Chapter 5: Lily's POV
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Why did I feel like I had suddenly betrayed someone? Did I?
No, not that I was aware of. I wasn't anyone's girlfriend, nor was I going out with anyone else.
So then why the nagging feeling of guilt, of my "choice" to go out with James?
This would not do. I was always used to having complete control, whether it be my emotions, my facial expressions, or thoughts. These new out of control feelings were a mystery, and I had to escape it. It was becoming too much for me. The years of practice ignoring the teasing and mean names were nothing compared to this. It was as if all of them came rushing at once.
I ran to my sanctuary, a place that now held much happier memories from before. The library. I could feel my control slipping, fading away.
On my way in, just before the tears broke, I ran into a hard surface. Was it a surface, or was it a person? It was a person…I felt the robes, saw the Gryffindor crest inches above where my head was.
With that, I had my answer. The tallest person in the whole school, the most mysterious person in the whole school was standing in front of me, holding me gently, telling me it would be okay as I sobbed into his large chest.
He steered me deep into the library. If it were any other person, I would be scared for myself. What could happen in such a place faraway from any supervision? But no, Remus would never do something like that.
We sat down together, my seat next to his on the couch, my knee brushing his. He held my hand as I cried into his lean side, his other long comforting arm wrapped around me, stroking my back.
With him, I felt like I could tell him anything, like he would be there through anything. Like there was an unspoken connection between the two of us that neither understood.
And I was okay with that.
At that moment, it didn't matter what personal torture I would be putting myself through with James the next day. All that mattered was that I was here, with a friend, being comforted.
A friend. A good one.
As my sobs slowly subsided, and our breathing paces matched, I was able to raise my eyes to his face. He was looking at me with such adoration, and such sympathy, I felt like I wanted to kiss him.
Kiss him?
My thoughts were growing ever more confused. One moment I was thinking about how James Potter was actually cute, to thinking I wanted to kiss one of his best friends.
I didn't want to move. In fact, although the rational part of my brain was screaming to get away before the feelings got any deeper, my body wouldn't allow it. I was far too content in his arms for my own good.
Even after I stopped crying, we stayed in our embrace. His limber hand was still tracing absent circles on my back, sending shivers of pleasure throughout my entire body. His other hand was entwined with mine, squeezing it every now and again to remind me he was here. I was snuggled up under his arm, nearly falling asleep I was so comfortable.
I could smell his breath, feel every move, every twitch of his hard muscles. He enveloped me in his musky scent. I closed my eyes, and imagined the scene his smell presented. There were pine trees and honey bees buzzing. I was laying upon lush grass, the leaves tickling my face. I was facing up, looking up at the clear blue sky, the smell of a near orange tree adding to the pleasantness of the scene. As I turned my head, I saw a face, and it wasn't the face I was expecting to see.
It was blank, although I was very happy to see him. I wanted to know who that face was, who's face haunted my dreams.
It wasn't until he shook me awake that I realized I had fallen asleep.
"As much as I would love to remain here with you Lily, we have to go. It's nearly time for the Great Hall dinner. If you will allow me though, I would like to escort you," Remus said politely, a smile covering his face. He was obviously very happy, as was I.
"I'd love that," I said. It was truly so easy to be with him, his moods contagious.
He stood up first, and I instantly missed his warm body against mine, his arm wrapped around me.
Fortunately he still held my hand. It was at this realization I blushed. Evidently, he figured my blush was due to my unwillingness in the situation, rather than my pleasure. In the most gentleman-like fashion, he removed his hand and placed his hand on the small of my back, steering me out of the corridor.
After seeing him so unguarded in the library, the sight of him with his wall back up caught me off guard. Here I was, thinking we would get close and he was back to his usual self.
As we neared the doors to the Great Hall, the stares and whispers of other children began to get too much for both me and him, he dropped his arm and turned to face me, speaking in a whisper of his own, "James would never forgive me if he knew. I just wanted you to know, you can come to me with anything, even if its just homework, or if you just need someone to talk to. I'm here for you Lily. And I rather enjoyed being close to you," he confessed sheepishly, yet the look of adoration creeping through in his eyes.
I drew him closer, getting lost in the depths of his auburn eyes, "The same goes for you Remus. And I rather enjoyed being close to you. I shall have to cry far more often in your company so that I may be in that comfortable position," I said, hoping he could see how thankful I was.
He smiled and pulled me into a massive hug, his limbs enveloping me. I laughed out loud as he swung me around, before gently placing me back on the ground.
I wanted to show him how much his persistence meant to me, how much his friendship did. I very decidedly placed a kiss upon his cheek, and entered the hall, my cheeks flushed and a smile covering my face.
He followed suit behind me, his face flushed with happiness, although his slumping shoulders showed he was back in his usual state of feeling like the second best.
It was then it struck me. The reason I had felt so guilty was because of Remus. Like I did have an attachment to him other than friendship, which would explain the ease of his company.
I liked him. Potter would never have anything on him. Remus was bounds ahead of him. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
I would remain true to Remus. This date with Potter would be nothing, if only giving into a moment of insecurity.
At least I hoped.