Brown Like My Heart

A/N: After watching the trailer for Final Destination 4 (which is now on YouTube; go check it out!) I've decided to update my story a lot more.

(Okay Splendid, okay. You can do this. It's just a date, like any normal one…)

Splendid was talking to himself in his mind, wary of his proposal situation.

(You got the flowers, you got the ring. You know where you're gonna go to and you know what you're gonna do. You're not gonna kill anyone and you're not gonna let ANYTHING disturb you. This is gonna end perfectly. In a few months, I'm gonna be a happy flying squirrel with a happy flying wife. I'm gonna be fine…just fine.)

Splendid sighed heavily and walked up to Perfect's door, extending his hand and knocking on it three times.

(Damn, I should probably use that breath spray; I just got done eating burritos a few hours ago).

Splendid dug within his pockets and took out a tiny container filled with fresh-scent air and water, then squirted it into his mouth twice. Just before the door opened, he put the breath spray into his pocket and smiled when he saw Perfect, offering her the flowers.

"Oh my God, Splendid! They're lovely!" said Perfect.

"For you my love." said Splendid, extending her the flowers.

Perfect admired the beautiful golden flowers for a few more seconds before she hugged Splendid and tossed the flowers into a vase…which broke due to the strength of her throw.

"Oops."

"Don't worry about it. It's just a vase; we could always buy more."

"So what are our plans for tonight?"

"Tonight we're going to see that movie about all the stabbing and whatnot, then I'd figure we should go to Olive Garden and afterwards, we could spend time down at Wilshire Hill. Spend some time looking at the moon and reminiscing."

"But I thought we were going to see Meth and his band perform--"

Splendid laughed boastfully. "Please, who spends their time at a large building full of thunderous ear-piercing screams and sweaty drummers and guitar players? We can always see his concert some other time. Right now…I just want to be with you."

"Oh, Splendid…" said Perfect, hugging him once again.

"Come on, let's go. Don't want to miss the movie!"

Perfect was about to fly up into the sky, but Splendid stopped her at the last second, blocking her path.

"Uh, maybe we should just walk. It is a beautiful night and all."

Perfect shrugged. "If you say so."

And so, the two heroic squirrels began to walk down the street as they continued to talk to each other…unaware that someone was lurking in the bushes next to Perfect's house. The bushes rustled loudly and muffled mischievous cackles were erupting from the insides of it. After Splendid and Perfect disappeared beyond the area, two green raccoons emerged from the shrubs, popping up like they were from a Whack-a-Mole game. It was Lifty & Shifty, and by the looks of it, they were about to cause another web of chaos.

"Aw, look at the little love squirrels!" laughed Lifty.

"I didn't know the two heroes were dating each other."

"HA HA! All the better for us! They'll be too distracted to even figure out that we'll be robbing museums all night long!"

"But what happens when Splendid's date ends and he hears someone screaming? What's gonna happen then?"

"That's why we have Kryptonut!" said Lifty, opening a box revealing a glowing green acorn.

"I've done some research and found out that not only is Kryptonut Splendid's weakness, but we can also extract the serum from--"

"Nuts don't carry serum genius."

"Shut up. We can extract vials or whatever from the nut with a syringe and put it inside stuff."

"So?"

"If we wanna make this date last longer than it should, all we gotta do is 'slow him down' if you know what I mean."

"Meaning?"

Lifty sighed. "We extract the juices from the acorn, inject it into Splendid's dinner, and go stand back a few feet to avoid getting vomit all over us."

"Oh, and we can switch his cheese with Limburger cheese!"

"Why?"

"Think about it Lifty! No one's gonna date you if your breath reeks of stinky cheese."

"That's true. Remember that time I sabotaged your date when I put Blue cheese on your hamburger when you weren't looking?!"

Lifty growled at Shifty. "Please don't remind me…"

Splendid and Perfect were waiting in line to see a movie similar to Friday the 13th, but in animal version and rumored to be much scarier. It was also very popular; the couple noticed a few blown up tents residing near the entrance. Some of the people must've camped out overnight.

"Man I can't wait to see Saturday the 15th!"

"Didn't this movie make a baby bear cry until he passed out?"

"Honey, the father of the cub was Pop; he's retarded."

"Oh."

"And besides, you know how lame the last Friday the 13th was?"

"I know! It was so stupid!"

"The only thing good about it was the part where that one dude got impaled with an arrow out of nowhere."

"Yeah, it wasn't all that great. It started to get repetitive anyway. Just another teenage horror flick where you know the only black guy and the only Asian guy is gonna get stabbed."

Splendid and Perfect sighed heavily, exhaling their frost breath into the air and freezing off the hair of a bear.

"What the hell?!"

Splendid and Perfect looked away, whistling casually like they didn't know anything. Just then, some cat wearing a blue shirt and had white fur brushed shoved Perfect down and brushed Splendid aside, muttering, "Get the fuck out my way!" and cutting in front of them.

"You okay?" asked Splendid, helping his girlfriend back up.

Perfect shook her head and began to rub her scalp. "Yeah, that jerk knocked me down and I hit my head on the wall. I am gonna kick that guy's ass!"

"I'll handle it. Just stay in line." said Splendid, walking over to the cat who shoved her down.

"Excuse me! Yo, you got a second buddy!" said Splendid, tapping the cat on the shoulder.

The cat snarled and looked over his shoulder. "What the fuck do you want?"

"You see that pink squirrel over there? The one that you just knocked over like a immodest rhino?"

The cat scoffed. "What about the bitch?"

"That's my girlfriend, who I'm seriously considering to marry very soon. We're on a date right now and I don't want anything to go wrong and right now, you're messing that up. So why don't you go walk over there and apologize, hmm? It'll make this situation a lot less aggravating."

"…No, I don't think I'm gonna do that."

Splendid chuckled. "It's not hard; just walk over to her and say you're sorry."

"Why?"

"I'm not asking again. You say you're sorry, or this isn't going to end well for you."

The cat chuckled in an arrogant tone.

"What are you gonna do? There's no way in hell a little heart-nosed flying squirrel is gonna kick my ass from here--"

"Got your nose."

"What?"

Splendid grabbed the cat's nose and ripped it off like paper in less than a second. Then Splendid grabbed the cat by its arm and twisted it around his back, snapping a few joints out of place. He then pinned him to the ground.

"It's okay! It's fine people; I'm a superhero! Everything's okay!" said Splendid, trying to calm down the onlookers.

"Now you are gonna get your ass up, walk over to my girlfriend, and say you're sorry. Or else I'm gonna break your arm and every other bone in your body. You are not going to ruin my date! Do you understand?" said Splendid, in a gruff tone.

Splendid raised the cat up and walked him over to his girlfriend.

"So say you're sorry."

The cat merely stood there with bated breath, eyeballing Perfect like nothing. Splendid snapped a few more bones out of place and the cat scream horribly.

"Say it!"

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry I pushed you down okay?! I'm sorry!"

"Thank you." said Splendid, shoving the cat back down.

Splendid and Perfect were sitting in the theatre watching the movie next to a few other animals. Unlike the outside of the theatre, no one was bothering them at all and there wasn't any disturbance in the area. No one was crying or screaming behind their backs; no one was kicking on the back of the movie seats. More importantly, no one was resting their feet on the top of their chairs. It isn't noticeable, but when you're sitting in front of a person like Spiky and he decides to rest his grimy toes right above you, you're gonna notice this…cheesy fungi-smelling odor sift through the air.

Right now, nothing was happening except for the couple watching the movie, drinking soda here and there and eating a handful of popcorn after a few minutes. The movie, like the previous one, wasn't as scary as they thought, but it sure was graphic. It's not everyday where you see some maniac ripping out a guy's brains without even cutting off his scalp…

Two hours later…

"So how'd you like the movie? Would you say it was per--awesome?"

Splendid was about to make a dry pun about her name, but quickly stopped himself and switched his words.

"I wouldn't say awesome, but it was a pretty good movie. It was better than the last one; that's for sure!"

"Yeah. So who wants Olive Garden?" asked Splendid, holding up a few coupons.

"I DO!!" shouted Perfect, hopping up and down with joy.

Lifty and Shifty were standing behind Olive Garden, laughing mischievously while trying to acquire a set of disguises.

"Maybe we should go in as a couple of chefs. I'd make a good cook!"

"Shut up Lifty. We're going in as maintenance raccoons."

"This is a restaurant! It wouldn't be accurate if we walk in as sweaty plumbers!"

"Yes it would! People get food poisoning and diarrhea; they have to mess up the toilets sometimes."

"But can't we--"

The raccoons heard a loud crash from inside, probably a broken plate.

"GODDAMNIT!! AUGH!!" shouted someone from the kitchen.

Lifty and Shifty peered through an open window and saw Nappy staring at the ground holding his head. Apparently, he just dropped an expensive piece of china and was pretty sure that his boss would return very soon.

"Damnit, if my boss sees what I did with his fine china, I'll get fired for sure!"

Nappy snapped his fingers and looked down at a plate full of cheese.

"I got it! I'll use this cheese to glue the plate back together! It'll be like brand new!" said Nappy, grabbing the cheese and broken plate pieces.

Nappy went into one of the nearby bathrooms and Lifty and Shifty jumped through a window, landing right inside of the kitchen. The twins laughed mischievously again and examined a plate that had a card with the name Splendid written on it. Splendid ordered a T-bone steak with soda…and cheese on the side. But all the cheese was gone now thanks to Nappy, so their plan could work perfectly.

"Okay, let's make this simple: We extract the compound from the Kryptonut and inject the steak with it. Then we'll see just how lovely their date will be after this all-star superhero is vomiting up his lung!" said Lifty.

"And I get to replace the cheese!" said Shifty, holding up the Limburger cheese while smiling widely.

"Is that why you smell like feet?"

"Yes. That is why I smell like feet." said Shifty, flatly.

Lifty took out a syringe and carefully inserted it into the glowing green acorn, extracting some of the harmful radiation in the process. Then he looked left and right and placed the syringe into the beef, injecting the tasty meal with the poison. Lifty was very careful that he didn't extract too much, otherwise he would've made a Kryptosteak and it would glow just like a Kryptonut. But it was only a tiny extraction, so no suspicion would be aroused.

"You think Splendid is gonna notice something's wrong when he realizes his cheese smells like feet?" asked Shifty, placing sliced pieces of Limburger on the plate.

"He ordered sharp cheddar. That type of cheese already has a…unique smell to it." said Lifty.

"No it doesn't."

"Yes it does."

"No it doesn't."

"Yes it does."

"No it doesn't."

"Yes it does."

"No it doesn't."

"Yes it does."

Shifty held a knife up to Lifty's neck and said, "No, it doesn't."

"Okay, it doesn't; let's go."

The twins jumped back out the window and ran away from the restaurant, just in time for Nappy for appear with a half-broken plate.

"There! Good as new!"

In Nappy's perspective, that is. The plate still had noticeable cracks that were now covered with cheese, oozing their way out onto the floor. Yet if someone dropped the plate onto hard concrete from 20 feet in the air, it wouldn't even crack. Not matter how unorthodox and crazy his methods of repairing things seemed, they worked more than half the time.

"Hey, someone already replaced the missing cheese for me. Guess I'll just deliver the order to the customer…" said Nappy, taking the plate.

Back in the dining area, a bunch of animals were talking to each other whilst eating delicious and exotic meals, some of which were imported from Italy and Asia. Splendid was sitting across from his date, reminiscing with her once again and flirting with her. Then Nappy arrived and served Splendid and Perfect their meal. Perfect ordered a large salad with chicken bits inside of it and Splendid ordered the steak and cheese.

"You sure you don't want to change your order Splendid? I thought since we were going to Olive Garden you'd order something more family oriented."

"I don't know about you, but I ate steak with my family at least twice a week when I was growing up."

Perfect cocked an eyebrow. "You ate steak with cheese? Stinky cheese?"

"Sharp cheddar does not stink! It smells wonderful! See, watch."

Splendid picked up a slice of creamy smooth cheese and stroke it across his nose, sniffing it deeply.

"See? It smells--"

Splendid started coughing and gagging like he was choking on a giant coconut, unable to breathe. He stopped coughing for a few seconds and started to catch his breath, inhaling and exhaling deeply.

"See? It smells great!"

"So eat it."

"What?"

"Eat it."

"…Okay."

Splendid put the cheese into his mouth and chewed on it slowly, admiring its creamy soft texture and the flavor of it slapping on his uvula. Splendid didn't even mind the bad smell of it; whatever this kind of cheese was, it tasted great. He swallowed the cheese with glee and sighed happily.

"You see? It tastes great! Granted it is a tad bit…aromatic tonight, but you can't beat the taste of cheddar!" said Splendid, placing another slice on his tongue.

Perfect shrugged and continued to eat her salad while Splendid started to work on his steak, cutting a large chunk of it with his knife and fork. It's too bad Splendid didn't have a nose strong enough to detect to gnat sized stale odor of Kryptonut, otherwise he would've vaporized the whole meal right then and there. But then again, it was a pretty damn good steak; he'd probably eat it regardless.

About an hour after the dinner, Splendid and Perfect went to Wilshire Hill and sat at the peak of the grassy dunes, gazing up into the stars and making out with each other after ten minutes.

"You sure you don't want to make out again?" asked Splendid, in a lustful voice.

"Funny thing Splendid, but everytime you start kissing me, this intense smell of feet enters my nostrils..."

"Really???"

Splendid turned over and quietly exhaled into his hand, sniffing his breath once again. Only this time, he was shocked that it reeked of smelly cheese and feet. Splendid dug into his pocket to take out his breath spray, but as he did, his fingers slipped and the container rolled down the hill, splashing as it landed in a sewer drain.

"Son of a bitch!" whispered Splendid.

(Ah, well. It's just a little cheese on my breath. No biggie, right?) thought Splendid.

Splendid and Perfect sat up and overlooked the village, pondering deeply about the future. Splendid put her hand behind Perfect's shoulders and back and slowly dragged her towards him. He was about to pop the question.

"Perfect…"

"Yeah?"

Splendid sighed and shut his eyes, digging into his pockets to retrieve the ring. He opened his mouth again to respond, but something shot up into his throat and almost came out of his mouth. The Kryptonut was taking its effect. Splendid gulped the vomit back down and sighed heavily to contain himself.

"What is it?"

"Uh…I was gonna ask--"

The vomit shot back up and before Splendid could do anything, he held his mouth and flew over to the forest and threw his head behind a shrub so he could vomit. And he wasn't even sure why it was happening. All he knew was that sour acids and digested food was spewing out his mouth like a faucet and he was beginning to get sick. Nevertheless, nothing was going to get in the way of his goal so he walked back to Perfect, still feeling nauseous.

"I was gonna ask--"

Splendid retched inside his mouth and his stomach churned. Luckily, Perfect didn't notice.

"You wanna go back to your home?"

Splendid and Perfect were sitting on Perfect's couch watching television while Splendid was breathing slowly, trying to keep the vomit down.

"So…maybe we should stop talking and get a little more…intimate." suggested Perfect.

"I'm one for sexual intercourse--really I am--but perhaps we should just relax for the rest of the night."

Perfect planted her hand on his chest and gradually moved down until she was touching his crotch region. She smiled widely.

"Now you can't tell me this isn't giving you a hard-on…"

(Don't think about throwing up, don't think about throwing up, don't think about throwing up…damnit, you're thinking about it!!) thought Splendid.

Splendid swallowed his vomit again and sighed heavily, feeling a lot better.

(Okay…I think it passed. It was just a spur of the moment, that's all.)

"Before we do the whole sex thing, let me get this out of way."

Splendid's stomach growled loudly and he groaned once again.

"You alright Splendid?"

"Yep. It's just indigestion babe."

Splendid opened his mouth again, but his eyes suddenly grew wide when he unknowingly passed gas right in front of Perfect, compelling her to raise an eyebrow.

"What the hell was that?"

"A balloon! That was-that was just a balloon!"

(Damnit Splendid just say it!)

"Okay, let me make this simple: I've wanted to ask you something--something for a very long time but my stomach is acting up for some reason and it is getting in the way of that, so I'm just gonna go ahead and say it. I'm gonna ask right now, right at this very moment. At the time of ten twenty-seven, I am going to ask this question. I'm gonna ask it right now."

"Jesus Christ, what's the damn question?!" asked Perfect, suddenly getting irritated.

Splendid inhaled sharply and opened his mouth. Just as he was about to pop the question, something that felt like an anvil hit his bowels and slowly traveled to his rectum. Splendid's stomach churned with a grotesque sound and Splendid bent over holding his torso with his legs shaking. Splendid looked up and Perfect and asked the question.

"Where's your bathroom?"

Splendid rushed into Perfect's latrine and locked the door, gazing at the toilet with weak knees. He ran over to the toilet and sat down, panting like crazy. That's when the shit began to hit the fan…or the inside of the toilet bowl. Splendid was farting and defecating like crazy, panting and groaning with massive abdominal pain. It'd stop for about a second or two, but his stomach would rumble again and the next thing he knew, crap was flying out his ass. It was like he was constipated, but he was still pooping regardless so the excrement was pressing against his anal sphincter. It felt like his bowels were getting crushed.

"Splendid, are you okay?" asked Perfect, knocking on the door.

"Just--ERGH!!!--just fine honey."

Splendid stopped pooping after a while and sighed with relief, holding his stomach.

"Okay…I think it's all gone. I think--"

Splendid opened his mouth and started vomiting all over the floor. Due to his powerful vomit, some of the material shot up from the rug and slammed into the mirror, making a giant mess. Even worse, Splendid had to use the bathroom again and he began to fart and crap all over the toilet once again. Splendid was groaning loudly while holding his stomach until he began to vomit all over the bathroom again, shattering the mirror and cracking the wall. It was the worse feeling in the world; vomiting and taking a huge dump at the same time. But that wasn't the worst part. See, Splendid held in a large accumulation of his throw up and somehow, it all rushed down to his bowels and instantly transformed into more crap, so when all of it shot out his anus, it splashed and splattered all over Splendid and the bathroom. He opened his mouth to scream, but there was vomit in it, so he began to throw up…again.

Anyways, after vomiting and defecating for a solid five…twenty minutes, he was done. Splendid was sitting on the toilet, whimpering and sighing at the same time. He wasn't sure what happened, but he had a feeling his bowels were ruptured and his throat was deteriorating from the acid. Then again, he was a superhero so maybe he was fine. Although his girlfriend was gonna be pissed…

"Okay…it's all gone. I'm…fine." sighed Splendid.

Splendid got off the toilet, slipping on the vomit in the process, and turned around to look inside the toilet, amazed it hadn't overflowed yet.

"Wow, I should eat more bran…" said Splendid.

He planted his finger on the flush lever and watched as the toilet flushed, sighing and falling to the floor. Sure, he ruined his girlfriend's bathroom, but all he had to do now was go ask Perfect to marry her. At this point, he didn't care if his breath smelled like feet or if he was covered in vomit. If his girlfriend truly loved him, she'd say yes regardless. …And then kick his ass for fucking up her bathroom. Suddenly, the toilet began to gurgle and shake.

"What the hell?"

All the toilet water and crap shot out of the toilet like a faucet on its highest setting or a fountain in a national park. Unfortunately, it was showering Perfect's bathroom with smelly water filled with fecal matter, instead of crisp, clean H2O. Splendid screamed and fanatically looked around the bathroom, panting.

"Perfect's gonna kill me!"

Splendid zapped his laser vision at the toilet to boil the water, but instead of boiling it, he only made it hotter and accidentally broke the toilet completely, shooting water from the toilet pipe system into the air as well. Splendid tried to cease the water by blocking it with his hands, but the water simply shot around him and the floor. Splendid shouted in disgust and backed away, slipping on all the vomit and poop. The door suddenly burst open and Perfect revealed herself, gasping and holding her head as she saw the muck. Splendid got back up and turned around, surprised to find Perfect staring at him. He shut his eyes and smiled while scratching the back of his head.

"Heh heh…little accident…"

Splendid was resting in the hospital, watching TV while laying on one of the hospital beds. After Perfect kicked him out of her house and he walked home, he passed out due to the Kryptonut poison. A bystander found him lying on the street and called 911. Sadly, Splendid never found the time to propose to Perfect, but he always had the chance to try again. But it wasn't going to be today or tomorrow or the next week…or the next month. Perfect was really pissed at Splendid and even though he offered to clean up the mess with her, she didn't accept because she thought more diarrhea would just fly out his ass while they were mopping. Splendid weakly lifted a remote and changed the channel to the local news. It was a good thing Splendid didn't take Perfect to Meth's concert. Apparently, two people died; one died in a "bizarre" accident and another was mauled to death right above the stage. No one heard anything due to the loud music and there weren't any witnesses. Also, a local museum had been robbed of all its paintings and jewels and there are currently no leads.

If Splendid was there and not at Wilshire Hill, maybe he would've heard the screams…