Disclaimer: I do not own anything associated to Pokémon
Besides almost losing you for not believing who I was, all of yesterday was just a dream come true, us walking together, talking together, playing together, fighting together, and eating together
Besides almost losing you for not believing who I was, all of yesterday was just a dream come true, us walking together, talking together, playing together, fighting together, and eating together. And I inwardly giggle when I remember how I snuck up on you when you were nice and cozy in your sleeping bag at night, and I know it took you a while to feel fully comfortable with my new self but you surly did it rather quickly.
Right now is just as wonderful as we continue to circle around the forest in our attempts to find the nearest town, where the rest of our crew is waiting probably not too patiently. Though, it is wonderful walking here besides you, listening to you jabber on about old battles and new battles to come and about your goal about being the best, I have to admit that I am starting to tone you out.
It's not my fault really, it's just... It's just you talking about your goal has made me remember mine and how I have failed to complete it properly. As every little second counts, I am becoming more and more frustrated. There's something inside of me, something that I think is going to burst if I don't come out and confess soon. It's overwhelming, this feeling that I feel in the pits of my stomach. The feeling that's churning the acids or guts or whatever there is inside there. It just makes me feel horrible and pained yet strangely excited.
"Ash…" I say nearly silent, but I know you heard me as I see you stopping your step. You were probably planning to stop anyways, as you must have notice when I began to lose my step. "Ash, I need to tell you something." I say loosing your stare as I revert back to my skittish demeanor, facing the floor as I did before.
"What is it?" You ask obviously concerned, I can hear it in your out of character, gentle voice. After not managing to say anything I can hear your steps as you begin to find your way to me. I can let that happen though. If you get any closer I may lose this very little courage I have in me. I may blurt out some nonsensical jabber that I could care less about. I have to do it now, before I lose my nervous once more, before I may never have the strength to get this far again.
"Ash." I say abruptly, while lifting my head. Luckily, my sudden motion surprised you enough to stop you in your tracks. As long as we keep this distance, I may have the chance. "Ash…I…" I stutter out several times until it seems that your patience is shot as you start walking forward once more. The cracks of the leaves you're stepping on, on your way over to me wake me up and again I shout out unexpectedly. "I love you."
"What?" You ask mid-step, my out of the blue words, catching you off guard again.
"I love you." I say again, much more easily this time around. This time I didn't stutter or shout and look away. I said it, just as I had always wanted, straightforward while looking right at you, smiling. Smiling, because I was finally able to tell you something that had been in me, eating at me for years.
"Oh." You say smiling back. Smiling back! I can believe it, you smiled back. Just like I had hoped, just how I wished, just how I dreamed. "Well, I love you too." You say so simply. I can't believe it took me so much trouble to say this to you, when you say it in return with no trouble at all.
"Really?" I ask walking slightly closer, nearly desperate; needing the reassurance after all I had been through to just get here.
"Yeah." You say happy and chipper, this of course makes me so incredibly excited, both inside and out. So, excited that I really can't help but go over to you and fulfill another one of my dreams.
"Really, Ash?" I say walking closer to you, my hands balling up towards my chest as I reach you. "I'm so happy." And with that, my hands that were kept safely near me find their way to your shoulders, and lips that held a content smile, find their way to yours.
Now, I truly can't believe that this could ever happen, that this is happening. Right now, right at this moment. My hands and lips, touching you, ever so softly. You're not reacting, you're not kissing me back, but that's to be expected. I've been prone to surprising you recently. But, ahh, how marvelous this is. How I've desired this. To be this near you, your warm slightly moist lips on mine. I could just melt right here, I already feel warm and gooey. And it's getting so hard to hear, the sound of my heart beating so fast is deafening and overwhelming. And now that I feel you moving your arms, I could die.
You raise your arms and place your hands over my own hands that still reside on your shoulders. I'm so happy that you're finally reacting to my kiss, and so sweetly too, until…you decide to surprise me.
Your hands that gently cover mine tighten around them, and before I get a chance to beam about your loving gesture, your gently hands become forceful as you push both me and my hands off of you.
"What are you doing?" You ask, nearly in shouts as you touch your lips with the tips of you fingers.
Despite your harshness, I smile softly and attempt to approach you again, until you lift a hand, signaling me to stop.
"What were you doing?" You ask, obviously confused, with your crinkled brows.
"Ash." I say, as I watch you bring your arm back down.
What do I do? You're looking at me, expecting an answer. Should I explain or try to show you again? You've put your arm down and now that you've experienced it, you won't be as surprised, right? I just confused and shocked you again. I've been doing it all day yesterday and now too. That must be it. You just needed it to register fully in your mind.
With my desperate thought I again begin to take steps towards you, and my assumptions must be right seeing as your arm has not been raised.
"Ash, I was just- instead of letting myself finish and explain, I instead decided in one quick implosive move that I should show you.
Again, my hands land on your shoulders and my lips on yours. They were just as soft and sweet as before. It was like a replay, just not one that I could intentionally enjoy. For I, was correct on one aspect of my assumptions. You certainly had my actions registered into your mind. And because of this, I did not have time to take pleasure in my desire, for this replay was much harsher, if possible.
"Pikachu! What are you doing?" You ask, now truly in shouts after tossing me aside, my fortuitous sense of balance being the only thing to catch me before I fell to the hard ground.
"Ash, I…"I managed to say, as I stayed in my semi-hunched form while my eyes lingered over you. Hoping for some kind of sign in you, a sign saying that everything was fine. But, that's not what I find. Your eyes are drowned in confusion as you stand before me, critically looking down at me, waiting for me to explain. "Ash, I just kissed you," I finally say, standing up straight with an attempted smile
"Why?" You ask your voice much calmer then before.
Why? Why? How? How could you ask? How could you honestly ask me that? I thought, I thought I made it obvious. It thought I made it all obvious. And you agreed. You agreed. I know you did. I heard. I thought I heard. No. I did. I know I did. After years of wishing, I would know if you said it. I would know. I would know. It's something that I would plant into my mind forever.
"You said you loved me…" I say as pitifully as I've ever sounded. "You did. Didn't you?" as pitiful as I could ever imagine sounding. Luckily, however, this seems to trigger something in you that leaves me with hope, as your eyes become soft once more, and your shoulders droop down to a more casual position, and if I look closely there could also be a faint smile.
"Yeah, I did." You say to me, your tender smile becoming more apparent. Mine, joining you as well, and my eyes I can feel also begin to brighten once more. "But not like that." And with that simple statement…my world stopped.
I know you worry about me, I know you care for me, and I know that you maybe even love me, but...but not like that.
Stopped. It was as if all the clocks in the world stopped ticking. As if the earth stopped spinning. As if the sun stopped setting. It just stopped. Just completely stopped.
But not like that.
That statement. That simple stupid statement that I even said myself is running over and over in my head, eating away at my mind "But not like that" I can hear you saying it, again and again. "But not like that" How justifying of you to use the exact same words. "But not like that" I don't even know how long I've been standing here, repeating the words. I know your still there. Standing in front of me, but it's like I don't see you. Like, I can't. I can hear you though, and not just the words that are being driven into my mind. But, I can hear the faint sounds of you shifting your position.
"Pikac-
"Why?" I shout out with a couple of tears finding their way out, knowing perfectly well that I had interrupted you.
"What?" You ask dumbfounded causing me to become more irritable and frustrated.
"Why?" I ask, with more water coming out. "Why not like that? Why?" I ask, making me wonder that if I had found my recent act of desperation pitiful, then what would this possibly be considered.
"Pikachu, you're a Pokemon." You say looking at me sadly. "And I'm a person. That's just…that's just not right."
No. You can't use that. It's not true anymore. It's not. You're looking right at me. You know it's not. "But, I'm not." I say, taking a look at myself to make sure that it is still true. "Ash, I'm not anymore. I'm human now. I'm human." I shout, pounding on my now human chest.
"Yeah, but…" You stutter while I wait as patiently as possible for you to continue, which is not an easy task for my heart is leaping out of me. "But, you're not even supposed to be. You're supposed to be a Pokemon not human." You pause, waiting for me to reply, but I stay silent with the exception of the sniffles that make subconsciously. "Besides, Pikachu. Even if you were really human, we're both-
"Boys…" I say interrupting you, my gaze leaving you for the first time in a while.
"Yeah, I mean. All three things, they're just-
"Forbidden…" I say completing your statement once more. No longer caring that my heart was pounding uncontrollably, no longer caring about the tears that wouldn't stop soaking my cheeks. No longer caring that my hands, no, my whole body was shaking. "Forbidden…" I repeat softly, mainly to myself. "Everything about me is forbidden, isn't it?" I ask rhetorically, still looking down at the ground.
"Pikachu…"
"Nothing I do will ever be right, will it?" I ask looking up at you, my eyes red and pouring. "Nothing will be good enough." I say finding my voice. "After everything, it's still wrong." I say louder, now truly grabbing your attention.
"Pikachu…" You say softly, taking a small step closer to me.
"After all I've done for you." I say, watching you take another step. "It's still not good enough."
"Pikachu…" You say gently reaching out to me.
"Don't touch me!" I shout out, forcefully pulling away from you. How dare you just say that you could never be with me because everything about me is wrong and forbidden and then try to come up to me and make me think that everything is okay? Because I'm supposed to do what you tell me to, right? I'm yours. I'm your property. I'm your servant.
"After everything I've done for you!" I yell at your face.
"Pikachu, I'm sorry." Sorry…sorry…that word holds nothing for me.
"Ash, I do everything for you!" I continue to yell, blinking countless, the tears that are gathering up in my eyes making it difficult to see. "Ash, I listen to you, I fight for you, I did this…" I look down at my new body. "For you. I turned human for you." I look down once more, balling up my fist and closing my eyes shut tight. "I live for you."
"Pikach-
"Ash, I'd die for you!" I shout out, lifting my head up as fast as possible and stare at your face. My attention being caught by a moist spot on your cheek, that's making me wonder if you could also be crying in such a moment. But as I scan upward to your eyes and see them worried, yet water free, I realize that that moist spot was my own tear that flew onto you when my head was raised. Being disappointed yet again, I can no longer stand looking at you, and my head again drops. "But, it doesn't matter." I say silently. "Everything about me…it just…it just doesn't matter." And with that I run.
I run. And don't stop. I can't. I can hear you. You're yelling out my name, telling me to come back. But can't. And I won't. Not now. Not after everything I had ever dreamed and hoped for was scattered in mere minutes.
I can't feel my legs anymore. They've surpassed even the pain of my throbbing muscles reaching into nothingness. The poundings I bring upon them to bring them back to life go unanswered, except they shake. But, they were already shaking. Shaking, so uncontrollably that once I stopped the pounds, my legs brought shivers through out my entire body before they gave up, no longer being able to support my weight.
So, as I use my hands to scoot myself over to a rock to use as my support, I attempt to calm down my breathing. But as the seconds go by, the excruciating pain of my lungs burning cause me to gasp deeper and deeper. The pain would have probably brought tears to eyes any other night, but tonight…I think I'm drained. There can't possibly be any more water within me.
I wrap my arms around myself as my breathing begins to die down and I bring my knees up to my chest after the feeling came painfully back. I try my hardest to keep my mind blank. The physical pain I'm feeling is enough for me to handle right now. I don't need to be bombarded with emotional grief as well.
"But not like that"
But as I fail at everything that truly matters, I fail to keep my mind clear for long. The words you carelessly uttered to me rush back, causing me to remember everything I was trying so hard to forget. Making the longest run of my life and the pain my lungs and legs feel almost meaningless. But at least it got me away from you. You and your hair, smile, back, touch, eyes, laugh, breath, everything. Everything that used to make me feel glad and made my heart pound. Everything that now, like the water did before, makes me feel distressed and sad.
"But not like that"
My hands ball up into fists as I shut my eyes tight, cringing. I make myself believe that the tighter I keep my eyes, the more this day will be forgotten. My tightening of both my hands and eyes seem to fail as well. Only now the pain of my nails digging into palm is added into the mix.
After moments of keeping everything in, my eyes burst open, remaining and forgotten tears running, and I release the heaviest gasp my body was able to create. I never realized that I had stopped breathing. I clinch and grind my teeth as I shake my head violently, physically arguing with my eyes to stay dry. I don't want to cry again. I didn't even think I could. How much can a person…can a person cry?
As I sit staring straight ahead, breathing through my opened mouth and begin to wet my shirt with my crying eyes, some rustling to my side breaks my attention. I gasp loudly once more, this time from the surprise I felt from the noise that disrupted my quiet despair.
Looking to the source of the sound, I find myself staring into eyes that aren't too different from my own, just a tad bit different from when I look at myself, my former self. And they look back at me, as if it knew. "Pichu." he says, tilting he's head slightly to the side. And for the first time in what seemed so long I smile, I smile through my glassy wet eyes.
"Hi." I say in a near whisper but I know the small pichu heard me as he smiles and begins to wave both arms in the air joyfully.
"Pichu pichu pi pi pichu." He says as it continues to wave.
"What?" I ask, scrunching my eyebrows. He smiles once more before continuing to speak. He just keeps jabbering on and on freely. While I initially enjoy his blabbing for its fun and cute, I soon begin to realize something highly important to me. "I don't understand you." I say mostly to myself, though I know he heard me clearly, for he soon stopped speaking.
"Pichu?" He says softly when I take my eyes off him, as I turn back to the dark forest I was looking though before.
"I don't understand you." I say louder this time, still facing forward, towards the shadows. "I don't understand you!" I yell as the tears that had momentarily dried begin flowing once more. "I don't understand you." I say in a normal tone facing back to my former brethren, to find him gone. My yelling must have scared him off. And now. Now he's gone, now he's lost.
"I lost everything." I whisper to myself as I sweep my fingers through my hair before taking hold of my head. "I lost everything." I say, resting my head in my hands that are resting on my lifted legs.
"Come back..." I plead quietly, my head still in-between my hands and legs. "Come back." I say louder. "Come back!" I scream as loudly as my now coarse voice can manage as I finally snap my head up towards the heavens and begin to pick myself up.
"Please! Come back!" I yell, trying my hardest not to fall back on the ground as my legs wiggle below me. "Please! If you can hear me, please come back!" I continue to yell even though I feel this is all in vain. "I need your help!"
"I need your help again….please…" I say, stopping my yells and returning to my normal voice.
She's not coming back. She's not coming back. I don't know where she went; I don't even know where she came from. What's the chance of her coming to me again, if there was such a little change of her coming to me at all? I've lost my chance at everything, I've lost everything, and I don't think I'll ever get it back. If only she could hear me, where ever she may be. "Please..." I plead quietly once more, my water filled eyes turning down toward my shaking knees.
"Pikachu…"
What? It can't be. I know I heard it. Someone calling out to me, just right behind me. I know I heard my name clearly. Can it really be her? Can it really?
As my breath becomes faster the normal, I slowly gained enough courage and strength to turn myself around. With my blurry vision I was still able to make her out completely. There she was just as before, standing there with her flowing white skirt and orange hair that never managed to stop moving. Just like before she used her hand to grab some of the flowing hair and pushed it gently behind her ear, making her soft face much more visible. Now being able to see her face more clearly, it begins to bring me another wave of turmoil. Instead of the happy, joyful expression her face held the fist time I met her, she holds one of sadness.
"Pikachu…"
"Please…" I say, slowly managing to make my way over to her. "Please, change me back." I beg, my fingers interlocking as I bring them up to my chest. "Please."
"I can't." She answered simply and softly, bring her gaze slightly down as she shook her head.
"Please, you have to change me back, please." I say, directly in front of her, forcing her to look me in the eyes.
"Pikachu, I can't" She answered, her voice quivering as her head shook. "I just can't" She said with a tear rolling down her sad face.
"No." I say loudly, refusing to believe any of it. "You have to." I say grabbing hold her arms, shaking her lightly, "You have to." I continue pleading and shaking as she continues to say no with her head, "You have to change me back, please!" I manage to say in rolling sobs, causing my throat to now throb as well.
"I can't, the change was supposed to be permanent, Pikachu, I can't" She says, now truly crying along side me.
"But, there has to be a way, isn't there? Isn't there always a way?" I beg, letting go of her arms and throw my arms around her instead, in a tight embrace. She stands perfectly still as I latch onto her, not knowing what to do. She just stands there, her arms slightly raised, not moving, not saying a word, just sounds of her sniffles are heard. "Isn't there?!" I say shaking her as I continue to hold her.
"It's not supposed to be allowed." She finally answers, so rapidly that I wasn't even sure I had hear it correctly.
"Nothing about me is supposed to be allowed!" I yell out my best argument, as I slide down to my knees, my body being too exhausted to hold me up for much longer, but my arms never letting go of her waist. "Please…" I say quietly, giving my last plea as she continued shaking her head and placed her sobbing eyes into the palm of her hands.
"Geez, Ash. If we didn't come back to find you, you would have been lost in here forever." She said helping pack things. "Are you ready to go?" She asked you as you continue to stand unmoving, just staring start into nothingness.
"Ash?" Said the taller boy, finally waking you up from your sleep.
"Huh?" you ask, turning to him, making it obvious that you were not paying attention to a word they were saying.
"Ash." The other boy repeated looking quite troubled. "Did you ever find him?" He asked looking sadden, the girls expression matching as well.
You switch your glaze from the group, back to the vast forest and after a few seconds that felt like a few years, you turn back and nod sadly. "No." You say, taking hold of your backpack and flinging the straps over your shoulder. "Let's go." You say, beginning to walk ahead. The other two following reluctantly after sharing concerned expressions.
"Pika Pi!"
You stop in your tracks and stand there, not knowing if you truly heard something or your mind was playing tricks on you. As you continue to stand there, unmoving, the other two turn around before you and smile happily. And of course wanting you to witness the joyous occasion, the older boy then places a heavy hand on your shoulder, snapping you out or your trance.
You turn ever so slowly. I never knew you could turn so slowly. You were always one of rash movements. But when you finally turn completely, our eyes instantly lock. They lock so quickly, so rapidly, as gravity some how found a way form them to pull them to each other. And so you take a step towards me and then another and then another, our eyes never once let go of each other.
You stand in front of me now, not knowing what to say. You just look at me; stare at me, study me. "Pikachu…" You ask in a mere whisper, as I answer in with my infamous nod and a sad smile.
You smile back at me, a small one at first that gradually becomes a true beam. "Come on." You say to me still in a quiet voice as you turn around and start walking slowly towards the group. You walk so slowly, as if afraid that I will disappear. It wasn't until you felt weight on your shoulder that you began to walk at your normal pace.
"Together forever, right?" You ask me, your eyes shinning with hope.
"Pika." I say with a nod, that some replying being enough for you as you nod back then turn back to the group.
Together forever. I promised that a long time ago too, didn't I? And that's why I can't leave. That's why I can never leave. Never, no matter how much it hurts to be near you, to hear you, to see you, to feel you, to love you. I promised to be here. After everything, I'm still yours.
I don't really know when my hate for you became something else, all I know is that it was sometime after that faithful first day. But, can you ever really feel it back? No, I don't think so. Not like that. Oh, the pain of forbidden love.
-Well, that's it, I finally finished it. The funny thing is I started to write this chapter during valentine's day, so I was like "Wow, I'm crushing this innocent little boy's heart on valentine's day" The rest I didn't have a chance to finish until Spring break.
-I wonder if anyone else just wanted to punch Ash at the face after this for making Pikachu cry, because no one makes Pikachu cry without a few punches to the nose, but that's just what I say.
-And lastly, I want to thank all the people who read this, I know people read it, just none of you left reviews, tsk tsk. Now, even though that would have been highly appreciated, I'm just happy you read and maybe even enjoyed Pikachu's journey to heartbrokenness.