Chapter 22 Nine months later…

"Luke, come on!" Lorelai bellowed from the living room. She waited a few minutes before yelling again. "Luke! What the hell are you doing up there? You don't primp. You don't shave. And I've seen the closet – nothing but flannel as far as the eye can see! Hurry up! They'll be here any minute!"

"I know. Keep your pants on!" Luke yelled from upstairs.

"That's what got us into this mess in the first place," Lorelai mumbled, rubbing her hand absent-mindedly on her fat, pregnant belly. She was sitting on the couch in the living room with her feet propped up on a pillow that was on top of the coffee table.

"I heard that!" Luke yelled downstairs.

"I have no idea how your daddy does that," Lorelai said, talking to her unborn child. "You'd better watch it. With his supersonic hearing and my Kreskin-esque ability, you'll never have a shot at getting yourself into any trouble!"

"Who are you talking to?" Luke asked as he ran down the stairs buckling his watch as he ran.

"The baby," Lorelai said.

"And how's our little slugger doing this morning?" Luke asked, leaning down to affectionately touch the baby bump.

"Oh, we passed by morning a few hours ago," Lorelai said, breathing deeply. "This baby has been boogying down since four. That must be after Daddy, cause I am so not an early riser."

"Nothing wrong with that," Luke said. "But I'm sorry you didn't get much sleep."

"It's the final stretch," Lorelai said. "I hope, anyway. If I get any bigger, I swear, the baby's going to be big enough to walk down the birth canal!"

"You've never been more beautiful."

"You're a wonderful liar," Lorelai said as Luke leaned down to kiss his wife.

"They're here," Luke said, looking out the living room window.

"What?" Lorelai said.

"You've been yelling that they'd be here soon, and they're here." He saw Jess and Rory's car pull into the driveway and rushed outside to meet them.

"Well, I was only saying that to light a fire under you. I didn't think they'd get here this early. Wait! Wait, I can't move that fast," Lorelai said. "Come back. Please, Luke. Come on, I can't even get up!"

"Lorelai, I am sorry," he said, coming back inside to help his wife to her feet.

"Thanks. Come on, let's go. They're here!" Lorelai waddled outside onto the porch as Luke hopped down the steps to help Jess and Rory in with their bags.

"Hi, Mom!" Rory exclaimed, running across the yard and up the front porch steps to hug Lorelai. "Oh, my God, you're huge! Hi, little baby," Rory said, kneeling in front of her mother and hugging and kissing her stomach. "Hello! I'm Rory. I'm your big sister. I'm here now, so you can come out now! Come on, make our mommy happy and be born!"

"This kid's dying to get out of here," Lorelai said. "I'm just not so sure about it's sense of direction. I'm trying to talk it into traveling south, but I think it's following the sound of my voice. I think that there're claw marks in my uterus. Come here. Give Mommy a hug. Aw, kid, I've missed you!"

"I've missed you, too, Mom," Rory said.

"You moved to New York, not New Delhi," Lorelai said. "You could come home whenever you want, sweetie, you know that."

"I do, but I can't come home all the time, otherwise you would never get the chance to miss me!"

"You're not fooling me. You and Jess have a great, young life in New York. You don't need your fat mother anymore."

"I'll always need my fat mother," Rory said, smiling.

"Your mother's not fat," Luke said. "She's been keeping our baby safe and warm in her uterus until he or she is ready to be born."

"Aren't you the proud Papa," Jess said to Luke with a smile.

"He paid way too much attention during our prepared childbirth class," Lorelai said with a smile. "He took notes, he's been reading Mr. Spock and What to Expect When You're Expecting, and I've caught him studying!"

"That's Dr. Spock, Lore. Anyway, it's good to see both of you," Luke said, punching Jess in the arm. "Thanks or coming home. Lorelai refused to give birth without Rory."

"So, when is she ready to pop?" Jess asked.

"She was due two weeks ago. Two very long, extremely hot, craving-full weeks ago."

"Yeah, but the cravings have been fun. Sookie's thinking of writing a pregnancy cookbook and we might be adding some new dished to the menu.

"Mom, why didn't you let the doctor induce labor? We were ready to come home as soon as you needed us."

"Nope."

"Nope?"

"No induced labor. No drug of any sort until the nice anesthesiologist brings me my epidural."

"Really?"

"Really."

"So you haven't had any caffeine? At all?"

"Nope. No coffee and no chocolate. I want this baby to be perfect, just like you were."

"So, when are you going to have your first cup of coffee?" Jess asked.

"As soon as I can drink liquids. I thought about breastfeeding, but another year or so without coffee? No way! God, this pregnancy has been the longest nine months in my life!"

"Even longer than when you had me?" Rory asked.

"Well, yeah. Rory, I didn't know I was having you until my fourth month, and I hadn't developed my coffee addiction, so I don't think I felt the same when I was pregnant with you. Besides, I was 24 years younger then!"

"And you really didn't find out if I'm having a sister or a brother?"

"No. You were a surprise, and little Pippi or little Sport will be a surprise, too."

"Little Pippi or Sport?" Jess asked. "You're kidding, right?"

"We're still fighting about names," Luke explained.

"Please. Keep fighting. I don't want my little cousin to get picked on."

"You just shush," Rory said. "Hey," she said, smiling factiously, "you could always go with Lorelai."

"But I did that already," Lorelai pointed out. "Your name is Lorelai, remember?"

"Look at George Foreman," Rory retorted. "He's got at least six sons, all named George."

"We're not going to name the baby Lorelai," Luke and Lorelai said in unison.

"At least you agree on that," Jess said.

"Come on, Mom, come back inside and sit down. You must be exhausted."

"Oh, kid, you have no idea."

"Well, what names are you fighting over?" Jess asked.

"We've each got two names picked out, one for each, but our stubbornness is rearing its ugly head."

"And are you going to share with the class?"

"I like Addison for a girl and Colby for a boy," Lorelai said.

"And you don't," Rory said to Luke.

"Since I had to give up caffeine, I gained thirty-seven pounds, and I'm the one pushing the child out of my vagina," Lorelai said, "my vote should have more weight. And speaking of weight, at my appointment last week my doctor estimated the baby's weight to be nine and a half pounds, give or take a couple ounces."

"She does have a point," Rory said. "Look at her, Luke. She's huge and miserable. Come on, let her name the baby! She did fine with me."

"She likes the name Addison because she likes that Grey's Anatomy show," Luke said. "I don't think we should name our daughter after a television character. And Colby is fine for a little boy or a dog, but it doesn't sound like a name for a man."

"But we're having a baby, Luke, not a grown-up. And definitely not a dog! If you think the name Colby sounds like a dog's name, it can never be our baby's name!"

"Well, what about you?" Jess asked Luke. "What names do you like?"

"Well, I like the name Kathryn for a girl, after my mother and William for a boy, after my dad."

"Both nice, traditional family names," Rory said. "They're strong names. Katie and Billy are both good nicknames, and when they're older, we can call them Kate and Bill. Or Will."

"But I'm not nice and traditional," Lorelai said. "You know that. I am crazy and unconventional."

"You'll work it out," Rory said. "You'll compromise like you always do and whatever name you choose, my baby brother or sister will have the perfect name."

"Okay, enough baby talk. Come on and sit down, both of you. Talk to me, please, about anything that does not have to do with babies. So, Jess, how's work? Think you've read any future best-sellers?"

"I've read some good stuff, but unfortunately, most of the stuff I've read is a bunch of crap. It's too bad I don't get to pick what we publish! Actually, it a good thing that I don't pick what we publish, since then we'd be out of business."

"He's working on a new book," Rory said proudly.

"It's a children's story," Jess said. "It's nothing."

"It's sweet and it's not nothing!"

"You're biased."

"And you're pigheaded."

"You two sound like your mom and me," Luke said. "You and Jess are too young to sound like an old married couple."

"Whoa! What the hell is that?" Jess said, jumping up from the couch and away from Lorelai and the rush of water that was coming out of her.

"Mom, oh my God. It's time! You're having the baby!"

"Either that or I just wet myself! Oh, baby, you have no idea how happy I'll be to get you out of me! I can't wait to finally meet you. Luke, come on. We've got to go to the hospital. We're going to have our baby!"

"Luke? Hey, man, are you okay?" Jess asked.

Luke was frozen in place, unable to move due to the shock of reality. He had always known that he wanted to have children with Lorelai. He was thrilled when they got pregnant and he knew that Lorelai would give birth to their baby, but he didn't expect to feel so afraid of their baby. He was amazed that something so small and helpless could evoke such a feeling of fear in him. He thought about the birthing video that he and Lorelai watched in class, about the blood and the screaming, and about the goo-covered baby. He'd been concentrating so much on Lorelai and the pregnancy that he sort of forgot that when the baby was born, that there would be an actual baby. Babies are so little and fragile and they cry, poop, spit up, and pee constantly.

He'd never been involved in the baby stage. When Jess lived with him, he was a teenager, he inherited full-grown and fully functional April and, like Rory, was born with the maturity of an adult. He rarely babysat Doula and even then got to give her back. Now, he was the dad. He needed to be responsible for a family now and he was scared to death.

"Luke!" Jess yelled, punching him hard in the arm. Jess had Lorelai's bag slung over his shoulder.

"Where is she, Jess?" Luke asked, looking at the wet and empty couch. "Where's Lorelai?"

"She and Rory are in our car. Come on, man, you have got to snap out of it. It's baby time and Lorelai needs you. Come on, Luke. Come outside and get in the car now. I'm driving you both to the hospital."