The Castle

I'm writing this in the hospital, waiting for my next treatment. Later today, I'm going to the castle with Harry, Ginny and Ron. Even though I know that now isn't the time, I still feel a little jump whenever I say or write his name. in a strange way, thinking about him is helping me overcome the tired feeling I seem to have all the time. He doesn't need to see me suffer. Mum isn't happy about me going out after this, but I've managed to persuade her to let me. I worry about how I'm going to cope though. Will I physically be able to walk around? I have to be.

When they call for me, I'm beginning to doubt my decision. I can barely get up, and I'm out of breath by the time I get to the front door. Danny takes me aside when I come back into the living room to survey me.

"Little doll, are you sure that this is a good idea? You look exhausted."

"Danny, I'll be fine, I promise. I can always come home early." He gives me a hug.

We walk very slowly up the hill to the castle. I have to stop and catch my breath a few times. I fob the others off with the excuse that I'm just not used to hills. But Ginny links up with me whilst the boys stroll ahead carrying the cooler.

"You OK, Hermione? Honestly? You're white as a sheet, you look exhausted and you seem barely able to walk above a crawl."

"Ginny, I'm fine, really. I'm just tired." She doesn't look like she believes me, but she lets it go. But she insists we have a sit down for a while before we go in. I'm grateful for the brief respite. I'm very breathless. Ginny looks alarmed.

"Hermione, are you sure you're OK?" she asks, worry coating her voice.

"I am, truly. I'm apparently shockingly unfit. I'm not used to hills." I get my breath back and get to my feet.

"Come on then. Let's go and explore." Harry and I go in front, Ginny and Ron a little way behind. I overhear them during a break in the conversation Harry is having. I can barely focus on him.

"We'll just take things slowly."

"What's wrong with her?"

"I don't know, but I'm worried Ginny, I'm really worried."

"She'll be fine. She's probably just going down with a bug." But I can hear the worry in her voice. They catch us up, and I smile. What am I trying to do?

They'll have to know soon. I can accept that. I may well lose my hair. And I can't keep pleading exhaustion or starting a bug. Soon they'll have to know. But until then, I'm going to enjoy every second of time with them that isn't blighted by cancer.

Edinburgh Castle, I admit, nearly three hours later, is beautiful. I'm still smiling. But when we lie down on the grass outside the castle to have tea, enjoying the summer heat, I can barely suppress my sigh of relief.

"If we do this again, remind me to wear walking boots," I say, kicking my trainers off and rubbing my feet. "My poor feet." Harry laughs at me, and Ginny seems less concerned. But Ron still looks askance, and I can see in his eyes that he doesn't believe I'm alright. But I eat, even though I can barely keep my eyes open at this point. Ron looks at me when we pack up to go home.

"OK, Hermione, you're getting on my back."

"Beg pardon?"

"You're exhausted. I don't care what you say. You can hardly keep your eyes open. You aren't in any fit state to walk home. So I'm going to carry you. Harry, if you walk Ginny home. Aren't you stopping over tonight?"

"That's the plan."

"Right. Tell mum I'll be home soon. Hermione, on my back. I'm not giving you a choice." I gape up at him. He looks determined. I struggle upright. Harry gives me a boost and I wrap my legs around his waist and loop my arms across his chest. We walk together until the top of my road. Harry and Ginny carry on and Ron hitches me up and walks on.

"You really didn't have to carry me home," I say softly.

"You can barely stand, let alone walk," he points out gently. "You would never have managed to walk here."

"Ron, really. I'm not an invalid."

"I know. But we're nearly at your door now. At least let me carry you up the steps. You looked so tired earlier. Fragile, even. I just wanted to -"

"OK. You can carry me up the steps," I say sleepily. I can barely hear him anymore. Everything sounds like it's coming from far away. I remember Danny answering the door. I remember Ron relinquishing his hold on me and Danny carrying me upstairs. But I don't remember him putting me to bed.

The sunlight hits me full in the face when I wake up the next day. I roll onto my back. I feel like I've been hit by a freight train. I ache. Brutally. I sit up and look at my clock. Twelve thirty. Christ. I glance back down at my pillow. I run my fingers through my hair. More strands flutter down to join the curls that are lying neatly on my pillow. Danny knocks.

"Hermione? Are you decent?" I don't answer him. He inches the door open. "Oh, Hermione," he whispers sadly. "Oh, little doll."

"Is it really bad?" I ask, not looking at anything but the hair on my pillow. "Is it really bad?"

"You should look in the mirror." I close my eyes.

"I don't want to."

"You have to," he says. I can hear from the slight tremor that he's fighting back the tears. "It'll only get harder the longer you wait. Come on. Come into the bathroom." He takes my hands and helps me up. He keeps his arm around me as he helps me to the bathroom. He gets the mirror from the shelf.

"Let me sit down first." I perch on the side of the bath. I close my eyes very tightly.

"Hermione, you have to look. Come on. Just one little look."

I cry silently as I peer at my reflection. I touch my hand to my head, looking at the girl who copies me exactly. I run my fingertips over the bald patches. There's one right on the top of my head. Every time I touch my hair, more falls, fluttering into the bath.

"Can you - Danny, can you just give me a minute? I'm going to have a shower."

The last of my hair falls out when I brush it after the shower. Danny knocks on our bedroom door a few hours later.

"Hermione? Can I come in?"

"Yes." He surveys me for a few seconds.

"I got you a present."

"A present?"

"Yep. Here," he says, holding out a sparkly carrier bag. "Well, actually, I got you a few. They're from Mum and Dad too." I take the bag and peek inside. I tip it into my lap. An assortment of brightly coloured, patterned and decorated bandanas fall into my lap. I sort them out, spreading them across the bed. I try to laugh, but it's more of a hiccupy sob. Danny looks alarmed. "I didn't mean to upset you!"

"You haven't upset me, you idiot," I mumble through my half-tears, half-laughter. I hold up one of the bandanas. "How am I supposed to wear this in polite society?" The bandana has a picture of Achmed the Dead Terrorist on it, emblazoned with 'Silence! I kill you!"

"OK, that one is strictly for the family behind closed doors. But you can wear the rest out, I made sure." I shake my head at him, half-exasperated.

"I'm bald, my completely insane big brother brought me bandanas which I may need security clearance to wear outdoors. You're mental."

"Yeah, but what you gonna do? Try one on."

"I don't even know how to put on a bandana."

"I do. Come on, pick one, pick one!"

"Kid at Christmas. That phase ringing any bells? OK, OK, I'll pick one. How about this one?" I hold out a purple bandana with blue clouds. He takes it from me.

"Stand up and turn your back to me." He puts the bandana on my forehead. "Hold that there." I reach up with my right hand, feeling the soft cotton where my hair was. I start to cry again, silently. He ties the knot at the back. "Comfy?" I nod. I peer into the mirror, through tears.

"You still look beautiful to me, little doll," he whispers softly. I take a deep breath. I turn away from the mirror and go downstairs. I pick the phone up. i dial. Ginny answers.

"Ginny?"

"Hermione? Are you feeling better? Ron said you fell asleep on his back yesterday? What's up, is it a bug?"

"No Ginny, it isn't a bug," I say softly. "It's not just a bug."

"Hermione, talk to me, for Gods sake! What's wrong?" Her voice has harshened. She sounds terrified.

"You need to come over. Ron and Harry too. I have something to tell you. I can't say it over the phone. I haven't been honest. I've been lying to you - but I want to explain. Can you come over?"

"We're on our way." I hang up. They need to know. I pray that they'll forgive me for keeping it from them.

A/N: So. How do you think the guys will react to Hermione's news? Well, that's chapter 8. Please review!