U-Haul in My Ass
Flippy was walking down a lonely road shadowed by several trees and bushes. There was no one around him and the area was completely serene and quiet. Flippy heard nothing besides the birds chirping and flapping their wings. The green bear had tunnel vision as his soles slapped against the concrete, wondering what was at the end. Perhaps Flippy was heading for peace and tranquility. Perhaps he was heading for eternal damnation, retarding his fate by trying to save as many people as he could. All Flippy knew was that his mind was cluttered with mind-boggling phrases and events and he had no way of dealing with them. Flippy was tired of doing this, tired of dealing with his schizophrenia and all these visions of death and despair, especially if it wound up being all for nothing. Flippy even thought about offing himself just to save the others. Perhaps he could break the chain by hanging himself right now or jumping off a building. But as always, that inner voice inside Flippy's skull wouldn't let him quit…and he was cursed to continue this "adventure" until he saw it through to the end.
A leaf fluttered from its branch and fell on the ground, landing at Flippy's feet. He looked down at the green plant for a while until the wind blew it away into the lake. Flippy sighed and continued walking down the street until he saw the only person who could relate to him: his sister. Since Flippy had issues with controlling his inner demon as well as Eli, he figured his sister might have some sort of bond with his visions as well. Flippy turned to his right and saw Eli busy hammering something onto her garage door after it came out of socket. Flippy walked up to the ladder Eli was standing on and waited for her to stop hammering and turn around to see her beret-wearing brother looking up at her.
"It's getting close to Autumn." said Eli.
Flippy cocked an eyebrow. "What?"
Eli hopped off the ladder and stood in front of Flippy.
"Funny how after the first leaf falls the weather immediately changes and you can just sense a new atmosphere hanging around you."
"…Are you talking about me?"
Eli didn't answer. She just turned around and walked into her garage.
"Do you ever just wonder about our parents? I-I know you have a vivid recollection of them, but have you ever just tried thinking about something they never told us?"
"Eli our parents died when we were still cubs. How could I possibly remember any of that?"
"I don't know. I just pictured Mom having these weird visions of signs about the future that came true…and she couldn't do anything about it."
"Are you worried about me?"
"No. I'm worried for both of us. Ever since you came back from that war we barely even see each other anymore. The moment I heard about your premonition about the bridge and the moment I saw that man die, I felt what you felt. Before he even died, I felt this…chill behind me and I just knew that something bad was going to happen. I know right now that you know something bad will happen because I can still feel you."
"Eli…"
"What?"
"You feel me because you're grabbing my arm."
"But I can still feel you."
"Right...because you're grabbing my other arm."
"Shut up; I'm trying to make a point here. We both share this bond that will help us get past this epidemic alive and the only way we can beat whatever this force is, is by teaming up and working together."
"I don't understand what you're so worried about. You weren't even on that bridge."
"…I was on that train that crashed…"
"But you didn't—"
"Splendid rescued me. I-I thought you spotted me in that huge crowd but I guess not."
"But I didn't see you at the police station for interrogation!!"
"Flippy, I'm working as a mercenary. You really think it'll look good for me if the cops find out I slit an ambassador's throat for $50,000?"
"…True, the lead investigator already suspects I have something to do with the accident."
"Exactly."
"Eli if what you're saying is true, then you're on Death's list and you're gonna die unless we do something."
"Do you have any plans in mind?"
"Yeah, I was gonna go with Meth to look at the videotapes back at the bridge, see who was where when they died."
"So let's go see 'em."
"WAIT!!" shouted Eli, grabbing Flippy on his shoulder.
"What?"
"…Is Cum-Sucker the right nickname for me?"
Flippy shrugged. "You were a bit of a whore back in high-school so—"
Eli punched Flippy across the jaw, leaving a huge red mark.
"What the hell was that for?!"
"You just called me a Cum-Sucker!"
"But you are a Cum-Sucker!! How many times did you give Handy a blowjob—"
Eli threw herself into Flippy and started punching him in the face. The two siblings began to tussle and turn all over the ground fighting and squabbling with each other.
"Okay, freeze frame right there." said Flippy.
"Right here?"
"Yeah."
Flippy, Eli, Meth and a security guard were inside a local police station examining the security feed of the highway patrol cameras, trying to find any clue about the victims on the bridge.
"See, that's where you and your band died Meth."
"Well you already saved us, so we're fine for now."
"I told you, Death is working out of order. Out of everyone from the accident, Sherry died first."
"Was she supposed to?"
"No! Sherry died right…there, at the start of the bridge. She got crushed by a bunch of fallen girders AFTER Meth and his band were crushed by the pipe."
"Sherry's already dead though, there's nothing we can do about it now."
"Exactly what are you guys talking about?" asked the security guard.
"It's none of your concern, just keep showing more footage."
The security guard shrugged and continued to show slide after slide of footage from the bridge, despite the fact none of it was registering to Flippy at all.
"Damnit, I know someone died after Sherry…"
"You didn't see Eiden anywhere?" asked Eli.
"No, and I didn't see him in my dream either; that's the problem!"
"Just think man! Who died after Sherry? Even if it was just one millisecond, someone had to have died after Eiden and Sherry!" said Meth.
Flippy exhaled four times and grabbed the side of the table, bending over and reminiscing about the crash as thoroughly as possible with his eyes shut. Suddenly, everything went black and Flippy heard evil laughter and saw himself in front of him. He pounced onto himself and desperately tried to stab himself in the neck. The only reason he couldn't kill himself was because of a stout green rhino who charged and tripped into him. As Flippy got up, Flippy pushed the rhino off of him and growled at him, wielding his knife. The rhino shook his head and turned around, gasping when Flippy stabbed him in the stomach with his knife. Flippy knocked the rhino down and continued to move the blade down his torso until his innards were showing, and the rhino was dead.
In reality, Flippy opened his eyes and shook his head, gasping and panting for air.
"Somethin' wrong there Flipster?" asked Meth.
"Did you see cock vore?" asked the security guard.
"WHAT!?!"
"Y'know, when a cock grabs you and stuffs you inside and you get—"
"STOP TALKING!! GOD!!!" shouted Eli, stomping out the station with Meth and Flippy.
"You know, I've never really seen cock—"
"Meth, I have a knife…"
"I'll shut up."
"While I try to burn the vision of cock vore out of my mind, what did you see Flippy?"
"I was…I jumped out of a portal and tried to kill myself. Then this huge rhino charged into me and I wound up cutting his stomach open."
Flippy snapped his fingers and swore. "Fuck. Fally's next."
"That really big clumsy rhino?"
"Yes! First Meth and his band died, then Sherry, then Fally."
"What about Eiden?"
"I don't know Eli! I didn't see him on the bridge! Why are you so focused on him anyway?"
"Because there might've been others that died you didn't see who got off the bridge!"
"Until I figure it out, we just have to find Fally…"
Flippy's voice began to trail off and he stopped talking.
"What?"
"You gotta leave me here."
"Why?" asked Meth.
"Cause in my dream…I kill Fally."
"But because you know you're going to kill him—"
"That doesn't matter; my inner demon killed him. If I flip out when I'm next to him—"
"If you flip out, I'll just whack you in the head with my guitar like the time you cut my strings."
"You're not gonna whack me in the head."
Meth acquired a guitar from nowhere and bashed it upside Flippy's head, breaking it and rendering the bear unconscious. Eli raised an eyebrow and looked at Meth.
"Where'd that guitar come from?"
"Does that really matter now?"
Lumpy was busy bolting a car to the back of a U-Haul van with Handy standing next to him, frantically looking at the sky and shuddering. Lumpy dropped a wrench and scratched his head, looking at the car that was suspended on the dolly.
"Hey Handy, where does this bolt go?"
"Just uh…just put it in that hole." said Handy softly.
"You mean this hole right—"
"Yeah, yeah, just stick it in there and screw it in."
Lumpy looked at the dolly and shrugged, before sticking the bolt into his right ear. The moose groaned slightly, but then took a screwdriver and began to screw the bolt tighter and tighter into his ear, muttering "Ow." and wincing in pain a little bit. It wasn't until Lumpy heard a loud pop that he stopped screwing and dropped the screwdriver.
"…Kay, I'm done!"
Handy wasn't witnessing any of this because he was still looking into the sky, trying to avoid any falling air conditioning units.
"Yo Handy! I'm done!!"
"What? Oh, great. Um, uh…get in the truck and we'll drive to the um…destination."
Handy began to notice Lumpy's dripping ear and pointed his stub at him.
"Is that blood coming out your ear?"
Lumpy pushed his finger into his ear and looked at how red it was. Naturally, he stuck the finger in his mouth and tasted it to see what it was.
"Nope. Just really, really bland watery ketchup."
"…Why is ketchup in your ear?"
"There isn't ketchup in my ear."
"Then why is your ear red?!"
"My ear isn't red."
"THEN WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE TALKIN' ABOUT?!?!?"
"…You got bird shit on your hard hat." said Lumpy, randomly.
Handy somehow managed to slide his hat off his head and groaned when he saw a bunch of gooey green and white colored stains all over it.
"Why would you suddenly—Fuck it. I'm not gonna argue with someone whose I.Q. is less than 60. Just get in the truck Lumpy."
The moose got in the passenger's seat whilst Handy hopped up and got into the driver's seat, shutting the door in an unexplainable way.
"…How come you can't open doors, but you can close them?" asked Lumpy.
"Does that really matter now?"
Handy bet down to the keys and grunted several times, trying to bite down and twist his head to start the truck.
"Handy, I could drive for you."
"I told you I need to figure this out myself! Ever since my last handyman died I've realized I need to do some of this stuff on my own!!"
"Even if it means losing your teeth?"
"I know what I'm doing. OW!! Damnit, I bit my tongue!"
Lumpy stuck his finger in Handy's mouth and put it in his mouth, tasting the blood that was spewing out his tongue.
"Hmm…you have bland watery ketchup in you too!!"
Fally was busy trying to fix up his car with his ex-girlfriend, Carrie resting alongside him. Carrie was a red cat with an orange belly and had a blue bow strapped onto her forehead. Like Eiden, Carrie was a grease monkey, loving her job as a repair engineer. Of course, she was always criticized for being feminine, but she always fended off the wolves by burning them with her blowtorch. Fally and Carrie were a really nice couple, but due to Fally's marijuana addiction, she decided to break up with him. That, and because Fally fell asleep on her several times while they were having sex. This wouldn't be all that bad, but when you have a rhino lying on top of you for eight hours who reeks of sweat and pot and clearly weighs 200 pounds more than you do, you're gonna get mad. So Carrie decided to call it off.
As usual, the couple wasn't having a great time. Carrie was trying to comfort Fally, but the stout rhino was busy smoking pot and blowing Carrie away. Since he wasn't high, he was cranky and grouchy all the time at practically everybody.
"Fally, please…I really am sorry!"
"No you're not!"
Fally inhaled twice in a swift motion and coughed out a ton of smoke, brushing his hand across his nose.
"See now that my girlfriend's dead, you can sit there and mock me because you still have a mate and I don't!!"
"Do you really think I'm that callous and narcissistic?"
"YES—"
Fally inhaled a thick joint until half of it turned into ash and blew away in the wind. The rhino opened up his mouth and coughed for a good twelve seconds, his eyes turning red.
"Yes you are! That's why you broke up with me in the first place!"
"That's not true! I broke up with you because you fell asleep on me when we banged! Do you know what it feels like to have 200 pounds of stone hanging over you?! And everytime you fell asleep, it was on the week you didn't shower!"
"I'm sorry! I'm lazy! I smoke pot all the time! Sherry never bitched about this! If I fell asleep on top of Sherry, she'd just lie there and kiss me!"
"This is exactly what I'm talking about!"
"Besides, you know damn well my girlfriend did not die a peaceful death! She didn't die after a lustful orgasm! She didn't die with a bullet to the head! She didn't die by going to sleep and not waking up! In some sick and twisted fucked up way, a goddamn hubcap was lodged in the back of her skull! So until your boyfriend dies in some weird seemingly impossible death, do not try to show shallow sympathy for me!!"
"God you're such a—"
Suddenly, Flippy, Eli, and Meth appeared panting and wheezing, out of breath.
"You're…you're in danger Fally!" said Flippy.
"Yeah, my ex is gonna bitch me to death."
"No I'm serious! You're next on Death's list!"
"Are you…fucking serious? We are still on this shit?!"
"Fally he's serious! He saw a premonition about my death and if it hadn't been for him, I'd be dead right now!" said Meth.
"So if I'm gonna die, then what's gonna happen?"
"Um…I might kill you…" said Flippy meekly.
"That's encouraging." said Carrie flatly.
"SHUT UP!!"
Fally coughed a few more times before inhaling the last bit of his joint and flicking it down a storm drain.
"Give me one good reason why I should believe any of this bullshit."
"My bro's been right about everything else! The bridge collapsing—"
"How my death would happen!"
"The order of the people who died."
"So if Flippy here is going to kill my ex-boyfriend, why did you bring him here?"
"Err…why did we bring Flippy here?" asked Meth.
"Because I'm the only one who can save you!"
"And you're gonna do that by killing me?"
"No…well maybe. I haven't thought this through yet."
Fally scoffed and turned around to work back on his car.
"Look, I don't know what other kind of B.S. is goin' on in your head, but I'm busy working here so maybe you can pester someone else. If they're lucky, maybe you'll get their girlfriend killed too." said Fally.
Carrie placed a jack underneath the car and raised it all the way, letting Fally slide under so he could fix the fuel line.
"Fally you have to listen to me—"
"I'm done talkin'. Just leave me alone."
Flippy was about to say something else when he felt an eerie chill brush across his face, practically knocking off his beret. Leaves began to blow into their faces and the war veteran knew something very bad was about to happen.
"Fally, you have to come with us!"
"I already told you: Fuck off!!"
"GODDAMNIT FALLY—"
As Flippy shouted out "Goddamnit" he pounded both of his fists onto the hood of the car. In the process, the jack snapped and the car came crashing to the ground, making Carrie yelp. Before Fally was severed in half, Eli and Meth grabbed his feet and pulled him back, saving him in the nick of time.
"WHAT THE FUCK CARRIE!! You almost crushed my head!"
"I didn't do anything! The jack just broke in half."
"Jacks just don't fall apart Carrie! How did…"
Everyone stopped yelling and looked at Flippy, who still had his fists planted on the hood. Flippy looked down and relaxed his hands, taking them off the hood and uncurling the fists.
"Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, this-this is not what it looks like…"
"See! He's telling you the truth! He just almost killed you just like in his dream!"
Fally's eyes grew wide. "Holy shit! You're right! Flippy just tried to kill me!"
Fally sighed with relief, until he realized that his best friend subconsciously tried to kill him.
"You son of a bitch! You just tried to kill me!!"
"Uh-oh." muttered Flippy.
Elsewhere, Lumpy and Handy were speeding down the road in their U-Haul truck with the dolly trailer and car behind them. Handy heard loud clattering from behind and when he looked in his side-view mirror, he noticed some chains were flailing about and bouncing on the road.
"Lumpy are you sure you put that bolt in?"
"Are you sure you have 32 teeth?"
"…I'll take that as a yes."
Unbeknown to the group, the dolly hit a bump on the road and in the process, detached from the U-Haul van. While the dolly sat on the road, lifeless and blocking traffic, many of the hooks and chains were still skidding along the road, bouncing everywhere…
Elsewhere, Fally, Flippy and Eli were fighting and bunching each other all over the sidewalk, attracting several spectators. Fally had his thick hands around the bear's neck and Eli had Fally in a choke-hold. Carrie and Meth decided not to get involved in the squabble and stood far away from them.
"And yet…he wonders why I broke up with him." sighed Carrie.
Carrie walked into the street again and slid under the car, prepping it up some more for Fally to ride. All of a sudden, the U-Haul van came speeding down the road, dragging its thick chains behind it. As Carrie was fixing the car, she felt something sharp enter her foot and looked down to see one of the hooks on the chains just jabbed itself into her foot.
"What the fu—"
Carrie shrieked when she was yanked out from underneath the car and her foot dislocated. The van and chains began to drag the cat down the street at lightning speed, grazing the skin off her back. It wasn't until Carrie screamed again that the crowd stopped staring at Fally and Flippy and turned their heads to see Carrie being dragged.
"…Where the hell's Carrie?" asked Fally, loosening his grip on Flippy.
Carrie was still screaming wildly as her skin and blood left a huge trail behind her. It felt like a blowtorch was burning her back little by little. Even worse, Carrie's tail ripped off in the confusion and went rolling down the street. Any longer and the cat's back would be completely gone, filed all the way down to the spine due to the friction. Suddenly, to Carrie's surprise, the truck sputtered and stopped next to a street sign. Carrie stopped screaming and began to cry and sob in pain, desperately trying to get back up before the truck started again. As she slowly reached for the chain in her foot, Carrie heard two honks not far away. To her horror, she cocked her head left and saw two wheels gunning for her; the U-Haul truck stopped at a four-way intersection…and the light was green. Carrie's scream was cut off as the pickup truck ran over her body, running over the legs and throat and severing Carrie into three separate parts. The truck driver wasn't fortunate either; after blood tracked on his tires, he lost control and ran straight into a stop sign. His body flew through the windshield and he cracked his skull as he flew into the pole of the sign. …Someone not even on Death's list had to die to take Fally's place, since Eli and Meth intervened.
"HEY!!! Someone spilled a bunch of ketchup on the road!" shouted Lumpy, pointing at the rear-view mirror.
Handy looked at the mirror and sighed, not paying much attention to the huge blood spill because he thought it really was ketchup.
"I'm not even gonna ask…"