okay ever again? I had given up my first love for him, and then I lost him to some girl he ran into at school. And the Volturi was after me, wanting me to either be turned or dead. And, I honestly wasn't surprised by any of it. I had come to terms with the fact that my life was a huge suck fest and that I was never going to be truly happy. Oh, I could have pretended that I was happy with Edward and we could have lived forever on Earth together, but I would have only been fooling myself. Because the truth was that no matter what expensive, flashy gift Edward gave me it was nothing like what Jake gave me every time he looked at me. Jake saw me in a way that nobody else ever had…even Edward. He saw me for who I truly was deep down on the inside, rather than the girl I tried to be. He was the only one who saw what was beneath the mask and it had frightened me for so long.

I didn't want it to be Jacob. I wanted Edward. There was nothing I wanted more on this earth than Edward. He had it all - looks, charm, sophistication, wealth, power - he had everything I didn't have. And it was almost like having him somehow connected me to those things that I so badly wanted to acquire. It was a shameful realization, particularly for a person who prided herself on being focused solely on the most important things of life.

I had to answer his confused expression with some clarity. We both knew what was going on here, but neither of us wanted to say it. I, being older, took it upon myself to point out the elephant in the room. "I can't be in your arms and kiss you like nothing ever happened. It's a farce, Jacob."

He closed his eyes, pain evident on his face. "My feelings for you will never be a farce, Bella."

"Your feelings for me are irrelevant." I tried so hard to keep my voice from wavering. All I wanted to do was crawl into bed and cry my eyes out…..or dig a hole and bury myself in it.

Hurt and anger were written across his face, "my feelings will never be irrelevant. Why can't you see how much I love you?"

Tears filled my eyes, but I fought desperately to keep them from escaping. "Because I don't want to."

He flinched like he'd been slapped, "You don't mean that."

"Don't tell me what I mean and what I don't mean."

He slammed his fist down on the counter and I swear the entire room shook. I, myself, took a step backwards just in case he was about to wolf out. When he noticed my reaction he seemed to calm down a bit. He took a deep breath and tried again. "Bella, honey, I love you. I love you with everything I have; in a way I could never love anyone else."

"But, don't you see, it doesn't matter." I was animated again, moving closer to him, "It's not about me now. Your choice has been made, and unfortunately for me I don't make the cut."

He growled, angrily, "you don't know anything about how I feel!"

I wasn't having this conversation anymore; I was so tired of it. His feelings meant nothing when his life had already been promised to someone else. "I gave up a life of happiness with Edward because you convinced me to do so. For a few moments I even thought it might be possible for us to be together, but I should have known better. I should have stayed where I was safe."

"With a bloodsucker who wanted to turn you into one of his own kind?" He was angry, that was pretty obvious.

"At least I would have been happy." That was a bald faced lie and he knew it. There was really no fooling Jacob, but I was on a roll, and not ready to stop.

"Would you? Could you ever be happy as a cold, stone-like, soulless leech who preyed on innocent people?" He folded his arms across his chest, "Because the Bella that I know wouldn't ever choose that for herself."

"Well, maybe you don't really know me at all!" After I said the words I felt bad. Nobody knew me the way Jacob did, that was why I said what I did. I had wanted to provoke him into fighting with me, because it was easier to be angry with him than desperately sad. He seemed ready to attack, but stopped, sighing.

"Why are we doing this?" He reached for me again and my resolve melted as soon as his hand touched me. I didn't like the way he made me feel so helpless; it terrified me. Had it been this way with Edward? I was sure that it hadn't.

I looked up at him and knew that I felt things I had never felt before; big, scary things that I would never be able to deny once I had admitted them to myself. I wanted to lash out against him, to hate him…..to feel anything but what I was feeling in that moment. But, as I stood there, looking into the deep brown eyes of the hard-bodied werewolf-man, I knew there had never been anyone else for me. No matter who else came along, nobody could ever hold a candle to my Jacob.