DO YOU REMEMBER THE NIGHTS WE MADE OUR WAY DREAMING, HOPING OF BEING SOMEONE BIG?

Their days fell into a routine. While the sun was out, Jonathan worked closely with Ali Mukhtab, preparing for his Rite of the Voice, while Alanna taught and performed her duties as a shaman. They rarely saw each other, which was perfect. It gave her the time and space she needed to properly consider his proposal. Jonathan knew this, and intentionally avoided her, but led her to believe that he just didn't have time to see her. He wanted to see her – some part of him craved seeing her. But he'd never tell her that. He had his pride.

At night, after dinner, the Prince and his former squire would sit up talking for hours, before going back to their own tents (if they were not already in them) to sleep. They did not sleep together while she considered his offer. It was an unspoken code. She was concerned it would color her judgment, and he didn't want to seem as if he were pressuring her.

Jon grew more nervous with each passing day. Every morning, he woke up hoping that would be the day Alanna said yes, and kept that hope alive until he fell asleep. Even then, she appeared in his dreams. He saw a variety of scenarios, one being her saying "no" and them getting into a massive argument, him storming out, them not speaking… If that's the outcome, he thought, I don't know what I'll do. He was fairly sure – actually, he was nearly positive – that life would go on without Alanna in it. If she said no, he would smart for a bit before finding someone else. Maybe someone better. But he loved her and she loved him. He had his doubts about her abilities to rule the country, but she was a quick learner. They had all learned that during her days as a page. They had all learned not to underestimate Alan (now Alanna. Having known about her sex for five years already, Jonathan knew that the only difference between Alan and Alanna was the name).

If Alanna was intentionally avoiding Jonathan in return, she was lying even to herself. Faithful accused her of avoiding him, but she always shrugged it off. What did Faithful really know? (A lot, but she liked lying to herself. It made life simpler.) She had serious doubts about being queen. She knew it would tie her to the country for years. She would never get her adventures. Alanna had never planned on sticking around Corus – she wanted to make a real difference, save lives, fight in duels… maybe being friends (and more) with Jonathan had complicated that, but she never really thought he would forbid her from travelling. Not even as king. He knew it was too important to her.

One evening, Jonathan and Coram went for a ride. Ostensibly, Jonathan wanted to talk to Coram, but it was really to get away from Alanna. Seeing her, but not touching her, holding her, really talking to her… it was draining on him. When they were gone, Alanna consulted Myles about what to do.

"Do you want to marry him?" Myles asked in his blunt way.

"Ye- N-" Alanna frowned. "I don't know."

"Well." Myles took a sip of brandy. "It would be wise to figure it out before you give him an answer."

Alanna sighed. "I love him, but…"

"But he's the prince," finished the knight. "And you're not sure if you can be queen."

"Exactly." She sighed again, looking at the ground. "Do I want to marry him? Yes. Do I want to be queen? No, not really."

Myles laughed. "One goes hand in hand with the other." They sat in a thoughtful silence. "If you aren't sure, tell him as much. You can usually change your mind from no, but once you've said yes…"

Alanna considered his words. "Thank you, Myles," she said, smiling at him. "You've given me a lot to think about."

"I'm not sure you need anything extra on your mind right now," he teased. They laughed, and her mind was at ease.

For the time being.

A few days later, when Jonathan stopped in to visit her before bed, she was standing to greet him. "Hello," he said with a smile. "You look… nervous." She did. She was shifting her weight from foot to foot, and her hands were behind her back, almost as if she were hiding something. Concern crossed his handsome face. "Is something wrong?"

"I have an answer for you," she told him quickly.

Jonathan perked up. "Oh?"

"You're not going to like it."

"I'm not?"

Alanna took a deep breath. "I can't marry you, Jonathan." He felt something in his stomach twist, and bile rise in his throat. Didn't she love him? Didn't she care? How could she say no? After all they'd been through? Before he could say anything, she met his sapphire eyes. "Not yet."

"Excuse me?" His voice was sharper than he'd intended, more formal.

"I've barely had my shield," she explained. "I told you before – I didn't want to fall in love. I wanted to be a warrior maiden, and go on grand adventures. I love you, Jon, you know I do. But I don't want to be tied to Corus just yet. I want my adventures. I want my time to be me. Whoever I am."

Jonathan sighed, and rubbed his temples. "What are you saying, Alanna? Speak plainly."

"I'm telling you to wait."

"To wait."

"Yes."

"How long?"

"I don't know. Until I find me. Until I have my adventure."

"So, what? We're together, but not really? We're kind of betrothed, but not really? Explain this to me, Alanna."

"Don't get angry with me."

"I'm not angry." Actually, he was. But, on some level, he understood what she was saying. "I'm confused. Are you saying no, or are you saying yes?"

"I'm saying no for now."

"I can't wait forever."

"I know." She was softer than he'd seen before. Normally, when he got this riled, she would counter him, line for line. But she seemed to have really thought this through, and had a rational approach to the whole thing. She took a step closer. "I love you, Jon," she whispered. "I want to marry you. But I've just pretended to be Alan for eight years. I was Alanna to you and George, but not really. Let me find out who this Alanna person is before I put her in front of the world."

Jonathan nodded. "Okay." He wasn't entirely okay with it, but it would suffice, for the time being. He took her hands. "I love you too, Alanna, but don't make me wait forever." He kissed her. "Because I won't." She bristled at the edge in his voice.

"What does that mean?" Her voice turned chilly.

"It means," he said, wrapping his arms around her, "that we're not getting any younger, and neither are my parents." His sapphire eyes filled with sadness. "I don't want to guilt you into anything, but I don't want to be stuck waiting around for years. I've waited a long time – we've waited a long time. I don't want to prolong this any longer than I have to."

"I know." They kissed. "Go back to Court when you're done," she told him. "Don't worry about me. Go… mingle. Flirt." A smile played on her lips. "Maybe you'll find some lady at Court more to your liking than me. And perhaps I'll find someone I like better than you." He frowned at that. "Or not." She shrugged. "We aren't bound to each other." But she knew that was a lie. She was bound to him – he had her heart, and she had his.

Jonathan sighed. "All right," he said. "I'll wait." He kissed her. "I'll mingle and flirt, as you put it." They smiled at each other. "You'll write letters?"

"Of course. As long as you write back." They embraced like old friends rather than lovers. At that moment, they were just old friends. They were going to go their separate ways, and maybe their paths wouldn't merge again as more than friends. Maybe they would.

Their lives had never been theirs to control. Jonathan was the heir – he'd known his destiny from the time he was born. Alanna was one of the Goddess's Chosen, a hard path to walk, and had made her destiny when she chose (if she really had any say in the matter) to become a knight. They did not have easy paths to travel, and their relationship had only made it harder. But both proved adept at overcoming challenges, and neither doubted this would pass, should things go sour or turn out differently.

Life is fully of maybes, and their future together was another to add to the list.

This one was a bit longer. I think I'll probably skip some time, for my own sake. Three days until responses. I get more nervous every day! I'm on my way to finishing the series again (this would be my eighth read through). I've actually got a blog all set up if you want to read it sometimes. I'll fill it with quotes, random thoughts as I procrastinate, and maybe even little ficlets I think up when I'm bored. The link's on my profile. Again, thanks for reading! And reviews are lovely. I like knowing what y'all are thinking about it! Lastly, I'm about out of lyrics, so I'll have to pick another song soon. If you have suggestions… leave it in a review, or send me a pm. Thanks again!