So Very Obsessed

Spencer and Emily

Chapter Three

June 2010

She did her best to push Reid- and thought of their kiss- from her mind in her days off after the case up in Maine. But when she went jogging- as every foot hit the ground- her mind inevitably bombarded her with thoughts, questions, worries and memories. But as quick as they came she pushed them away.

It would do Emily no good to obsess over what he was going to do next- if anything at all. She had to focus on her own life and making her days off productive and not consumed with thinking about him.

So that is just what she did. All day long she kept herself busy with exercising, cleaning, shopping and hanging out with friends. And it worked somewhat. As the days went on the thoughts of him were less consuming.

But nothing worked in that awful time between when she lay down in bed and when she fell asleep. During that witching hour her mind would drift to him and there was nothing to do to keep it distracted. Heat would spread and pool in her body.

And she hated Dr. Spencer Reid. There was so much to hate about him. When he had her there aching for his touch, for his attention, for him to just give a damn about her in a more meaningful way and not just think about giving a damn (did he really have to think so freaking much?)

She hated him, yes, because she was afraid he would not love her back. And afraid that since she had kissed him she had lost any hope of breaking her obsession over him.

Maybe she should ask Hotch to get her a different desk at work. That would be a good first step. A desk that did not face his. Yep. That is just what she would do on Monday.

With that rather ridiculous resolve in her mind she fall into a restless sleep, tossing and turning and reaching for a man who wasn't there and probably wasn't at all tossing and turning or reaching for her.

XXXXXXXXXX

Spencer walked a lot that weekend.

He walked around his apartment, running his fingers along the spines of books on his floor to ceiling bookcases, and he walked around his neighborhood, hitting all his normal haunts like the coffee shop, library and park. He walked sometimes for hours. Lost in thoughts.

Thoughts about his past. He tried to decipher himself. He thought too much and made his head hurt. He stared at his cell phone too much too. Thinking about calling Emily. Or calling Morgan and confessing to this turn of events. He thought of calling Ethan and asking him if he thought Reid was capable of a healthy relationship. As a fellow genius who was blunt with his words Reid trusted his old friend implicitly. Ethan was smart enough to know the answer to almost any question- yet not as smart as Reid- but somehow Reid knew this answer was not going to come from someone else's opinion on him. It had to come from within himself.

To pursue Emily romantically, even in the slightest of ways, would be a making her a promise that he would open himself completely to her in ways he hadn't others. She was not just a woman he happened to meet and happened to trip into dating. She was his good friend. She was someone who was lonely and wanted him to take that ache away. That was asking for more than casual.

Neither could know if it would work but he couldn't start something unless he felt that he was able, if it did go well, to finish it. Meaning to stay open with her and keep moving forward. Not hit a wall like he had with his last girlfriend where she wanted him to promise her things that he couldn't imagine sharing with her. He didn't want to let Emily down in the way he had Samantha.

No matter how far he and Emily may go, one date or years together, it would not be casual because that would mean it was unimportant. That it could be taken or left behind, without it mattering much either way.

But he couldn't look at it that way- not with Emily.

He felt a protectiveness over her now. As if she asked him to save her and if he took her up on her offer he had to believe he had that ability. That he would not be a disappointment to her.

Years ago he feared not being able to please a woman in bed. When he proved to himself he could the fear became of first dates. Those awkward, strange, furtive forays into companionship. After he mastered first dates his fear shifted to relationships- to marriage, to being a partner that fulfilled the needs of another day in and out, to being a father or never being a father.

He was further along than maybe most thought. But he didn't feel caught up to his contemporaries when it came to understanding the male and female dynamic in a personal way. And if he was still so lacking...how could he be enough for Emily?

As their days off went by one thing became increasing clear: Spencer Reid did want to be enough for her.

He did want her. He did like that kiss. It intrigued him. Thinking back he could see maybe she had feelings for him for quite a while, though they could have grown stronger just recently. He would like an answer to that question. How long had she wanted him? How badly did she long for him?

He wanted to cover her with his body, his warmth and his security, and make her feel safe for a while. It was just about believing that he could keep maturing into someone who was good enough for her. Open enough with her. Brave enough for this.

It was a matter of courage and faith. Weightless as both those things are they have the power to change lives. They could change him, if he could harness them within himself.

If he could be courageous for Emily. If he could take a leap of faith for them. He wanted to. She wanted him to.

Surprisingly it was just that simple, in the end. He didn't resolve all the issues from his childhood or decide all the questions of his future. But he found that he was ready to go there with Emily...maybe together they would figure this out, figure him out, figure her out.

All because of a kiss. Is there anything more magical than falling in love? How it transforms a man. Spencer Reid felt wholly different on the last night they had off. Like he had fought a prize fight with himself and won.

Now it was time to go to Emily, pull her close, and let the loneliness seep away.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

After he knocked on her door, waited for her to walk up to it and look through the peep hole, something happened that made him have the thought: I should have called first.

He heard her let out a strangled groan and say "Oh, crap," then trip over something and say "Ouch! Shit!"

"Emily?" Of course he knew it was her but it seemed like the thing to say. Better than: I hear you in there so open up.

"Reid! What the hell? You can't call first?"

"Sorry."

She let out a growl of frustration and opened the door. The way she was standing revealed she had stubbed her toe. Looking down he could see that she had an umbrella holder that was tipped over. Her feet were bare. Her toenails painted red.

His eyes moved back up her body. She was wearing ratty pink sweat pants, the type that invariably had a word written on the butt, and a white tank top. Her hair was in a messy pony tail and the look on her face was somewhere between fuming and thunderous.

He winced and said "I can wait for you to change," which wasn't the thing she wanted to hear because she gave him a very narrowed eyed look that said he should speak fast before he was verbally smacked down. "Or not. You look great." He gave her a half smile as he nervously rocked on his heels. "So, yeah, can I come in then? Or should we figure things out right here in the hall?"

Her eyes widened some, as if her head was finally able to get past the fact she was dressed in grubby work out clothes and settle onto the reason that Spencer was standing in front of her.

She cried "Yeah! Sure! Come on in. Watch the umbrellas. I'll get those later."

He walked inside and looked around. "You painted."

The whole team had been there many times before. Emily liked to have wine and cheese parties but since Morgan and Garcia declared that boring they turned into wine, cheese and reality TV programs where everyone picked their contestant who they believed would get kicked off that week when the show started. Being profilers made the game even more interesting as some of them believed themselves to have the inside track on who would behave in what ways during the episode. But JJ, the one who wasn't even a profiler, usually won. Garcia usually lost-due to picking the guy she found cutest instead of best suited to win.

"Yep. It was time for a change."

"Green?"

"Moss and what's wrong with it?"

"Nothing. Its very mossy."

She rolled her eyes. "Would you like a drink?"

"Water would be fine."

"And I'll have wine."

They went into the kitchen. Since she walked in front of him he found out that her sweats did, in fact, have something written on the back of them: BCBG. He wondered what that might be code for.

She poured them drinks. He could tell she was very nervous. He oddly was not as nervous. Of course he knew what he came there to say and that she wanted to hear it whereas she had no idea what he might say. He could have come there to let her down easy.

He chuckled at that thought.

Though he had agonized over this he could see now that the idea of not pursuing Emily was completely ridiculous. She was an amazing woman. He had always known that. He always felt something lingering between them. Her desire for more of a friendship with from him. His weariness to be able to offer it. A push and pull that existed beneath the surface of their every interaction.

That was them working to get here. Looking back now it all seems obvious. But he didn't see it for what it was then. Not like he can now.

After he chuckled she asked "What's so funny?"

She stood there holding her wine. His glass of water was set on the kitchen counter.

"Us."

"We're funny, Reid? How so?"

"We're making things too complicated. I mean, of course, its complicated but it doesn't have to be this complicated." He moved in close to her and his voice dropped "Does it?"

He brushed a loose strand of her chestnut hair that had escaped her ponytail away from her face in a gentle lover's caress. She seemed to stop breathing. Her dark, deep brown eyes were wide as she stared into his eyes.

When she spoke she said "Just so you know, this time I'm not kissing you first."

"That's fine," he said as his mouth caught hers in a kiss much more sensual and exploring than the brief, sweet one they shared in Maine.

Right then he felt he was right where he needed to be. Emily might have known first. Spencer might have doubted he would ever know.

But when it happened for him it happened in an instant. He was kissing her, her warm and curvy body snuggling in close to his, as they tenderly learned each other's lips, tastes and tongues and suddenly he felt it all click into place.

It hadn't felt right with any woman before cause it wasn't supposed to feel right till this moment with this woman. That way- this man who some called oblivious- would be able to easily recognize the difference.

Funny how that works. Dr. Spencer Reid was glad to finally feel like he was starting to truly understand this thing called love.