Disclaimer: In some universe, somewhere, I am the sole creator of fruits basket and hold all rights and so forth pertaining to it. But alas, it is not this universe, and this is purely a fanfiction in now way associated with anycopyrighted works

I haven't updated since November of last year. Eek.

Me: jeez, you people are stupid. I'm Akito, morons.

Sumi: oh. Sorry, Yuki.

Yuki: whatever.

Me: isn't anyone going to pay attention to me? I've just said I'm taking over the world, for My sake!

Sumi: oh. Sorry, Akito. Nobody really cares. Maybe Kureno or Shigure does, though.

Shigure: no, not particularly.

Kureno: (making out with Uo)

Sumi: so I just read Volume 19 of Fruits Basket. Wo0ts!

Me: where did that !#ing bird go? (searching)

Momiji: Happy Easter, everyone!!1!!1!!one!

(steals lapop)

Suddenly candy and chocolate and marshmallows rain from the sky, most of them bunny shaped.

Me(Momiji): yay! my favorite holiday!

Hiro: (seizes chocolate and dashes away to eat it in a secluded corner)

Rin: I feel neglected and under used.

Haru: I could un-neglect you.

Rin: back up offa mah grill, son.

Haru: …!confusion!...

Rin: er hem. No.

Ayame: I, too, feel neglected, and as if my presence has dwindled and become underwhelmed. I feel a desire to shine at all times, you know.

Me: OK, here's an idea. Everyone, in order of what cover they were on, gets to say who they are, what they're feeling, and what they wish other would do! OK? OK.

Tohru: umm…I'm Tohru. I feel blessed to be living with Kyo and Yuki and Shigure and to know so many wonderful people. I wish everyone would go on being themselves.

Me: awww. That's sweet! (cute bunny face)

Yuki: the point of this being?

Me: Yuki is a popular prince-like object who excels at everything but can't tell the girl he likes that he likes her even though we all know he really does and she likes him too. He feels angsty and pubescent, and he doesn't know why. He wishes his older brother would stop being so irritating all the time.

Yuki: excuse me just a second there!!

Me: moving on! Kyo!

Kyo: stupid bunny! (noogies painfully)

Akito: hello? Taking over the world here?

Me: Kyo is a violent, short-tempered outcast who wants to belong. He feels mostly angry, but he also feels luuuurve for Tohru-chan. He wishes he were accepted in the Sohma family, that Tohru would love him, and that Kagura would leave him alone.

Kyo: WHO'S VIOLENT AND SHORT-TEMPERED, YOU LITTLE BRAT!!

Akito: lalala, world domination…(whistles 'Early One Morning', an English folk song.)

Me: Shigure is a manipulative bastard who hides his dark self under an exterior of perversion and light-heartedness, with a few wise moments of advice thrown in. He feels great angry love for Akito, which is weird, and a desire to get everything he wants, without any work. He wishes it were easier to convince people that his outer persona was his inner one, too, and that his feelings about Akito and his life were clearer.

Shigure: 'Manipulative Bastard', hmm? Interesting…tell me, are high school girls fond of manipulative bastards?

Me: his outer self being demonstrated above.

Kagura: Me next! I'm Kagura, I'm madly in love with Kyo, I fell love for Kyo, I wish Kyo would spend more time with me and love me more.

Me: I'm happy, bouncy, love candy, bunnies, and Happy Sauce! I feel joy and joyness and happiness and love and laughter and candy, and I wish there was more candy, I could play the violin better, and I was friends with my little sister!

Hatori: oh, dear Gods above and Akito on Earth.

Me: Hatori is a beautiful angsty doctor-man who lost his true love to Akito's wrath, along with half his sight, but he will one day find love again with Great Teacher Mayuko. He feels sad and worried most of the time, for various reasons, many involving Akito. He wishes he and Kana were still together, that the curse was broken, and that people would stop getting emotionally and physically hurt, the latter of which causes problems for Ha'ri.

Hatori: Mayuko??

Me: Haru is a wonderful guy, my age, who turns into the cow. He has a black and white side. When he is white, he feels a wide range of emotions, mostly involving his love for Rin.

Akito: feh! Oh, and, that world domination thing? Still going strong, you know.

Me: When he is black, he feels anger and violence and pervertedness, still sometimes involving his love for Rin. He wishes Rin hadn't broken up with him, and that he had never been treated as stupid when he was small, and that Black-san would leave now and never come back.

Ayame: and ME! Wondrous ME! I am FABULOUS and PERFECT and EXUBERANT! I feel DEEP LOVE for my lovely younger brother, YUKI! I wish YUKI would acknowledge me more as his ONII-SAMA and that I could think of NEW more CREATIVE outifits for my wonderful little SHOP, which you should ALL VISIT!

Hiro: Momiji, you stay away from Kisa's personality, and mine! We don't want ourselves being amateurly psychoanalyzed by some crazed rabbit boy hopped up on the Q.

Me: (pouts) fiiiiine. I'll just do Ritsu then.

Ritsu: aaaahhh, NOOO, I AM SO SORRY YOU HAVE TO SUFFER THROUGH THE ETERNAL HELLFIREY TORMENT OF AMATEURLY PSYCHOANALYZING MEEEEEE! OOHHHHH NOOOOOO!! IT WAS RUDE OF ME TO CALL YOU AN AMATEUR, PLEEEAAAASSSEEE FORGIIIIVE MEEEEEE! I'M SURE YOU'RE VERY EXPERIENCED AND SKILLED AT-

Shigure: (pokes)

Ritsu: (phlumphs)

Me: hemhem. Moving on then. Rin-

Rin: (growls horsily)

Me: continuing to move on then, Kureno.

Kureno: (muffled by Uo's lips) shuptff upf

Me: I give up. Here you go, Sumi. (hands laptop)

Me(Sumi): kaaaaayyy, thanks Miji-chan.

Akito: I am wonderful! I am powerful! I dominate all! Tremble before me! Kneel down like the miniscule ant-like subterranean worm-thingies you are! My awesome might shall devastate your countries and your continents! Your waters shall be of poison and your food shall grow scarce! There will be fighting and terror! Law and Order shall crumble to make way for Chaos and Destruction! Yes, Chaos! Chaos! There shall be much Chaos, and the terror you shall feel facing it shall be more terrifying than you could ever have possibly imagined before I conquered!

Me: Haaaa'riiiiii! Akito went crazy again. Give her her meds.

(Anti-Bush section to follow, with respect for Bush supporters.)

George Bush: (fires nuclear weapons at Akito, smiting her into dust.)

Everone: (stares at George Bush.)

George Bush: she said the T-Word 3 times.

Me: T….Word??

George Bush: Terror.

Me: oh. I see.

George Bush: (turned into small, harmless, slug by magical author powers.)

(End of Anti-Bush section.)

Me: well. That was certainly interesting.

Akito: aw, man, and just when I finally took over the world.

Me: what?

Akito: I died. That reverts me back to level 1.

Me: oh. I see.

Everyone: (confused).

Me: I'm…see…ummm….cut, please.

AN:Happy Sauce: a special sauce (invented by me)that's gives the drinker of even the tiniest amount huge quantitites of energy and happiness. Momiji must drink it, it's the only explanation. Joy and Joyness: Charlie the Unicorn. Haven't seen it? Watch it. Leave Now and Never Come Back: what Smeagol says to Golum in one of the LOTR movies. I thought it was appropriate. Hopped Up On the Q: from comedian Dane Cook. 'the Q' is NesQuick, which is to be snorted, as it induces hallucinogenic responses. (not really. Please don't try it.)