A BIG thank you to all you guys that have read, reviewed, pimped out, and basically showed this fic some love! Sorry for the major delay, but all I can say for myself is that RL always gets in the way when I want to write the angsty stuff. :)
A couple of public service announcements before we get started:
-As always, much love to my Beta-goddess, larin20. She had a very busy week this week, and still took the time to fix my shizz. READ TREADING WATER. Seriously. You don't even have to read mine. No wait, you can read mine first. But then, go…read hers. I'll shut up now. :)
-A big thank you to AgoodWITCH, who was gracious enough to add my fic to her community, called We All Have "Issues", Don't We? There are some great stories in that community and I highly recommend that you check them out. Link is on my profile.
-Also a special shout out to gagator, who was seriously worried that I gave up on this thing. I hope 8000+ words put you at ease. :)
-And if you haven't checked out larin20 & Miss Alex's page on Facebook, The Official BFFF'ers of Twilight Fanfiction… well then, what's the holdup? We have a blast over there, and the talent of the writers over there will knock your socks off! That link would also be on my profile.
-And last, but not least, a special thanks to my BFFF'er Kimmy, who gave me a shout out on her last update, so I had to return the favor. READ FALLEN ANGELS, people. You'll love it. That link? Well, I do believe it's on my profile. :)
As always, Stephenie Meyers owns the characters. I just put 'em through hell.
And now on with 8000+ words of Edward's point of view! (He wouldn't shut up)
EPOV
A funny thing always happened when my sister entered a room; a calming presence that wasn't there before suddenly reverberated over everyone instantaneously. Like magic, all worries were lifted and every cloud had a silver lining. She had the power to influence your mood just by walking into the room. I never understood how she made it happen. She said she got that from Jasper but I know for a fact that she's done it her whole life. Jasper be damned, she had a gift. That's one of the reasons why I called her down here. And, well… it was kind of her job.
Alice went through the same bullshit that I did when mom and dad died. The grief counseling, the therapists, the guidance counselors at school constantly asking how we were "holding up". How the fuck did they think we were holding up? It's not like our parents went on a fucking Hawaiian vacation or something. They were gunned down and left for dead.
Alice decided very early on that she wanted to help people deal with their grief in a way that she hadn't been able to. She now works as a licensed therapist and grief counselor at the mental health center here in Forks. Even through everything that happened with mom and dad, Alice still chose to deal with grief on a daily basis at her job. She always said that our experience helped her gain knowledge about grief that couldn't be found in any textbook, and helping others seemed to help her, too. I couldn't help but admire her for that.
I was lost in my dreary thoughts. The only sounds from the room were our breathing, and the steady beeping that was Charlie's heart monitor, when Alice entered the room. When I had called Alice and Emmett to let them know of Charlie's shooting, they were devastated, to say the least. They always held Charlie in such high regard, much as the same as myself. I tried to be as calm and supportive as possible, but I was kind of losing it myself.
Alice cautiously crossed the room to the bed where I lay with Bella in my arms, still asleep.
"Edward…. is that…Charlie's daughter? Is she okay?" she asked, putting a hand on my shoulder. I looked up at her. She had clearly been crying on the way over here.
"Yeah, it's Bella," I whispered.
"Something else is wrong. What is it, Edward?" she asked.
"Alice," I whispered, as I reluctantly slid Bella out of my arms and laid her head on the pillow. I got up and walked over to the corner of the room, where we could talk and not wake Bella. "I don't know what to do. She was lying here listening to the doctor explain about Charlie, and just…she just froze, Alice. It's like she wasn't even here. She wouldn't answer me. I couldn't get through to her. I can't help her…I'm not the one that should be here for her. I'm not strong enough to do this. I'm so fucked up. Please, Al. Tell me what to do," I pleaded.
"Edward," she said, reaching for my hand. She always knew what to say to make things better and I hoped to god she was on top of her game now. I still didn't understand why my siblings thought I was the strong one. "It's going to be okay. Bella's been through a lot in the past couple days, and her mind just needs time to adjust," she said. "And you can help her Edward. Maybe you can help each other." Alice patted my hand confidently. She had this all-knowing expression on her face, like she was hiding something. I pursed my lips because I knew she was up to something.
"Alice," I said cautiously. "What is it? You got the look on your face."
When we were kids, Alice would get that same look on her face when she had a strong feeling something was about to happen. She had premonitions- or what she liked to call, good guesses. The first time we knew that Alice had this gift was in sixth grade. Lauren Mallory got hit with volleyball in gym class, which broke her nose. That same day before school, Alice got "the look". Her eyes glazed over and she stood still for a full five minutes before shaking her head saying, "Poor Lauren. It's going to hurt pretty badly. She should have ducked. Oh well, serves her right. She stole my fruit roll-up yesterday at lunch." She shrugged her shoulders and went outside to wait for the bus. Emmett and I looked at her like she was insane and laughed it off. We went about our business until later that day, when news got out that Lauren broke her nose. Alice turned out to be right! We pretty much didn't bet against her after that.
Alice smiled timidly at me, squeezing my hand. "I just have a feeling, that's all. Things may be hard now, but they'll work out. You'll see."
I knew there was something she wasn't telling me, but I didn't push her on it. I really wasn't in the mood at the moment.
We stood in silence looking over at Charlie and Bella. I mostly looked at Bella. I simply couldn't take my eyes off of her. When I did look away, it just felt wrong. Alice must have noticed, because when I finally tore my eyes off of Bella and back to Alice, she was giving me "the look" again. I rolled my eyes.
"What?" I said to her, slightly annoyed.
She stepped closer to me and smiled. "You have feelings for her, don't you?" she asked.
Shit.
"That's ridiculous. I've only known the girl for like two days, Al. I have no fucking idea what you're talking about," I argued.
"Edward Anthony Cullen, don't you try and pull that shit with me. A blind person can see how you're looking at her right now. It's okay to admit it. You have feelings for Bella."
Damn it all to hell. I wasn't even sure why I felt this way so fast. It was just something I had no control over. Plus, Alice could see through me like a plate glass window. I figured it would be so much easier to just confess, rather than her stalk my every fucking move from now until the end of time. I took a deep breath and began bearing my tortured ass soul.
"Fine. She's amazing, Alice. Really fucking amazing." I lowered my head and inspected the dirty floor tiles, embarrassed about everything I was about to confess to her. This was so out of character for me. I was completely out of my comfort zone.
"I don't know how to explain it, but I just feel drawn to her. I've never met anyone like her in my entire life. I don't even know that much about her. Part of me wants to know everything about her, but there's a rational part of me that says to back the hell off. I can't hurt her, Al. I won't hurt her… I'd rather leave her alone than cause her any more pain. She's been through too much already. Besides, this is all new to me and I have no idea what I'm doing. I feel like the blind leading the blind. She deserves far better then me. I'm just a fucking asshole with nothing to offer her."
She smiled at me sympathetically, and then proceeded to smack me in the arm.
Hard.
"Ouch! Damn it, Alice!"
"Edward, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard! Why would you automatically assume that you will hurt her?"
"Because, I'm-"
Alice interrupted waving her hand in front of her face, "That's ridiculous. Why are you so afraid? You've spent your whole adult life wandering from woman to woman… man-whoring it up with shame, I might add."
"What's your point?"
"Have you ever found anything meaningful? Have you ever felt anything more then just a one-night stand with a woman? Look at you now, you're practically drooling over Bella, and you just met her. That says a lot to me. When is the next time you could have a chance at an honest, decent relationship? Bella is not a dime a dozen, dear brother. I can tell already that she's special. Don't sabotage it before even giving it a chance."
"Alice," I said, getting irritated, "you're assuming that she feels the same way about me too. We barely know each other. You haven't even met her yet, for Christ's sake. Besides, it's better this way. End. Of. Discussion."
"Fine. Have it your way. For now." she growled. If I weren't her twin brother, I might have been a little intimidated.
Another half-hour had passed; I had sat back on the bed with Bella. Absentmindedly, I ran my fingers through her silky brown hair. Alice sat silently in the chair beside the bed, watching me with a smug smile. I rolled my eyes at her and continued being pathetically mesmerized by the girl in my arms. Bella stirred a little - even smiled at one point - but she never woke up. I had already memorized every detail of her face; from her long eyelashes that fluttered against her cheek, the tense creases of her brow and the constellation of freckles that tracked across her nose. Her lips are what really drew me in. They looked so soft and warm. I had to fight back the urge to run my thumb across them.
Shit, I was screwed.
I was so distracted by Bella that I was not in any way prepared for what happened next.
The loud long beep coming from Charlie's monitor made me jump out of the bed in a panicked. I looked to Alice. She looked terrified.
His heart was giving out.
I ran to the door and yelled for someone to help but they were already making their way to the room. The sympathetic look on their faces didn't match the urgency of the situation. They slowly walked over to Charlie's bedside. They just stood there. No paddles, no CPR.
Nothing.
I felt my blood beginning to boil, my shoulders tensing up.
I lost it.
"What the fuck are you doing? What's happening to Charlie? Do something, goddamnit! Don't just fucking stand there!" I screamed.
The nurses and doctor looked to me with sad eyes. I couldn't understand it. Why where they doing this? Where they just going to let him lay there and fucking die?
The doctor walked over to me, grabbing my arm. "Edward," he said, turning me away from Charlie. "Let's step outside so we can talk. Would that be okay?"
This guy was really pissing me off now.
"What? No!"
"Edward, please. Let's not make a scene."
"Why don't you take that fucking medical degree you obviously got out of a fucking Cracker Jack box and do something to save him!" I growled. I was so close to ripping the fucker's head off, until Alice stepped in-between us.
"Edward, let's go outside and talk to the doctor, okay? Just for a minute," she said calmly.
Was everyone in this hospital losing their fucking minds?
We walked out into the hallway and I spun around to face the doctor. He turned to me and sighed.
"Edward, if it weren't for Charlie listing you as one of his emergency contacts, I wouldn't even be able to discuss his condition with you. So I need you to calm down so I can explain to you what's going on. Alright?" he asked. I didn't trust myself to speak, so I firmly nodded my head.
"Now, Charlie suffered a lot of damage from the gun shot wound, and as you know, we tried to go in and repair what we could. There was a lot of swelling. But I had hoped that we would have some good news after the latest CT. Unfortunately, the news wasn't good," he finished.
I stood frozen, the bile rising up in my throat. It all made sense now. I knew what he was going to say next.
"Edward…the results of Charlie's CT showed no brain activity. I am so sorry," he whispered. "We discussed this with Bella when she first arrived, before she went in to see her father. Edward, Bella signed a document called a DNR. You know what that means, don't you?" he asked.
All the air left my lungs in one swift movement as I processed in what he was saying.
They weren't going to save him.
Charlie was brain dead.
No, Charlie was dead.
He's gone.
"I understand," I whispered. Alice wrapped her tiny arm around my waist and buried her head in my chest as she sobbed.
"Due to the fact that Bella signed the DNR, we had no choice but to let nature take it's course. So when Charlie went into cardiac arrest moments ago, well…there was nothing we could do. I'm sorry," he stated.
I started to walk slowly toward the waiting area, so that Alice could sit down, when the doctor stopped me again.
"Edward, please understand. Bella did the right thing by Charlie. You know as well as I do that he wouldn't want to be hooked to all these tubes and machines. Even though Charlie was physically here, his mind was gone. He would have never recovered. I'm sure it was one of the hardest things Bella's ever had to do."
"I know. I understand," I said softly.
I had asked the hospital staff to take Charlie to the morgue so that Bella wouldn't have to see him when she woke up. I still didn't know what she would be like, or if she would even speak to me. I knew when she did wake up that I'd do everything I could to help her. I owed Charlie, my best friend, that much. I'd deal with my thoughts later. My only concern was Bella.
I walked over to Charlie's bed before they came in to take him away. The sight of him lying there would be ingrained in my memory for the rest of my life. I knew at that moment that I made the right decision to get him out of here before Bella woke up. I didn't want the memory burned into her head as well.
I reached out with shaky hands to touch him, my fingertips slightly grazing his forearm. He was still warm to the touch and I stood there with my hand on his arm for what seemed like hours. I finally took a deep breath, grabbed the stool next to his bed, and sat down. There were so many things I wanted to say but I could hardly find the words.
"Charlie," I managed to choke out, "I…I will…I will take care of her for you, Charlie. I promise. She won't be alone… I know you want her to be happy and…she will be. I'll make sure of it, no matter what."
I bent down and kissed my best friend's forehead and whispered, "I love you, Charlie."
I then turned around and walked out of the hospital room, to let the staff prepare to take him away.
Once they moved Charlie's body out of the hospital room, I slowly walked back over to the bed where Bella laid, still asleep. She slept through everything; I almost couldn't believe it. I climbed back in and wrapped my arms around her fragile body. Alice sat in the chair once again but this time she was talking on her cell phone, crying. Talking to Jasper, I'm sure…though I couldn't bring myself to pay attention. The familiar numbness that consumed me when my parents died was making its reappearance, fogging up my head. I welcomed it, though. It was an old comfort. I didn't want to feel anything, not now. Maybe not ever. I was starting to believe that maybe I was destined to be alone. Hell, everyone I looked up to and counted on had now gone. It seemed to make sense.
I was broken out of my thoughts when I felt Bella take a deep breath. I looked down to see her beautiful eyes flutter open, trying to adjust to the light.
She's waking up. Oh, god…how do I tell her?
I grabbed her shoulders, pulling her around to face me. I had to hear her voice.
"Bella, are you all right?" I asked her breathlessly. She nodded her head, eyes locked on mine. That wasn't good enough. I had to hear her.
"Bella, please. I need you to say something to me. Anything…I just need to hear your voice. Can you do that for me?" I begged.
She cleared her throat softly. "I-I'm okay," she said.
"Thank god," I breathed, as I pulled her into my arms again. I wanted to hold her there, in this hospital bed, for as long as humanly fucking possible. I never wanted to let her go. I wanted to protect her from the truth I was about to tell her. I wanted to protect her from all the grief but I knew I couldn't alleviate. Most of all, I just wanted to be near her.
Knowing it was time, I gently whispered to her, "Bella?"
She didn't respond to me. I have been biting back the tears but they threatened to push through the surface and the dam was ready to break.
"Bella, something's happened…" I trailed off as I backed away from her embrace. I looked her over. "Oh, god. I don't even know where to start."
I gathered up what little strength I had left to say the words. "I'm so very sorry, Bella. Charlie, he…"
I stopped myself because I couldn't do it. The moment I felt my chin quiver was all it took to unleash the rainfall of tears that I tried to keep at bay. I sat there crying, my head in my hands. I tried to get it together. She needed me to be stronger than this. I just needed a second.
She surprised the shit out of me by what she said next.
"Shh, Edward," she said, gripping me into her arms tightly. "I know," she whispered.
"I know…he's gone."
We lay there, in the hospital bed for what seemed like hours, just holding each other. It felt more like she was comforting me instead of the other way around. I cried and blubbered like a baby. I had snot bubbles and hiccups. That's right, Deputy Edward Anthony Cullen actually fucking cried, in Bella's arms. I wasn't ashamed of it either. I don't even remember crying after mom and dad died. What the hell did that mean?
After a few minutes, Bella began to cry as well. I felt the warm tears soaking my chest through my shirt. I knew that she was trying to be strong and not cry, but fuck, Charlie died. He fucking died. It's not possible. He was going to be okay. He was always the strong one. We had fucking plans. There was so much we wanted to do. We'd planned a big fishing trip for next summer. We were going to barbecue on the Fourth of July. All the things that we talked about kept running through my brain. Now they would always be the things that I never got to do with my best friend. I still couldn't believe it.
Then there was Bella. My god, she had already been through so damned much. How much more could a person take? I was so fucking scared for her. I was at a loss. I didn't know what to do. Everything happened so fast, it's just unreal to even think about it. From now on nothing would ever be the same again.
We lay in each other's arms until I noticed the sun going down. The red and orange rays cast shadows across the room. It was beautiful. This room would forever hold two very powerful and distinct memories.
This is the room where I had met an angel, and lost my best friend forever.
To most people, today was an ordinary day in the town of Forks, Washington. Overcast, with the threat of rain looming under every cloud. The cold and dreary wind cut through your skin like steel knives. It was a day like so many countless others I've seen in this town. Passing through on the way home, I saw the familiar faces that I have all seen in my six years here. They were busy hurrying off to the drug store or market, picking their kids up from school, or rushing to get to work on time.
Yes, it was an ordinary day.
Except that for me, today was the day that my best and dearest friend, Charlie Swan, would be laid to rest.
Today was the worst of day, for me. I would be serving as pallbearer along with some of the other guys from the station. Some of the guys all glamored to have the chance to show respect and be carriers with me. I thought it was funny when they started telling stories of Charlie like they really knew who he was. They only knew him as the brass, the boss.
No one knew the man like I did.
No one here would know how he secretly liked hazelnut-flavored creamer in his coffee or how his upper lip would twitch when he knew a suspect was lying. They'd never know how he really didn't like crowds, or how he could never start watching the Mariner's game on the flat screen without a Vitamin R, a bag of peanuts and occasionally a Marlboro.
There was only one other person who even came close to knowing the real Charlie Swan.
Bella.
The days since Charlie died have been a blur. Bella very reluctantly let me handle most of the arrangements for the funeral. I wanted to do anything I could to help her and I knew Charlie would want me to. As it turns out, Charlie's daughter is pretty fucking amazing. Something that I already pretty much suspected. She took everything in stride, much better than I thought she would, judging from her near catatonic state in the hospital.
She decided she wanted to stay at Charlie's while she was here, which I thought was a bad fucking idea at first. I didn't want her to be alone with all of Charlie's things surrounding her. She insisted on it. She said she was okay and that she felt closer to him there. I'd never been more fucking glad to be next door though, so I could look in on her.
Without her knowing, of course. It was kind of stalkerish, but Charlie wouldn't have minded.
The night Charlie died was when I got my bright idea to discreetly look in on Bella. We parted ways at the hospital, against several protests on my part. I didn't want to leave her. I didn't want that vacant look in her eyes to return again under any fucking circumstances. Bella said she just wanted to be alone, so after thirty minutes of trying to convince her that she didn't have to be, I relented. I got into my car and started home, thinking about all that had transpired in the last couple days. I was not looking forward to coming home to an empty house. It's times like these when my mind really started to imagine some fucked up shit and I was not looking forward to it.
I pulled into my driveway and cut the ignition. I sat still there for a minute, thinking. Looking back on the time that I'd spent with Bella, it seemed like she kept me from falling apart and from retreating back into myself again. Although we were grieving, I felt at peace with her in my arms. She had no way of knowing that I needed her just as much as she needed me.
Now faced with spending the night alone, I started to panic a little bit. Then it occurred to me that maybe I could keep an eye on her without her knowing. It would ease my frame of mind and I wouldn't feel like such a pussy for not wanting to be alone. I went in the house and dropped my keys and wallet on the table by the front door. I took off my gun belt along with my badge and put them in the safe. Then I walked out the front door, fully intending on breaking the law. This was so wrong on many levels but I was a desperate man in need of desperate measures.
I felt like such a creepy ass stalker but I couldn't help it. I wasn't in a good place and I just wanted her to be okay. I had it all planned out. I would just look through the living room window for a little bit - make sure she looked okay - and go back home. It was a well thought out plan, if I did say so myself.
Until I got busted.
Some fucking cop I am… I can't even stakeout a motherfucking house without getting caught.
I was leaning against her window on the side of the house, watching her as she was sitting on Charlie's couch. She had the TV on but I could tell she wasn't paying attention to it. She was going through an old photo album; I remember it being the one from one of our fishing trips we'd taken a few summers ago. Alice had made up the album for us.
Then, she suddenly closed the album, got up and went toward the back of the house. I didn't think anything of it, figuring that maybe she had to go to the bathroom really quick or some shit girls do.
That was until I heard the frantic rustling of footsteps near where I was standing outside. I turned my head only to look straight into the barrel of a 9mm.
Charlie's service weapon.
I have to give it to the girl; what she lacked in stealth, she gained in fierceness, because before she recognized me, the look on her face was intimidating…even to me.
Yep, that's Charlie's daughter, all right.
"Leave me the fuck alone!" she seethed. Hearing the word fuck come out of that pretty little mouth of hers did things to me, things that were highly fucking inappropriate for the situation I was facing. The darkness cast a shadow so that she couldn't see my face right away. I figured I'd better speak up before I got my head blown off by the little lioness.
"Bella, it's me," I said, holding my hands up.
"Wh-what?" she asked, clearly confused. I stepped in to the light coming through the window. Recognition dawned on her face pretty quickly as she widened her eyes.
"Oh my god, Edward," she breathed, letting out a sigh of relief. She lowered the weapon to her side and her shoulders relaxed. I felt a little bit safer but I wasn't sure if she even knew how to use that thing, so I stretched my hand out to retrieve the gun.
"Here, let me have that, before you shoot yourself in the foot," I chuckled.
She slowly handed me the gun, wearing the cutest damn expression on her face. "I know how to use it, you know," she quipped. Then she smiled at me, really fucking smiled. It reached her eyes, making them sparkle in the dim light.
"Oh, I'm sure you do. I can't see Charlie letting you get past your teens without showing you how to defend yourself," I added, as I took the gun slowly from her tiny hand. Then I instantly regretted it, because that smile that lit up her face was suddenly gone. What was left was eating away at me. She tried to force a little grin at me, but I could tell her heart wasn't in it.
Fucking idiot, Cullen.
She took a deep breath, pointing toward her front door, "So, would you like to come inside, or are you content with stalking me through my window?" she joked. I wasn't expecting that. I laughed. I was beginning to find out that this girl never did what I expected her to do.
I had to try to explain myself, so she didn't think I was some crazed lunatic.
"Listen…I, um. About that, I'm sorry. I know that was extremely rude of me and illegal…but I, I just wanted to see if you were okay. I didn't want to intrude," I explained. I must have looked like such a jackass to her.
"It's okay," she said. She turned her head to the side but her eyes were still on me. Then she blushed. The most beautiful color of pink invaded her cheeks and I couldn't help but stare at her.
Damn, this girl is so fucking cute.
"Come on in," she said, walking back around to the front door.
Being the creepy ass stalker that I am, not to mention the fact that I had a very hard time denying this girl, I followed her into Charlie's house. She closed and locked the door behind me.
I walked into Charlie's living room like I had a hundred times, but it seemed so foreign to me somehow. Everything was in its rightful place; stack of TV Guides on the coffee table, the plaid blanket hanging off of Charlie's Lazy-Boy, and the flatscreen TV turned to the ESPN channel. It was almost as if this house, these things, could sense the loss. The air was different. Then I caught the scent of Bella. The floral aroma invaded my senses, stronger here than even when I held her in that hospital bed. It smelled like home.
While in the hospital, I had convinced myself that the best thing for Bella would be to break away from her and cut my losses before I hurt he or she left me. Now Charlie's death convinced me of one thing; whether I liked it or not, Bella and I were connected. So I had to think long and hard about how I would be there for her, like I promised Charlie, and not open myself up to one big ass fucking heart fail. It would be tough but I had to do it, for Charlie. I could be a friend to this girl, right? What if she draws me to her like a freaking magnet? Or makes me think the most impure thoughts just by the scent of her. My fucking heart palpitated simply by the way she smiled at me.
Piece of cake.
"Would you like a beer, Edward?" I heard her ask. I knew I heard her, but I was still so stuck in my thoughts I didn't answer.
"Edward?"
"Um, yeah. Sure, that would be great," I replied. I watched her as she slowly walked to the fridge and got us both a beer. She seemed hesitant about something, like she had something she wanted to ask. I let it go for now because there was one question I'd been dying to know since the hospital.
"Er, Bella? Can I ask you something?" She nodded.
"If you don't want to talk about it, I understand. I was just wondering, how did you know? About Charlie, I mean. How did you know he was gone when you woke up?" I finished. I felt myself beginning to tear up again but I took a deep breath and pushed them back.
She walked over to where I was seated on the couch and handed me my Vitamin R, before she walked over to Charlie's recliner and carefully sat down. She popped the top her beer and took a long swig before she answered.
"You're going to think I'm crazy," she said with a small smile looking down at her feet.
"I doubt it very seriously, Bella. Tell me," I pleaded.
"Well," she started, "I'll tell you but you have to promise not to write me off as a raving lunatic until I'm finished, okay?" she asked. I couldn't help but chuckle at her.
"Deal."
"Okay. I sort of had a dream about him. He told me in the dream that it was time to say goodbye. He got to say everything that he wanted to say to me, I think. I got to hold him for a while and then he…he was gone. The feeling was so strong in the dream, Edward. I can't explain it. It was so real. Even the faceless…" she trailed off.
"The what?" I asked, confused. I wasn't sure I heard that last part right.
"Um, never mind. It's nothing. Anyway, that's how I knew. When I woke up, I saw the look in your eyes, and I just knew that he was really gone."
I finally saw the strong will of Charlie's daughter crumble, as the tears glided slowly down her cheeks. It tore my heart in two to see this girl in pain. I had to do something. Say something. But what the hell could I say?
"Hey, come over here and sit with me for a minute?" I asked. I felt one lonely tear run down my cheek as I scooted over to the end of the couch. I wiped it away with the back of my hand, hopefully before she could see.
She took another deep breath and nodded, as she rose up and glided over to the couch, right next to me. I began to put my arm around her shoulder, while looking into her eyes, asking for permission. She sighed, falling limp into my embrace, and placed her head on my shoulder.
"Bella, I know what you're feeling right now, if it makes you feel any better. You're not alone. Okay? I'm here for you whenever you need to talk. I know we haven't known each other very long at all, but I would really like to be there for you…if you need someone."
She looked up at me, right into my eyes. The way she looked at me was so intense, I thought for a moment that I'd burst into flames. I wanted to look away, for just a second, just to break it…I just couldn't do it.
Then she said, "I think I'd really like that, Edward. Charlie, I mean dad… he was all I had left. Now he's gone and I…" and she began to cry softly, leaning her head back on my shoulder. I pulled her around so I could fully hold her and let her cry. We didn't speak for a long time, due to the fact that the tears I'd tried, again, for so long to hold back now where falling in streams down my face. I just let it go. For the first time, in my whole life it seemed… I let it all go.
We sat on Charlie's couch, with the faint sounds of Sports Center in the background, and grieved our friend and father.
After a little while, I found myself exhausted. I was in this inbetween-land of asleep and awake. Bella's scent was so strong in my head that I felt dizzy. I was pulled out of the haze by the sound of Bella clearing her throat as she started to speak softly.
"Edward?" she asked.
"Hm hmm?" I replied, hazily.
"I only have one condition," she said.
"On what?" I asked.
"On me using you… to lean on, I mean," she whispered.
"Okay," I chuckled. "What condition?"
She looked up at me again, her eyes red and puffy from crying. She was sniffling-she may even have made a mess on my shirt, but I didn't care. In that moment, she looked so run down, so tired, so weary.
She never looked more beautiful.
"If you let me be the same for you," she said. Her tear stained cheeks faded to a light pink instantly. "I know you have your brother and sister, but maybe I could…I don't know, be there for you, too? We could help each other."
Huh. Her and Alice will get along great.
I sat there for a moment contemplating what she was offering. I knew how selfless the girl was, but for her to offer her friendship at a time when she was suffering so greatly, it made me feel so… unworthy of it.
The simple fact was, I would most likely do anything she fucking asked me to do. She had me wrapped around her little finger and she didn't even know it. I would be damned if I would let her in on that little fact.
"That sounds perfect, Bella," I answered.
It remained cloudy as we headed to the burial site. The whole town was going to be there, along with fellow officers from neighboring counties, the National Guard Armory, and the mayor. I'd seen all these faces at one point or another in my six years here. It would be kind of surreal to see everyone gathered in the same place. Charlie was a simple guy, but he touched so many people. Everyone he had contact with, I'm sure, had a story to tell. I alone could fill up the next year with stories of our time together.
The ride to the site was very quiet. Bella sat in the passenger seat of my cruiser, looking out the window. She was so beautiful, as usual. Her dark hair was down in waves flowing down to the middle of her back. She had just a little bit of makeup on. She didn't need any though. She was perfect the way she was. She had on a knee-length black dress with a slit up the side that made me choke on my coffee when she got into the car. I could see the skin of her upper thigh before she sat down in the seat and tried to cover it up with the black cardigan she was wearing. That little piece of her creamy white skin made me forget where we were going and what we were doing. I had to shake my head violently to get my shit together before I had to step out of the car with a raging fucking hard on. Which I can tell you would not be damn appropriate for going to her father's funeral.
I couldn't understand why I was having these reactions to her. It was completely involuntary; like some weird erection fairy visited me in my sleep. My body has never reacted to a woman this strongly before. But then again, looking back, I think I had since the first time I touched her. But at the time, I guess I was more concerned with her health and well being to concentrate on how bad I wanted to be consumed by her, to be inside of her, to feel her skin on mine...
Fuck, this line of thinking was going to get me in a world of shit.
After a few minutes of deep breaths and recalling Ken Griffey JR's stats for the 2009 season, I began to calm down a bit.
Getting my head back on straight, I started thinking, of Charlie. As I drove through town to get to the gravesite, I just couldn't wrap my mind around what my life was going to be like without Charlie. This was going to be so hard for both of us, but I had to show her that I meant what I said when I told her I'd be there for her. The closer we got to our destination, the more I wondered about what would happen after Charlie's burial. How could I get back to normal? There wouldn't be a "normal" after this. Things wouldn't ever be the same. I would have to go to work without Charlie there, come home to an empty house without Charlie right next door to talk to. It would be a lot different from the comfortable, semi-happy existence I'd grown accustomed to.
I was broken out of my reverie by the sound of Bella sniffling next to me. She was crying softly, but didn't want me to see. I said nothing, only took my right hand off the steering wheel, and reached for hers. She looked up at me for a moment, gave a small smile, and intertwined her fingers with mine. I gave her a reassuring smile back, squeezing her hand. Her hand felt so soft against mine, like fragile silk. My earlier problem thankfully didn't resurface; maybe tears coming from Bella were like kryptonite to my dick.
When we arrived at the gravesite, I parked the car and got out quickly to open the door for Bella. She smiled in thanks as she took my hand again, holding on tightly. We were both clinging to each other, already struggling.
I walked her to the area where people were gathered, silently waiting for the hearse to arrive. Among those were Alice and Emmett, for which I was thankful. I gave them a nod and held Bella closer to my side as I walked over to them. At least she wouldn't be alone while I participated in the ceremony.
I think Bella recognized her from the hospital, but I couldn't be sure. She was so out of it at the time.
"Bella, I'd like you to meet my sister Alice, and my brother, Emmett," I whispered, letting go of her hand.
Alice immediately grabbed Bella, pulling her into a tight hug. "Oh Bella. It's so nice to finally meet you. I'm sorry it's under such terrible circumstances. If you need anything, and I mean anything, please let me know," she cried.
"Thank you," Bella replied.
Alice then stepped aside as Emmett pulled Bella into a bear hug, lifting her off the ground. He didn't know his own strength sometimes. Bella's eyes bugged out of her head at Emmett's sudden outburst.
He realized quickly and set her down gently. "Sorry," he laughed softly. "Hi, Bella."
She gave Emmett a bright smile, blushing again. "It's okay. It's nice to meet you, Emmett," she said.
"You too, Bella. Listen, we all loved Charlie, so if you need us for anything, we'll be here. He'd want us to look after you."
Bella nodded her head, looking down to her feet. I swiftly took her hand again and gave it a tight squeeze.
I didn't want to leave her side; hell, I didn't want to go through with this ceremony. At least she has my siblings standing beside her. That would have to do until after this was over.
The hearse came into view, along with the rest of the motorcade that followed, and I knew it was time to join my fellow officers for the ceremony.
"Bella, I have to go now. The ceremony's starting in a minute," I said, unconsciously leaning toward her. "You're going to be okay? Emmett and Alice will stay with you." I rubbed my hands up and down her arms.
"It's okay. I'll be okay," she said nodding. I smiled weakly and turned to walk away.
"Edward?"
I looked back. "Yeah?"
"You'll be alright, won't you?" she asked, the worry in her eyes apparent.
I closed the space between us and pulled her to me, wrapping her in my arms again. "I'll be okay, Bella. Don't worry about me. Promise me you won't."
"Okay, Edward," she replied.
I released her with a sympathetic smile, while I gathered Emmett's attention with my eyes. He caught my gaze, and followed me half way to where the other officers were standing in a line on each side of the plot where Charlie would be laid to rest.
"Emmett…please, take care of her for me. This ceremony's really going to tear her up. She's… she's important." The understanding washed over his face and he pursed his lips.
"I will, little brother. I promise. We'll see you when it's over," he said, shaking my hand.
The ceremony began, and it was all a blur to me. I was lost between my fond memories of my best friend and watching his daughter. The bagpipes played a moving arrangement of Amazing Grace as we stood outside the back of the hearse. We picked up the casket, marching to the beat of the drum, and carried him over to the plot. The pristine American Flag that covered the casket was folded by my fellow brothers, and handed off to me.
I marched over to where the beautiful daughter of my best friend stood, tears streaming down her face. I stood in front of her, barely keeping it together, as I bent down and handed her the folded flag. She reached out with shaking hands as she accepted the token, meeting my eyes. I almost lost it when she cried out, practically falling limp into Emmett's strong arms. I couldn't hold back the tears anymore, as they fell steadily down my face.
I raised my right hand to salute her.
The sight of her, falling apart in my brother's arms… it was killing me. My arms twitched to reach out to her. I just had to hold on a little while longer.
I turned and marched back beside my brothers, as they prepared for the twenty-one gun salute. The sound of TAPS playing in the background gave the air a somber feeling. I looked out of the corner of my eye at Bella. She cried out again, but this time I could've sworn I heard her cry out my name.
At that moment, I didn't care about the ceremony, or holding on a little while longer, or my fellow officers who depended on me- any of it.
I had to get to her, now.
Our eyes locked, as she turned out of Emmett's embrace and began to walk in my direction. On shaky limbs, she and I crossed the distance between each other.
I couldn't get there fast enough.
All that mattered in that moment was holding her, making it go away. Making all of it go away. I would do anything to make it better for her.
As soon as we were within an arm's reach, we collided into each other, falling into each other's arms. I could vaguely hear the gasps coming from the people standing all around us, but I didn't give a shit. I should have kept formation with my other men, but I just couldn't fight the pull I had to get to Bella. Bella held on to me so tightly, it was like she thought I'd disappear if she didn't. I stood there and held her, letting her guttural sobs and cries escape, until she was left only sobbing gently into my chest. I ran my fingers through her soft chocolate hair, then gently capturing her face with my hands to bring her gaze to mine.
"Let's go, Bella," I said, so softly I didn't think she heard me.
"I don't think I can make it."
"I'll help you," I promised.
After a minute, she nodded in agreement. I placed one arm under her shoulder, and bent down to place my other arm under the back of her knees, and lifted her up. I clutched her to my chest as she laid her head on my shoulder. I carried her to the car, opened the door, and placed her gently inside.
I got in the car, started it up, and slowly drove away from the last place we'd ever see Charlie Swan.
It was only a few minutes of silence before I heard Bella clear her throat again, and begin to speak.
"Thank you, Edward," she simply replied.
"Any time," I answered.
"Edward?"
"Hmm-hmm?"
"What are we going to do now?" she asked me. Her voice was still ragged, tired. Weak.
I thought about it for a minute before I answered. Immediately, I smiled to myself because Charlie would have done the same thing if he were me, today.
"Bella… tonight, we drink. To Charlie." I turned to look at her; she had an expression that I couldn't make out.
"We drink?" she asked.
I nodded. "We drink. Everything else can wait until tomorrow."
"Okay," she replied, chuckling. "Tonight, we drink… to Charlie."
She smiled a little smile at me, as I drove us home to celebrate Charlie's life, in the best way we knew how.
Oh, my goodness…drinking + heartfail always = disaster! I hope these two crazy kids know what they're doing…
Oh, and if you're on Twitter, follow me! www(dot)twitter(dot)com/akeimCMT
Be forewarned though…it gets pretty vulgar in my neck of the woods. ;)
Reviews make Deputyward get drunk & strip. Just sayin.