Chapter 20: Bella

One Request

I woke the next morning with a feeling of mixed emotions. This was the day that Edward was finally going to grant me what I had wanted for so long. This time he was going to do it properly, without the seduction and the neck biting, but with an injection straight into my heart, just the way we had planned it before.

So, I was excited at the concept of starting a new life with Edward, but it was really bittersweet. I hated leaving Jake like that at his house, feeling his pain and weakness, feeling it through every ounce of my body. I hated pulling out of that driveway and knowing that I would never drive back in.

Edward and I decided that after I was turned that we would leave Forks. We needed to get out of this place and go somewhere where nobody knew us and we could really start our new and exciting eternal lives.

It was hard to get used to be being back at the Cullen's house. I had to get used to having people watch me eat and sleep and be fascinated by normal, everyday human things. The things I had enjoyed doing with Jacob were impossible to do with Edward or the others. But, it would not matter for long anyway. In three day's time I would be completely brand new. I wouldn't care about eating or sleeping or anything else that was pointless to a beautiful immortal.

I hoped that my change would be rather easy, considering how much mental preparation was going into it. I really felt strongly that the dream I had during the coma was an indication of how things would be when I was turned.

So, that morning I forced a big, warm smile on my face, knowing that Edward would be sitting and watching me. True to form, he was. "Good morning."

He smiled at me lightly, "good morning, love."

I slid my legs over the side of the bed and went to him, sliding into his lap. He stiffened a bit, defensively. I knew he was still uncomfortable with the idea of being alone with me after what happened the last time, but I wasn't afraid. I had been the one who pushed him into it; I had thrown myself at him, what else could he have done? "So, today's the day."

He looked away, visibly upset. "About that, is there any possibility of me talking you out of that?"

I pouted my lower lip and he actually smiled, "no, come on, you promised."

He sighed, "Yes, but so much has happened."

I placed a finger over his cold, stone lips, "please, let's not do this again. None of it matters; all that matters is that we are together now and that we're going to be together forever." I bent my head up and kissed him lightly, careful not to come on too strong. He very lightly reciprocated the kiss, but his body was so rigid and stiff. I wondered if he would ever completely trust himself around me again. Well, I was sure he would after I was turned, how could he not be? I would be just like him and I would be unbreakable. He would no longer have to worry about hurting me. I looked up at him and gave him a little, coy smile and he melted a bit, smiling back at me. And then he frowned again, "Bella, I'm just not sure you're doing this for the right reasons."

I slid out of his lap, which obviously made him a bit more comfortable. I looked back at him, "why in the world would you say that?"

"A month ago you threw yourself at me and begged me to turn you, just to find out that you didn't really want it. What could possibly have changed all of that in such a short period of time?"

I shrugged, "I guess I just finally got my head together, that's all."
"You know there is nothing I want more than for you to be with me forever, but don't you think you're being a bit hasty?"

I sighed, "Edward, I pushed the wedding off six months, how much more time do I need?"

He stood up and put up his hands, "fine, I'll let Alice know. I'm sure she will be in momentarily to get you ready." With that, he left.

Once he was gone, I frowned, things were happening really fast. I knew he was right, but I didn't feel as though I had any other options. I had to make the Voturi happy. Alice said they would be here in three days and that I would be turned and they would be happy with that. They would try to convince us to come to Italy and join up and we would, of course, refuse.

Edward refused to change me without the wedding so I decided that we should have a quick, small one and not invite anyone outside the Cullen family. I didn't want my mother (or anyone else for that matter) being around this neck of the woods when the Volturi showed up. I wanted it to be over as quickly as possible and spare as many people as possible.

I sighed, sitting in front of the mirror, looking at my appearance. How in the world was Alice going to be able to do anything with me? My eyes were red, my skin colorless, my hair lacking all its shine and I had big swollen bags under my eyes. Oh, how devastatingly beautiful I would be. I guess it didn't matter much anyway, on my best day I looked like a dirty homeless person next to Edward.

My mood was taking a dramatic turn for the worse. I had to do something quickly to perk myself up before Alice came into the room and saw right through my façade of happiness. I decided I would listen to the C.D. Jake had made me. I had been really curious about what kinds of songs would be on it and there didn't seem to be any better time to find out. I slid it from the paper sheath and into Edward's C.D. player and pushed play.

I sat back and waited for the first song to play. I was completely surprised by the song that filled the room with sound. It was Uncle Kracker's "Smile". As I listened to the song I found that it really did make me feel better. It was comforting to know that he was out there, thinking of me, even if we couldn't be together. I sat back and really listened to the words, trying to take in the message that Jake was trying to send me through this song.

Even when you're gone,

Somehow you come along

Just like a flower poking through the sidewalk crack and just like that

You steal away the rain and just like that…

Big, messy tears fell from my eyes. How had he been able to pick the perfect song to showcase how I felt about him too?

Don't know how I lived without you

Cause every time that I get around you

I see the best of me inside your eyes

You make me smile….

The tears that were falling at this point weren't of the happy nature. I really did see the best of myself inside his eyes. How was I going to be able to go on forever and never have that? How could I go on with this lie and know what I would never again get to see myself the way that Jacob saw me?

It was inconceivable to me to imagine my life without my love, my sun, my best friend. I wondered what would have become of me if he hadn't stopped my wedding in the first place. Would I be a vampire now? Would I have been happy? I wasn't sure that happiness would have been possible under those circumstances, because I was pretty sure that I didn't know what happiness was until very recently. Jake brought meaning to my life and gave me a reason to live. Being with Edward always made me ready to sign my life away, but with Jacob I got to experience life and have it more abundantly.

After three years of complaining about being human and wanting nothing but to be a perfect immortal like Edward, being human didn't seem all that bad. Sure there were definitely some downfalls….like having to use the bathroom, but it had its perks as well. Being alive meant that you could cry, dream and have a family. It wasn't until that very moment that I realized how much I wanted a family. I wanted a lot more from life than I ever used to want, that had to mean something, I was sure of it.

There was a knock on the door which startled me and brought me from my own thoughts. I quickly shut the music off and opened the door. Alice was standing there, a make-up bag in one hand, a garment bag draped over the other arm and a huge grin on her face.

I made an effort to smile in return; so that she couldn't tell that I had been sitting there throwing myself a silent pity party.

It didn't work; she got one look at me and frowned. "Bella, what's wrong?"

I shrugged, "Oh, it's nothing Alice. I'm fine."

She made a face at me, "like Hell you are."

I looked at her, "Alice, please don't harp on it, okay? I've made my decision and you've seen my future. Let's just do this."

She sighed, "I just want you to be happy, Bella."

I nodded, "I know, and I am."

She laid the dress over the bed and set the makeup bag down. She went to me and wrapped me in a hug, "its okay Bella, if you're not. It's okay to allow yourself to feel whatever you feel. Nobody is going to judge you."

"I don't see what other choice I have right now. They're going to be here in three days and they want me to be turned. So, basically I have two choices…be turned with the safety of loved ones or be killed by the Volturi. It's kind of a no brainer on this one, Alice."

"Just because I have seen what I have seen, it doesn't mean that it can't change. You can change it."

I glared at her, "And what exactly do you think I should do? Go running back to Jake and beg him to protect me?"

"It's an idea. We would be a lot better off against them with the wolves on our side."
"Sam's incapacitated and Jake's probably not going to phase again anytime soon. Without their alphas the others will be lost."

"Okay, so maybe that wouldn't work so well, but you could at least pretend to have a small sense of self preservation." She smiled at me sympathetically, "If you don't want to be turned and you don't want to go back to the wolves then just get the hell out of Forks. Run away, go somewhere else until they give up."

"Have you ever known the Volturi to give up?"

She sighed, "I suppose you're right, but I still think you should fight a little bit harder on this one. I mean this is life and death, Bella. This is not something to be entered into lightly. Think about all that you will be giving up."
"Oh, big deal. I'm not giving up anything of any value to me."

She snickered, "you're a bad liar. I can see it on your face; you're not the same person you were before he stopped that wedding. You've changed, Bella, you've grown up and you've realized what really matters."

"Look, I can't have Jacob; he's imprinted on someone else."

"I get that." She told me, seriously, "But, just because you can't have Jacob doesn't mean you have to have Edward."

"I love him, I really do."

She smiled, "I know you do, but in what way? Can you honestly look me in the eyes and tell me that you love Edward as much as you love Jacob?" I couldn't look at her, I had to look away. She smiled. "That's what I thought."
I shook my head, my emotions welling up on me again. She reached for me in another sisterly hug. "Edward will be alright. You can't spend the rest of your life sacrificing for everyone else and never doing anything for you." She tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, "Don't make this be about Edward or Jacob. Don't let your life vs. death decision be about either one of them. Because, ultimately, in the end this is about you. This is your story, Bella. It doesn't matter which guy you choose…it never did, what matters is that you choose yourself. You're young, full of life and you have so much to offer the world. Think about this, really; really think about this."

I wanted to run away or to hide under the bed for about a thousand years, until I could figure out what I needed to do. The answer was right there, if only I could see it. Alice left me alone to be with my own thoughts, knowing full well that the future had changed. I always hated that she seemed to know so much about my decisions before I even made them.

I pushed play on the C.D. player again and listened to the second song. I liked it, but I was surprised that Jacob would pick a Lady Antebellum song.

Our love's the only truth,

That's why I run to you.

This world keeps spinning faster,

To a new disaster, so I run to you,

I run to you, baby.

When it all starts coming undone,

Baby you're the only one I run to,

I run to you.

Okay, wow. That song was pretty deep. Maybe it was a sign of what I was supposed to do….

Edward knocked on the door and came in then. He was surprised to hear the music that I was listening to. I jumped up and turned it off. I gave him a helpless look, desperately not wanting him to be mad.

"You didn't have to turn that off, you know. You are welcome to listen to whatever you like." I started to pace and he raised his eyebrow, curiously. "What are you doing?"

"Edward…I…" I sighed. What exactly did I want to say to him?

"You're unsure."

I nodded at him, feeling really self-conscious and more than a little upset with myself.

"I love you Bella, I always will. But, a big part of loving someone is putting their needs ahead of your own. You've always done that for me, but I feel as though I haven't done that for you. I've been selfish. I haven't put your best interest ahead of my own agenda." He pulled me into his arms, allowing my head to rest against his cold chest. "You made me feel things that I hadn't ever felt before and I got used to that. But, I've had a long time to come to terms with myself and this life that I now lead. This is who I am, but it's not who you need to be. If I was in your position I would run like hell. I would get my ass out of this world of crazy monsters and go somewhere where your biggest concern is other crazy humans." He smiled then, but it was a bittersweet smile, "I will be alright, I promise you. For once, I implore you to put your needs ahead of mine. If you have ever cared about me in the slightest you will do me this one favor."

I looked up at him and I could see the pain and sadness so clear on his face, but I knew he meant it. He wanted me to have all the things that he could never give me. He wanted me to have all the things he never got to have, and it was a heart wrenching thing for me to see on his face.

I bent up and kissed him, sweetly, gently. I loved him, I truly did. He made me look at the world in a different way, made me feel that I was special. I owed Edward a lot and I could surely grant him this one request. "I can do that Edward, I can."