Chapter 17: Bella

Girl Talk

After Jake had gone home, I had retreated into myself, comfortable in my safe place of solace. I didn't want to have to talk to anyone about any of it; I didn't want to have to deal with the realities of the harsh situation in front of me. Jake had left, defeated, knowing there wasn't anything he could do to change how I saw the situation. Oh, I knew he loved me; that was very clear. The story of that love and devotion was so evident in his eyes, it bore into my soul. I knew him so well and loved him so deeply that I could feel what he was feeling as I looked into those deep pools of dark, dark brown.

I had been sleeping in the Clearwater's spare bedroom….which was luckily far away from all the other rooms in the house. I was very grateful that I would not keep anyone else up at night with my depressed sobbing. It just never seemed to stop; my life felt so completely empty. The pain that I was feeling was triple what I had felt when Edward left me for Italy.

I couldn't believe how blinded I had been by him. I was so easily swayed by the flashy clothes, his sparkly skin and those exquisite features. Sure, Edward was beautiful, but so was Jacob, just in a different way. Edward was perfect, flawless…but Jake was real. I had spent so much of my time blinded by the obvious charm and sophistication that I couldn't even recognize true beauty when it was staring me straight in the face. Maybe if I had figured it out sooner, maybe things would have turned out different….maybe we could have been together. 'No' I told myself, 'the imprint would have happened regardless, it was meant to be.' And it was. I was completely positive about that. The wolf had chosen his mate and Jake would go along with it because that was just how it was supposed to be done.

Maybe he would be happier this way. Maybe Jamie could give him all the things I never could have. Maybe she could actually appreciate him for who he was and not be blinded by the first sparkly thing she saw.

I was too busy crying to myself to notice when Leah slipped into the room and sat down on the edge of the Queen sized bed. "Bella?" She said quietly, trying not to completely startle me to death.

I tried to pretend that I was asleep. I didn't feel like talking, especially to Leah, who I knew hated my guts.

"I know you're awake, Bella, so there's no point in pretending." Geez, this girl was good. I wondered if she possibly had some of the vampire's abilities.

I sat up in bed, irritated, and looked at her. My eyes were puffy and bloodshot and I knew I looked like a mess. She just gave me a sympathetic smile. What? Leah wasn't looking at me like she wanted to rip my face off…..what was the world coming to? Maybe she was just pretending to be nice to lull me into a false sense of security so that she could trap me and kill me more easily. Okay, I knew I was being overdramatic, but it was highly unusual for this girl to act like she gave a damn about me.

"Is there more to the story about Jamie that what you both have told me?"

I couldn't look at her; I didn't want to have to say it out loud. Instead I just nodded my head and stared at my hands.

"How much more?"

I looked at her then, and something in her eyes prompted me to open up to her. "He imprinted on her."

She nodded, "I thought so."

I ran my hand over my face, "I just don't know what to do."

"Unfortunately there isn't anything you can do. What's done is done."

Tears sprang into my eyes….I hadn't known I had this much fluid in my body. "We made love for the first time and then the next day….it happened."

"Sweetie, it happened the very first time he laid eyes on her, he was just too busy fighting it to notice." She reached out and stroked my arm, comforting me.

I looked down at my hands; I was completely unable to meet her gaze. "He made me feel like we were going to be together."

"I know he did, Bella. He wanted to believe that you could be together. Jake has wanted nothing but that since the day he first met you." She got up then and left the room. I thought she had tired of being nice to me or something, but she quickly reappeared in my doorway. She walked back to the bed and sat back down, one leg curled up underneath her. I noticed that she was holding a gold locket in her hands. She held it out for me to take from her, which I did. I opened the heart shaped pendant and noticed that on the left-hand side, inside a small heart, was a picture of Leah and on the other side (inside an identical heart) was a picture of Sam. A silent sob rose up in my throat; it must have really pained her to look at this, much less let me look at it in front of her.

My voice caught in my throat and I felt like I might start to cry, "Leah, you didn't have to show me this."

"Flip it over."

I did as what I told. On the back, inside an intricate lace design were the small words "you have my heart forever". I did start to cry then and I made no attempt at concealing it.

She was crying too, but it was a muted cry, as if she had been crying these tears forever…and I suspected that she had. "He gave that to me the day he told me about Emily."

I looked at her and understanding filled me. She understood what I was going through better than I had expected. As I turned that beautiful gold locket over in my hands, I felt suddenly angry. How could Sam feel this way about Leah and then turn around and leave her?

As if she could read my mind she replied, "It was easier for him that way. She was made for him."

I couldn't speak, I was just so dumbfounded. How could Leah have been a part of his pack and just sat back and dealt with that? She had been running with him, hearing his thoughts in her head for so long…it must have been deafening. I looked at her and I was filled with admiration. I would never have had the strength to listen to Jacob's thoughts about Jamie and all the things they did together and have been able to endure it. There was no way I was that strong…but she was. Wow, Leah had to be the strongest woman I'd ever met in my life. No wonder she was the first and only female werewolf that had ever existed. There was definitely something special about her.

We didn't talk anymore that night. There wasn't much else to say to each other. We both understood how the other was feeling and words couldn't express the pain that we both knew was there. What was the point in trying to find words that were appropriate for the situation, where they weren't any? Instead we just sat there together, in silence until the sun rose the next morning.

Leah was amazing to me now. She possessed so many qualities that I wished I shared. She was able to be there for me in a way that no one else could have been able to be in my moment of desperation and yet, I knew that she had also been there for Jacob. She wasn't judgmental, just the way she had been with Sam.

That next day seemed a little bit easier. Though I never slept that night, I felt more energized somehow. Maybe it was just the relief of knowing that I had someone to talk to who got me, or maybe it was that something had changed in me. I wasn't sure, but it was refreshing. To have at least a few minutes without the constant pity party felt nice.

Sometime in the late morning, after I had showered and changed, I discovered that Jake was back. I came out of the spare bedroom and noticed he was sitting at the kitchen table, drinking lemonade.

When he saw me, his eyes filled with a mixture of love and intense pain. I suspected that mine must have reflected very similar feelings. "Hey Bella."

"Hey Jake." I went to the refrigerator to grab the carton of orange juice, pouring myself a glass. I took my juice and sat down at the table, next to him.

Neither one of us spoke for a few minutes; I suspected that we were both trying to figure out what to say.

Finally he spoke, "Bella, I can't stand this."

"It's not been a huge picnic for me either."

"I know that." He tucked my hair behind my ear, causing me to tremble. Time stood still again and it scared me. There was no way that it was okay for me to feel this way.

Pulling his hand away seemed like an extremely difficult task for him. He sighed, with great passion and reached into his pocket. He pulled out a cd, which was stuffed into a paper sleeve, and handed it to me. "I made this for you."

I looked at him, incredibly surprised at the sweetness of the gesture and that he had been capable of wrestling with a computer enough to do something like this. I felt tears stinging at my eyes and I fought hard to keep them from exploding in a frenzy. "Thanks," was all I was able to squeak out, before a sob caught in my throat.

He reached for me and pulled me against him. I felt so at home there, it was crazy. "I can't do this again, Jake."

"Bells, honey, we have to do this. I can't give up on this." His hands were shaking and it almost felt to me like he might have been crying too.

I reached up and kissed his forehead, protectively. "Leah and I had a long talk last night and I feel better."

He looked at me, "in what way?"

"I feel like I can accept it better, I guess. I mean, it's not like it isn't still the hardest thing I've ever had to go through, but I guess I feel a little bit better about everything."

He ran his hands over my hair, "I'm not Sam, Bella. I'm not Sam."

"I know that, but this is natural, it's part of the process of being the wolf. Jake, you know as well as I do that this imprint is bigger than you. You can't fight this and there isn't any point in trying."

"Maybe it is bigger than me, but it's not bigger than us."

I looked at him and with all the courage I could muster, I muttered the words, "I'm going back to him."

I could feel his whole body stiffen. "I thought you needed to be away from the vampires to stay undetected by the Volturi?"

I nodded, "That's true, but I can't hide from them forever. I have to face them sometime and see what happens."

He was outraged; I feared the wolfing out again, "see what happens? Bella, are you insane?"

Maybe I was. In fact I was convinced that there was a definitely crazy part of me. I mean, who but a crazy person would find a way to get themself wedged between a vampire and a werewolf who were mortal enemies? There was a definitely touch of crazy in me.

"Bella, the last time you were together he bit you and almost turned you."

I was sitting too closely to have him wolf out. I tried desperately to calm him. "Jacob, I tortured him. He lost control, but that doesn't mean he's a bad guy. In fact, he's a very good guy and we can have something that you and I can't."

"Oh, so you're just going to let him turn you and then you two can live sparkly ever after?" He was getting to that place again where I feared for my safety. I knew he would never hurt me, but if he got too angry he wouldn't have much control over his body.

"Jake, please. I can't do this anymore. I can't continue to cry myself to sleep every night. I can't keep trying to cling to some little piece of hope that this whole miserable thing was a nightmare. I know you think that me becoming a vampire is the worst possible thing, but this is worse…this is a lot worse. At least I know Edward won't find some other girl off the street and imprint on her. Once I am turned we will be mates for life. He will be with me forever and I will never have to be alone. And, I'll never get old and I'll be perfect. You might even like me better."

He looked at me as though I had grown two head and he let go of me as though touching me repulsed him. He was on his feet within seconds, glaring at me. "If he turns you I will kill him!"

"No! This is my choice, this isn't about you!" I was right up in his face, glaring back.

"Like hell it's not about me! You're only saying this shit to me so I'll get mad and give up on this. But, I'm here to tell you that I will never give up on what we have. I will never stop loving you and I will never want anyone else the way I want you. I don't care about a stupid imprint; it doesn't change how I feel!" He was crying now, big sloppy, messy tears. My heart broke into a thousand pieces and I knew that no matter who else I was with that not being with Jacob was going to hurt forever.

"Please don't cry, Jacob, I hate it when you cry."

"It's not a real picnic for me either." He said, quoting me from earlier in the conversation.

I smiled; he sure had a way of lightening the darkest of moods. Maybe that's why I always saw him as my own personal sun. He melted the frozen parts of my heart and brought life to the barren patches of my soul. The spirit of my own personal sun was what got me through my darkest hours and what gave me a reason to get out of bed in the morning. It was the only thing that had stopped me from giving up my life in the first place. "You know, you are the only reason I am alive today."

He pulled me to him, burying his face in my hair, taking in my scent. I knew he was going to miss doing that, but what was done was done. "We are linked together, Bells, in one way or another."

The only words that I could think of in that moment seemed partially like a cop out, but also like perfectly beautiful words, very indicative of how I was feeling; "You will have my heart forever."