It was so easy to read him when he was like this, but she didn't dare. The effort of holding back her own mind drew beads of sweat out on her brow as she approached his bunk. So warm and welcoming right now, she moaned mentally. The aura the unusually contented mercenary was emanating made her want to curl up beside him and just soak in the tranquility. Knocking on the hatch to his bunk, she swallowed heavily. He will burn it, she reminded herself, using the threat to keep the need to scan his mind at bay. There will be no more happiness if he burns it.
"What d'you want?"
"No fire, Jayne," she called out in response. The mood she couldn't help but feel – it fills the hallway, not the girl's fault if he fills the whole ship with himself – carried a momentary trace of annoyance as he left whatever world the book had between it's covers and moved to let her in. She dropped down easily and stood by, waiting for him to seal the gap behind her. When he moved instead to sit back down on his bed, she frowned. "The door is open."
"Reckon I'm less likely to get spaced this way." His hand caressed the closed volume, half hidden amongst his covers, ensuring that it was close by. "You wanted somethin'?"
"They know I am here, with you. Alone."
He raised an eyebrow. "You 'spect me to believe no one thought that was a bad idea?"
"The girl explained." Now that he was no longer actively ensconced in another world, it was easier for her to control herself, and she allowed her eyes to wander around the room. "They think you have an intracranial neoplasm," she informed him. Seeing his highly confused expression, she simplified. "Simon believes you may have a brain tumor."
Jayne scowled. "Reckon he'd like that." Watching her narrowly as she examined his personal space, he fidgeted, then ventured another question. "I ain't got one, do I?"
She scowled at him. "Of course not."
"...Would you really know if'n a person did have one?"
"It seems feasible. Your thought patterns might alter themselves in accordance with the new structure." Finished with her assessment of the bunk, she let her gaze fall back onto him. "The girl has been very good," she announced.
"...Huh?"
"She has tried very hard not to go inside of you."
"...You ain't been readin' me?"
"No."
"Good." He visibly relaxed. "Hate ta have to burn this," he continued, fingers running down the page edges.
"She can sense your hesitation," River said after a short silence.
"Thought you weren't reading me, girl," he snapped, glaring.
"Reading is unnecessary when you foist your emotions upon her," she shot back, crossing her arms.
"Well 'scuse me for living. I suppose it'd be easier on ya if I just stopped feelin' anything at all."
His anger was palpable, but she could not pinpoint it's source without exploring where she had sworn not to go. "I don't know!" she half-shouted back, frustrated at her situation. Want to go deeper, but access will be cut off if I do. He's too strong to go farther without permission...How does one entice him to allow entrance to an outsider?
"Well..." he trailed off, her use of the first person having caught him by surprise. Why in the hell am I still talking to her? He wondered even as he spoke. Ain't like this is gonna go anywhere trouble, and I know it. Still...she's funny today. "Mebbe I don't like bein' the one who ain't supposed to feel anything all the time." Now why in the hell did I tell her that? Ain't easy to be mean all the time, but she ain't exactly the most logical choice for soul-spillin'. His brow furrowed in thought. Is she?
She had seated herself on the mattress beside him almost before he finished his thought. "This is a good book," she stated, picking it up without opening it.
"How d'you know, if you ain't read it?"
"It makes you feel happy." He said nothing. "She likes it when you are happy."
"...Why?"
"She doesn't know. You just...feel good. The missing piece appears, and the Jayne-puzzle is complete." She looked up, and found him staring at her, an odd expression on his face. "I like the real Jayne. The whole Jayne. He does not come to visit often enough." Handing him the heavy work, she smiled. "You need more books."
"Don't know where to even start lookin' to find something else like this, girl," he told her quietly as he took the book. "It's a rare one. Dunno myself where ma found it, just said she thought I'd like it so she was sending it along."
"...Will you share it?"
A possessive look stole over his face. "Man like me don't get many fine things in life. Makes it hard for a person to let the few things he does get see much of the light a day. Wants to protect what little he's got."
"You don't have to give it away to share it."
His gaze turned quizzical. "How're they goin' to read it if I don't give it to them?"
"You can share it with the girl," she whispered. "I don't have to hold it. I can watch the movie."
He scratched his head, his eyes traveling back and forth between River and the gift from his mother. "You mean...you'd be readin' me while I was reading this here?"
"The girl could watch the movie," she nodded eagerly.
"I don't...I don't reckon that's a very good idea," he declined slowly. Who knows where you'll slip off to in my head while I'm distracted and you're already inside. Too many nasty things up there nobody ought to see. I ain't taking that chance, no way. Not when there are a million billion ways it could go wrong.
Her face crumbled, tears welling up. Need an escape, want to see behind your walls...you are too good at this game, Jayne Cobb. Unable to stand the pressure of his emotions mixed with her own wants, she released her abilities and found that his walls were more dilapidated than ever, crumbling on all sides, allowing her easy access to his current concerns. Finding the source of his uncertainty, she cocked her head to the side. "The girl does not care how slowly you read. And she will not go where she is not wanted."
"Gorram it, girl, I can't do it with you sittin' right there!" he exclaimed, ignoring the fact that she was clearly reading him.
"I can be in another room," she insisted. "I will be a ghost."
His face paled a little. "That ain't funny."
"She did not mean it like that," she explained as thoughts of Book and Wash ran through his mind. "You would not know I was there." While he contemplated that, she considered his reaction a moment before. "You do not wish the girl dead?"
"Want – huh?"
"You used to."
"You see!" he exploded, leaping up from the bed. "This is why you ain't supposed to be reading crew! Ain't no call to be looking at that! It ain't..." He trailed off, staring at her from across the room. It ain't what? He asked himself. It ain't her business? It was all about her, and a little bit of him, but mostly her crazy ass makin' us all the more like to get caught. It ain't... He searched for the right word. It ain't pertinent. Not now it ain't, on account of I wouldn't do it again. Finally he just sighed and closed his eyes. "It don't matter in any case, Crazy. Not unless you want it to, in which case ya might as well just use that brain a yours to kill me instead of just threatening it all the time."
"The girl would not kill you. Not now."
"Why in the hell not, knowin' what you know now?"
"There is more behind your walls than betrayal. There always have been. The others simply cannot see it."
"Yeah, I reckon there's plenty of blood, sex and money in there, too."
"More," she persisted, shaking her head at him. "Much more."
"Anything I put in there I've done long forgotten about. Don't really care to find out about it now."
"Liar."
"What'd you call me?!"
"If you didn't care, you wouldn't be so happy reading this book."
"You don't even know what it's about!" he complained. "For all you know it's a book on sexin' for Companions, and I'm just readin' it to get my rocks off!"
"You are a different kind of happy when you do that," she announced.
"Oh, ruttin' hell, I'm gonna have to quit doing that too, now?"
"Happy is happy, except when it's not," River shrugged back at him. "Jayne?"
"What is it?"
"We could speak nicely, like we did earlier." It was a suggestion, he knew, but the way she said it made it sound more like an ultimatum.
"Ain't we talkin'?"
"We are arguing. This afternoon was different." Without asking, she dipped quickly back into his memories. "The girl stood up for you today."
"Yeah," he admitted finally, fidgeting.
"You trusted her?"
"I dunno. Mebbe. Mebbe not," he added quickly.
"But not now," she said sadly, her mouth trembling.
He pursed his lips tightly. What's she doing, cryin'? Well, that's just all sorts a shiny, he thought sarcastically. "Look, Crazy, I...ah, go se." Just don't like the thought that you can see in my head all the time. Got things I like to keep to myself, things I ain't never told nobody. Don't like people poking around in there, tryin' to find out what I've got hidden.
"We had a deal," she recalled slowly as she discerned his reasons for wanting privacy.
"I'm still holdin' my end," he pointed out, afraid she was about to accuse him of breaking their verbal agreement. "It's right there next to you."
"...Perhaps you would be interested in entering into a second contract?"
Contractin'? Reckon I can haggle pretty good, now she ain't got me in so much of a corner. "What're you thinking?"
"The girl will call off the siege on your fortress, and will retreat to an acceptable distance."
"Meaning what, exactly?"
"She will only read what you are displaying so vividly that it is blatantly obvious to everyone. If she uncovers information that you do not wish to be revealed to others, she will ask your permission before doing so, and will abide by your desires in said matters."
"So...you'd just be feelin' what I was feeling, but not trying to figure out why I was feeling that way?"
"Generally, yes, that would be the term. Exceptions would be made for emergencies, naturally."
"...And what've I got to give up to get that kind a peace?" he asked suspiciously, raising one eyebrow and crossing his arms in front of him.
"You do not give up anything," she allayed. "Your only duty would be friendship."
He boggled at her. "You want me...to be your friend?" When she nodded, he just looked more confused. "What in the hell do you want someone as screwed up as me as a friend for?"
"Depth," she replied, giving him a look that suggested he shouldn't have needed to ask.
Choosing to let that particular cryptic statement go by, he inquired further. "What've I got to do to be your...friend? I ain't doing nothing what will get me in trouble, now."
"We could talk like this afternoon."
"Talk about what?"
"You do not want me reading you while you read, and per the terms of our agreement I would not anyway," she replied brusquely, all business now that she could sense that he was intrigued by her suggestion. "But perhaps you could tell the girl about the story after you have read it?"
"And what're we gonna do when I finish reading it?"
"Perhaps other topics will present themselves. In case they do not, we could agree to reexamine this contract after we have discussed the conclusion of the story." Standing, she strode over to him, holding her hand rigidly out in front of her. "Agreed?"
He chewed at his lip. "There ain't no hidden, whatchacallit, clauses or nothing? No sneaky bits I don't know about?"
"None whatsoever. The girl and the man called Jayne shall enter into the contract precisely as it has been stated here."
"So...you quit reading me, and all I got to do is tell you about that story I'm reading?"
"Correct. Although the girl would appreciate it if you called her by her name sometimes, as well."
"I reckon I can do that, so long's you promise you ain't gonna come at me with nothing sharp or explosive."
"So long as the girl is in charge of her faculties, she agrees to the additional terms as addendums to the basic tenets."
"Well...all right." As soon as he shook her hand, the business air vanished, and the slip of a woman skipped gaily back to the bed. Curling up against the wall, she held the book out to him. "What, you want to start now?"
"You have read nearly a third of the story, and are at the end of a chapter. This is the perfect time to catch the girl up."
"How do you know where I am? I don't mark the pages."
"She saw before you agreed to the second contract."
Barely keeping his mouth from quirking with laughter – sneaky little wench - Jayne sat on the opposite end of the bed . "Why do I get the feeling I'm gonna be hearing that a lot after this?"
"Perhaps you are mildly clairvoyant." She grinned at the stream of curses this response invoked. "What is the basic premise of the story, please?"
"Well...it's sort of realistic, like maybe it really happened kind of like in the story. Takes place on Earth-That-Was, right, and there's these people who are exploring this place they've never been to before, meeting the folks who already live there, finding all these animals they ain't never seen, basically trying to just get on with life in this strange land they've ended up in. Now there's more people starting to show up from other places, right, and they want to settle there to on account of it's a real nice place, but there's starting to be all sorts of problems with the people who lived there before and with the people still living back where all the new people are from..." He trailed off, running out of words for what he'd read. "That's about as far as I've got. Reckon there's got to be some sort of battle or something coming up, so many people all squished together and wanting the same land." Seeing her disappointment at his lack of detail, he frowned. "I never said I was any good at this," he said defensively.
She sighed. "It's all right. You will get better at it." When you trust me more, you will be much more expansive. She knew how well he could picture it; she had seen the way the story unfolded itself in his head earlier that day, and she had sensed that he had the ability to verbalize what he had visualized. "Your mask is just sticky because you never take it off." When it is loose enough and you can take it off without discomfort, perhaps then you will let me see more of what you hide behind the walls. He was, she had to concede, incredibly good at keeping foes from entering the fortress, even when there were virtually no defenses remaining. Sheer will power drove him in those moments, and she felt a welling of respect for his remarkable capabilities in functioning under such conditions.
Maybe, she thought later as she headed towards her bed, once time has passed, he will deign to share with someone he considers a friend. Walking down the hall, she allowed her tightly reined abilities to linger on the emotions he put out as he settled back down to read, reconnecting with the characters he liked and finding in a world long dead things that reminded him of what he treasured, deep down in the most secret passageways of his being. It was a hard story, she realized, a tale of loss and defeat and pain, but that suited the life he had led. It was also a purely human story, woven through with love and honor, loyalty and pride, all of which were things Jayne held to be of high importance even when he seemed to scorn them. How much of what he hides is made of those things? she wondered. How much agony must practicing them have led him to for him to feel the need to bury them deep inside?
There were darker corridors in the mind of Jayne Cobb than she would ever have imagined existed, hiding in their shadows neglected monsters nearly as hideous as her own. Someday, she hoped, they would walk those halls together, discovering those things that they had both forgotten. Especially the love, she decided, snuggling deep under her blankets and pressing her back against the wall just so there would be a solid weight there.
Maybe, just maybe, they could remind each other how much pain that particular emotion was worth.
Well, that went in a Raynier direction than it started out as in my head, but oh well. Thanks so much to those of you who have been waiting for the conclusion to this for several months; hopefully you enjoyed the ride. Thanks to all for reading, and remember, reviews are the fuel to an author's fire.