Chapter 19: Jacob

Breaking Point

Those few hours with Jamie were the only moments of sanity that I had. And, even that didn't seem completely sane to me at all. I mean, I had put Jamie's life in danger by bringing her into this. That was really inexcusable. But, how in the world could I be imprinted to someone and have them understand that without knowing who I really am? No, that truly wouldn't have been possible. I had done the right thing….hadn't I?

Up until I went back to school I had been a blubbery, incoherent mess and after that day, I went back to that. It was weird because I felt better having talked to her and knowing that I had someone there for me in that way….but then I felt worse for feeling that sense of relief. I spent most of my time beating myself up for things that weren't really my fault to begin with.

I was lying in my bed, the way I had for days, since Bella left to go back to the bloodsucker, staring at the wall, not even processing what I was seeing. I was barely conscious, wanting nothing more than for someone to come in and put me out of my misery. If I wasn't such a fucking coward I would have done it myself.

If I wasn't so completely out of my mind (not to mention so immersed in my own drama) I would have been incredibly shocked that Sam was bothering to visit me. He came everyday and just sat with me for a while, talking endlessly about some mumbo jumbo that I never listened to, but it was nice all the same. I never would have expected him to give a rat's ass about me at all. Maybe I didn't give him enough credit.

"For crying out loud, Jake, please listen to me." He cried out, exasperated.

I grunted a response.

That didn't seem to appease him at all. "Jake, trust me, maybe you can't see it now, but things are going to be fine. Bella will be happy with Edward and you will find your peace and happiness with Jamie. It is destined that way and it will happen. You just have to trust me on this one, I guess."

That did it, I was paying attention now. I sat up and stared at him, "oh right, I should totally take your word for it. You hurt a great girl and somehow managed to go on with your life like everything was cool." I folded my arms across my chest, "I am nothing like you."

He growled in response, "You know nothing about me at all if that's what you think it was like for me. I have never stopped agonizing over this. There isn't a day that goes by that I have ever stopped regretting hurting her or stopped loving her. But, I'm not a little coward who ran from his fate, I learned to accept it. And, you know what, Emily and I click. She's great for me, she completes me. Sure, I didn't have the choice that I might have liked, but I am happy with her all the same."

I was so angry, I swear I was about to shoot fire from my pupils. I guess it was a good thing that I didn't, at least for Sam's sake. "You're a piece of work, do you know that? You spend your life devoted to a woman who has to wake up every day knowing that you didn't pick her; all the while poor Leah had to listen to your thoughts all fucking day long every day. You shouldn't be giving me advice about anything….I never want to be like you!"

Clearly my words had hit Sam a bit too far below the belt, because his eyes changed color and a growl rolled out from his chest, as if he was nearly in his wolf form. He punched me, hard and square in the jaw. It was a nasty punch and I knew it should hurt, but I was swept up in so much pent up rage that I couldn't feel it at all.

Something happened to me that hadn't happened in weeks….I actually wanted to wolf out. I wanted to tear Sam limb from limb. I ran to my window, threw off everything but my shorts and jumped out of my window, wolfing out as I hit the ground, for the first time since that very first day I had met Jamie in the hallway. And, just like I knew he would, he followed me. We ran into the woods. I felt like I was flying, the wind on my back. I couldn't believe how freeing it was to be in this form. It was ironic to me that I hated the wolf so much and yet nothing was freer than being trapped within his form.

When we were safely away from my house and the others who were around, I attacked him. Whatever makes you feel better, Jake. He could still talk to me telepathically because he was another alpha, but we could only hear the thoughts that we wanted each other to hear.

He thought he was being a martyr by allowing me to fight him, like it would somehow make everything better and he would get all the credit. All it did was piss me off more and increase my desire to kill him. In that moment I released every ounce of frustration and anger on him. I unleashed all the pent up emotions and put them into my attack. My razor sharp teeth sunk into his shoulder and tossed him around like a rag doll. I had strength that I never had before. Ordinarily I would never have been able to defeat him, because he was a lot stronger than me, but blind rage filled me and I felt as though I could do anything. I was completely invincible.

His body landed near my house, something I should have thought about before I flung him. I didn't want the fight to be that close to the others, that's why we had run from the house in the first place. Clearly I we should have went farther into the woods but I was not aware of my own strength.

I ran to where his body had landed and pounced on him. I threw my body against his repeatedly, making a gigantic statement. Okay, Jake stop! You're doing some serious damage. Clearly I underestimated you!

That's right you did asshole! You thought you were being all big and bad coming out here. You were going to let me win and be some kind of hero, but you didn't count on me being stronger than you!

I flung myself against him again, feeling the cracking of a few broken ribs. He yelped and I knew I should stop before things got out of hand, but I didn't care. I needed him to realize that I was stronger than him….in every sense of the word!

Stop it; you're being a bratty baby! His thoughts were frantic and pained. Those were not the right words to say to me though, and I retaliated by sinking my claws into his chest, trying to rip his heart out. He growled and winced, in painful, wolfish cries. I felt no sympathy at all. I had never known myself to be this kind of person, violent with no remorse. It scared me but also energized me at the same time. I lunged for him again, but something stopped me. Suddenly there was another wolf there….it was Leah. She threw herself between us, desperately trying to keep me from killing him. Of course she would want to protect her beloved from harm, even when he did nothing but hurt her every day.

Shut up Jake, you don't mean what you're thinking. You know this isn't Sam's fault. Killing him won't take your pain away. It will only give you something else to torture yourself over. Don't do this to yourself. She was desperate, pleading with me, as her body was sprawled out, shielding the man she loved from my attack.

I backed up, she was right. I was about to destroy one of my own kind because I hated the monster in me and I was beating myself up for the imprint. None of it was my fault; I hadn't chosen the gene, I hadn't decided to wolf out the first time, I hadn't asked for the imprint. None of it was within my realm of control….nothing except attacking and almost killing Sam.

I whimpered, pitifully. If I had been human I would have been crying my eyes out. How could I have done that? What a monster I had turned out to be. Maybe Bella was safer with Edward after all? Maybe Edward had been right about me all along.

Leah morphed back into her human form, not even caring that she was stark naked. She called out for Quil and Embry, who were inside the house and had them attend to Sam, who was bleeding profusely. Quil and Embry helped coax Sam back into human form so that they could pick him up and carry him inside and put him in bed; my bed of all places.

While they did that, Leah held me as I helplessly whimpered and cowered. I couldn't bring myself to phase back. I couldn't stand to let her see the tears that would be falling from my eyes dramatically. She petted my russet hair and whispered about how it was all going to be alright. I laid my head in her lap, not caring that her naked womanhood was mere inches from my face. It wasn't my face though….it was his. How could I continue to associate this wolf form with myself? He was a different being entirely, and I was a vessel for his inhabitance. It took all the resolve I had to change back, as the tears flowed from my eyes, just the way I had expected them to.

I knew there was only one doctor who could attend to Sam's wounds…the only doctor around that knew our secret. He was there within five minutes…damn those bloodsuckers drove fast. Normally he wouldn't have been allowed to cross the La Push lines, but an exception was made in this case. When he got to my house, I was still lying helplessly in Leah's arms and Carlisle shot me a pathetic look, like he felt sorry for me. I wasn't sure how I felt about that. He went to me, "Jacob, are you hurt?"

His words were kind and it brought on a new wave of tears. Leah looked at the doctor and shook her head, "He's fine, but Sam's in bad shape…he's in Jake's room."

The doctor didn't waste any more time. He sprinted with lightening speed into my house and ran to Sam's side.

I still couldn't move, I felt like I was a prisoner in my own body. I couldn't believe the horrible thing that I had done. How could I ever face him and the other wolves ever again? While I lay there, in my own pity party, Leah ran into the house to get clothes. She threw on one of my shirts and wore it around like a nightshirt, which I would have thought was cute if I had been in better spirits. She handed me a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. I didn't move to put them on, so she did something that took me by surprise, she dressed me. Geez, no wonder she was the Beta to my Alpha.

"Jake, please stop crying."

I shook my head, I couldn't. There was nothing else I could do; I was so completely desperate with despair.

I was too full of self-loathing to notice when a car pulled into my driveway, but Leah noticed it and she immediately tensed up. I looked in the direction she was staring in and saw the silver Volvo. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up, what was he doing here? 'No' I thought to myself, 'he was not invited.' When the driver got out of the car, I thought I was going to die. There she was, beautiful as ever. When she saw me, she looked very sad. She ran to me, dropping to her knees at my side.

"Jake, are you insane?" She looked me over, trying to assess the damages and then sat back on her heels.

Well, what other explanation was appropriate for what I had done, "I must be."

She shook her head and looked at Leah, "You don't have to take care of him anymore; I've got this."

Leah politely nodded at her and gave her a small, compassionate smile. She lifted my head from her lap and laid it on the ground beside her. Then she got up, brushed the dirt from her legs and headed into my house, to visit her wounded love.

I looked into Bella's eyes and then I wished I hadn't. Her eyes were full of such pain, remorse. They looked tired and bloodshot from crying and under her eyes were swollen purple bags. I was clear that she hadn't been doing much sleeping.

She repositioned herself so that she was lying next to me, her arm wrapped over my arm. As soon as her arm touched me, I felt more tears stinging at my eyes. Apparently I had many pent up emotions that all were choosing to come out now. She must have felt my body trembling because she ran her hands over my body and whispered, "shh," in my ear. "It's all going to be alright."

She must have been taking lessons from Leah or something because they both tried to convince me of this ridiculous lie. I had thought things were impossible before, but at this point I wasn't even going to bother assessing the situation. There was absolutely no way on this stupid planet that anything was ever going to be alright again. "It's all going to be alright."

She must have been taking lessons from Leah or something because they both tried to convince me of this ridiculous lie. I had thought things were impossible before, but at this point I wasn't even going to bother assessing the situation. There was absolutely no way on this stupid planet that anything was ever going to be alright again.

Before I completely allowed myself to be swept away in self-loathing despair, I felt Bella's body stiffen and she quickly moved from the romantic position she had been in with me. I was startled out of my own mind and turned to see what had upset her and noticed that Carlisle was walking toward us.

"How is he?" Bella asked, sparing me from having to ask that very same question.

Carlisle frowned, "well, he will survive, but he only narrowly escaped with his life on this one."

I winced, hating the way the doctor was looking at me. He knew I had been responsible for the whole thing and clearly he disapproved of Bella being so close to me. I couldn't tell whether his scrutiny was more for Edward's sake or for the sake of Bella's safety.

She stood up; Carlisle reached a stone hand out to help her up. Once she was up she turned to me and held out her hand. I looked up at her and took her tiny hand into my own. She looked back at Carlisle for a minute and nodded to him. He went to his car and sat there, waiting for her but giving us a few moments of privacy.

"You need to go in there and take care of this, Jake." She reached up to touch my face with her hand, sending chills up and down my spine. "Please, work this out with your friends; don't let our situation cause unnecessary problems. It's not worth it."

I looked deeply into her eyes and I knew she was going to walk off and get into his shiny car; just the way she used to. I hadn't fixed anything by keeping her from him in the first place, I guess we really weren't meant to be together.

I could feel her pulling back from me, but I didn't want her to leave. I put all the effort I had into one last attempt to make her stay. "Bella please, don't go back to him. Just forget this whole suicide mission you're on. Please." It was like déjà vu all over again, my goodness.

A single tear fell from her beautiful eyes, "It's not that simple and you know it. We can't change this now. I want you to be happy, Jacob, with Jamie. Love her with all your heart; don't save any of it for me, because I'm not coming back. I've made my choice and Edward is it. I'm sorry, but it was always him."

Though I knew she was lying again she was awfully convincing. I would almost have believed her if I hadn't noticed the way her shoulders slumped and her body shook with the sobs that were escaping as she got into the car and pulled out of my driveway and out of my life, forever.