As much as he hated to admit it even to himself, Reid knew that Bob had a point; standing around in that hospital, revisiting every moment of Noah's surgery and being surrounded by reminders of what had happened in the OR was doing nothing but damage to his already unstable composure. He'd taken off like a bat out of hell to say the very least, caring little who he bumped shoulders with or cut off as he stormed out of the hospital. He never even stopped by his office, instead heading straight to the staff parking lot and speeding out onto the road. Katie's was only a short drive from the hospital. He was actually relieved when he didn't see her car out front, knowing that he would be far from good company right now. He also knew that his temper was rapidly rising, something he didn't want to have to worry about with The Kid around.
Once inside the apartment, Reid threw his coat onto the couch and made a bee line for the bathroom, snagging up a towel from the closet along the way. A cold shower was just what he needed. It would hardly solve anything or improve the situation, but at the very least perhaps it would sober him up. He stripped out of his clothes and turned on the water, purposely turning the knob all the way to the right, allowing the water to pour out as cold as it could get. When he stepped in his body reacted with a jump, goose bumps covering his skin. He stood there, clenching his teeth and leaning his arm against the wall of the shower, forcing himself to get use to the sudden cold.
The apartment was silent. All he could hear was the water hitting the shower floor and the sound of his heart bounding rapidly against his chest. Reid couldn't remember ever being this upset over the results of an operation. Even when Annie had died and Reid had drank himself silly in his apartment, he still hadn't been this torn apart. Noah wasn't even awake yet, the damage was still unknown, and yet he was already falling apart. Why? he asked himself countless times, and over and over again he was brought back to the same answer.
"Damn it," he said harshly through gritted teeth, pounding a fist against the fall. Standing straight, he closed his eyes and leaned his head back, letting the cold water flow over him. The water stung his face but he didn't care. He focused on the pain, that tiny fragment of pain. He didn't want to think about anything else. Still, no matter how much he tried to distract himself his mind kept racing back, reliving the surgery, the near panic, the sight of Luke raging toward him, the hate in his eyes…
Reid opened his eyes and reached for the facet, turning off the water before wiping his face. He wrapped the towel around his waist and stepped out, running a hand through his wet hair and avoiding his face in the mirror as he walked out of the room.
Maybe it was because of the cold, or maybe not, but Reid felt…numb. He went through the motions of drying off, putting on some clean clothes, combing his hair, tying his tennis shoes. Once that was done he took to tidying his room. There was a pile of clothes beside the hamper from his failed attempts at tossing them from across the room, various snack wrappers littering the floor, and his desk was covered in un-filed paperwork. He set to work on these things, taking his time. He took as long as he could without obviously stalling before finally admitting that there was nothing more for him to. For a moment he considered getting something to eat, he could surely waste another twenty minutes easily making and eating a sandwich The problem was, he wasn't hungry. His stomach twisted at the very thought of food and Reid frowned, knowing that he was out of options. He succumbed to defeat and finally allowed himself to sit down, almost shaking again as he knew the moment he stopped moving he would start thinking about Noah and Luke again. Perched on the end of his bed, he folded his hands in his lap, staring with unfocused eyes at the dark carpet in his room. He traced the unintentional patterns, counted the number of shades of blue he could pick out, anything that kept his distracted. As before, though, this only lasted so long before he was forced to face reality again.
Reality, though, has a funny way of never being quite what you think it is. For something defined as being so cut and dry, there are so many interpretations to be made, so many angles to be examined before the true reality can be seen. As far as Reid was concerned, reality was that Noah may or may not have brain damage. Reality was that he was stuck at home while his patient lay in a hospital bed in the care of idiots who didn't know what they were doing. Reality was that right now Luke hated him, and reality was that probably wasn't going to improve regardless of Noah's recovery. This was Reid's reality, the truths he believed and understood as not only truths but as facts. He wasn't sure which of these truths was the most upsetting, and right now he didn't think he could handle trying to figure that out. If he had it his way he would just ignore it all, do his job and not let any of this get to him. However, Reid hadn't been getting his way all day; did he really think his luck would start now?
The sound of heavy knocking the front door broke Reid's lack of concentration. His first thought was Katie, but why would she knock on her own door? He stared out into the living room for a moment, debating if he should answer. Another knock. Finally he stood with a sigh, feeling every muscle in his body ache from exhaustion as he wandered into the main room. Again he hesitated though, reaching for the handle but not quite grabbing it. Pursing his lips he stared at the door, already knowing who would be there when he opened it and uncertain as to how he felt about it.
Sure enough when he finally opened the door it was Luke Snyder standing before him. He leaned on the door a little, remembering when he had come by Luke's place after the incident with Judd and recognizing the scene as being quite similar, except now their roles were flipped. Luke stood straight, his eyes tired but alert, and Reid gripped the door for support, afraid that if he let go he might just break.
"If you cam here to tear me a new one, I'm waiting," Reid said after a few moments of tense silence, his words lacking their usual spark. Luke shifted his weight uneasily, sensing Reid's disinterest in fighting, and recognizing the same feeling in himself.
"I didn't come here to yell at you," he frowned. "Can I come in?"
Reid stepped aside so he could pass, pushing it shut once they were both inside. Luke stepped out into the room, hands in his front pockets and his back to Reid, who crossed his arms awkwardly and looked down, unable to stand the sight of Luke, standing there just as he had the day before, and knowing how much things had changed in such a short span of time. Just yesterday they had come here together after arriving back from Dallas. They'd attempted to watch the game, talked about Noah, talked about them, and if it hadn't been for the absurd interruptions, Reid knew in his gut that they would have done much more than simply talked about having a relationship. Reid was a proud man and it had taken a lot for him to admit his attraction to Luke. Once he had, though, he couldn't help but pursue the boy, sensing that he wanted this, too. He'd meant it when he told Luke that he thought they had been starting something together. Now it seemed that whatever they'd been started would never get off the ground; it was dying before it even had a chance at life.
"What do you want, Luke?" Reid looked up cautiously, lips tightly together again. Luke had a less tense expression, which only made Reid feel even more uncomfortable. His eyes were sad, bereft of that light and passion that Reid had so completely fallen for. He wanted to know why Luke was here and not at the hospital, but the possibilities were ones he couldn't handle right now. Instead he continued to stare, silently urging the blond to say something, anything to break the ice.
"I'm not sure," Luke finally admitted. "Bob insisted that I go home," Luke began.
"He seems to be giving those orders a lot today," Reid intervened unhappily.
"Yeah… well, I did leave, obviously. I went back to the farm and went for a walk around the lake. All I could think about was Noah. I kept remembering our times together on the farm, and everywhere I looked, I saw him." Luke glanced up at Reid and could tell that this wasn't something he wanted to hear. Still, he knew he had to say it, had to explain in some way. "I started thinking about today, and being with Noah before he went in for the surgery. He told me that he was happy to have me there with him, because he doesn't have anyone else to turn to or to lean on right now." Across the room, Reid shifted uncomfortably and he had to force himself to keep listening to the words that he hated to hear. Luke frowned, sensing the pain in the other man. Taking a few slow steps forward he looked up at Reid. Standing only a few feet apart, he kept his eyes locked on him, forcing him to look back. "That's when I realized that I wasn't his choice. I was happy to be there, and I know he truly wanted me there, but I knew it wasn't because he wanted me. It was because he needed me. And I know I should have wanted that, that I should have been happy about this, but I wasn't. I thought about, what would I do if I were in his shoes? I thought about all the people in my life I could turn to, about how I'm lucky enough to have a choice. I thought about, if I was lying in that bed, knowing that after they put me out, I might never wake up, who would I choose to be at my side?"
His question hung in the air like smoke, drifting in echoes through Reid's mind. He stiffened a bit, trying not to think of an answer, refusing to get his hopes up.
"And what did you come up with?" Reid asked unsteadily.
"Well, I thought about my parents, and my siblings, and how I'd want all of them there. I thought about Casey, Will and Gwen, and all my friends. And yes, I thought about Noah, about how I'd want him to be standing there with them, telling me if would be okay," Luke replied. Reid could sense the 'but' coming up, and did his best not to gulp. "But I also thought about you, and how right now, if I was the one lying there, I would want you to be at my side, using that stupid sarcasm of yours to remind me that it was going to be okay in the end." He stepped forward, pulling his hands from his pockets and reaching for Reid's crossed arms, urging him to let them fall and gently taking his hands. For a moment they both stared at their interlocked fingers, memorizing the feel of each other's hands. Reid said nothing, so Luke went on.
"I thought about how if I had my choice, it's your hands I'd want to be holding on to before they took me in there, because I can't think of anything else that could make me feel as confident in myself as when you look at me, or when you show me that you want me." His voice cracked a little, his bottom lip quivering ever so slightly. He took a deep breath to steady himself, squeezing Reid's hands. "I told you yesterday that being wanted by someone like you, it's a compliment, and that's because for someone like you to have faith in me, it makes me feel like I'm worth having faith in at all."
"You don't give yourself enough credit, you don't need me to remind you what you're capable of," Reid said quietly, staring intensely at Luke's face now. They were slowly moving closer, whether they realized it or not.
"Maybe you're right, maybe I don't need you. But that's not the point…" Luke replied.
"Then what is the point?" Reid asked.
Luke paused.
"That I want you."
Again they both found themselves staring at each other, silence hanging over them. Reid could feel the sweat on his face again and neither could deny the tension that was building, and at rapid speed, between them. The room seemed to spin and Reid knew that if he didn't act now, he would certainly lose it. He released Luke's hands and eagerly cupped his face, pulling him into a kiss similar to their first. This time, however, he didn't hold anything back, pressing himself against the other man and hungrily moving his lips. Another difference was that this time Luke responded, wrapping his arms around Reid and urging them closer, if that was possible. His lips moved over Reid's frantically, finally allowing all the pent up desires he'd been fighting for days to come flooding out.
Mutually breaking the kiss they stood there, arms still holding each other closer, and rested their foreheads together as they lungs attempted to catch up.
"I thought you said we would only kiss again if I wanted to," Luke said with an airy laugh. Reid, still cupping Luke's face, leaned back and grinned at him.
"And here I thought I was suppose to be the smart ass?"
"Shut up," Luke laughed, claiming Reid's mouth with another kiss.