Continuing from the other notes I left in the other chapter, I apologize for le- [charred ashes is what remains of the page. Imprinted on the surviving parts of the paper, in red ink, is the eye of XANA].
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Emotions II- Envy
You think I have it easy, being the daughter of the principal at school. You think I could have anything I want, with a snap of a finger I could achieve anything just by complaining to my father. I don't have it easy; in fact, everything here is difficult where I am standing. Someone told me the grass was once greener on the other side. I cannot graze to the other side, as there is always someone or something to block my path, even as I beg and plead for be on the other side and watch the sun rise and set on that side, but there is no change I will be given that soon.
Green is the color of envy, and that is how I'm feeling. That boy, Ulrich Stern, is the source of where my envy comes from, as that Ishiyama girl always steals him away from me. For me, Ulrich is the greener pasture, and to enter the greener pasture, I tried to become his friend, only for him to push me off and dismiss my concerns most of the time. I tried to be nice to him, but he ignores me, so that is why I am cruel most of the time. I am cruel because I envy everyone for having lives much simpler than mine.
They would never hope to understand what it is like to be a principal's daughter. Even though I can have basically anything with one of my whines or because of my father, I cannot have love. Nobody loves a spoiled brat, or so they say. They don't know what it's liked to be constantly picked on almost every day, just because you whine constantly when things don't go your way, or because you were having a bad day because something happened to make you angry or sad.
Nobody knows the trouble I have seen, nor have they seen my sorrows. They have not seen the path that I have taken, nor do they see my footsteps in the way to becoming better behaved to everyone around me, even with the same people who insult me. I am jealous of people for how they are able to roam just about freely, to not have as much responsibilities or higher standards because their parent or parents have a job running an organization of some sort. Bitter jealousy is what everyone feels one time or another, but I feel it a lot more, perhaps even more than the usual person feels envy in years.
I'm climbing though. I'm climbing and struggling to reach the peak, where the clouds are and where I can dream freely, and I could be me. Every person I meet are the rocks I have to scale over in order to finally reach the top. Some are boulders, and some are pebbles. Some are rocks that cannot be moved or climbed over until the edges have been smoothed out a little, until they accept me as me, and they make my climb easier and support me with their firm supporting structure.
Maybe I just got lost being someone else, trying to kill the pain of being an outsider with whatever I tried to be rid of the burning sensation of being humiliated. Please, will they for one time, let me be myself, and I will show them my heart. I will show them how I really am, how caring and kind I am deep inside. It is my inner self, the self that I try to hold back in an effort to retain my image of being a tough girl, in order to impress Ulrich. I would have to be tougher than that Ishiyama girl, even if her last name name does mean 'stone mountain'.
Would my caring side bring them out and finally relieve myself of this powerful envy that I feel for other people? It could, but I refuse to let my softer side show as long as people keep on bullying me. I did let it show in smaller increments, and slowly the envy lessened until it was lower than it usually was, and people started being kinder to me. Have they seen me for who I am on the inside, and accepted me? Did they accept me because I could easily scare other s away if I wished? No, maybe not, as they were of a kinder disposition to me. The green guard finally let me in, and let me into the greener pastures, and to the brighter future of friendship and hope, instead of the envious life I lead before. You know, I might now be so jealous of that Ishiyama girl anymore… Herve seems kind of cute when you get past the whole 'Emperor Zitface' outlook.
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I do not own Code Lyoko. This was and is before and after Echoes happened, where the group accepted Sissi into their group. This is not UxS. This is the end result of listening to "Let Me Be Myself" by 3 Doors down (the song featured in some Geico vids). I even used some of their lyrics for a little help.