Betas: ashcat (here at fanfiction[dot]net ) and txilar (at livejournal[dot]com).

AN: Thank you very much for your awesome comments and critique. I read them all and am grateful you take the time to do read and leave a response.

Chapter 8: The Measure of Feeling

You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.
-Unknown

Iruka simply could not help staring at Kakashi. He was vaguely aware that his fists were clenched, and that the ANBU around him had not dropped their guard at all (and at this, Yamato appeared very pleased), but he drank his fill, visually, of the man he had thought of nearly every hour for so many days. The whole world seemed to go still; the morning calls of the birds seemed to emanate from miles away and the sound of the wind in the trees was as distant as a childhood memory. Even the humans in this tableau were completely motionless, like actors that had arrived at an emotionally crucial scene.

The Hatake chakra-wards were the only active entity in the scene at that moment; they had gone positively giddy with delight, swirling around Kakashi's hair with the happiness of a family pet welcoming its master home... which wasn't too off the mark. Tendrils of the sealing wards shot towards Iruka as well, wrapping around his wrist and trying to tug him forward, but Iruka was frozen to the spot, his heels glued to the ground; they released him, obviously not wanting to yank on him too much and risk hurting him, and went back to showering Kakashi with attention.

Kakashi's gaze flickered up to meet Iruka's wide-eyed one, locked there for just a moment and then skittered away. Iruka felt his breath coming and going in quick, increasingly erratic spurts, feeling his heart crumple in his chest. Despite all the acrimony that existed between them, he wanted Kakashi to look at him, to see him. To acknowledge that he was right here.

As if he had heard Iruka's longing, Kakashi murmured, "Iruka," in a flat greeting and the strangest thing happened.

The baby stretched luxuriously... and then gave Iruka a very solid kick.

Iruka flinched and pressed one hand against the curve of his stomach; and he might have let out a surprised gasp as well, but most of his attention was focused on the way Kakashi's gaze suddenly zeroed on him again. Kakashi took quite a few rapid steps in Iruka's direction. He looked a little awkward, as if he didn't expect his own body to move in such a manner, but that didn't stop him from covering so much ground that he was halfway towards Iruka before Haru reacted, pulling out his weapon and holding it steadily in Kakashi's direction.

"Kakashi-sempai," Yamato warned in a very calm manner, taking a single step forward of his own. Kakashi halted, and there was the slightest hint of wry amusement in his eye as he considered Haru's unwavering arm.

"Oh yes," he said casually. "I forgot." Moving deliberately, so the ANBU could see what his hands were doing, Kakashi reached into one of the pockets of his flak-jacket and pulled out a scroll. He threw it towards Aki, who plucked it out of the air and held it in a loose grip, obviously checking the chakra-signature.

"It's from the Hokage," Aki finally announced, and then unfurled it. "Kakashi and Yamato are now assigned to our watch, and will take over some rotations." Aki's masked face turned towards Iruka, who was trying to rouse himself from his stupor and failing miserably. "Welcome home, Kakashi-sempai, Yamato-taichō," Aki greeted softly, still facing Iruka's direction as if trying to gauge his reaction. Haru lowered his katana and sheathed it; the sound of metal against the worn leather of the scabbard seemed awfully loud.

Iruka noticed Yamato's title; his mind nervously danced around what that indicated. Kakashi was back, that was obvious. Kakashi had reported to the Hokage before he had made his way to his family home, also apparent. Kakashi's current mission (and newly assigned under his own kōhai) was to guard Iruka... but what was not apparent was if Kakashi had been commanded to do so, or had requested it on his own. Iruka couldn't tell from the impassive expression in Kakashi's eye. What he did know was that Kakashi was the consummate shinobi; if he had been ordered to protect Iruka, he would do it... whether he liked it or not.

He was trying to find something to say, anything, when Kakashi called his name once more, in a very mild, almost unconcerned tone... and the baby kicked again with what seemed to be an inordinate amount of glee. It felt like the baby was going through some spars, and Iruka inhaled sharply. It wasn't particularly painful, but it just felt so weird.

Even so, "Ouch," was the first thing out of Iruka's mouth in Kakashi's presence after all these weeks. Not the most auspicious of greetings, but at least Iruka could blame the wicked little child who was wide-awake right now and wreaking havoc inside him. Oh, he had felt the baby move before... but it had been mostly surreptitious shifting and sly stretching, not this active wriggling about, and usually it occurred in the evenings when Iruka was getting ready to sleep.

"Are you alright, Iruka-sensei?" Yamato asked, taking another step forward in concern. Iruka spared him a strained smile and out of the corner of his eye, he noticed that Kakashi did not move this time.

"I'm fine." His voice was shaking and he fought to compose himself, to focus on Yamato and remove Kakashi from his regard, because he felt so breakable right now. On top of that, there was joy flexing like an actual muscle in his chest, an emotion he attributed to Blue being ecstatic at the presence of its mate; Iruka wondered if it was showing on his face, for he had been told that his face was almost laughingly readable. At least, that's what was Kakashi had said, so long ago.

Iruka reached for his center in his well-entrenched politeness and spoke up in a voice that sounded too wretched to his own ears."Welcome home. I am grateful that you're both assigned the protection detail for the baby."

"And you," Yamato pointed out gently. Iruka's smile was going to crack right off his face, it felt that stiff; he liked Yamato, he really did, but Iruka just felt imbalanced, suspicious, unhappy and relieved, all these emotions curled tightly around each other. He couldn't take the pressure of all their eyes on him, on the freakish curve of his stomach, on the stricken expression that was sure to be plastered on his face.

"And me." He risked a truncated little bow, bending over the jut of his stomach. "I must rest," he explained and was deeply grateful when Aki took his arm as if that was a regular habit. Aki, bless their thoughtful soul, walked beside him so that they were between him and Kakashi when they passed him by. Iruka kept his eyes to the ground, not wanting to look at Kakashi at all. He was also hoping that Kakashi didn't call to him again, for his voice seemed to be a signal to the baby that indicated that it was time to dance.

They went into through the corridor that led from the back to the courtyard and Iruka heard the steps of the others behind them. Aki walked with him right to his door, and opened it for him. A part of the family wards had trailed behind them, brushing up against Iruka now and again.

"Thank you," Iruka told Aki, who squeezed his hand briefly and stepped away.

"Will you be alright?" Aki asked; their head was tilted and Iruka tried to nod in a reassuring manner.

"I'm quite sure," Iruka said in a firmer manner than before, went inside his rooms and locked the door. The baby didn't kick again, but continued to stretch in quite an indolent fashion. "What was all that out there?" Iruka scolded, patting his belly lightly. "Yes, that's... that's Kakashi." Iruka sighed. "He's your father, like me."

Iruka leaned against his door, fighting the urge to go back outside and put his arms around Kakashi's neck, to tell him anything he wanted to hear. Yet he was quite sure that Kakashi had no interest in what he had to say.

Struggling against a heavy sensation in his chest, Iruka put his face in his hands and stood there for a long time. He moved to take a bath only when the baby wriggled peremptorily again.

*

Iruka was trying to convince himself to go to the kitchen for lunch when he heard scratching on his door, accompanied by a low whine. He actually blinked for a moment before hurrying over and turning the handle, pulling out the door and peering out. He stared at the square plot of green in the courtyard and then looked down at the sharp bark that came from the direction of his feet.

"Guruko!" Iruka grinned as the ninken barked again and spun around in circles, tongue hanging out of his mouth.

"Iruka-sensei!" Guruko bayed and actually went up on his two back legs. Iruka stepped out, grabbed his front paws and laughed out loud. "I missed you!"

"I missed you too!" Iruka let him go and Guruko went down on all fours, coming in close to press happily against his legs. Thrown off his balance, Iruka listed dangerously to one side. He wasn't going to fall, though, he had been carrying this extra weight long enough to be used to it and could adjust his stance accordingly. Even the ANBU knew, and rarely tried to assist him unless he actually called out for help; he never failed to do so if he needed their assistance, because... well, he was carrying around a Very Important Baby nowadays (albeit a very important kicking baby). He would take no unnecessary chances.

Therefore, he was surprised to feel a strong hand at his elbow, supporting and steadying him. Iruka was so startled, he over-balanced in the other direction. The grip on his elbow tightened and turned him around half-way.

Iruka stared up in Kakashi's face. They were standing so close that Iruka could see the thin band of black that encircled the storm-grey of his exposed eye. He could feel the warmth of Kakashi's body all along his side. Distantly, he realized that the colour of Kakashi's eye was the same shade the Hatake wards took on when they were feeling particularly protective over Iruka.

"Careful," Kakashi said and dropped his hand. "Guruko, don't jump all over Iruka-sensei like that." He was still staring at Iruka as he said this; luckily, the baby didn't kick him this time and Iruka sent up a quick prayer of gratitude to any watching spirit.

"Sorry," Guruko said morosely from somewhere near Iruka's ankles. With an effort, Iruka dragged his gaze away from Kakashi's and looked down at Guruko's regretful expression. "Didn't mean to--"

"No, it's fine," Iruka hastened to reassure him. "I wasn't going to fall, don't worry. It's alright," he repeated, reaching down to ruffle Guruko's drooping ears.

Guruko appeared completely convinced of his unforgivable travesty, but he still offered Iruka's fingers a tiny lick.

"It's lunch-time. You should eat," Kakashi commanded.

Iruka straightened up at Kakashi's chilly tone and felt heat swirl up inside him. Good; anger was something he could use right now, instead of this weak trembling sensation in his chest.

"I'm aware it's time for lunch," he said as calmly as he could. "I've been having lunch at the same time for the past few months, Hatake-san." He lifted his chin, watching as Kakashi's eyelid went half-mast at his sharp tone and the pointed usage of his name. "So there is really no need for you to inform me of the fact."

Kakashi shrugged and simply said, "I made noodles," before turning on his heel and striking off towards the kitchen. "We should talk," he threw over his shoulder.

Iruka pressed his lips tightly together before letting out a sharp sigh. He felt Guruko snuggle against his leg and smiled down at him once more.

"I'm sorry the boss is so crabby," Guruko mumbled. "Even on the last mission he was like that. Us ninken wanted to push him in a river, you know."

"If I was there, I would have helped," Iruka told him and chuckled as Guruko let out an amused bark. "I'm so glad to see you though."

"And the boss, too?" Guruko asked quickly, his brown eyes bright and fixed on Iruka's face. "Even though he's really cranky?"

"I wouldn't go that far," Iruka muttered, but Guruko seemed content with that answer for now. He trotted along in Iruka's wake as they entered the large kitchen.

Kakashi was at one end of the long counter, which had probably been used by field-workers in bygone days, when the Hatake building was in the middle of farmlands owned by the family. There were still farms all around, spread out some distance behind the compound, but these were smaller ones that were leased to individual farmers. Iruka spotted them when he was taking his walks, but didn't dare venture close enough for them to see his body. There were times when he imagined his child racing happily alongside the rice-fields... or would they display more of their dragon-heritage and swim? At those moments, he felt anticipation bubble in his chest.

Now, though, all that was bubbling in his chest was sheer confused disgruntlement. He claimed a bowl of noodles from the pot on the large stove and settled down at the small table in the corner that Natsu had dragged in for him. He couldn't sit down on one of the tall stools, for his back would ache if he did so, but the table was alright; it also had the added bonus of not being close to Kakashi at all. Iruka ate slowly, aware that only Yamato was eating as well; out of the corner of his eye, Iruka noted that Kakashi and the ANBU were staring at him fixedly.

Uncharitably, he wondered if Haru and Aki weren't supposed to be off duty by now, completely handing their shift over to Kakashi and Yamato. Instead, they were observing him with the intensity of an Aburame inspecting a rare beetle, and Iruka ignored them, focusing instead on Guruko's furry weight stretched right across his feet. While he was lifting the bowl to his lips and drinking the broth, he wondered why Kakashi had summoned just Guruko. Granted, Guruko was his personal favourite, and all the ninken in one place could be a noisy, messy affair. Having Guruko here was admittedly very nice.

"Guruko, let me up," he said as he finished his meal and Guruko obliged him. He kept to Iruka's heel as he went to the sink and rinsed out his bowl, waited when Iruka dealt a quick bow to the room at large, an indirect thanks for the meal, and then cantered out after him when Iruka escaped back to his room.

"I want to stay with you," Guruko whined when Iruka tried half-heartedly to keep him out. "I'll be good and quiet, Iruka-sensei, promise! I won't even jump on the bed or anything."

"Alright." Iruka held open the door for the ninken and watched with a faint smile as Guruko headed right for the comfortable seat in the corner. The chair had two long curved bands of wood that joined its back and front legs together, one on the left and one on the right. Kurenai had given it to him, explaining how the odd design really helped, especially when dealing with a fussy baby; when Iruka sat in it, the chair rocked very gently back and forth, and the movement was amazingly comforting. With a pillow at his back and one behind his neck, Iruka had taken many a nap in that chair. There was a small woven mat placed just out of the way of the rocking bands; Guruko did a few turns and then lay on the mat, peering up shyly as Iruka laughed and went over to sit. He was reaching for a book on the nearby shelf when Guruko spoke up.

"Is it very painful, to be carrying the pup like that?"

"...not really?" Iruka looked down at Guruko's back, the henohenomoheji on the dog's dark-blue vest staring back up at him. "Sometimes I feel very uncomfortable in the night. I can never find the best spot for my back."

Guruko rolled over onto his own back, legs in the air. Iruka rubbed his belly with one bare foot and laughed when Guruko's legs moved happily.

"And how will the pup get out?"

"Could you kindly stop calling my baby a pup?" Iruka asked, half-exasperated and half-amused. "And the medi-nins said that they'll perform a special surgery."

"Oh." There was a long, considering silence, in which Iruka managed to read five whole paragraphs before Guruko spoke up again: "Did you have those funny cravings the human females have when they're carrying pu--- um, babies?"

Slowly, Iruka put his book in his lap, a small frown forming on his forehead. "Guruko?"

"Yes, Sensei?"

"Did Kakashi tell you to ask me all these questions?"

Guruko wiggled, suddenly appearing very uncomfortable.

"Guruko," Iruka said in his sternest tone and Guruko wilted.

"He did," Guruko muttered under his breath. Iruka made a disgusted sound and tossed his book back onto the shelf. "But I want to know too! Just to make sure you're okay."

"That's fine," Iruka said levelly, even though his heart felt like it was beating sideways. "But if he was so intent on finding out these things, he could have asked me himself. Go to your master and tell him that I am dealing with any discomfort as best as I can, the medi-nins and I are prepared to have this baby whenever the time is right, and the only cravings I had were for sweets."

"Alright, alright, I'll tell him," Guruko said, but made no move to disperse in the usual cloud of smoke.

Iruka narrowed his eyes at the ninken, who was actually rolling back onto his stomach and looking as if he was about to doze off. "Aren't you going to go right now?"

"No, I'm staying here with you. The boss said that the baby is a new precious person and a part of the pack. Pack means family and family must be protected." With that declaration, Guruko settled even more firmly on the mat, as if daring Iruka to just try and dislodge him from his appointed post.

Iruka blinked rapidly at the back of Guruko's head, the knot of the forehead protector nestled in the brown fur. The baby is a new precious person. Did Kakashi actually say that? He couldn't have. Well, if he did, then that was very good. It would make Iruka's life a whole lot easier if Kakashi acknowledged the baby.

Pack means family. Suddenly quite forlorn, Iruka got up, stepped carefully over Guruko's sprawled form and crawled into his bed, going through his usual ritual of trying to find a bearable position that didn't strain his back or hips too much. Family. He couldn't and wouldn't hope for something like that.

Iruka closed his eyes and tried to sleep.

*

When he woke up, Guruko was not in the room, but the family wards had woken him up with their deep, almost inaudible buzzing. He went up on his elbows slowly, blinking at the late afternoon sunlight streaming through the windows, motes of dust dancing in time with the wards' low, happy noises.

Someone had been in the room with him. Iruka sat up properly, frowning at the low traces of human-chakra that floated in the air around his bed. If it had been one of the ANBU checking up, why didn't they wake him? And--

His fingers clenched around something that had been resting lightly in his palm. He lifted his hand carefully, staring at a small pouch with its red flowers and golden lettering woven cleverly into the white cloth.

It was a good-luck charm... a anzen Omamori, filled with prayers for a safe pregnancy and easy delivery. Iruka turned it over in his hands a few times and then clutched it tightly to his chest, his head bowed.