Chapter 11: Remus' POV

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"You might want to sit down," I told Lily. "This will take a while."

She sat down awkwardly, as far away from me as she could sit. I frowned inwardly, wondering at her behavior. I knew I had probably confused her though. I sighed and began.

"First of all, I want to begin with saying that I don't have cancer." She exhaled in relief at this. "However, I am a werewolf." I felt that bluntness was the best way to go about this.

Her lovely eyes widened in shock. "WHAT?!? How is that even possible?"

"When I was a young boy, I was bitten by Fenrir Greyback, a werewolf. You may have heard of him; he transforms young wizards and kidnaps them, training them in the ways of the werewolves. He teaches them to believe all wizards are awful. I knew otherwise. My parents were both wizards and did not allow me to go. They protected me from him my entire life. However, I knew school would be a problem. In fact, I thought my wizarding life was over, but Dumbledore kindly allowed me in. He set up ways for me to cope. You know the Whomping Willow? Planted purely for me. Under it is a passage that leads to the Shrieking Shack, and that's where I go when I need to transform. The howls the villagers hear are…uh…actually me howling." It was embarrassing to me for her to have her know those things about me. She was the first person I had told since James, Sirius, and Peter. And that was five years ago.

She was still sitting, frozen in disbelief. I continued. I was already in far too deep to stop, and knowing her, she wouldn't want me to. Her curiosity would eventually get the better of her.

"That's why I'm so huge. Being a werewolf has a few side effects. You see, the teeth of a werewolf are coated with DNA, a venom-like substance. Once it penetrates the skin and enters the bloodstream, it's impossible to stop. It warps your human body, the DNA from the werewolf mixing with your own. The werewolf gene causes the overproduction of growth hormones. The bigger the better is what they say in my world." I smirked at the inside joke I had heard at one of many conventions I had been to.

"Hence, I'm huge. Dumbledore just recently gave me this potion that supposedly halts growth. I could literally feel the growth plates being frozen and the growth hormones destroyed. It was quite the experience." This time, I let out a small chuckle. She was staring at me, astonished at both my story, and the fact I could laugh about it.

"Any questions?" I asked pleadingly, hoping she wouldn't think me a monster and forever shun me from her. That would be my last straw. I doubted I could last through that.

I began to fear that she would do just that. Her face seemed frozen in a mask of shock. Her mouth was dropped, her eyebrows raised, and her eyes as wide as saucers. She was speechless

"Remus," was all she said. Her voice was filled with emotion. "Oh Remus! I can't believe you've lived like this for five years! I can't imagine having a secret like that, and having no one to turn to…"

"Well, I actually have had people to talk to," I said. "All my friends know. They figured it out at the end of our first year. In fact, they've found a way to accompany me when I transform. You see, only humans are in danger near a werewolf. Animals are fine. If they were in the form of an animal during my transformation-"

She gasped. "You don't mean they're Animingi, do you?"

"Do you remember the book I was checking out, that day I caught you?" I smiled at the memory.

Another gasp. "Werewolves and Animingi! Of course!" She was quiet for a moment. "I won't lecture you on how dangerous the Animingi process is to attempt for a bunch of fifteen year olds because between you, James, and Sirius I'm sure nothing went wrong. I just…I feel so bad for you, Remus. Even with your friends knowing, you must have felt so alone. You must be so alone…"

I looked into her eyes. She blushed and looked away. "I wish I could help you," she murmured.

"You already have," I said hoarsely. She was the first person since my friends that actually understood, and who wasn't judging me.

"No," she said, meeting my eyes again. "I wish I could help you…with your…isolation. But I can't," she said with purpose. "I have James now."

James. How had I forgotten about that? My heart fell to my feet. I wished it would fall out of my body altogether and spare me the pain. "Oh. That's right." And then awkward silence followed.

"How are things going with James?" I asked, sure my voice would betray everything. But I had to know.

Her eyes immediately cast down, away from me. She spoke as if it pained her to say this to me. It was the last thing I wanted. "Great actually. We get along pretty well. I met Sirius and Peter the other day. Sirius is pretty cool. A little sex-crazed, but I like him. Peter's a little weird though." She said, wrinkling her nose in disgust. I laughed, and from the way she looked at me, I could tell that she wasn't expecting that. However, I was sure she wasn't expecting any of the things I had told her.

"You never cease to amaze me, Remus Lupin." Her eyes showed the truth of her words.

I chuckled again, and stood up. "Well, I don't want to keep you from sleep any longer. You have enough to mull over for your entire life." I led her out of the library.

She turned to me, right before she left the room and said, with tears shining in her eyes, "I'm sorry. I'll find a way to help you. I promise." I gulped as I let her out of the room.

I shuffled back to the couch. I wasn't ready to return to the dorm, in fact I wasn't sure if I was ready to return to my life. I was content just to sit in my favorite place till I fell asleep.

Her words echoed in my mind as I dozed off.

I'll find a way to help you.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

On my return from the library with Lily, I ran into Sirius. Or rather, he ran into me. Sirius was standing in the way of our dorm, with purpose, his arms crossed.

"You have some serious explaining to do, dude." Sirius began, his eyes accusing and mad.

"What are you talking about?" I murmured with no resolve. I didn't have the heart to lie to him anymore.

"You know exactly what I am talking about Remus! You held Lily, after James asked her out. And now, you're having late night talks in the library! I mean, come on! How many hearts are you trying to break?!" I could tell Sirius was mad. He spoke dangerously low, yet his voice rose with every word.

I sighed. I had already given plenty of explanations tonight, and I wanted sleep. He was obviously forgetting how just a little while ago I had been recovering from an extremely painful transformation.

"I'm not breaking any hearts, Sirius. Lily knows about me. I'm her friend. That's all. End of story." I said, swiping my arm in order to get through to our dorm door. He didn't even budge. His face was a mixture of shock and extreme anger. The shock from the fact I had told her, and the anger at a misunderstanding. He wouldn't let me pass, and I knew he didn't intend to until I said what he wanted to hear.

"I could easily kill you, you know." I growled at him through between my teeth.

"I know. But you wouldn't." Sirius said, playfully returning to his usual mood. He suddenly turned serious again (as serious as Sirius ever was) as he said, "I don't believe you about Lily. I think you are more than friends. Now explain. I want the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you God." He smirked at his own joke, which relaxed the mood a little. I was in no mood for joking however, and if he wanted the truth, then dammit I was going to give it to him.

"You have to swear on our friendship you won't tell James," I began. Seeing his nod, hesitant but still there, I continued, "Lily and I have been friends for a while. I caught her once when she nearly crushed her face on the stairs. That was when I felt…something more for her." His face darkened and immediately I explained myself. "Don't worry. I would never do anything like that to James. I swear on my grave, and everyone else's that nothing has happened between us." His face lightened considerably.

"However, when she said she would go out with James, she was crying. I was just there to comfort her, " I barked a painful laugh and said, "It seemed at first like she was using me. I could never fully tell what she wanted. But tonight she made it quite clear. She told me 'I have James now.' Don't worry, I didn't try to force her into anything."

At this, I sighed, and continued. "You want the truth about how I feel at the moment. I'll enlighten you. I'm not angry with Lily about her decision, for I know that James is probably much more appealing than I. That being said, I do feel quite a bit of jealousy towards James, and a slight bit of bitterness. I had no idea I could feel this way towards a person besides myself. It's a strange and frustrating phenomena, but it's nothing unmanageable for me- I am an expert at hiding my true feelings. I will hide my envy from James, for he is a brother to me. And I will hide my feelings from Lily, for I really and truly love her. I would never try to compromise my relationship with either of them. But I do want you to know that Lily and I are still going to be friends. I can accept that she is with James romantically, but I want to be near her in any way that I possibly can."

Sirius was silent for a moment, obviously deliberating over all that I had just said. As much as I feared his reaction, I felt so relieved to finally be able to tell someone. My attention was grabbed as he cleared his throat, "Damn. I don't even know what to say."

"Just say what you think. People have hidden the truth from me for too long. I've hidden the truth from them for too long, as well. I'd like a new, more truthful life. It felt really good to get that off my back," I smiled.

"You really want me to tell you what I think?" He asked, his eyebrows raised in disbelief. I nodded eagerly. "You have one fucked up life," he said, chuckling. I couldn't help but laugh with him. Soon, we were doubled over, and I could remember why I had made friends with him.

"But on a serious note," he said, finally sobered. "I really don't know what to tell you. I completely understand your situation, and I feel bad I ever accused you now. It wouldn't be right for you to split up James and Lily, but it also isn't right for you to have to watch and suffer." He said the last part sympathetically, looking at me with eyes full of apologies. "I have no idea what to say, bro."

I laughed. "That's a first." He grinned. And then sighed.

"Well, I guess the only thing I can say is wait it out. I like Lily, and I obviously like James, and they are fairly well suited for each other. However, I think Lily might prove too much of a challenge for James. He might not want to share the spotlight. Or…" Sirius trailed off.

"What?" I prodded him.

Sirius sighed. "Quite frankly, I don't think James appreciates what he has in Lily. And though he is undoubtedly brilliant, he's not always the most sensible of people. It's not a stretch for me to imagine him doing something stupid that will screw things up with Lily."

I cringed. I didn't want to imagine Lily hurting.

"So I guess what I should say is, wait it out. For one reason or another, it'll end. You need to make sure you're 100% there for her when she comes to you crying and broken-hearted."

I nodded. "Thanks, Sirius."

He grinned his classic grin. "No problem, Remus. I'm sorry I ever accused you."

We walked into the dorm room we shared with James and Peter. Within five minutes, Sirius was fast asleep. I stayed up a little while longer, thinking of the conversations I'd had that day. And then, I finally drifted off to sleep, mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted.