"There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming, confusing
This lack of self-control I fear
Is never ending, controlling
I can't seem to find myself again
My walls are closing in" - Diana
That darkspawn threat was now eliminated, and they haven't heard word of an another, so the small group decided to head back to Denerim. No one spoke of what had happened, in a matter of fact they didn't talk about anything. Diana wanted to shout, to scream at the man, but she was numb, robbed of feeling anything, except the little happiness of closure knowing that her assassin, hopefully by the time they will get back, be safe. She was a selfish bastard, and that hollow feeling of people dying by her hand indirectly was piercing through her heart like a dagger without the edge, so it needed much more force to cause damage. Then it was replaced with nothingness, and she thought back to the battle and wondered. How? How could the ogre let her touch him, and then throw off Zevran with so much anger. The remembrance of the touch from the ogre was still crested in her fingertips, she recalled how it still felt through the tingling.
Everything was wrong, everything was sickening, everything was pointless. She had set out to save the people, not be the one to put an end to their existence. She recalled the nice conversation where she had yelled at David for keeping secrets about this, how she accused him of innocent lives going to waste. How much better was she now? She let it come to past, and he did what he had to. For some reason, now she could understand him, not much, but why he was so cynical, so angry and bossy and most of cautious about pretty much everything. He was right though, she is weak. Had she been that during the Blight? She made tough calls, that no one could do, and suffered greatly. That time in Redcliffe, how she had knocked Isolde unconscious, and robbed her last wish, and stabbed Connor through the heart. Back then, there was no words to describe how empty and repulsed she felt by her action. But it was the quickest way and she had a war to fight.
Now when she thought about it, it was still empty but a different kind. It was empty, since she robbed her emotions to allow to feel. Why did everything seem so much easier then? Now she had no excuse to claim that what she does is for the better. Oh, that time seems so far away, even though the Blight ended about two months ago.
Time flows by so quickly. Diana felt like an old woman being on her deathbed regretting all the bad choices made in life, and asking for forgiveness. The ironic part was that her life was not even over and she would need more then one lifetime to even being near to justify her actions. She didn't even deserve that justification. Grey Warden or no. She didn't even feel the right of bearing that title, much less "the hero of Ferelden"...which she didn't even want in the first place.
Gareth and David helped Diana to build a stretcher with the cloth and wood, so they could place Zevran there. They have waited until the next morning to head back. They reached their original camping spot in Dragon's peak late during the night, it had gone faster, when it was only them. She tried keeping a close eye on Zevran, and when they had settled and eaten, she was just by his side, clutching his hand. He hadn't made any movement, and Diana was to scared to touch his chest, since she did not know how badly he was hurt except the rib. She saw sudden movement in front of her, and David sat in front of her. They stared at each other, none of them were able to say something to the other. Diana's expression had been unchangeable since the slaughter of those women. Their screams, their pleading, the sound of the blade connecting with their flesh and rip it apart, it was all to much. This was to much. And it was not only she that felt it, since the battle, she had been feeling more nauseous then ever before, and almost fainted on several occasions. She didn't consider the reasons, for it seemed obvious. How can she become a good mother, when all she does is out of greed. How can she teach her child to be good to those in need, when she now had failed that call out of her own desire. Black dots clouded her sight, and a feeling all to familiar came. The first reaction of her body was calling out. Water gleamed and she started to cry. She didn't even care that David was sitting there, silently observing her. Her body had been aching for some kind of release and she had nothing to kill, it resorted to what is in her eyes, the weakest appearance of them all. Crying. She hang her head, pulling her knees up to her face, so her figure didn't seem all the more embarrassing. Her hand let go of Zevran's cold touch and covered her face.
"I need to ask you something." She heard David say through her sobbing.
Diana looked up and wiped away the tears. He never asked her something, he just shouted orders. And he sounded caring on top of it. He kept staring in her eyes and bit his lower lip as thinking how he would proceed with this unusual manner.
"In the fight, you seemed trapped in a trance, or however you call it, with the ogre. Why didn't you attack it, and more importantly, why did it not attack you?"
She had wondered that herself and had no answer. Everything to her was confusing.
"I don't know." She said hoarsely, taking her eyes off the man's face.
"Crawling in my skin, these wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real" - Diana
He gazed at her with puzzlement.
"Darkspawns can't, should, wouldn't do something like that without reason." He whispered, toning his words with a sharp edge.
"I know that very well. I don't know why it happened."
"Why did you act like you did?"
She shrugged her shoulders.
"I have no explanation for this, I'm sorry." She finally looked at him back. He seemed lost in his own thoughts and leaned in closer to her.
"The mages said you were clean, I wonder if they were wrong."
She opened her eyes, and shook her head. There was no way she would go through that experience again.
"I'm not going through that again." She hissed. He just shook his head and tilted it, and looked at Zevran.
"How is he?" He asked, not pressing the matter further.
"I don't know, I won't know until we arrive in Denerim." She answered and held the assassin's hand once more. He nodded in response. She wondered how he was feeling after all this, and what had happened to Joris.
"How are you?" She kept her eyes to the ground. This was the most civil conversation they had, and it would be more awkward if she looked at him.
"How do you mean?"
"With Joris and what happened." Without looking at him it was hard to know how he felt about her asking these questios. It was a silent moment and he said sternly;
"It came to past, nothing could have been done, so there is no point dwelling on the "what ifs" or "only ifs". We will march as soon as the sun will appear. I suggest you will get some sleep." And without further notice, he stood up and walked away. Diana looked how he disappeared in the shadow of his own bedroll.
"Discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me
Distracting, reacting
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection
It's haunting how I can't seem.
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
I've felt this way before
So insecure" - Diana
It didn't take long for them to start marching again, as David had said. They packed their camp very quickly and Diana got help from Gareth, carrying the assassin on his stretcher. She was worried about him and was pleased to know she would be back this day. She hoped a healer would be nearby. The rest, how she was feeling, was locked up. It had happened near dawn, the dream, that woke her up, sweating and panting. The intense pain that had gone through her stomach, like stabbing knives, and when she tried to move, the pain increased cruelly. Diana gasped for air, as it hurt to draw breath. The dream was worse then all the psychical pain she had endured. It was during the labour, when her baby entered the world it died. Nothing more or less, it died. That thought frighten her more then anything else.
"There's something inside me
That pulls beneath the surface
Consuming
Confusing what is real
This lack of self control I fear
Is never ending, controlling
I can't seem to find myself again
My walls are closing in" - Diana
The neared Denerim in the evening. The news of their arrival spread quickly throughout the capital, and the king met up with them with few of his guards not one hour later.
He hugged Diana tightly, it was hard with both their armor rubbing against each other, but she was happy to be hold again. She was close to start crying right there and then with Alistair to comfort her. His guards had helped them with their supplies and brought Zevran to safety in the guest quarters in the palace. He had called his own personal mage counsellor to check on the assassin. David and Gareth headed to their own quarters, not talking to anyone and remained there.
Diana and Alistair was sitting outside Zevran's room, talking. How he was happy that she was safe and nothing was wrong with her or their baby. She agreed, decided to not tell him what had happened during these few nights. And then they talked about the reunion with her and Zevran. Alistair had been confused to say the least, and he looked slightly hurt, but he tried his best not to show it to her. After a few more minutes of talking, the mage had appeared with news. Zevran apparently did not only have a broken rib, his lower back had gotten twisted when he hit that tree. Diana didn't understand. The healer had then looked at her, and said, that Zevran was paralyzed from his waist and down. The hit had gotten two of his vertebrae out of place. There was healing, and it could get mended in time with the right healing and training, but it would take a long time before he could walk again. Trying to ignore the shaking in her legs that was building rapidly in her entire body, she asked if he was alright beside that. He had nodded and said that Zevran was awake, and aware of his condition. He then left, leaving Alistair and Diana numb. She couldn't keep her emotions in check. It was to much, she wanted to see him, but not like this, not to cry right in front of him. Alistair held her and she cried in his arms for all it seemed an eternity.
"Crawling in my skin
These wounds, they will not heal.
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real."
AN: So yes, I don't know why but I felt the need to put in these lyrics from Crawling – Linkin Park in here. It suited well I thought with the chapter, and I'm sorry if it annoyed anyone, and haha, I said reviews keeps me going and wanting to write more and faster. Well here is the proof would you not say? ;) Fastest update yet! woopido! I get to excited sometimes, damn it, I was supposed to do laundry .