Major Evan Lorne hovered awkwardly in the infirmary's doorway, waiting for the nurse on call to finish checking over Colonel Sheppard. He'd heard over the grapevine that their mission to retrieve the DHD crystal had been successful and he was eager to confirm the rumour, hoping to get offworld and start scouting planets. Not many people were aware of just how close his relationship with Elizabeth had been but in the long hours following the countless mission's that saw her flagship team stranded or in trouble, he'd been there to offer her comfort. They'd formed a strong bond. Nothing more than a platonic of course... but still, if there was even a slight chance they could bring her home he wanted to be on the front line.
Sheppard jumped off the infirmary bed, shrugging on his jacket as he met the waiting soldier by the door. "Major Lorne," he acknowledged the man with a sharp nod, "I take there's a reason you're standing here, aside from wanting to catch me with my shirt off?"
Evan smirked, taking a small amount of amusement from the suggestion, "yes Sir. I heard you managed to retrieve the DHD crystal."
John pressed his lips together in confirmation, surprised that the rumours had already begun to circulate. McKay had only been cleared -he glanced down at his watch- about ten minutes ago, that had to be a record. "Word travels fast," he commented roughly, starting down the corridor.
"We're all eager to start searching Sir," Lorne clasped his hand together, falling into step beside the Colonel, "in fact, I'd like to personally volunteer my team if a rescue mission is mounted."
"Let's not get ahead of our selves Major. There's no guarantee even if we locate the right planet that the Genii will still be there." John let the words fall pessimistically from his mouth. Even after Woolsey had agreed to send them back to the planet, any future plans of action had ached doubtfully in his chest and now that the city was abuzz with the 'good' news, he found it even harder to escape the suffocating feeling of daunting failure; everything was moving too fast.
"Permission to speak freely Sir?"
Lorne cut into his thoughts and he nodded, despite the overwhelming urge to deny the request. "You know you don't have to ask?" he commented casually, having never really grown comfortable with the level of respect his position demanded from those under his command. Being a Colonel didn't mean his life was any more important and it certainly didn't mean people should feel the need to sensor their opinions around him.
"I know, It's just that-" Evan paused, choosing his approach carefully, "well, you seem to be taking this remarkably calmly. I would've thought given what's at stake you'd be a little less reserved in... getting the ball rolling, so to speak."
John slowed, grinding his jaw as they neared the transporter. Everyone expected him to be the voice of optimism but he was way beyond portraying a facade for the sake of appearances. There was only so much forced confidence he could withstand before the lies started to taste bitter against his tongue. "Look," he waved open the doors with a sigh, "we both know the odds on this one, I'm just trying to be realistic."
"Since when?" Lorne stepped inside the small confined space refusing to buy into the weak excuse, "last time I checked 'achieving the impossible' was pretty much your personal mission statement."
John's face instinctively darkened at the suggestion. He wasn't a hero. As he tried to explain to the hologram of McKay when he'd been sent thousands of years into the future, the notion that he alone could save the Pegasus galaxy was sorely misplaced. He was the one who had woken up the Wraith, agreed to the testing on Michael, approved the first strike on the Replicator home world...
He was anything but a hero.
"Yeah, well... I think the time to renounce that has come and gone."
Evan shifted regarding the man carefully as he tapped their destination. His posture was tense exhibiting a defeated attitude and there were lines of stress cresting dark circles under his eyes. He looked tired, no scratch that, exhausted.
"When was the last time you got a full nights sleep?" he questioned, concern riding his features.
John shrugged. He was pretty sure he hadn't sustained longer than a few hours since Elizabeth had turned up in the computer system months ago but he was unwilling to admit that to the man standing beside him. "You know how it is-" he forced a smile, relieved when the doors to the transporter slid back open.
As they stepped out Lorne slipped his fingers under the velcro lining his vest pocket, "here take these-" he pulled out an orange vial, popping the lid and placing two pills in his palm. "Keller prescribed them, they should knock you out for a few solid hours."
John went to protest but changed his mind at the last second, taking the tablets from the Major's hand. Perhaps the rest would do him good, clear his head from the persistent thoughts haunting his dreams every time he closed his eyes. There was no denying his body could certainly use the forced release.
"Now that you mention it, I am kind of beat," he fingered the pills thoughtfully, "you mind keeping an eye on things for a while?"
"Anyone asks, I'll tell them you're helping out the Athosian's on the mainland." Lorne swallowed his surprise pleased to see the man actually taking his advice. He hadn't expected it, but he was relieved none the less.
John nodded, sliding his ear piece off and handing it over to the Major. He knew the distraction would see him interrupted before he even got close to his room and as much as he hated being unreachable, he was confident in Lorne's ability to determine the seriousness of a situation before disturbing him. "Just so we're clear, McKay's definition of an emergency is a little different to most people's."
"Duly noted." He watched the Colonel turn but reached out with a light grasp halting the movement. While he was hesitant to address any deeper issues, not wanting to overstep the boundary of command, he knew conceding to a little rest was only a temporary solution. Solving the real problem would take more than a couple of sedatives.
"You've probably heard this a million times before but it wasn't your fault-" Evan let his hand fall with full confidence behind the claim, "if Elizabeth didn't remember you, it's because of the Genii not because she doesn't want to."
A lump formed in John's throat as the Major casually dismissed his deepest fear, yet the words failed to bring him any comfort. Maybe her reluctance was primarily because of the Genii's influence but that didn't mean some part of her wasn't subconsciously pushing him away. If she did hate him, he certainly wouldn't blame her for it. "You can't know that for sure," he admitted quietly, allowing a brief flicker of honesty to fall from beneath his mask.
"Actually, I can." Lorne watched his CO's eyes flashed up in recognition of the statement and offered a reassuring smile, "I spoke with her unofficially in the interrogation room when she was inhabiting Fran's body. She expressed an unusual amount of concern for you, was worried that you blamed yourself-" Evan watched the words sink in before continuing, "there isn't one person in this city who would hold you at fault, you did everything you could and Elizabeth knows that."
John took a deep breath. It wasn't enough to erase his guilt and if anything, it only served to fuel his own self doubt. He didn't want forgiveness. In his opinion, he didn't deserve it. "I should-" he motioned over his shoulder trying to dispel some of the awkwardness's that had settled between them.
"Yes Sir." Evan gave a slight nod, watching his retreating form without further comment. The words clearly hadn't made the necessary impact but for now it was at least enough that his CO was taking some time out to regroup. Hopefully that would see him through until they received more news on Elizabeth.
**
**
Teyla gazed down at her son with warm eyes as he settled into her arms. The mission they'd recently returned from had been relativity easy by comparison but that didn't diminish her relief over being home and safe with her family. It was a strange new feeling. While she'd always been depended upon by her people it was a dispensable need, the obligation to her child was more than that. Every instinct spoke volumes, maintaining that whatever the cost and be it in her power, she would always return the life she had given birth to.
"He has not been this calm since you left." Kanan watched the pair with a soft smile, "I believe the bond between you is growing."
Teyla bounced the small bundle, raising her head as the door chimed behind them. "Would you mind?" she indicated towards the direction of the sound and he nodded.
"Of course."
Closing the distance between them, he placed a light kiss against her temple. Torren wasn't the only one who had noticed his mother's absence. He himself had been eagerly awaiting her return, hoping that no trouble reached the offworld team and praying they all made it home safely.
Squeezing her shoulder gently, he returned to his objective finding the current leader of Atlantis standing at the threshold of their room.
"Sorry to interrupt." Woolsey clasped his wrists lightly, "Teyla, may I have a word?"
She nodded, joining both men at the door with concern unintentionally prickling her features. It seemed she was getting far too good at assuming worst case scenarios lately. "Mr. Woolsey," she continued to bounce Torren up and down, "is there something wrong?"
Richard shook his head, "I just need your insight into a matter but only if it's convenient."
Kanan took the cue slipping his son from Teyla's arms, "I shall take him for a walk, he seems to like that." Meeting her approving nod he stepped from the room, returning his gaze to the child's suddenly alert eye's. They were alive with fascination, taking in all the new wonder and he smiled down at the boy. There was no denying he was his mother's child.
Teyla watched her family disappear with a feeling of ease, motioning for Woolsey to enter ahead of her. "You are looking for advice?" she questioned, following him across the broad space of her quarters. They were a decent size, housing plenty of room for a young infant but in time she mused sadly, her son would out grow the walls she had come to view so fondly.
Woolsey breathed out, unaware of her nostalgia as he readjusted the bridge of his glasses. The reason behind his visit was causing him a rather large amount of anxiety. Once again he found himself pulled into the tightly knit group residing in Atlantis and once again it threatened to impair his judgement. "Doctor McKay believes there are forty-six addresses possibly dialled by the Genii-"
"You are wondering whether or not it is prudent to stretch our resources?" She interjected, assuming it was the cause for his concern.
"Actually, no." Richard started to pace back and forth across the length of floor. While it was a reason that sounded like one he might give, it wasn't what had persuaded him to seek out her advice. "I've already granted the request to start searching for Doctor Weir. Despite not knowing the circumstances behind her appearance she's still a viable security threat, that's enough to warrant the cause."
Teyla frowned in confusion, "then I do not understand?"
"It's Colonel Sheppard," Woolsey pushed out getting straight to the point, "if we manage to locate the planet she's on, I'm worried he may be a liability to the rescue mission."
She nodded slowly, gaining a fuller comprehension of the situation. John's behaviour in the initial briefing over Elizabeth had left them all with unanswered questions and it hadn't improved after acquiring the DHD crystal. His attitude remained entirely complacent, treating the situation as if it were business as usual and she herself had been worried that he wasn't handling everything as well as he was leading everyone to believe.
"To be honest, I expected him to be a little more aggressive-" Richard stalled, searching her features for a reaction, "I don't think I've ever seen him so... calm before. It's a little disconcerting."
Teyla felt the beginnings of an internal dilemma start to rise. While she agreed with Woolsey's assessment, she found herself unwilling to speak negatively against her leader and bit down thoughtfully on her lower lip, "perhaps he is acting a little out of character but you can hardly punish him for taking a rational approach."
Richard considered the fact. She was right he didn't have a tangible reason to ground the man but that only made his instincts push harder. At least if Sheppard was tearing around angrily he'd have a firmer grasp of the situation. "So in your honest opinion, you think he's coping rationally with the development?"
Teyla opened her mouth to respond but the words fell short. Even though she wanted to defend John, there was doubt in her mind as to whether or not 'coping' was an accurate description.
Woolsey nodded at her silence, "that's what I thought."
"Let me speak with him," she suggested, not wanting to be the cause of such a large decision without at least having something more solid to offer, "if then I can still not confirm his emotional state, I believe that you will have your answer."
Richard gave a tight smile, grateful for her honestly over the matter. He knew it was hard for her to remain unbiased over the matter but he could see she understood his questions were in Sheppard's best interest "I know this isn't exactly easy but we're all working towards the same thing here."
She bowed her head in agreement and he motioned towards the door, "well, I guess I had better leave you to it."
They moved in unison and Teyla crossed her arms, leaning heavily against the wall as he stepped out into the corridor, "goodnight, Mr. Woolsey."
He offered a short wave and she watched him depart with a sigh.
Confronting John certainly wasn't going to be easy but if she were honest, it was well overdue. Since Torren's birth they had spent little time together outside of missions and as she and Ronon had previously discussed, he was not acting his usual self. Granted it had become harder to pick in the weeks that passed following Elizabeth's departure. He'd managed to pull himself together and after Rodney's degenerative illness his missing lack of compassion had even made a return but now her doubt rained down heavily with concern.
He was slipping again, only this time it appeared to be happening harder and faster.
"Teyla?"
Lorne gave a loose smile to the women hovering precariously in her the doorway and she immediately straightened. "Major Lorne, you haven't seen Colonel Sheppard by any chance?" He hesitated and she tilted her head in question, "it is quite important."
He acknowledged the comment, glancing down at his watch. Somehow a good seven hours had passed since he'd parted ways with the man and he slipped his hand back up into his pocket, fishing out the Colonel's earpiece. "He's in his quarters," Lorne handed over the small communications device, "but if you see McKay, the both of you just returned from the mainland okay?"
A smile twitched across her lips and she nodded in understanding, "of course."
"Let me know if he needs anything-" Evan offered, still wishing there was more he could do for the troubled Colonel but glad he had a subtle avenue for support. If anyone could get through to him, he knew it was the Athosian women.
Teyla let her body relax, silently showing her appreciation for the remark before he continued on his way. Whether John Sheppard was aware of the fact or not, he wasn't alone. The friends that surrounded him were in abundance and that made her plight all the more easy to undertake.
**
**
John snapped awake, fear rendering his body immobile as the darkness weighed down across his vision. The sound of heavy breathing pierced the small room and he blinked trying to grasp the situation. He'd been dreaming... no, having a nightmare.
Swallowing sharply, he reasserted muscle control lifting his hand to wipe the sweat coating his soaked brow. He couldn't remember exactly what he'd been dreaming just that the remnants left him riddled with panic and anxiety. He should've known better than to take sleeping pills, they always had the same effect drawing out the most vivid and terrifying hallucinations.
Rolling his wrist over he glanced groggily at the time surprised to find a solid amount had passed. Even though his mind still felt exhausted the rest had eased the strain on his weary body and he sighed, fishing himself from the tangle of damp sheets. There was no point trying to get any more sleep. If he was lucky, maybe they'd still be serving dinner in the mess.
A soft chime rang out through the room and he winced, running a terse hand through his hair. It was no doubt it was Lorne coming to check up on him and he pushed himself up, stumbling through the darkness until his hand found the sensor by the door.
It slid back with a whoosh and he frowned in confusion, "Teyla?"
Her eyes widened slightly with concern and he glanced down noticing the sweat patch tightening the material over his chest. "Give me a second, I'll just get changed-" he backpedaled, grabbing the pile of clothes that had been tossed carelessly on the floor, before moving swiftly into the bathroom.
Once again he let the bundle fall from his grasp, finding the mirror above the sink with distaste; he looked like shit.
Bloodshot eye's stared back from his dishevelled appearance and he turned on the tap splashing a handful of water across his face. He didn't think Teyla would appreciate it if he took the opportunity to shave so instead he hurriedly peeled off the layer of soaked clothes, replacing them with the crumpled ones from the floor.
It would have to do.
Mentally releasing the lock, he stepped out of the small room forcing a tight smile as he flopped down onto the bed, "stopping by for a social call?"
"Major Lorne asked me to return this," Teyla handed over the earpiece before hesitantly lowering herself to the mattress beside him, "and I wanted to come make sure you were okay?"
John nodded slightly, fidgeting with the small device between his fingers, "as you can see I'm perfectly fine, no need to worry." He knew she wouldn't buy into the dismissal and wasn't surprised when her hand landed softly against his shoulder a moment later.
"Mr. Woolsey came to speak with me earlier. He expressed a generous amount of concern over you-"
"Oh he did, did he?" John wasn't sure whether or not he was meant to be offended or touched by the insinuation, "well, I'm sure you set him straight..."
She remained silent and he pushed warningly, "Teyla?"
"I could not." The truth escaped reluctantly and she winced as he shot up from the bed.
"And why the hell not?" he raised his arm, flailing it with annoyance. Perhaps he wasn't exactly bouncing off the walls with enthusiasm but he was handling the situation, dealing with it as best he could and neither she nor Woolsey had the right to assume otherwise.
Teyla matched his height keeping her voice calm, "clearly you have not been sleeping well and given your lack of emotion towards finding Elizabeth, I don't believe the concern is unjust."
"Why-" hot anger rushed through him at the accusation, "because I'm not buying onto the whole 'it's really her' thing? Forgive me if I want to proceed with a little caution this time around."
She didn't blanch at his forceful tone, determined to stand firm in her resolve. If angering him was the only way to extract the truth then she would adhere to the sacrifice. "It's more than that. You have not appeared yourself in some time, not since we brought Atlantis to this new world."
"Well maybe I'm just a little bit sick of this whole save the galaxy crap!" The reason was far from the underlying problem but it wasn't entirely inaccurate. He was tired of losing people. Every step forward seemed to land them another two back and while he still believed they had a reason to fight, he was desperate to steer Teyla away from the real truth behind his withdrawal.
"You and I both know that isn't really how you feel-" she pressed sensing the lie, "if it was, you would simply pack up and return to earth."
"Believe me..." he let out a puff of frustrated air, "the thought has crossed my mind more than once."
Reacting to his stubborness, Teyla bowed her head preparing to change tactics. Bating him clearly wasn't working but perhaps a subtle threatning advance would draw out the honesty she was looking for. "Very well. If that is what you want I shall make my recommendation that you should not be included in helping to recover Doctor Weir."
Anger seethed within John as the weight of her words slammed him hard, "wait! That's what Woolsey came to see you about? You have got to be kidding me!"
Her face held no trace of amusement and he raised his head to the ceiling forcing himself to gain back some control. Until now he hadn't even been sure he'd wanted to join in the search but being robbed of the decision made his desire surge to the surface.
There was no way in hell he was staying behind while they went out to look for her.
"Teyla please, I'm sorry I-" he stopped, not even sure where to start.
She was right.
At some point he had hardened, closed off from the repeated blows they kept being dealt and for a short time at least, it had worked. Every risk they took, every sacrifice was swallowed down with numbness ensuring he could push through to the next problem without emotions getting in the way, but now he could feel the isolation eating away at him. It was like a dark vacuum expanding in his chest and there was nothing he could do to stop it.
"Do what you have to-" he staggered back, no longer having the energy or willpower to keep fighting. He was done.
Teyla felt her heart give way as he sunk to the bed. This wasn't what she'd been expecting and the guilt rose thickly in her throat. Perhaps if she'd approached the situation sooner she could have prevented this. "John..." she sat beside him, guiding her fingers lightly over his thigh, "we have achieved remarkable things, together. Atlantis, Ronon, McKay, we all need you."
A tight frown played on his lips, "great, so... no pressure?"
"You are a fighter, it is in you blood," she reassured him gently, "whatever you think you have lost it is still there, perhaps buried but you can find it again."
"How-" he sucked in a deep breath as the question scratched painfully against his throat. He didn't know how to go back, wasn't even sure it was possible... and as he found her gaze the slight whisper that broke his lips held pure desperation, more than he'd ever previously demanded from an answer, "how Teyla, how do I do that?"
The raw with pain in his eyes caught her off guard and she swallowed sharply. He was usually so confident and this new vulnerability was a fast blow that left her vision clouded with unshed tears but eventually she found her voice, conveying nothing but honesty, "with help. You are not alone John, together we can figure this out."
He bowed his head, allowing the show of support to ease the tension crushing his chest.
It was almost as if she had taken every one of his deepest fears and placed them calmly in her palm, dispersing the burden between them and for the first time in months it felt like he could breathe again. "I'm sorry," he admitted quietly, "I never meant-"
"I know." She smiled, brushing away the moisture dampening her cheeks with the back of her hand. He was shielding himself from pain, doing what he thought was necessary to survive and while there were certainly more productive methods, she didn't begrudge him the action. "Just promise me you will no longer keep everything to yourself," she pressed gently, "I can help but only if you allow it."
He blew out a long, steady breath. Opening up and acknowledging pain wasn't something he was accustomed to but he had little choice in the matter. Ignoring the problem was no longer working and if he wanted to rise from the consuming guilt then he had to do this, he needed to.
"Elizabeth was... I mean she-" he ran a frustrated hand down the side of his face, "Sumner, Ford, Carson... I couldn't stop any of it but I promised myself she'd be different, that I would keep her safe."
"There was no way to prevent what happened." Teyla regarded him sympathetically. There were many times she'd fought her own regret over not joining the mission to the Replicator home world but willing an altered outcome wouldn't change anything.
"There were hundreds of ways, I just didn't think of them," he lent forward on his knees with a bitter release of air. The scenario played out in his head over and over, little things he could have done, said... it was as simple as warning her away from the gate room when the city had taken off and to think something so small could have had such an impact was excruciating.
"I couldn't save her," he closed his eyes letting the next breath catch in his throat.
It was getting raw, too honest but she was the reason behind his self-destruction. Every life that had been lost under his command, from earth to Atlantis, had seen parts of him wither away and die but somehow Elizabeth had managed to restore fractions of that loss. She'd persisted in seeing him join the expedition, had shown complete faith not only in his capabilities but also his intentions and it had seeded the belief that maybe he was worth something, that he could make a difference.
He owed her everything and in return all he'd had to do was keep her safe.
"God, I didn't think anything could hurt this much-" he breathed in sharply through his nose, blinking back the hot sting of tears that choked his senses. He wouldn't cry but it was the first time he'd openly accepted the guilt and the feeling expanded painfully in his chest.
"You have not allowed yourself to grieve," Teyla pointed out softly, "it is necessary if you are to move forward."
He nodded, finding the discarded earpiece and flexing it absently between his fingers. She was right. When Elizabeth had remained behind on the Replicator planet her fate had been undetermined and denial had become his savior until the time for mourning had come and gone. He'd never dealt with it, not like he should have, and now history seemed to be repeating itself.
"Tell Woolsey I want in on the search." He found a new rise of determination from his past mistakes. If it was the uncertainty that had screwed him over then this time he would welcome the answers, at least then he could strive to find some sort of closure.
Teyla felt an undeniable relief at the once familiar spark, "you are sure?" she questioned, wanting to be absolutely certain she hadn't forced the decision upon him.
"Positive." He confirmed without hesitation, "I need to do this."
She bowed her head in recognition of the comment, "very well, I shall tell Woolsey he has nothing to be concerned about."
He dropped the earpiece, running his fingers down the length of his thigh as her weight lifted from the bed. "Teyla," he paused, finding there were few words to do his gratification justice, "thank you, for everything."
A smile touched her lips at the sincerity lacing his voice. She was now certain that whatever barrier had subtly come between them it had been removed and that was a large release from her own fears. "Just because I have new priorities John, it doesn't mean you are not still one of them. I am here if you ever wish to talk."
"I know-" he offered his own smile, watching her form retreat to the door and as she departed he found the room surprisingly less daunting than it had been in previous months. There were still doubts pressing heavily against his nerves but they were manageable, his emotions no longer suffocated by the four enclosing walls.
He could do this.
He would find Elizabeth and then he would deal with the situation.