Another gloomy day passed. Zevran was sitting outside the king's room waiting to hear news about Diana's recovery. The mages had healed the wounds fairly easy this time, since "apparently" the wounds were not as real as her original ones. They had no idea how she was mentally...It felt like he was sitting there for hours, wouldn't be surprised if it were.

Alistair had to leave to meet Eamon and Fergus for a meeting. Updating on the situation, Zevran guessed.

As he was about to leave, the door opened and the mages came out.

"She's fine now. She needs rest and food, but I will guess she can be up and running by tomorrow if her child concedes to it, that is. Though someone should be in there for now. I will inform a servant of the situation so they will bring up food." They left and Zevran stood at the door way. The assassin saw her clearly, lying on her back. She looked like a sleeping angel. He went in and closed the door and pulled the chair in the corner towards the bed and sat down. Entwining his fingers together, he leaned on his elbows on his knees, looking at the woman he loves. She looked peaceful for once.

"You are having a daughter Diana." He whispered, feeling how hard it was to roll of that sentence.

He lightly placed his hand on top of her tummy and rubbed it very softly.

Her tummy was still flat, it was hard to imagine a life was inside there. He did at least thank the fates that if it was anyone's child, that it was Alistair's. The thought if it would have been Vaughan or the guards made Zevran's tummy twist.

"I'm sorry that I wasn't there to protect you. I should have fought, we shouldn't have stand down. Then you wouldn't have been dragged there and nothing would have happened..."
"Don't be Zev." He looked startled at her. She gave him a small smile while she sat up.

"How long have you been awake?" his cheeks turning slightly pink.

"Since you started to rub my tummy."

"Oh, I'm sorry about that, my dear."

"It's fine, really." He could see her eyes glisten.

"Someone will come up with food shortly, so you can regain your strength."
She just nodded in response.

"Well, we don't want that wonderful bosom to get smaller now do we?" He tried to laugh.

"I wish to be alone, Zevran." She whispered and turned her head away. Zevran could see she was on the verge of crying, and felt guilty. He had also been responsible for part of her suffering.

"As you wish, princess." He walked slowly out of the room, waiting for her to say something. She remained silent, and Zevran left and closed the door behind him.

--

Diana thought about the darkness she saw in her mind in the last part of the ritual. It was ancient, dark and evil. Was that her? Was that where she's becoming? The mages did not see that, and the orlesian Wardens does no longer consider her a threat. So that darkness must have been a part of her and that frighten her. Were all Grey Wardens part of something evil that they didn't know? Riordan did tell her that the Joining gauntlet did contain a drop of the previous archdemon, so maybe she is only imaging things, but she couldn't shake of that cold feeling. No Grey Warden had have children, at least what she knows of, after the joining, could it be affecting her in a way as well? She sighed for thinking such things, and she remembered what happened;

She broke down during this ritual. Her barrier she immediately put up after the rape got torn down and it got ripped to pieces. Her memory was now more fresh then ever before and she was shaking from it. She just wanted to be a good leader, she had no time to be sad, to actually go through with how she was feeling during the Blight. Also she was so ashamed, she didn't dare to talk to anyone because she would probably just start crying and she was afraid she would never stop. At least they were long gone and dead, that gave her some closure to the pain.

Just letting her mind wander back made her vomit mentally.

Don't think about it! You did such a good job at it before, and it wasn't your fault. It really wasn't! so don't...don't...the tears came. She brought her knees up to her face and cried. It was nothing she could have done about the situation and still she felt like it was her own damned fault. Diana's body was trembling from fear and shame. Fear that it could happen again, shame for had let it happen in the first place.

Stop it! It wasn't your fault! It was those bastards and theirs alone. You were the victim so don't think like that, because it wasn't your fault! Her inner voice was yelling at her.

She just saw them in front of her, the guards malice smile as they touched her body roughly when Vaughan was done with her.

"Take her boys, she's all yours. And mind you, don't go easy on her!" Vaughan's sadistic laughter felt as real now as it was then, she uncontrollably trembled, her need for air was getting bigger as she had problems actually grasping for it.
STOP IT!
She couldn't stop it, her mind shimmered with all the fresh broken up memories. She squeezed her eyes so tight in hope it would go away, it didn't. She started to scream out of anger. She wondered how loud it was since she heard rapid footsteps outside. She kept screaming and she clutched her arms together, trying to make her feel real pain now so she wouldn't have to remember the past ones. The psychical wounds were gone from the ritual but they made her remember the pain she had tried her best to ignore, more then she wanted to. The door blew open and she felt someone touching her.

"NO! DON'T TOUCH ME! DON'T!" She couldn't see her attacker, but every touch it made was burning through her skin like fire.
It tried speaking to her, she couldn't hear the words. She kept fighting, while crying. "NO! YOU WILL NEVER TOUCH ME AGAIN! GET OFF ME!" This time she would fight until the end, no one will ever touch her like they did. She rather die then relive the hell she was put through.

The attacker didn't give up, when she tried to see who it was, she only saw Vaughan in front of her. Her heart pounded so hard, that she couldn't breathe.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Not again, not him. She was so scared and ashamed, and she tried hitting him for making her feel worth less then anything in the world.
"TRY TO RAPE ME AGAIN AND I WILL GUT YOU LIKE A PIG! DON'T YOU EVER TOUCH ME AGAIN. YOU FUCKING DISGUSTING MAN!"

He spoke to her and smiled mischievously at her, no sound escaped his fiendish lips.
Diana shivered through her entire core, and with renewed anger, she got more strength to fend of her attacker. She squirmed violently under him, and she managed to punch him in the face. She screamed more when he didn't get off her.
Diana was covered in her own sweat from fear and she could feel it mix with her tears, and her vision started to get more dizzy and she became weaker.

NO! NOT EVER AGAIN! NO!

He was stronger and he said something again that she couldn't hear. She opened her eyes and stared into his black eyes.
"YOU WON'T HA-" Her voice broke as she felt hot liquid being put in her mouth. He had put a bottle against her lips, while trying to hold her in place. She felt weaker by the second and within seconds she couldn't move her body anymore.

She couldn't yell anymore, and with her stupidly weak and crying voice;
"You result in potions now to get to have sex with a numb fish huh?"

He didn't say anything, but got of her and sat next to her.
"Go away! Please, Don't do this again..please.." She whimpered. He turned his disgusting face towards her, and he looked sad.

What?

She blinked her eyes, and saw his shape changing. The black eyes turned light brown, and his reddish back slick hair changed to hazel color. She closed her eyes, trying to catch her breath, and opened them again. She couldn't believe it. It was Alistair.

She gasped and shut her mouth with her hand as more tears dripped of her cheeks.

"Alistair..."

He smiled as he realized she was back to normal.

"Hey Diana..."
She realized that it had been him all this time.

"I'm so sorry..."

"Don't! Really, don't be. I never wanted to talk to you about this seeming like you just wanted to hit me when I was near you during that time, also we had a big fight, and I left you. I never asked how you were after...I should be sorry. I never realized that you were...that's what I get,' He sighed and continued, 'selfish Alistair only think about himself and his duty so he forgets all about the one he should been caring about." His eyes were filled with tears.

Diana sat in silence, she reached out and touch Alistair's shoulder.
"You don't have to apologize." She whispered. He turned and looked at her with pity in his eyes.

"Stupid question incoming. How are you?"
"I don't know." She said truthfully. She couldn't put a finger to her feelings running through her.

"I guess that potion was supposed to calm me?"
"Yes, the mages put some on the bookshelf in case this would happen and they would not be there."

"Smart mages." She smiled.

"I'm tired Alistair. Tired of crying all the time, tired of being miserable, tired on feeling dependent other people." She didn't know that slipped out until it was to late.

"Well, you have been put through a lot during such a short periods. It is only normal."

"I guess." She looked down on her hands.

He cupped her cheek and looked in her eyes.

"Don't consider yourself weak because you are not. You are one hell of a woman."
"heh..really? I don't feel like one hell of woman. I'm weak and pathetic, and always crying. I can't ev-" He cut across her and wiped her eyes from the dampness.

"You listen to me. Everyone makes mistakes. You made hard choices and you lived them through. You didn't care if someone disagreed with you because of their moral, including me. You are a strong leader. The one we needed to survive the Blight." He grabbed her hands and leaned closer to her;

"When I say that I love you, it's not because I want you, or because I can't have you. I fell in love with a strong and a amazing woman, just because of who you are. I fell in love with you because you pushed me to become a stronger individual. I fell in love with your kindness that you showed to people in need. Don't ever doubt what you are. You are not weak and pathetic. You have been through more then you should have and you still remained strong. You need to get this out, its only normal but don't ever say that you are something negative because you are not."

She just stared at him and hugged him.

He hug her back, and caressed her head with one hand.

It felt like they sat there forever, Diana couldn't care less. They were just holding each other, she felt so protected in his arms, as she snuggled up closer and laid her head on his shoulder.

"The past always catches up with you, huh?" She said trying to laugh.

"Well, yeh. I think I'm the living proof of that one." Embracing her more tightly. When they pulled away, he kissed her on the forehead and stood up.

"You need some rest for now. Will you join me for dinner?"
She nodded.

"Great, and before I forget' he handed her a note, 'It's from the Wardens. I will see you soon." And he left the room, giving her a smile before closing the door.

Even if the past had caught up with her, she can't remain here crying like a baby girl. She need to work this through, since she didn't when it had happen. Not only the rape and the deaths of her friends, also the fact that she had been moping since the defeat is about the pregnancy and her elven lover. Best thing to work it through is to return to normal activities.

She still has a duty as a Grey Warden to recruit new members, to scout for more threats.

She made a decision, either she can remain her depressing self, our she can actually shape up and be what she was before the Fort Drakon incident. Still, her heart won't mend just because she had chosen to not stay sad, but it was a hell of start at least.

Zevran didn't love her, and she accepted his choice, well maybe not accepted but there is nothing she could do about it, hell she even forgave him for playing her like he did. She still needed a friend, especially after...If Wynne or Leliana were here, everything would have seem so much lighter.

Take a deep breath, and don't think about that. This time she succeeded shutting off her painful memories. Probably thanks to Alistair's pep-talk. She smiled at this.
She went out of the bed and put on her loose blouse. It covered her body until the knees, and sat at the side of the window looking out over the city.

She heard the door open and saw her brother enter with a servant whom was carrying food.

"My dear little sister." He rushed and hugged her.

"Hi Fergus."

"How are you feeling? Alistair told me what those bastards did and I swear I-"
"You will do nothing, brother. They did what they had to. I would have done the same if it was reversed positions."
She gave him that look that ended the conversation.
"But-"
"Fergus, don't start please." She chuckled, at her brother's disappointed look.

"I'm glad that you are well. I talked with Alistair, well we talked after he was done shouting how unfairly they treated you and him for that matter. When he did calm down he told me the happy news that you two are engaged." He gave his sister a sinister look.

Ah, Alistair must have talked to him before going to me.

"I just wanted to congratulate and I think you did a good choice. I know you cared about that elf, but it is better this way. He can't take care of you like Ali-"
"Don't talk about Zevran like you actually know him. You don't! And yes thank you for wishing me and Alistair well but don't talk about him."

She did still love that bastard even if she had suppressed it deep within her heart. Still she didn't like when people talked about him like that.

Fergus blushed slightly and cleared his throat;
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you, you know that. Anyway I cam here to tell you that I'm returning to Highever."
Diana blinked her eyes, of course she forgot that her brother was the new teyrn.

"There is a lot of work to do, and I need to start on it as soon as possible. I'm leaving tonight, so I wanted to wish you good luck and farewell." He grinned.

"I will come back of course when my niece is born. I wouldn't want to miss that for the world." he said, patting on her knee.

They shared the food that the servant brought in and talked some more. When they were done they hugged each other good-bye and he left the room.

She went back to the bed and saw the note Alistair gave her from the Orlesian Wardens and she opened it;

Warden!
We are glad that you are well.

Your presence is needed tonight for a meeting. Meet us in the king's study after dinner.

/D

Wow, they really don't waste time do they? Dinner was soon, so she might as well start to head down, not that she was particularly hungry after her snack with her brother. She opened her wardrobe and took out a loose, long silky blue dress. She cast of her blouse and threw the dress over her head, straightened her hair and left the room.