Chapter 21: Jacob

Conversations With Leah

I was doing what I did best; wallowing. That seemed to be the only thing I was able to master successfully. I was wallowing and feeling sorry for myself when Leah knocked on my bedroom door and walked in. I didn't even care that she hadn't waited for me to welcome her in. It didn't matter anyway, what could she possibly see that she hadn't already seen a million times before?

"Hey Jake." She bounced onto the corner of my bed and looked at me, flashing me a warm smile.

"Hey Leah." I mumbled in response.

"So, since the vamps are coming in a couple days, we should figure out what we're going to do about them."
I looked her square in the face, "What point is there? She's doing this willingly."

"So you don't think we should still fight them?"

I shrugged, "What good will it do anyway? It won't change anything."

"Well, you can't be wishy washy about this Jake, you're our pack leader."

"I never asked to be a pack leader, okay? I just didn't want to be in Sam's pack; there's a big difference."

She didn't even bother flinching at my harshness, she was used to me. She sighed, "I just wish you'd get things together."

"You and me both."

She looked at me, "I don't really think that's true. I think if you wanted to get your shit together you would."

I looked her straight in the eyes, my eyebrow raised, "What ?"

She folded her arms, clearly not intimidated by me, "You heard me. I think you enjoy having all this angst. If you didn't you would have taken care of it by now."

"Well, all knowing, all powerful Leah, what do you suggest that I do?"

She tilted her head to the side, "I see you with two options, here."

"And they are?"

"You either accept what's happened and get on with your life or you tackle your problems head on and break the imprint."

"You can't break an imprint!"

"You could if you gave up the wolf."

Wow, that was definitely something I hadn't thought about before. It seemed logical enough. If I gave up the part of me that imprinted on her, wouldn't the imprint then go away? Also, I could just go back to being an ordinary human and focus on college and my future. I looked at her, my mouth hanging open, "How come I never thought of that?"

She shrugged, "I guess it just took someone with superior intelligence." She laughed, looking at my facial expression. I swatted her playfully and she hit me back.

"Ow!" I yelled, "I only lightly tapped you."

She smiled, "Shut up, you liked it." Then her expression turned serious again, "It would be hard on the other pack members, Jake, but you have to do what's right for you, whatever that is."

I thought about the implication of what she was saying and realization hit me. "Leah, I don't want you to have to go back to Sam's pack. It's not fair to you to have to be inside his head all the time like that. Nobody should have to go through that. It's hard enough knowing that he imprinted on someone else, but to hear it every day….that's got to be excruciating."

There was sadness in her eyes that hadn't been there when we were playing around. I desperately just wanted to make it all better, but I knew I didn't have the power to do that. "I've gotten used to it."

"Leah….you should never have to get used to it. You deserve better than that."

She looked at me, and her eyes filled with tears. I pulled her to me, holding her closely against my chest. I could feel her body trembling against me and I felt sad for her, but better that I was able to be there for her the way she had been there for me some many times. After all, she had cradled my naked body in her arms and hadn't felt uncomfortable with it at all.

She looked up at me, wiping tears from her eyes, "Look, it's not just about you, Jake. So many people have been affected by this imprint. Obviously Bella has also been affected, and so has Jamie. Jamie was brought into a new world and has to be completely confused. Also, she has to know that though you two are supposed to be together that you don't love her and she has to deal with that every day. And, you know, Edward has also been affected by this. He has to look at his sparkly self in the mirror every day and know that Bella is only with him because she can't have you. That's got to be a terrible burden to bear, especially when you are just starting your life with someone."

I wondered if this was how she felt about Emily. Like, even though Emily was her cousin and had stolen the love of her life right out from under her nose, could she possibly feel sorry for the girl? Could she possibly feel as though Emily was merely a victim as well? I hadn't really ever given that much thought…it was an interesting perspective.

Leah went on and I just sat there and listened….the thing I was always forced to do whenever she lectured at me. "And, as much as neither one of us wants to think about it…Sam has definitely been affected by this imprint and he almost died because of it. That's not even to mention the rest of the pack. We were one pack; all together, all reading each other's minds, all being controlled by the same leader. And now we're two different packs and I have to say that I much prefer ours. There is a stronger sense of unity because we all want to be there…well, with the exception of you of course."

"How could I ever want to be there? Becoming the wolf was the worst thing that ever happened to me."

"So, stop. You have the power to tell the wolf to fuck off and just go back to being Jacob Black. You can go back to spending hours in the garage, fixing up cars, and going fishing with Billy. You can grow old, Jake. You have the ability to make that choice…it's always been there for you."

I don't know why I hadn't realized all of this myself. Maybe it was because I was too busy feeling sorry for myself. I mean, my God…I had been as moody and over gelled as Edward and that's not something that I would like to say for myself.

Leah was really something. She was passionate, smart, intense and intuitive beyond her years. I had always thought that she was just a whiny, wimpy girl, but this girl has balls. There was a true strength that emanated from her and it was contagious; when I was around her I felt stronger myself.

"Leah, you're pretty cool."

She smiled at me, "you're not so bad yourself, Jake."

I reached over and messed up her hair and she laughed. "I want you to do me a favor."

"Anything."

"If I do decide to abandon the wolf and I leave the pack…I want you to promise me that you won't go back to Sam. Don't let him get the best of you."

"What other choice do I have? We don't have another alpha. Nobody else has the qualities that you and Sam have."

I looked deep into her dark eyes, "That's not true; it's not true at all."

She looked back at me blankly until a realization sparked in her eyes, "you can't possibly mean me?"
"Of course I mean you. Who else would I mean….Seth?"
She laughed. "Jake, I'm just a girl."

I snickered, "You're not just anything. You're incredible. You feel what the rest of us feel, whether you hear our thoughts or not. You carry the weight of the world on your shoulders and you do it with grace and compassion. Leah, you feel it in your soul. The wolf is in tune with you…she is you and you are her. There's a reason why you're the only female werewolf that has ever existed and it has nothing to do with your womanhood or your fertility. It has everything to do with your strength and your incredible empathy."

She looked stunned for a minute and then big tears slid down her face. I reached out and pulled her to me once again. She would never know how much she had helped me and there weren't words to express the gratitude I felt in my heart. As I held her close and felt her warmness against me, I felt something I hadn't ever felt before…I felt like I had a real family. Like, no matter what happened or what decisions I ended up making that my pack was there for me and they truly loved me as if I was their own flesh and blood. I knew that I would always have a friend in Leah as long as I lived. She looked up at me and I could tell she was feeling those same emotions. It was one of those moments where words didn't need to be spoken, because communication was happening from one soul to the other.

I ran my hands through her hair and before I knew what was happening, our lips met in a gentle kiss. It wasn't wildly passionate and I didn't get tingles up and down my spine, but it was nice and comforting. I felt intensely special and safe.

"Can I tell you something?" I asked her, knowing that she'd never deny me airing my thoughts.

"Sure."

"There is a part of me that wishes that you were my imprint." I could feel her body tremble and I felt bad, I didn't mean to make her cry. I hadn't meant to cause her any pain by my words.

Then I realized that she wasn't crying at all, she was laughing. I pulled back and looked at her in horror. "What are you laughing about?"
She wiped away happy tears of laughter, "You know as well as I do that wouldn't have worked out. We so would have killed each other."

I was laughing too; loud, obnoxious ripples of laughter rang through my chest and I realized I was happy. Sure, I would have been happier had Bella not given up on me and had I not imprinted on Jamie and brought her into my twisted world and I would have been happier yet if I hadn't tried to kill Sam, but I was happy anyway. At least for a few moments, in Leah's arms, I felt at peace for the first time in a long time. And I knew in my heart that things were going to be okay. Even if Bella was turned and she spent forever with Edward and I was forced to deal with bringing Jamie into my world, a place she didn't belong, and even if I stayed a werewolf until the right time to stop and get old, I knew that things were going to be alright, because I had friends and family who loved me.

"Thank you." She told me, softly.

"For what?" What could I possibly have ever done to warrant her gratitude?

"For believing in me." She ran her hands through my hair, affectionately, "For seeing something in me that was worth loving."
I was stunned….I had done that? "Geez Leah, you make me sound like a Saint, and I sure as hell am nothing of the sort. In fact, I feel like I owe you. I owe you for being there for me when nobody else was. I thank you for pointing out the things in me that I couldn't see myself." I nuzzled into her neck, "I love you, Leah." And I did….she would forever be my confidante, my right hand man (so to speak), the Beta to my Alpha….even if I was no longer Alpha.