(drum roll plays)
Pf47: And now, the head honcho of Swordbird, the big boss, the one bird who looks like Jack Sparrow, please welcome…
Lord Turnatt the hawk!
Actually, he isn't here right now. The above welcome is my little transition to the next topic.
Let's begin.
Evil, cruel, malicious, over-confident, and arrogant best describe the antagonist of Swordbird. In the book, Lord Turnatt is building a massive fortress, dubbed "Fortress Glooming". He is building the fortress as a surefire way to gain power and control over Stone-run Forest. He's pretty much what you would expect out of a tyrannical hawk lord.
You would think that everyone, bird and human alike, would absolutely hate a bird like Turnatt. And they have reason to. He's greedy, selfish, and puts self-gain above the general welfare of the group. Kind of reminds me of some bank CEO's of today…
Back to the topic. Despite his bad reputation—or maybe even because of it—there are people out there who don't hate Turnatt, but pity him instead. This may sound insane, but it's true.
There are reasons why some people feel sorry for the hawk:
Reason #1: Lord Turnatt's failed construction project.
Fortress Glooming was never completed. Heck, it never really got off the ground. Turnatt made the mistake of using the woodland birds as slaves to build his enormous fortress. Slaves just don't cut it anymore. First of all, they were outlawed 150 years ago, so Turnatt's project would have been illegal if it were built on American soil. Second of all, they're malnourished, weak, and scared. Third, they can't do anything unless you have a lot of them. (Lord Turnatt only had thirty-eight to start with. That isn't a lot) Those aren't traits you want in a worker.
Who should Turnatt have used if slaves weren't the best option? Well, it's modern day, right? He should have hired a few contractors.
Lord Turnatt is perched on the edge of a table. Around him are human contractors that he hired to build Fortress Glooming. Spread out on the table is a large blueprint of the structure.
"Alright," Turnatt yells, "The foundation is completed. Now it's time to set up the skeletal frame of the building. Is that shipment of steel girders here yet?"
"I don't believe so, sir," answers a contractor.
"Then make sure it gets here! And from now on, you answer me as 'your majesty'," Turnatt screams in reply.
"Alright, your higggghhhhhness," says the contractor sarcastically, dragging out the last word. This earns him a few laughs from his buddies, who don't take Lord Turnatt seriously. (Why would they? He's a bird.)
"Enough of your mocking! I'll have you—"
"Mr. Turnatt?" says a voice. Turnatt and the contractors turn around to see several men in suits walking toward them.
"Who are—"
"Nice to meet you, Mr. Turnatt," interrupts one of the men. "I am Warren Buffet, CEO of Goldman Sachs Group, Inc. We're here to tell you that the construction for your 'Fortress Glooming' has been halted.
"We have purchased this plot of land for our newest investment banking office. We apologize for any complications, but the foundations and beginning structure of your building will have to be torn down."
Turnatt looks at the men, shock and bewilderment in his eyes. What was going on? Who were these men? And by what right did they have to destroy his property?
The man who had spoken earlier turned to the contractors. "Are you men under Mr. Turnatt's employment?"
One of the contractors laughs. "Not anymore," he says. "C'mon guys, let's go grab us a few beers."
The men in suits and the contractors head to the construction trailer, leaving a confused and panicked Turnatt sitting on the table.
Pf47: Unfortunately, there's just no room for a medieval fortress in modern day America. And besides, I'm pretty darn sure that construction workers wouldn't even consider working for a bird, no matter how much the bird offered to pay them.
Reason #2: Lord Turnatt's pathetic excuses for second-in-commands.
Pf47: Lord Turnatt has three main lieutenants: Bug-eye, Slime-beak, and Flea-screech the crows. It's beyond me how Turnatt managed to recruit such incompetent leaders. They fear Turnatt so much that they can hardly get any work done. And when they do, they fail miserably 90 percent of the time.
Take the ambush on the Flying Willowleaf Theater, for example. Slime-beak's team of crows, armed with swords, bows, and arrows, was beaten back by unarmed songbirds. The songbirds used anything they could to defend themselves: pots, pans, chairs, even raspberry pies and a giant vat of soup. I doubt the crows could be any more humiliated after that battle. The bad leadership of Slime-beak during that battle only served to make matters worse.
Then again, raspberry pies and giant vats of soup can do massive amounts of damage, especially when used correctly.
A squad of U.S. marines is hunkered down in a makeshift bunker in the outskirts Islamabad, Pakistan. They are in an intense firefight against Islamist extremists, who have the Americans surrounded. The marines can't hold out much longer.
Suddenly, they hear a scream of consternation. Peeking out of their barricade, they see an extraordinary sight. A giant flock of birds carrying pies and pots are bombarding the enemy forces. The pies spill masses of fruit and sugar all over the extremists, while the pots are tipped over on top of the terrorists, spilling what appears to be hot, scalding soup all over them. The terrorists try in vain to return fire on the birds, but the birds outnumber the terrorists 20 to 1 and are too agile to hit.
Eventually, the sound of gunfire dies down. The marines look up to find that all the terrorists have been eliminated. They are either dead or dying, drowned in pie innards and hot soup. One of the birds from the attack force lands in front of the lead sergeant.
"So, how did we do?" asks the bird.
The sergeant can't help but smile. "You guys got here in the nick of time," he replies, relieved—and amazed—that his men were saved by a giant flock of birds.
Pf47: Seems like Turnatt's crows aren't the only ones who've been humiliated by pie tossing, soup dumping birds.
The main point is this. If Lord Turnatt really wanted to take over Stone-run Forest, he should have selected better lieutenants to help him with the task.
Reason #3: Lord Turnatt's complete isolation.
Pf47: Hasn't anyone noticed that Lord Turnatt is the only hawk in Stone-run Forest? The only one? He can't be the only one, surely. But there's no evidence in the book that states the existence of any other hawks. The closest things to it are the golden eagles of Sword Mountain. (Sword Mountain is a tall mountain that is home to the kingdom of the golden eagles in Sword Quest. I might explain more on it if the need arises.)
Turnatt must be so lonely. Perhaps that's what drove him to build Fortress Glooming.
I've done some digging of my own into Turnatt's predicament. I came up with a few early archives of the younger Turnatt. Apparently, there were once hawks in the Swordbird world, though how and why they disappeared remains unknown. What I do know is that, when the other hawks were still here, Turnatt once had something of a romantic relationship with a female hawk.
This, of course, would lead to the speculation that the disappearance of Turnatt's girl caused his mad want for power. I guess that's a pretty solid argument on why Turnatt would try taking over Stone-run Forest.
So is that the true reason why? Is his destroyed love life the reason Lord Turnatt tried, in vain, to enslave the birds of Stone-run Forest to build his massive fortress?
Turnatt: No it isn't.
Pf47: What in the name of—
(Turnatt leaps onto Pf47 in one bound, whips out a dagger, and holds it to the shocked human's throat)
(Turnatt smiles cruelly)
Turnatt: Care to tell me what you are doing, human?
Pf47: Argh! Get off me, you freaking hawk!
(the human and hawk struggle for a few minutes, Pf47 trying to throw Turnatt off, and Turnatt trying to slit Pf47's throat)
(suddenly, Pf47 throws Turnatt off him and grabs something nearby)
(there's the sound of a gun being cocked)
Pf47: Don't you dare come closer, you hear!?
(Turnatt cocks an eyebrow)
Turnatt: That toy won't scare me, human.
Pf47: Oh, it should. This is a 0.24 caliber, 6 millimeter pistol, and I'm not afraid to use it!
Turnatt: And—
Pf47: It's loaded.
(Turnatt stares at Pf47)
Pf47: With 6 millimeter pellets.
(Turnatt continues to stare at Pf47)
Pf47: Okay, this is an airsoft gun, alright?
Turnatt: You mean a toy gun.
Pf47: But I'll still shoot you! It might not look like it, but this thing is powerful.
Turnatt: You can't even go squirrel hunting with that thing.
Pf47: What do you know about guns, Turnatt? You're a bird that fights with swords.
(Turnatt laughs)
Turnatt: Mine weapon's real. Yours isn't.
Pf47: Believe me. I've been to the shooting range. If you come at me, I will shoot you in between the eyes, then in your eyes. Or what remains of them behind that eye patch.
Turnatt: That is enough, human! Die!
(Turnatt lunges at Pf47)
(Pf47 fires and hits Turnatt right between the eyes, knocking him unconscious instantly)
(the hawk falls to the floor)
Pf47: Like I said. Right between the eyes. Though that was a pretty lucky headshot. Turnatt's a fast hawk.
This is another reason why some people pity Lord Turnatt. Despite his sheer size and strength, he's a pretty bad fighter. He always rushes head first into battle, leaving himself open to attack.
Hmmm. This reminds me of something…
Turnatt is in a dark dungeon with a bunch of other hawks. Turnatt is looking through a nearby arch into a large, dark room. Behind him, the leader of the hawk team is briefing the group.
"Okay guys," says the hawk leader, "getting these woodbird eggs has given us a lot of trouble in the past. Do any of you need an egg, or can we bypass this place?"
"I think Turnatt needs an egg," says a tan colored hawk.
"Oh, but doesn't he have that mithril hammer and sword already? I thought he didn't need anything else," replies the hawk leader.
"He wants a new regeneration ring and some extra mana. He says that'll help him with healing in battles," the tan hawk says.
The hawk leader sighs wearily. "God. Alright, here's what we'll do. I'll fly in first and let loose a hawk cry so that the birds will scatter. That way we won't have to fight a whole bunch of them at once. When I've finished, I need Trista," the leader motions toward a female hawk, "to scream. When she's done, I want you to do the same," the leader says, pointing at the tan hawk.
"Uh, archers, you're gonna have to use your pierce bolts to take them down quick. We're vulnerable in such a large group. I think it's a pretty good plan. We should be able to pull it off this time." The hawk leader turns to a smaller, black hawk with an abacus. "Uh, what do you think, Chang? You think you can give us an estimate real quick?"
The black hawk fiddles around with his abacus for a few seconds before saying, "Uh, yeah, I've got, uh, about 16.666—repeating, of course—percent of survival."
"Well," says the hawk leader, "that's a lot better than we usually do. Uh—"
Turnatt suddenly pipes up. "Alright chumps, let's do this." He takes off through the arch into the dark room, sword in talon, screaming, "LEEEEEEROOOOOOOY, JEEEEEEENKIIIIIIIINS!!!!!"
There's a moment of silence as Turnatt disappears into the room. Then the hawk leader says, "Oh my god, he just flew in!"
The hawk leader flies into the air after Turnatt, the rest of the team hurriedly following. "Oh god, Turnatt, what've you done now? Turnatt? Where in the world are you?" the hawk leader screams into the darkness.
Turnatt is in the middle of the room, fighting against an enormous flock of woodbirds protecting their eggs and nests. He's oblivious to the fact that he just ruined the team's plan.
"Turnatt! Stick to the plan, for Christ's sake!" yells the hawk leader. His order goes unheard.
There's nothing but chaos for the next minute as the hawks desperately fight a flock of hundreds of angry woodbirds.
Eventually, all the hawks are down, bleeding profusely from numerous cut wounds. The hawk leader is laying next Turnatt. Using his last ounce of energy, the hawk leader turns toward Turnatt.
"Turnatt, you're the dumbest hawk I've ever met."
The injured Turnatt smiles in response and holds up a dead chicken that he killed. "At least I have chicken."
The strangest part about this? Turnatt was the only one who made it out of there alive. Through his shout, he managed to get the team absolutely massacred by the woodbirds. Yet, in the end, he was the one who escaped. And with a chicken, too.
Still, Lord Turnatt is the worst World of Warcraft player ever.