It Doesn't Have To Mean That

My mother found me, having rushed upstairs after she heard the crash. The door was locked, and I was frozen, almost paralyzed, on the floor. But still , couldn't cry. I wanted to. I was automatically assuming the worst: in that moment, I honestly thought I was going to die. I thought that, at the age of just sixteen, I was going to die. I forced myself to my feet, turned off the water, and I wrapped myself in a towel. I'd opened the door, and my mother had taken one look at my face. Her face had contorted with something I didn't recognize. I feel my face, wondering is it's burned there, what I've just found. It feels expressionless. My lips aren't turned down, nor are they smiling. My brows are straight. My eyes are dry.

"Hermione," she begins, almost tentatively. "Hermione, are you alright, sweetheart? I heard a crash. Did you fall?" Did I fall? I don't remember. I remember being upright one minute, and on the floor the next.

"I suppose I must have done," I say, slowly.

"Hermione, come and sit on the bed with me." She leads me into their room, and sits me down. I don't let go of the towel I've got clutched around me. "Did you hurt yourself? Should I call a doctor? Would you like to see a doctor?"

"I've found a lump," I mumble. I barely even hear it myself. She frowns.

"Sorry, darling, I didn't quite -"

"There's a lump. In my breast. I found a lump."

She cried when she told Dad. I did not cry. I couldn't. For whatever reason, now that I was possibly facing death, I could not cry. I insisted on phoning my brother, telling him myself. He answered almost immediately. He was out, that was clear. A male voice in the background, asking who it was.

"It's my family - some member of it. Hello?"

"Danny? Danny, it's me, it's Hermione."

"Ah, it's my sister. Hello, little doll. How are you?"

"Danny, I've got news."

"Hermione? Are you alright? Are mum and dad OK?"

"Yes, Danny - mum and dad are fine. It's me Danny."

"Hermione, for Gods' sake, talk to me!"

"Is something wrong?" The male in the background asks.

"Danny, I found - there's a - I don't know quite how to say it. You see, in my - in my breast…there's a lump, Danny."

"What?"

"I found a lump in my breast." I whisper the words. I hear him start to sob. "Oh, Danny, don't cry. It might not be…it doesn't have to be…" God, I can't even say it. I can't even put into words what it might be.

"No, Hermione, not you!" He shouts suddenly. "Tell me it isn't true."

"Oh, Danny." What else is there for me to say? I can't tell him what he wants to hear, that everything will be fine, that it isn't…

"I'm coming home. Let me talk to mum."

He was as good as his word. The university gave him time, because of the fact that exams were months and months away, that the school year had only just started. And because his sister might well have… He was home within two days, having driven from Edinburgh University. He was waiting when I got back from the doctors. I had an appointment to see a specialist in London in two days time. He had cuddled me close, and both our parents had disappeared upstairs to give us some time.

"Is it…"

"It's too soon to say. But just going for the appointment…it means…it means it isn't possible to tell that it isn't…that it isn't…you know. I have to go and see a specialist, and they'll examine me, and then there'll be an ultrasound scan. Then they'll probably do a biopsy - and then, then we'll know what it is."

"I don't want you to die. I can't see my baby sister…I can't…I -" He groans and buries his head in his hands.

"Danny, we don't - we aren't - it's not definite yet. Nothing is."

"This is all wrong. I should be comforting you. Why do you have to be so calm?"

"I have to be. I can't let it out, because if I do, I'm scared I won't be able to stop."

"Maybe it would be best if you had a little cry - you always used to tell me tears were healing, do you remember?"

"I can't cry, Danny. It's almost like there's something stopping me. The only thing that's keeping me functioning is the fact that I'm not crying. I have to keep going, Danny. I have to keep functioning. I'm too scared to cry."

"Why?"

"I don't know. I feel like, that if I cry, I won't be able to stop. That if I cry, I'll shatter. I don't want to die."

"It'll be…you won't die."

"How can you possibly know that? How can you possibly be able to tell that?"

"Oh, Hermione," he says, sadly, holding me tightly. I cling to him, wondering again why the tears won't come. This would be a good time to cry. But I can't.

A/N: OK, Chapter three will go up tomorrow, and it will be longer than these two. let me know what you think of it so far, because i'd be loath to continue it if everybody hates it.