I had given into peer pressure and was sitting with my friends. I was planning on staying mad at Jillian for a few days, at least. That all disappeared when she walked through the dining hall doors. It was impossible to ignore her. And her friend.

"Shit, Jillian looks hot," Charlie commented, not bothering to keep his voice down. "And who's that girl with her? Damn."

Jillian and her friend sat down next to us, smiling. Jillian looked nervous and refused to meet my eyes.

"Hey, guys," she said, looking at Knox. "I just wanted to say that I'm really sorry about what happened last night. I can explain later, when we have time. It was totally an overreaction. And I'm sorry."

None of said anything. I think Knox may have nodded in approval.

"Thanks," Jillian said gratefully. "Oh, uh, guys, this is Isobel. She's my best friend from Henley."

"Hey Isobel," we all said in unison.

"And Isobel, this is Charlie," she added, smiling shyly as if they had some sort of hilarious inside joke but she wasn't sure if she wanted to reveal it us just yet. "The one I, uh, told you about."

"Damn," Isobel said to Charlie. "You're even more attractive in person."

"Thanks?" Charlie said, and I laughed. Normally I didn't see Charlie get flustered. Isobel's cockiness seemed a perfect match for his.

Everyone talked and Isobel and Charlie flirted. I was mostly staying out of the conversations, when Jillian gently touched my hand.

"Hey, can I talk to you? Do you want to go somewhere?"

I nodded. "Sure. Umm… do you want to head upstairs?"

"Yeah." She turned to Isobel. "Hey, I need to, uh, go talk with Neil. You're in good hands, though."

We headed upstairs, walking awkwardly side by side, but it didn't feel like we were walking together. I swung my hand to the right and it gently hit hers, but instead of grabbing it, Jillian pulled hers back. I kept my head down and the silence got even denser.

"I need to talk to you." Wow. Was I that cliché? It sounded like I was about to announce that we should break up. Or that I was pregnant.

"About what?" Neil asked, settling into his bed. I wanted to sit next to him so badly, but I knew that if I did I would just want to push him down to the bed and lie down on top of him and just forget this whole business, and I couldn't have that. I sat down on Todd's bed instead.

"The truth," I answered. I could have sworn I saw his face darken. Shit. I didn't… I didn't want this. I just wanted us to be happy again like we were when we were first together. But even then I was lying, breaking rules. I searched my memories for the lies, why I started, when, but it didn't come to me. Maybe I was the sociopath, not Chris. Maybe I didn't deserve Neil, or any guy at all for that matter. Neil was so nice, he didn't need this. But he put up with it. He wanted me. I could tell by the way he smiled when I talked and looked at me when he thought I wasn't watching. Maybe he loved me, as much as I loved him.

"Yeah?" Neil said after a long pause. He was waiting for me, but words didn't come.

"My mom…" I started. "She… she didn't die in a car crash. She, uh… she had cancer."

Pause. Look at him. Search his face. Disappointment? No. Anger? No. Hate? No. So then what? Why wasn't he answering?

"Why didn't you tell me?" Now it came. Hurt. Betrayal. Sadness. Confusion.

I was silent. I couldn't say anything. It was like when Chet approached me at the bus stop – I was searching for words I couldn't find.

But Neil didn't leave. And so I found them.

"I just couldn't. It just brought back so many painful memories, and I didn't want to bring them up again. I didn't want to be reminded of them. I didn't want… I didn't want you to be associated with them. I didn't want to see you in the morning and think of him."

"Him?"

Shit. "Them."

"You said 'him'."

I paused again. "Neil," I began. "I really like you, and I don't want to keep secrets from you. I don't want to not want to tell you things."

"Is this all about a guy?"

"If by guy you mean you, then yes…?" I smiled innocently, tried to breathe some life back into the conversation. It didn't work.

"Come on, Jillian."

I took a deep breath. "I had a bad year, last year, okay? My mom was diagnosed with leukemia. And then… well, I was in a bad place, and then I met Chet."

Neil inhaled. "You mean Chet Danbury, the guy who Knox is convinced is an idiot who doesn't deserve Chris?"

"That's the one."

"So that's why…"

"Why I've been blowing up at Knox for the past few weeks? Yeah, that's why."

Neil thought for a moment.

"So did you guys ever… date, or anything?"

"Oh, no," I said. "We were just friends. But, then one day…"

I told him about his mom dying, about me not being able to say anything, about Chris, and Chet trying to talk to me when he found out, about me not being happy until I came here, until I met him.

"I wanted to tell you, I really did," I said. "But it was just too hard to talk about." I noticed I was crying.

Neil crossed the floor at sat down next to me. I thought he was going to wipe away my tears, all romantic, but instead he leaned into me until I fell to the pillows and kissed my forehead. Then my nose. Then my lips. It was pure bliss, believe me, but I couldn't. I just couldn't.

I broke away and sat up as much as I could with him lying on top of me. "You're not mad?"

He looked at me, his weight still pressing down on my chest. It hurt my abs to keep sitting up, and it reminded me of our PE class. "Not really," he answered slowly, and my stomach muscles burned. "I mean, no. I'm frustrated, I'm confused. But…" He shook his head, unable to say anything (I knew the feeling), and leaned forward kissed me again.

This time, I kissed him back.