Okay so I realize this kind of changes style a little bit… it's been a while since I've written so I've lost the feel of how I used to write… :D

Okay, so he didn't say he loved me. But that didn't stop my heart from pounding like a thousand beats per second. I was pretty sure that "she is everything" is a pretty good substitution. And that adorable smile and that blush that crept up his neck while he was talking. Ugh. I needed to shake myself away from this dream and snap back into reality. Oh wait. This was reality.

I climbed into my bed that night with nothing but Neil on my brain. All memories that I suppose had to fad at some point but until then would remain rock solid in my head ready to be replayed constantly. His lips. His hair. His smile. His hands. His chest.

The next few weeks passed in this blissful trance. Every night I would dream of Neil. I would wake up, get dressed up, put on a bit more mascara than I might have used before I met him, then walked out to the hall to meet him for breakfast. We would touch hands – which, I'm happy to report, became less awkward and more like actually hand-holding as the days went by – and walk down the hall, sit together at breakfast, go to class together, eat lunch and dinner together, sit in my room and talk and do homework, and then he would leave and I would sleep, dreaming of him.

Yes. An amazing system.

Occasionally I would accompany him to a Dead Poets meeting, but I still didn't feel totally close to other boys. The meetings were interesting and inspiring, but I'm sure that the boys were happier when I wasn't there. Not because they didn't enjoy my company (in fact, they probably were growing accustomed to me seeing as I spent every waking moment with Neil and started bearing a little bit more skin), but because of the conversations they could have.

I'm sure they're meetings went a little something like this:

NEIL: (reads opening statement)

CHARLIE: So, Neil, have you hit that yet?

NEIL: Shut up, Dalton.

CHARLIE: Come on, Neil. Something must have happened already.

NEIL: We're taking it slow.

CHARLIE: And why exactly would you do that?

NEIL: I really like this girl, Charlie. I'm not going to sacrifice this relationship.

Or at least that's kind of what I hoped went on. There were a few other possibilities, such as:

the boys discussing how ugly and not good I was for Neil

Neil joining in on the vulgarity

But I knew Neil wasn't like that. Yet.

I knew what Jillian was probably thinking. It was unrealistic to think that the stunt I pulled before – well, perhaps stunt isn't quite the right word seeing as I unleashed the powerful force of words into a poetic description of my emotions, as I liked to think of it – would last more than a few weeks. The awkward hand-touching wasn't enough to fuel the fire. And now, with Jillian not coming to the meetings, I could see where her imagination would run wild. She seemed like the type to invent all sorts of scenarios. The worst part was, each scenario she imagined probably happened at one meeting or another.

Charlie, being Charlie, assumed immediately after I read that letter that we were sleeping together. What a joke. I would never force that on Jillian, I would never bring it up. Well never was strong word, like your parents always told you "hate" was, but at least "hate" you were sure about. Never – well, nothing was forever and I was pretty sure that age 17 my view would change rapidly.

Dear Isobel,

I need to talk to you. I mean, we don't live too far away now do we? I could bike over to Henley High after school or something… or maybe you could come here… It's an emergency, I swear, though. Remember all those books we consumed about secret relationships? Well I'm living one of them. Weird, I know, right? You were always the one with the flock of guys around her. But going to an all boys' school changes things I suppose. But anyways it's not a bunch of guys, just one. His name is – well, I won't write it here just in case you decide to do some preliminary research like you always do. (Asking around won't help, by the way – he's got an amazing record and everyone loves him.) Problem? Including me and I don't know how to tell him. Okay, it's dinner and I have to go but write back or just show up, I'm not picky. You may even meet a guy here. I have the perfect guy for you, as well – whose name I also won't share with you because

Ah I have to go.

xoxo

Jillian

I pulled the piece of paper out of the typewriter and tucked it into an envelope, sticking it in the outbox outside my dorm on my way to dinner.

Isobel was my best – which, in m case, just means "only" – friend from Henley, but she was so sweet and amazing. The only problem was that everyone loved her, leaving me to be left behind, but I didn't mind so much. I needed to talk to her.

I mean, I was living a lie. Nolan had told me specifically not to date anyone, and now Neil and I were practically a couple, to those who knew about us. And who didn't? This kid who I barely knew came up to me and Neil one day and told us we looked "Hallmark card cute". I took it as a compliment even though he wrote a three page article for the newspaper trashing consumerism and corporations.

I went to the meeting that night because I needed to vent (which I did symbolically through a poem I wrote in my spare time). I was hoping that because I was there the conversation would drift away from me and Neil (or at least the more vulgar stuff). Unfortunately it drifted in the direction of Knox and his romance with Chris.

I hate to be a buzz kill but Knox didn't have a relationship with Chris. I decided to tell him this. I, of course, let him down lightly.

"Knox," I began. "I have known Chris for what, like nine years? She is the most conceited, shallow person you will ever meet. You have no chance with her. She's just stringing you along, seeing how far she can take you."

I realized this sounded harsh, and was about to apologize, when Knox interrupted.

"Oh and I suppose she and Chet are like the perfect couple," he retorted. "They have no problems. She's so happy with that idiot…"

"He is NOT an idiot," I said, and I guess no one was expecting that because everyone, including Neil, looked at me incredulously.

"I just…"

"Don't think I have a chance?" Knox asked.

"That's not what I was going to say," I answered, "but frankly, I don't. She'll never leave Chet."

"Why not? She's obviously stringing him along, from the way you've described it, so why not?"

I sighed. "She's doing this – you, Chet, everything – to get back at me."

There was silence.

"Of course," Knox finally said. "Of course, Chris is going to all this trouble to get back at you. It's all about you." Sarcasm dripped from his words. "You know, you're losing your credibility here. I've met Chris and she didn't come off as sociopathic to me."

"I never said she was a sociopath," I said, quickly losing my patience. "You don't have to listen to me, but she's made my life hell for the pat nine years and hasn't showed any signs of stopping. Hell, I go to an all boys' school now. I left behind my entire life at Henley. And I'm still hearing about her. I don't even see her and I'm still dealing with her stupid drama. And you know what? I'm done. You can get your heart broken. See if I care. She's already broken mine so what more can she do to me?"

I walked to the cave door to leave then turned back. "Oh wait. Now all the guys are going to be mad at me… and I go to an all guys' school! Looks like she is getting to me." With that I left, heading back through the now familiar woods and into my bed. I could have sworn I heard Neil call to me, but maybe I just wanted to hear his voice.

I didn't dream about him that night, but I guess every girl needs her alone time.