I had a really tough time falling asleep that night. All I could think about was how all the boys were thinking about me. They were wondering what I looked like, how I acted, if I was smart or stupid or sexy or ugly or if I would even consider any of them.

I had that feeling of dread that I got in m stomach when my mom forced me to join the soccer team even though I hated team sports. I managed to talk my way out of that one. I could never talk my dad out of anything.

I was suddenly hit with the reality of my situation. I had accepted that I would never see my mom again, but at times it randomly occurred to me, and it was like finding out for the first time all over again. But this new situation was different. It added a whole new level of anxiety and stress that I didn't think my skin could handle and my terrible sleeping habits would not help in the least.

I fell asleep in this state. At least I could blame all my new problems on my father, which was satisfying.

I woke up feeling fresh and chipper, which annoyed the hell out of me. I would have liked to have woken up with a killer headache feeling like crap, so I could pinpoint my terrible day on my dad. But unfortunately I felt okay, so I figured I should make the most of it.

I put on my uniform – the same thing as the boys', but with a skirt. I had been wondering if they would force me to wear pants, same as the boys, or something more feminine.

I liked the idea of pants better. I had never liked skirts anyways, and I just wanted to fit in here. But my dad had thought otherwise.

"Jillian, you are not here to pretend to be a boy. You are here as a girl who just happens to go to a boy's school."

I nodded in agreement like I had thought that all along and he nodded back. There were no hugs exchanged. Big surprise.

As I walked down to breakfast – "7:00. Sharp." – the lump in my throat got bigger and bigger. How would I do this? Just walk in? Where would I sit? Who would I sit with? I contemplated turning around and just skipping breakfast, but my dad's words lingered. "You'll be ready to make a great impression first thing in the morning." He would be so disappointed…

I opened the doors as quietly as possible. Apparently "7:00 sharp" meant "get here earlier than that or else all the good food will be taken", because the boys were all happily eating and yelling to each other, spraying food everywhere. I only found this a bit disgusting – okay, so my friends and I were pretty much the same way – and I was glad that the attention was not turned towards me.

As soon as the first boy spotted me, however, that all changed. It was silent for a second and then the whispers began. I felt horribly uncomfortable and as I sat down at an empty table by myself, I was half relieved and half disappointed that no one joined me.

We all noticed her of course. I could hear it in the loud whispers that floated across the room. She seemed pretty enough, I thought, but she hid behind her hair so it was hard to tell. She didn't say anything to anyone and sat down alone, which I thought was kind of weird before I remembered that she didn't know anyone. I kept expecting someone to stand up and walk up to her, but no one did. I was half expecting myself to do so as well – I was ready for my legs to stand up and walk over to her on their own, but they never did. I was disappointed in them, really – I never would have been able to do it myself, not while my brain was fully functioning.

"I'm going over there," Charlie announced with a flourish. I was sure she'd heard it; she looked up and her pigtails flew away from her face. She had rather large eyes that met mine for a fraction of a second before she smiled and turned away. My heart fluttered and I reached over to grab Charlie's arm.

"No you're not," I said.

"Come on, Neil," he said, grinning. "It's not like you will."

"Give her some space, Charlie. She just got here."

"Don't you think she wants someone to comfort her in this time of need?"

"I don't think it needs to be you."

He didn't say anything. I didn't think I had really insulted him, but I was scared that I had kind of hurt his feelings.

"Come on, Charlie, you know what I mean." He looked at me. "Look at you. You'll scare her off."

"That's not true," he said, but he sat back down.

We laughed at him and continued eating.