Bella's POV

Some days it felt like I was drowning or caught in a rip being dragged out to sea. On others it felt like I was hovering above my body watching what was happening but not really experiencing it. Some days I wanted nothing more than to stay in bed and sleep, forget everything. But sleep was not a reprieve for me; the nightmares came without fail every time I closed my eyes. When I craved it most, sleep would allude me and I would lie awake for hours caught up in my own web of self pity and despair. Carlisle had finally convinced Mom that medicating me would help, and it had to an extent. I was on a low dose antidepressant and anti-anxiety medication, but was keen to get to the stage where I wouldn't need to take it at all.

We had moved back to Alaska, but as far away from our cousins as we could get. I didn't want to face them, not yet. That and the fact that the family had decided it was best they didn't know of my physical shield and it was better for everyone to keep them in the dark. They already knew too much. One summons from the Volturi and me and my freakish abilities would be known by the powers that be. They would either collect me or kill me. No one was sure which.

Carlisle had a few theories on my abilities. One being that because I had been raised by vampires, not humans, and my shield had been discovered at a young age, that the training had merely exacerbated an ability that some humans may have naturally but never have a chance to discover. Another was that I was truly 'gifted' as they called it. Another was that the drug use of my parents had set something off, but there was no concrete evidence on any theory, and without other humans to use as guinea pigs, there wasn't likely to be. I hadn't felt or seen my physical shield since James, and I didn't much care to. I was slowly moving on with life, but still haunted by the memories of what I had done.

We lived quite remotely in Canada this time. Carlisle still worked at a hospital, but the rest of the family were taking a 'well deserved rest from high school' as they put it. I called it babysitting. Esme was home schooling me with the help of Jasper for History and English and Edward for Science and Math. I was nervous around large groups of people. Carlisle thought that it was extreme anger and fear which set off my shield, but until I was sure it wouldn't be triggered by something else, I was wary of school. I had weekly sessions with Jas, who was the most recently trained psychologist, during which the rest of the family cleared out to hunt.

In the first weeks after we moved to Canada, I had reverted to sleeping in Edward's bed again, but I had noticed Dad giving Edward death glares and decided it was time to grow up and learn to sleep on my own. I was almost fifteen and to be fair, it probably was a bit weird. It didn't work out so well at first, but I confessed to Jas in one of our sessions and he gave me some techniques. I know started counting backwards from 1000 in time with my breathing, it usually took me till the 200's to sleep, but it was better than nothing.

As part of my therapy, Jasper had decided I should try to reconnect with each member of my family. Our roles were changing as I got older, and though my parents were still always going to be my parents, it was hard to see Jasper and Alice as my Aunt and Uncle. And defining what Edward meant to me was near impossible, though I didn't feel comfortable discussing it with Jas yet. I wasn't sure what was happening but I had been even more drawn to Edward of late than when I was younger. He was like a magnet to me, wherever he was, my body unconsciously angled itself in his direction. Jasper thought it would be good for me to rediscover my place in the family, and so my homework from him after one of our sessions was to spend at least a little time each week alone with each member of my family. To get to know them as well as the role they had been playing in my life for the past fifteen years.

Later that same evening after the rest of the family had come back from their hunts, I went and found Carlisle in his study. Even though I had heard some of his stories before, I had him talk to me about his human memories, when he was first turned and his new born years. He truly was good to his core, from what I knew of being a new born, it was almost impossible to resist the blood lust, but he had managed somehow. Eventually he told me it was time for bed. There was still so much I wanted to know. Gramps was fascinating and he had literally lived through so much. He chuckled at my curiosity and told me he was more than happy to talk to me about his life anytime. I decided then and there that I hadn't spent enough time talking to him as I grew up, and that regardless of whether this was supposed to be homework, I would be back to talk to Carlisle at the same time next week.

The next day after Esme had switched her teacher hat back to her Nana hat, I followed her up to her office. She had pictures of a large white house on the edge of a forest pinned all over her wall and what I assumed to be the rooms within the giant house. She explained that it was our house in Forks, Washington which was where we would be moving next, and that she was redecorating it. She let me pick a room, describing where each was situated in the house. We spent hours together poring through paint and fabric swatches for what would be my room eventually. We settled on lilacs and whites and I chose a corner room with two full walls of window looking out over the forest and river beyond the house. Esme showed me pictures of how the others had chosen to decorate their rooms over the years and eventually pulled out old photos of the family for us. I sat snuggled into her side, her arm over my shoulders as we giggled at our family over the decades. I paused to look up and take in Esme, her golden eyes sparkling, her caramel hair framing her face. She looked down at me, sweeping some hair behind my ear and kissing my forehead.

"I love you so much sweetheart." She said.

"I love you too Nana." I replied snuggling further into her side. Something about Esme was so loving, so maternal. You couldn't not feel whole and loved with her.

Mom and I spent time in the garage, tinkering with my Corvette. Knowing I would be able to drive in a year was a big incentive to do my baby up the way I wanted her now. I apologized to Mom for pushing her away, for scaring her. She pulled me into the driver's seat of the Corvette and jumped into the passenger seat herself.

"I'd like to tell you about my change my lovely." She had my hand clasped in hers.

"I thought I knew about it already." I said. I had been told that she had been attacked, left for dead and changed by Carlisle.

"You know the basics." She looked at me. "But you're old enough now for the truth. And it might explain my protectiveness of you around James. He reminded me a lot of Royce, my fiancé. He was the one who attacked me."

She continued into her tale. She told me of Vera, of her parents, or her vanity. She told me the truth of the attack and what she had been though and explained how afraid she was when she thought the same thing would happen to me and there was nothing she could do to stop it. She told me how much trouble she had had adjusting to life as a vampire, how she wanted me to be sure it was what I wanted before I went through with it. She told me that before I came into her life, even Dad hadn't been enough to make her feel whole. She didn't want that for me, she didn't want me to regret like she had.

I awkwardly slithered across the centre console and into my Mother's lap. I threw my arms around her and cried for her the tears she couldn't cry.

"I love you Mommy. I'm sorry for what happened to you. I'm sorry for not listening to you about James."

"I love you too Bella Boo. Don't cry for me, it was a long time ago, and I have you now, my family is whole, I'm whole again because of you. You're a different person that I was though my sweet, you want different things. You know I believe it was fate that brought you to us. You are so gifted, so incredible, a human family would have hindered you. You were meant for more, you were meant for us." Mom cleared her throat.

"So you say you want hot pink leather for the interior?"

That was Mom's way of changing the conversation, she didn't get emotional often, didn't show her softer side, but as painful as it was, I was glad she had shared her story with me. It made me understand a bit better how protective she was of me around males, but more importantly it helped me to understand her. She would always be my Mother, regardless of the fact we looked closer in age to sisters, but it was nice to finally see a bit of Rosalie Hale too.

The following day as I was eating the blueberry pancakes Esme had made me for breakfast, Alice bounced into the room, keys to her yellow Porsche dangling from her finger tips.

"Yes, I'd love to go shopping with you today Bella!" she trilled.

"I haven't asked you yet." I was still half asleep and grumpy.

"But you were going to after breakfast, so I thought I'd strike preemptively. Your shopping clothes are laid out on your bed. We leave in half an hour."

I knew better than to argue with Alice. We hit the mall and Alice complained the whole time about the lack of designer stores to be found in our part of Alaska while simultaneously flinging things at me left right and centre.

"It's time to get you out of this rebellious phase of dressing my darling." She sighed. "From now on you are going to be all about class, and we are getting you in heels, no arguments. I'll teach you how to walk." She never stopped flicking through racks of clothing. "We need to do a trip to New York soon and hit up some decent shops. I've already ordered you some new things direct from the designers though. I can already see they'll look perfect on you."

Eventually we had to break to get lunch for the human.

"Ali?" I asked. "Am I happy in the future? Do you see me getting over this? Do you still see me becoming like you?"

She smiled fondly at me and ran her fingers through my hair. "Yes Bella, I see you being very happy in the future. Amazingly happy. You'll get past this, you just need to keep working on it, keep up your sessions with Jasper. I know you'll get there, I've seen it. And yes, I still see you becoming one of us, though you know you already are in so many ways. But I've seen it, and you know better than to bet against me."

"Mom was talking to me yesterday about why she regretted being like she is. She said until I came along she hadn't really felt whole, even with Dad. I want to change Alice, I do. But I'm scared. Not about the not having children part, but what if I don't find my mate like you guys did. There aren't many vegetarians in your world, and I couldn't date a carnivore." I was keeping it cryptic seeing as we were in a large mall surrounded by humans. "I know Edward is lonely, what if I end up lonely too?"

Alice smiled at me indulgently. "Neither you nor Edward has to worry about being lonely. I've seen it, you both end up finding your mate. Everything works out perfectly in the end, just how it should. There was a reason you ended up with us Belly, and you know I don't give out specifics unless it's life or death, but that reason will become clear."

I couldn't help the pang of jealousy that shot through me at the thought of Edward finding a mate. I could only selfishly hope that by the time he did, I would be vampire and happily mated.

I asked Alice about herself after that. I knew she didn't remember her human life, so I stuck to the vampire one. Was she happy as a vampire. Yes, because she had Jasper and our family and had never known any better. When did she get into fashion? Once she had found Jasper before they came to our family, they went to Paris and Alice met Coco Chanel and fell in love with her work and fashion in general. What was it like to know the future? Lots of pressure, sometimes too much, but overall a blessing in disguise. How did she know Jasper was the one? She knew from the second she woke up to this life, his face was the first she saw in her mind once she had awoken.

We talked and laughed and reminisced as we drove home. Alice, I decided, was definitely a cool big sister as opposed to an Aunt. I knew I could go to her about anything and she'd support me and keep my secrets. Even if it meant translating War and Peace into Maori to keep it from Edward. Maybe, just maybe, when I had my feelings for Edward sorted I could talk to her about them.

I knew Dad had been particularly hard on himself over what had happened with James. He was kind and intelligent, but tended to pride himself on his strength and ability to protect his family, and with James, he felt as though he had failed. With that in mind, it was him I planned some one on one time next

"Hey Bella Boo" dad said as I found him in the garage propping a car up for Mom.

"Hey Daddy, I was wondering whether we could spend some time hanging out? Just us?" checking Mom had taken the weight of the car, not that it would have hurt her if it fell on her, but the car might have been hurt, Dad picked me up and swung me round.

"I'd love to Boo Boo. What did you have in mind?"

"Well, I was actually thinking we could hit up the fitness centre in town?"

His Eyebrows raised "The Fitness Centre? But you hate sport? And I can't use my full strength."

"I know, but I've got a few ideas up my sleeve I thought you could help me with."

It was true. In one of our sessions, Jasper had also suggested that exercise was something that could help me, I had come up with something I thought would be both good exercise and maybe help me if I ever somehow got into a James situation again. I wanted Dad to teach me Krav Maga – an Israeli Combat system which involved both defensive and offensive movements. I knew Dad had learnt in the 60's after my family had met some vamps who had been in the Israeli military before being turned. I thought that maybe if I had a physical way to defend myself, my shield wouldn't need to kick in to protect me. Plus it was a way of helping Dad to feel useful again.

Dad loved it. Even though he couldn't properly fight me, he was overjoyed to be teaching me something which could help me to protect myself. Though Dad was also a big fan of me learning to use my physical shield. Anything to protect me. That and he thought it was super cool I was human and had 'super powers' as he called them.

After we had been at it for about an hour and a half, Dad suggested we hop in the lap pool at the centre to relax a bit. He explained that when he had been human, he had actually been quite a good swimmer, albeit in the river out back of his family farm. After protesting my clumsiness, it had actually turned out that I was far more graceful in water than on land, and swimming laps was a great way to clear my head. Dad readily agreed to bring me back to the centre in a few days to teach me a few more moves and for me to swim again.

"Do you like being a vampire Dad?" I asked on the drive home.

He looked at me sideways. "Yea, I do. It's great, I have your Mother, I have you. I have my family. I'm super strong, good looking." He winked at me. "It may not be what I imagined my life to be like when I was a kid, but this is as good as the next thing, and if it means I get to spend eternity with the people I love, then I'm in."

That was Dad, never dwelled on the negatives. For him, it was simple. He got to spend an eternity with Mom and I and the rest of the family and that, for him, was worth it. Of my whole family, Dad was the one who I knew best, not because I was closer to him than Mom, but because for Dad it really was that simple and he never felt the need to hide anything.

"What about your slip ups Dad?" I asked quietly. Dad had come across his singer a few decades ago and drained her on the spot.

He sighed. "Bella Boo, I'm not going to lie to you. That sucked. Excuse the pun. I felt terrible afterwards, terrible. And that guilt still surfaces sometimes. But I can't let it rule me. I made a mistake, it was horrible, and I can't even say that it won't ever happen again. But I can tell you that I'm committed to this life we lead, and I will do everything in my power not to let it happen again. And I won't let you hurt anyone once you turn. I know your Mother has the stupid idea you'll be stronger than me in her head, but I'll hold you back kiddo."

"Thanks Dad. Love you."

"Love you too Bella Boo."

Jasper was next on my list. It was a bit awkward at first seeing as a) He knows I'm hanging out with him cos he told me to, b) he knows all my deepest darkest feelings due to being my shrink and c) Alice had recently started talking to me about their sex life as she had established we were sisters, not aunt/niece. Jas however, sensing my discomfort as only he could, sent me a wave of calm and we settled into a game of chess. He'd been teaching me since I was four so I was pretty good at it and could actually give him a run for his money. He always won though since his vamp brain could take in more than my measly human one. He reckoned I'd be able to kick his ass and Edward's as a vamp.

Once he'd bet me, I asked him about his newborn days. I knew that 'Uncle Jasper lived with bad vampires when he was new' from my kiddy days when that was all the information I was entrusted with. But this time Jasper opened up to me, admitting his part in culling newborns, his relationship with Maria and the humans he had feasted on without second thought. It was the only way he knew.

"I know I'm your psychologist Bells, and that this is a bit weird for you, but I'm still just me, the Jasper you grew up with. I'd send you to another shrink if you wouldn't be committed for some of the stuff you claim you can do." He smirked at me.

"I know Jas. And this has been cool, just hanging out. You make a pretty sweet big brother you know."

"Glad to be of service darlin'." Jasper drawled at me.

Spending some alone time with Edward was certainly not a big ask. I spent more alone time with Edward than with the other members of my family combined. Having noted that, I realized I should probably attempt to balance it out a little. But I did have eternity to worry about that.

I knew Edward's story, I'd heard all about his 'rebellious years' when I was having my own rebellious time with James. I think the point to him telling me was to show me that it was possible I would come to regret it later. At the time a story about a vampire defying his adoptive parents and killing a bunch of people didn't seem comparable to me sneaking off to see my boyfriend and blocking my psychic sister's visions. It still wasn't, but I know got the whole regret and pushing away those that cared about you part. Plus there was a part of me that was super glad someone other than me had killed off some scum like James.

I was having some major issues with my feelings for Edward. I was fifteen, so in short, a hormonal teenager, and I was most certainly having some not so platonic thoughts about the permanently seventeen year old dude who had helped raise me/was a brother to me without ever having been defined as a brother. In fact, the more I thought about it, I realized that most of my family, in fact all of my family other than my Father, had actively avoided ever labeling or treating Edward as my brother or uncle in the last few years. Even when Jasper was 'Uncle Jas'.

But I had no idea what to do with my feelings for him. And they had only been getting stronger as time went on. I was hesitant to dwell on them, not wanting to think about it, just wanting to bury my head in the sand and have them disappear. It started off small, like the way I would catch myself thinking about him when I was having one of my panic attacks and it would calm me, or the way when he touched me, my heart fluttered (which was awkward cos I knew he could hear it). I'd started dreaming about him too, it was always innocent, just us holding hands, him brushing hair out of my face, the simple things he did in everyday life, but somehow my hormone addled brain was turning them into more. Now I always unconsciously angled myself toward him when he was in the same room. My sitting close next to him wasn't an unusual occurrence by any means, but now I almost flat out refused to sit next to anyone else. I had heard Carlisle on the phone to Tanya the other day and had the sudden urge to punch her in the face, even if it did break my hand, because she always flirted with him.

I would go out of my way to brush past him, just to feel his touch, which was ridiculous because we'd been close since I was tiny and I'd fallen asleep in his arms until a couple of years ago. But I hadn't felt the fluttering back then.

My confusing feelings for him had made it worse when he started pulling away from me a little. It was small things like the fact that when I felt the need to sit right next to him, he would need to get up and do something. He would hug me, but we never snuggled anymore. I'd used to sit in his lap without it being awkward, and even though I hadn't tried that one since I got confused, I thought it was best not to try. I wondered if I had done something to him, and for a couple weeks I had even panicked that he had read my thoughts, but I had to willingly let down my shield and I hadn't done that with him in a while.

Every now and then I would catch Alice giving him the evil eye or looking at him with concern on her face. Her looks generally coincided with his attempts to blow me off. It made me worry about what she was seeing in his future. She had told me he ended up happy, that we both did, but I couldn't help the jealousy that coursed through my veins when I thought about him finding his mate. I couldn't explain it to myself just yet, but I didn't want Edward to be with anyone else. He was mine, only I hadn't quite figured out in what capacity I wanted him.