Chapter 18: Jacob

Soul mates

I never put much stock in the idea of soul mates. In my mind it was a lot like imprinting; you didn't get any choice in the matter, so you might as well be together. Most people thought it to be a true phenomenon, well at least the hopeless romantics. I guess a part of me had held out some kind of hope that I would find mine and that it would be Bella, because she was the one I would have designed as my soul mate if I could have made her from clay myself. If my feelings were any indication of some kind of romantic pull that bound our souls together, then Bella would most certainly have to be my soul mate.

If that was the case, wasn't I supposed to be with my soul mate and live happily ever after? What a pile of crap that was! Imprinting had taken the place of a hand-picked, God-given love like what Bella and I had. Imprinting had changed my life; it had ripped my heart out, chopped it apart, stomped on it, sent it through a meat grinder and then glued it back together again and put it back in my chest. Imprinting sucked ass! What good is having a fucking soul mate if you can't be together?

That day with Bella in Leah's kitchen had been the single most horrible time of my life. I was more desperate in those moments than I had been that night before she was supposed to marry Edward. Maybe I should have stayed out of it in the first place and just let them be together. Maybe it would have been better for everyone that way. She could have married the bloodsucker, been turned and they could have lived in happiness forever. As for me…it would have sucked a lot, but I would never have known what it could have been. I never would have been given a little taste, just to find out that I didn't have the money for the whole meal. I should have accepted that she was meant to be with Edward from the beginning and taken it like a man, rather than a wimpy little boy.

Leah had been extremely supportive and that had been great, but not enough to make me feel better. Seth waited on me hand and foot, which irritated me highly, but even that wasn't enough to get my mind off my troubles. Quil and Embry finally understood what had crawled up my ass and died and had turned out to be very supportive and had even joined up with my new pack…but I didn't care. I didn't care about anything else in the whole world but being with Bella.

I knew I was going to have to get myself together and talk to Jamie, but I was seriously dreading that. What the hell was I supposed to tell her anyway? Could I ever tell her the truth about me? Would she ever accept that I was a werewolf who had somehow been bound to her through an ancient wolf with sadistic tendencies? Would she believe me if I did tell her? None of these questions I cared to answer….as far as I was concerned I could spend the rest of my life buried in a hole, never to see the light of day again.

When the day came that I could no longer pretend to be sick and stay home from school (who was I kidding….I really did feel sick?) I knew I was going to run into her and have to deal with whatever would happen.

I wasn't in the school more than 10 minutes before I could feel her pull to my body. I turned around and there she was, in all her gloriousness. A part of me longed to reach for her, to escape my misery in her arms, but I knew it was a double edged sword. If I surrendered to her like that I would only hate myself even more afterwards.

She took one look at me and softened. She reached out and stroked my face and I leaned into her touch, needing it. And then, just like I thought I would, I felt bad. "Jacob, you look terrible, are you alright?"

I couldn't lie to her, I knew it was pointless. I shook my head no and didn't even bother with the pretense.

"What's wrong?" She ran her hand over my chest in a soothing manner, as if she wanted to mend my heart.

Tears sprang to my eyes and I fought to hold them back. Not here, not now! I managed to get myself under control and squeak out a few words. "I have so much to tell you."

I made an immediate decision, in that moment, to skip school. I hoped she would be alright with it, but she didn't seem to mind me stealing her away.

We drove in silence, neither one of us knowing what to say to the other. When I pulled into my driveway, I turned to look at her, "this is my house."

She smiled, "I figured that much out on my own."

I smiled back; I was glad that she felt compelled to keep the mood light. I got out of the car and went around to open her door for her. Apparently imprinting improved my gentlemanly skills.

We stood outside, looking at each other for a few minutes. I didn't know what to do, how should I handle this? How does one go about telling someone about all this? "Would you like to come in?"

"It beats freezing to death outside." She smiled at me again and I had to admit that her smile was breathtaking.

We walked to the front door and I held it open for her, being a gentleman again. She slipped in beside me, and the close proximity of her body electrified me.

Five minutes later we had removed our coats and got seated in the living room. I looked at her, terrified, and she just smiled silly at me. "Okay, out with it!"

I sighed, "Jamie, I'm a werewolf."

She was silent for a minute as she processed and then she burst into a fit of laughter. She laughed for a good minute or two, but when her face caught a glimpse of mine the smile fell off her face. "Oh, okay."

I swallowed, preparing myself, "I'm being serious."

She smiled again, "so do you howl at the moon too?"

I sighed, "I suppose I could if I wanted to."

"You really are being serious."

I nodded, "Deadly." I ran my hands over my hair, "I'm one of a group of us. We were born with a gene that gets activated when we're physically mature and is triggered by a certain threat."

"Such as?"

"Vampires."

I could see laughter catch in her throat and she fought hard to suppress it. She took a moment to compose herself and then looked at me, "so you're telling me that you're a werewolf and that vampires are real and they triggered your turn?"

I nodded, "yeah."

"Okay, so either you're telling me the truth or you're crazy."

I got up and started to pace back and forth on the carpet in front of the couch, in front of her. "Trust me, I wish I was just crazy. That would be a lot easier to deal with."

"So, could you prove it to me?"

I stopped pacing and looked at her, "No, not right now."

She nodded, "right, it's still daylight."

I almost smirked, "that's not what I meant. Actually the whole full moon thing is just a myth. It happens when you're really angry or wanting it to happen."

"So you could….turn right now?"

"If I wanted to." I sat back down next to her, "But I don't. In fact I haven't phased in quite a while; actually since the day I first met you. And, since I haven't wolfed out in a while I just don't think it's a good idea. I don't know what kind of reaction I might have."

She nodded again; I thought I sensed a strong feeling of disbelief in her eyes. "Is there some kind of significance about the day you met me?"

I sighed again, "okay, what I'm about to tell you is going to seem really weird."

She raised an eyebrow at me, "weirder than you being a werewolf and vampires being real?"

I shrugged, "I guess it's sort of up for your own interpretation."

She folded her arms in front of her, "well, this I've gotta hear."

"I imprinted on you." I told her, looking into her eyes.

Her eyebrow rose again, "please tell me that doesn't mean anything as perverted as I'm imagining."

I think I actually laughed at that one, "no. It means that you were selected for me. Basically the wolf chose you as my mate because you are supposed to be the best genetic match for me and the strongest probability for me to pass on the gene to the next generation."

Her mouth hung open and her eyes practically popped out of their sockets. The silence was deafening and I sat there, cringing, until she finally did speak. "Uh huh. So if we're supposed to be together then why the hell did you run away from me for so long?" It was an innocent enough question, but I hadn't been ready for this part.

I shook my head, staring at my hands.

"Oh, when I asked you if there was someone else…I wasn't too far off base, was I?"

I shook my head, "No. I'm in love with someone else."

She nodded, "Oh. So, you love her but you're like promised to me in some sort of weird arranged marriage?"

I cringed, "I guess."

"Honestly Jacob, I hope this stuff is real, because if it's not you needed to be fitted for a straight jacked right now." She was the one who was pacing now. I rested my head against my hand, my elbow propped up on my knee.

"This is why I didn't want to tell you. I've never really had to go through this before. We're supposed to keep a low profile. But, you're kind of in a sensitive position right now and I need you to know the truth, because I have to figure out where to go from here."

"So, I don't really get a choice in this whole thing?" She asked, "Is that what you're telling me?"

"On the contrary, you're the only one in the situation who does get a choice."

"So, like if I decided I didn't believe you and I went running for the hills and I didn't ever want to see you again…." Her voice trailed off.

"I would leave you alone, completely."

"And that would be easy for you, right?"

I shook my head, "No, not easy." I stood up and went to her, my hand settling just above her hip, "my body yearns for you. I feel an invisible cord connecting us at all times. It's almost painful to not be near you. So, no, it wouldn't be easier if you didn't want me."

I could sense a feeling of desire pass through her body as she processed my words. "But, what about the girl you love? Where is she now?"

"She left me. She knew all about imprints and what it meant. So, she went back to her ex-fiancé." I grumbled out the words, "He's a vampire."

She shook her head a couple of times and then looked back at me, "I just don't know what to make of all of this."

"I'm not surprised; it's a lot to take in. Not many people could hear all of this and just accept it. But, I needed to tell you. I needed you to understand how difficult things are for me right now. I hate the feeling of not being in control of my own life and my own choices. And, since the wolf kind of brought you into this without your knowledge, I kind of felt like I owed you an explanation."

"I am a part of this now." She told me, looking into my eyes, "lucky for you I kind of like you."

"I like you too Jamie, I really do." And I did. She was a wonderful, beautiful, smart girl, with a good head on her shoulders. I felt like she was the perfect example of all the qualities that I had always been looking for in a woman. She was everything that I wanted…on paper, but she wasn't Bella, and I knew that no matter what happened, she would never be enough for me.

As I looked into those deep green eyes I felt bad. I was sorry for bringing her into this drama and for letting her know that monsters are real. I wished I could have sheltered her from that, kept her safe, but I had already blown that. I had opened up and let her in. Even though I didn't love her, I knew that from that moment on I had a duty to protect her. I made her life a lot less safe by being in it and by letting her know that vampires and werewolves were real. Whether she believed me or not, she now had a target on her back and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it….except work my ass off to keep her safe. But, I knew that no matter how much time I spent with her and how close we got that she would never replace Bella to me. There would always be a huge part of my heart with Bella's name on it and nobody else could ever fill it.