Chapter Five: Being Realistic
If it hadn't been for the weight of Murphy's arm hanging over her waist, Amy would have thought last night was a dream.
She panicked. She wondered how her hair looked or if her breath smelled bad. Then Amy became increasingly aware that her body hurt. The bruises from the attack hadn't properly healed and last night's events hadn't helped the process. Amy was too scared to move. If Murphy woke up… Would he leave? Would he stay? Is he a cuddler? She wasn't sure what to think.
Amy kept still. She realized that Murphy had spent the night. He had stayed.
Her body moved slowly in order to pull the comforter tighter around her nakedness. Murphy continued to sleep quietly. Amy could feel the surface of his scruffier chin graze her back.
She had given herself up to Murphy MacManus. In all of high school Amy Jensen had had one boyfriend – Eric – and she had never even contemplated sleeping with him.
She hadn't cried. Amy was glad for it. Her girl friends had told her the horrific tales of crying during or after sex. Some of her friends even admitted that they still cried after sex sometimes. Amy had never understood crying due to sex. The idea of sharing your body with another seemed natural.
Amy didn't want to cry. She wanted to smile and force Murphy to wake up. Would they have sex again? Or would there be that awkward conversation…
She tried not to wake him up. However, Amy longed to turn around and just stare at his sleeping face. Murphy's legs began to move underneath the bed sheets. She tried to keep calm. Amy was completely and utterly unprepared…
His lips met the still-healing wound on her back. Amy smiled as she felt his arm snake around her waist further. He pulled her closer to him and Amy could feel her back completely touching his chest.
"G'mornin," he breathed.
Amy sighed with a grin planted firmly on her face. "Good morning." She turned her head slowly to face him. Murphy had to adjust his head on the adjacent pillow to give her more room. He didn't seem to care about the factor of morning-breath. Murphy kissed her and used his hand to pull her chin closer to his.
She completely turned in bed to face him. Murphy grabbed at the comforter on her side to ensure she was warm.
The two lied quietly in bed staring at each other. Murphy played with the corner of the green comforter. "You sure do like green."
"It's my favorite color," Amy reminded.
"Mine too," Murphy agreed. He touched her cheek. "The color of your eyes."
His eyes lingered on her body. She seemed embarrassed at first but Amy allowed Murphy to continue glancing at her. His fingers began to draw imaginary lines on her shoulder. His fingertips soon trailed down her side. Murphy had always loved the delicate tan on the girl. She must have tanned properly the previous summer for she had no white, bathing suit lines. He still noticed the lighter tan near her waistline. His fingers began to trail back. Murphy's hand cupped her cheek and kissed her again – taking his time to playfully bite her lip.
Okay here goes… Amy thought. "So…" she began.
"So…" Murphy repeated. The grin on his face didn't fade away.
"I have no idea what to do or say from here," Amy admitted weakly.
Murphy leaned in to kiss her again. "Neither do I."
Amy felt Murphy's arm tug around her. She was allowed access to rest her head on his shoulder and wrap her arm around his waist. Murphy was letting out deep breaths; he had no idea what to say either.
"I hope I wasn't disappointing," Amy whispered. She had hoped that he wouldn't even hear her-
"Fuck, Amy, you are never disappointing," Murphy snapped. The change in his tone surprised Amy. He kissed her neck. "You were fuckin' great." Amy cleared her throat at the comment. "I mean…" Murphy corrected, "you were fantastic. Wonderful. Amy…" He reached for her hand. "I didn't know… well, until the time came… but you pressed me to continue…" His hand went to her chin so he could look at her. "You let me take your virginity?"
Amy rubbed her arm nervously and shifted uncomfortably in his arms. She sat up in bed, sitting Indian-style, and let her hands rest in her lap. "Yeah." She shrugged. "I was a virgin."
Murphy sat up and leaned over to touch Amy's arm. "What made me the lucky guy?" He ran his hand through the mess of hair atop his head. "I had always assumed – well, not assumed – but if it was my guess that if you weren't a virgin… I always thought that you and that boyfriend of yours-"
"Eric?" Amy blurted out. It wasn't an insane thought. Of course Murphy would have thought she was sleeping with her boyfriend of four years. Amy nodded her head in understanding. "I know… Eric and I never… he's never pushed me to…" She stared back at Murphy. "I guess I just wasn't ready with him."
"Huh," Murphy asked aloud. "I feel bad. I always hated that kid just for that reason."
Amy laughed. "Well good. Now you can just hate yourself."
"Yes, I have been a bad man."
"Not bad," Amy smiled slyly. She started to crawl over the bed, toward Murphy, with her hands opposite his waist. "In fact, you've been very good." She tilted her head down to start kissing the lines of his abdomen. Murphy let out a small sigh.
He pulled Amy further up his body. With her completely on top of him, Murphy began to run his hands through her long, brown hair. Her chin rested on his chest. Amy stared seriously at Murphy. "I don't know what's happening."
"Neither do I love."
X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.
Amy had decided the previous day to attend school. But the morning after with Murphy had caused Amy to seek some sort of counsel.
At the Joker's Card, a comic book store, Amy paced the X-Men aisle with her friend Tish. Tish was the girl that had never been accepted properly among Amy's school friends. She was the "outsider" type – didn't care for school events or even school itself, mostly associated herself with her art class friends, and tended to "weird out" the others at school. Amy had met Tish in an Art History class back in sophomore year. The two's friendship appeared to be a secretly shared bond. Tish never invited Amy to join her social circle and vice versa. The two seemed to find solace in one another's quarrelling outside appearances.
"So you lost the V-card to a guy like nine years older than you?" Tish processed the information slowly. "That's pretty fuckin' sweet."
Amy rolled her eyes. "C'mon Tish. I need some help here. I normally keep pretty focused and I know what I want to do… but right now-"
"You're fucked," Tish laughed. She started to scroll through a few comic books on the shelf. "How's he feeling about this?"
She shrugged. "Okay. Probably handling the situation better than me."
X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.
Murphy and Connor lived in a building with tenants who were also from Ireland. The other similarity they shared was that no one properly paid the bill – some of them weren't legally allowed to be there.
Connor had finished taking his shower when Murphy waltzed inside.
"Where the fuck were you?" Connor asked. He began to put on a beat-up robe.
"I see you got to leave work early," Murphy noted. He came to his bed, kicked off his shoes, and began to remove his sweater.
X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.
"So the situation basically is…" Tish thought aloud, "You're eighteen years old. Lost the V-card to an older guy. You're still with your oh-so-cute boyfriend of four years… oh, and you leave Boston in the summer for school." Tish glanced over at her friend. "Not lookin' good babe."
Amy leaned against one of the shelves. "God I'm fucked."
"Oh, yeah," Tish agreed. "Well I guess first thing's first… what about Eric?"
X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.
"So I found out about somethin' interestin'," Murphy began nervously.
Connor: "What's that?"
Murphy: "Amy never slept with that boyfriend of hers."
"Oh good," Connor laughed. He started to light a cigarette. "Now we don't have to beat the shit out o' him."
"Right," Murphy laughed. "But umm… Connor…"
"Yes brother?" Connor asked suspiciously.
X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.
"I do care for Eric," Amy sighed. "He's been great. I guess I've just been a bit overwhelmed with the whole college thing."
Tish: "Yeah, he's going to Loyola right? You two get to go to Illinois together. How fun."
"Swell confidence there," Amy said sarcastically. "You're not helping much."
"I'm still processing everything," Tish grinned. "The oh-so-perfect Amy Jensen's finally done the big bad. And it wasn't with her boyfriend. And an affair with an older man too? Like I said: Pretty fuckin' sweet."
X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.
"I'M GONNA KILL YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" Connor began to move toward Murphy quickly.
Murphy dodged the first swing. He jumped back, catching his footing, and raised his fists in defense.
"Now Connor calm down," Murphy advised. "Watch that blood pressure of yours."
Connor's face was red. He allowed his fists to fall beside him. But he didn't relax the grip.
"You mean to tell me…" Connor muttered slowly. "You fucked Amy? You…you de-flowered our little Amy?"
"De-flower?" Murphy blurted out while laughing. "Who uses tha' phrase anymore? You idiot. And little Amy? She's eighteen!"
"Just turned asshole!" Connor shouted. He approached Murphy again.
X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.
"But you like him, though, right?" Tish asked. "I've heard you talk about the guy and his brother for a few years. I don't see any harm. But come on now, you have to think realistically. After all, it's what you do best."
X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.
"You're the fuckin' idiot!" Connor snapped. He had calmed down in his intent to kill Murphy. "Wha' tha' fuck were you think', Murph? When did all this fuckin' start?"
X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.
"I just couldn't help myself after that," Amy thought back. "I was drunk. It was stupid at first. But we both wanted each other… it was obvious." She tucked her hair behind her ears. "We've been fighting with it too – separate and together – and I have no idea what's really going on in my head. Or his."
Tish flipped through a comic book as she stared at Amy. "Not the most romantic of tales. But still. Bittersweet."
"Tell me what I should do," Amy pleaded. "I don't even know where to start."
X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.
Connor sat at the edge of his bed. His face was buried in his hands and he continued to mutter curses under his breath.
"Connor," Murphy tried gently. "I need some help man. I got no idea what to do."
His twin looked up. Connor nodded slowly and said, "Too late to take it back. But I'm sure if given a second chance…" He eyed Murphy carefully. "You would have done the same thing."
"Right," Murphy nodded. "No regrets."
X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.
"I don't regret it," Amy thought dreamily. The cat-ate-the-canary look crossed her face. "He was wonderful. The whole time. He was always careful with me and asking me if I was okay. He was perfect. Always had been." Amy sat down in the aisle.
Tish copied her movement and sat beside her friend. She touched Amy's shoulder in a comforting manner.
X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.
"I can't even recall when it happened," Murphy thought aloud. "She'd always been beautiful in my eyes. But… when we kissed everything changed. I saw her differently. Her hair wasn't just hair it was… long…beautiful… the color of Hershey chocolates or somethin'. And her eyes… I've always loved green and now I can't help but lose myself in 'em… ggggreat body… sweetest smile… smart, boy, is she smart. Fun. Outgoing. But she always holds a part of herself back…" Murphy stared at his brother.
Connor was trying to hold back a laugh. "What a faggot."
X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.
"He's soo hot," Amy giggled beside Tish. "Pretty blue eyes. Small smile. But he always gets me with that. I can't help myself around him. I just look at the guy and I want to jump his bones."
X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.
Murphy threw his shoe at Connor's head.
X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.
"I think Murphy's thinkin' the same thing," Amy said slowly. "We can't help ourselves. But we're preparing for the inevitable…" She stared sadly at Tish. "I have to leave soon. That's the reality. And I am younger than him. And I do have a boyfriend. But I want him, nonetheless."
X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.
Connor rubbed his head. "Do ya love tha girl?" Murphy made no reply. Connor asked, "How ya feelin' then?"
Murphy shrugged. "I feel like I'm really going to miss her."
X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.
"I guess there is no point," Amy realized. "I've cheated on my boyfriend… I've done the thing that caused my parents to send me here. I've been stupid with my actions. And thoughts."
Tish turned around. Her eyes searched through some of the comic books and finally she grabbed one. She handed it to Amy.
The cover had X-Men's Gambit and Rogue. The characters were wrapped in a sensuous embrace.
"You're definitely Gambit and Rogue. Gambit starts to like Rogue 'cause he can't touch her. But Gambit passes all that male-heat bullshit and he actually starts to love her. Despite their feelings, the two can't be together because they can't physically touch. They want each other but the relationship can't happen." Tish watched Amy study the cover carefully.
X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.
Murphy rubbed his face in his hands. "I really do care for Amy. I do. And you know that."
"I do know that," Connor agreed.
X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.
It was near seven when Amy made her way back to McGinty's. She was looking forward to seeing Connor – and especially Murphy – for just a regular night.
But as Amy grew closer to the bar, she was surprised to see a figure emerge from the entrance.
Eric jogged toward her and crossed the street with a wide smile on his face. Amy's heart fell and she couldn't breathe normally.
He looked good. He was wearing a white sweater and a torn pair of jeans. Eric's shaggy, honey-colored hair blew against the autumn wind.
"Amy!" he called happily. He met Amy on the opposite street. "I wanted to surprise you."
"I'm surprised," Amy gasped with a fake smile. "What are you doing here?"
"Just stopped by to see you," Eric explained. "Doc said you left a note that you would be back at the bar around this time. I wanted to spend the evening with you. And he said he had no problem letting you miss another day of school-" Eric's eyes studied the cut lip and bruised forehead on his girlfriend's face. "You look better. How are you doing by the way?"
"F-f-fine," Amy stuttered.
Eric laughed. His long, slender arms wrapped around her waist. He was a foot taller than her so Amy had to tiptoe to ensure Eric didn't have to bend his back too much to lift her. "You sound like your uncle." He kissed her. At the same time, Amy had missed him yet she wanted to push him away. "So I'm taking you out for the evening." Eric rubbed his hands together. "We're going to go to dinner uptown. Then a carriage ride. Maybe a movie? And then ice cream or something. The night is yours, babe."
Amy nodded slowly. She stared back at McGinty's sign.
"Your friends will still be there when you get back," Eric ensured. "And your friends, those fraternal twins, told me to watch out for you for the evening."
There wasn't time to protest to the plan. Nor was there a proper excuse. Amy walked with Eric to his parked truck up the street. His arm was wrapped warmly around her. He talked about his schoolwork and how everyone had missed her. His voice faded in the background as Amy tried to picture Murphy saying "Watch out for her" to Eric.
X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.
It was eleven-thirty when the young couple returned. Eric insisted he walk Amy inside.
The night had been fun. For the most part. At least Eric had had fun. He didn't seem to notice Amy zoning out during dinner or her lack of interest in the carriage ride. Amy thought that Eric could have had a date with a dummy-doll and he never would have noticed.
Amy held her breath as she and Eric walked inside.
Everyone was there.
The bar was noisy and filled with the smell of alcohol and cigarette smoke. Irish folk songs played in the background.
A crowd at the bar raised their glasses as Amy and Eric walked in. Amy waved her hand nervously. She hoped Eric would just leave.
"Hey, I'll go get us a couple of drinks," Eric offered.
"Eric, I'd love to hang more… but I'm kind of tired. And my body's a bit sore again. I could use a painkiller. And after that… I'm just a mindless drone." Amy had to shout in order for Eric to hear over the noise.
"Alright," Eric agreed. His smile seemed to reach his eyes as he bent down to kiss her goodnight.
From afar, off in one of the bar's booths, Murphy sat at the edge of the vinyl seat. He was beside Connor who was playing cards with another set of men.
The blue-eyed MacManus brother caught Eric kissing Amy. He appeared to be leaving and Amy seemed in a rush to get rid of him.
When Eric had left McGinty's, Amy suddenly ran up the stairs toward the apartment.
X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.
Murphy attempted to avoid the judgmental eyes of his brother. He had excused himself from the poker game and made his way to the upstairs apartment. Doc waved his hand at dark-haired man, thinking Murphy was probably going up to escape the bar's noise.
He couldn't help but stare at the leftover blood stains from the wooden steps. Murphy, Doc, and Connor had all together cleaned and scrubbed at the floors. His slow walk reminded him of the painful image of a beaten-Amy leaning against the white tub on the bathroom floor. Murphy was also reminded of his fantasy of finding the Russians who had attacked Amy and kill them.
The thoughts had to be pushed away for the moment. Murphy wanted to see Amy. He wasn't sure what to say or what to do when he saw her.
But Murphy had to figure something out.
X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.
Amy was sitting on the floor of her bedroom. She had changed into a set of black-gray-white checkered pajama pants and a pink zip-up sweater. Her hair was tied up into a messy ponytail with a few strands dangling beside her cheeks.
She was flipping through a photo album Doc had given to her for her thirteenth birthday. Upon receiving the album, Doc had already placed a few pictures of Amy and bar-friends. The first couple of images were of Amy, as a young child, sitting atop a bar stool, with a crowd surrounding her. A young Connor and Murphy MacManus were part of the group as well. Connor and Murphy appeared in a lot of the pictures in Amy's album. The brothers weren't just in McGinty's-photos either. They had attended Amy's track meet in freshmen year – there was a picture of Amy, tired from a recent relay, with Connor and Murphy by her side. There was a picture of Amy sitting in the driver's seat of Rocco's car with Murphy sitting in the passenger seat. It was her first driving lesson. Amy was smiling while Murphy had his hands across his eyes. Amy laughed at the memory.
She flipped through a few more pages. Her eyes began to find more pictures from high school: sophomore and junior year homecomings, track meets, and award acceptances. So many of her friends were in all of the pictures, especially Eric.
Murphy peaked through the open door of Amy's bedroom. She didn't notice he was there until he knocked on the doorframe.
"Can I come in?" he asked gently.
"Aye," Amy imitated in a terrible Irish accent. "Just lookin' through a few old photos."
Murphy walked inside and took his spot beside Amy on the floor. He let his legs spread out before him and his arms were slumped in his lap.
"It's amazing to think of my childhood and upbringing," Amy thought aloud. "If my parents hadn't had their own issues… I would have grown up in California, going to a preppy, 90210-type school, and probably going to UCLA or something like that. I would have been a completely different person." The young woman continued to flip through a couple of pages. "And here I am… a girl who grew up in a bar in South Boston…" She laughed reluctantly. "Funny how things work out."
As he nodded slowly Murphy reached over for the photo album. He studied a few of the familiar memories and smiled. "I can't even believe I watched you grow up. When Connor and I came here… we just always figured we'd come to America, work, eat, drink, and be merry." His eyes turned to Amy who was staring at him softly. "You turned into this… impeccable woman over the years. And I knew it from the moment I met you. You're the girl that can do anything. The girl who can overcome any obstacle." He closed the photo album. "Regardless of where or how you grew up… I believe there is no way you could have turned out but nothin' but perfect."
Amy bit her lip as she smiled. She brought her knees close to her chest and rested her cheek against her leg.
"I'm not perfect," she sighed. "Far from it."
"No one's perfect, love." Murphy reached over to rub her knee. "But I fancy that you'r ethe closest thing to it."
Amy closed her eyes. Murphy couldn't tell if she was physically or emotionally tired. Was she tired from being out all day or was she just tired of going through the motion?
"I've dreamed about you since I was a kid," Amy admitted slowly. "I always wished I was one of those women that you would go home with. I didn't care that you would probably disappear by the time they woke up…" She opened her eyes. "And my dream came true… but something was different… you were there when I woke up." Amy lifted her head and turned to Murphy. "Of all the great memories I've had here… you were the best. But the sucky part is… you gotta wake up from a dream sometime." Amy leaned over and pressed her lips against Murphy's. He accepted fully and couldn't stop himself from wrapping his hand around her neck. Murphy could feel Amy's weight shifting – she was crawling into his lap. She straddled the man before her and Amy could feel the familiar heat increasing between herself and Murphy. Murphy opened his eyes placed his hands on Amy's hips. Her hands were still up the sleeves of his black T-shirt. "Now we just have to accept the reality of it all."
Murphy nodded. He placed his hands respectfully on Amy's thighs and bit his lip. He looked back up at Amy, whose face was still close to his, and whispered, "I only wished you were a few years older. And if the current situation wasn't so… difficult." He leaned his face closer to Amy's. "But things can't always be easy, right?"
"Guess so," Amy breathed.
She could feel herself leaning farther into Murphy. Their lips would soon touch again-
But Amy's head turned suddenly.
Connor was standing in the doorway. His mouth was parted in surprise. But due to his silence, Amy realized that he had been made aware of everything.
"Sorry to interrupt," Connor finally said. "But Amy, love… your parents are downstairs."
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Author's Note: I wish I could do a few shout-outs – but thanks to everyone for reviewing! All your comments help! Please comment more! I hope everyone has a great holiday and Thanksgiving!