Chapter Four

Speak

Renee woke hours later and glanced at the clock. It was a little past three in the morning. She found herself much in the same position as they had been the night before, though she guessed at some point Jack had covered them with the blanket, which rested at the bottom of the bed.

She was careful not to stir Jack as she found a more comfortable spot. He wrapped his arm around her tighter, but he didn't wake. She studied him as he slept. She wondered how he could be. How he could be both men, how the arms that held her were the same arms which could render her unconscious, and on one occasion they had. The hands that caressed her were the same hands which held many guns on many days, like the two they had experienced together.

It was something she guessed she would marvel at forever. She would ever be in awe of him. She guessed they would always endear him to her, the two men who possessed him. The man who could love her and the man who could get information off (or would have if he wasn't stopped) a senator's corrupted Chief of Staff with nothing but a stun gun.

She glanced at those hands. Scars shone white in the moonlight streaming from the open curtains. Scars she knew covered his body. Scars from a fight that wasn't his to begin with covered his body. Scars from China, scars from men he didn't utter one word to in eighteen months.

She was amazed at his dedication. He was a man of honor, a man of trust, a man of his word. If she couldn't trust Jack Bauer with her heart, to whom could she entrust it? She supposed there was no one else.

No one who wouldn't judge what she'd done. No one else she could trust to see her heart and know they hadn't seen too much. So, she guessed in a way, she owed him. She owed Jack her heart in the very least. Sharing a life wasn't enough. He deserved her heart, of that she was certain. Did she love him? Quite possibly. She wasn't sure, not one-hundred percent, anyway.

Could she love him? Did she even know how to anymore? She wasn't sure. Her mother's words somehow found their way to echo in her head. 'There isn't a man alive who will love you until you love yourself. Be true to yourself, and then you can truly give your heart to someone else.'

She knew the right question: Do you love yourself, Renee? Did she? She knew she had to answer that question first. Or she'd never have an answer for the other question in her heart. Did she love Jack?

JRJRJRJRJRJRJR

"Ms. Walker, how are you today?" Dr. Fischer asked. The woman had a kind face. It was heart-shaped. Dark hair framed her face. Her bright green eyes seemed to sparkle. She had a firm handshake and a pretty smile.

"I'm okay, thank you," she said as she glanced at Jack once more. He was seated in a chair near the office door. He'd wait on her.

The doctor was younger than her by a few years, Renee guessed. She wondered if she could really help her as she stepped into her office. She closed the office door and there was no more Jack.

The office itself was clean and void of clutter. Few bookshelves stood on one side of the room, filled with psychology titles. Her desk had a few trinkets that adorned it, and a framed picture.

She offered Renee a seat on her plush black leather couch. It was soft. She glanced at the coffee table in front of her, there was a box of tissues sitting on it. She wondered if in her work, the doctor needed them after her sessions. She wondered what kind of stories she'd heard inside these walls, sitting in that chair, manila folders open, pen ready to write.

Suddenly she wondered if she would judge her, if she would see her as a monster too. Hopefully not, Renee might have begun to think it's true. Maybe it was.

She smiled politely at Renee and she tried to smile back. "So, Ms. Walker," Dr. Fischer began.

"I'd prefer Renee, if it's okay with you."

"Of course, Renee. What brings you here?"

"I want to feel better."

"About what?"

"About…everything, about myself. I want to learn to live with what I've done. I don't want to be a monster anymore."

"What happened to make you feel this way?"

Someone called me a monster, and I guess that day, that moment, I was. Instead, Renee shrugged. "Talking about talking to you is a lot easier than actually doing it, you know?"

She smiled that pretty smile. "I hear that a lot. You don't have to tell me everything. If you want you could start by telling me about your life right now. What's a typical day for you like?"

"Uh," Renee laughed. Where to start?

"I see a gentleman came with you," Dr. Fischer said after many beats of silence.

"Jack." Renee stated. However, she was certain the doctor knew who he was, with knowing Stephen and all. She supposed many people know who Jack Bauer is, and probably know about many of the things he'd done. His hearing wasn't closed. It was open to the public. It was run on CNBC, CNN, Fox News, you name it, it was there.

"How do you know him?"

"I met him," a million years ago, "when I was still with the FBI. We worked a case together. And then one not so long ago." However, it feels like years have passed even between that last day and now.

"And now?"

And now? "We're more than friends…less than lovers."

"Do you love him?"

"I-I don't know. Lately I've been asking myself if I even love me. I don't think I can answer the Jack question before I answer the me question. He's everything to me, though. He's caring and understanding. In fact, I think he's the only person in the world who could ever truly understand the things I'm going through. And yet, here I am. Talking to a complete stranger. When it should be him…"

"Have you tried to talk to Jack?"

"I've started conversations a million times with him over the past six and a half months. However, it's all been in my head. Nothing real."

"Why is that? Do you think he'll look at you differently?"

Renee shrugged. "Maybe. Maybe if I let him too close he'll see that it's all too much. My demons and his…it would all be too much."

"Do you ever want to leave?"

Renee half-smiled. "I tried it. Once. Thought about it another time. I don't think about it anymore. What we have…It's the best thing I have going for me. Probably ever. It's solid and real and…tangible. I don't know what I'd do without this part of my life. I don't know what I'd do without Jack."

"It's good that you have someone like him. So you think he might look at you differently? Why is that?"

"Everything that's happened. It's been my fault. Loosing my job with the FBI…everything else…"

"And what exactly prompted that?"

I almost tortured a man to death. I put down my badge and tortured a man. He had this stupid smirk on his face. He didn't after we were done. However, he didn't do much of anything after we were done. I can still hear his screams. When I close my eyes and think of that day I feel Jack's hand on my face and I hear Wilson screaming. It was something that had to be done. I don't regret it. I broke his nose on the table. I used his tie to strangle him. I…

"Renee?"

She shook her head. She smiled a small smile. "That day. I didn't regret anything.," maybe being called a monster, "then Alan Wilson happened. He was so smug. He was so sure we couldn't link him to any of it. To the pathogen, or any of the people connected to it. I had to do something. I had to do something or I'd live the rest of my life thinking I could have helped. I guess I was more like Jack Bauer even then."

"Do you regret it now?"

"No. Not really. I got the information I was looking for. I regret what happened afterward. I fell apart. Then Jack found me. I don't understand how he can look through it all. I think he sees more of me than I do. I don't understand how he's still around. I don't understand how he loves me."

"Do you see your own worth, Renee?"

Renee shrugged. "It's difficult to see through all the scars."

The doctor smiled at her and Renee couldn't read her. "I'm glad you chose to come in today, Renee. I hope you'll come back next Tuesday, but for now, our time is up. I look forward to talking you again. Maybe some of those scars will begin to fade away."

The two women stood. Renee smiled. "It was nice talking to you. Thank you."

"You're welcome. Will you be back next week?"

Renee nodded. "I'll try."

"Okay, and I hope I'll see you next week. It was a pleasure, Renee."

The two shook hands and the doctor opened the office door for her. Jack looked up as Renee looked his way. He put down the magazine he had been reading.

He didn't ask how it went and she liked it that way. It was still all too heavy even for her mind. He did take her hand, however. She realized then that her palms were sweaty. She guessed he didn't care. She hoped the doctor hadn't.

"You want to grab some lunch?" He asked once they were back in the truck.

"Sure. There's that new deli, close to the house. We could go to the park and eat."

"We can do that."

JRJRJRJRJRJR

The two sat quietly after they had eaten. He knew the question was looming between them. He wondered when he was going to ask it.

Jack cleared his throat after he'd eaten his sandwich and taken a long swig of water. He watched as she picked at the last half of her sandwich. He wondered what she was thinking. He wondered if she felt better. He wondered if some of the weight was lifted.

"How did it go?" There. Jack almost held his breath while waiting for her answer. He watched as she turned and watched a couple of kids playing on a jungle gym. They were arguing over who's dad was stronger.

He heard her sigh. "It was okay. It got easier to talk to her. She's not invasive and she mostly listens, with a question here and there. I think I'll be going back."

Jack smiled and rubbed her back. "That's great." He meant it. It was great.

"I feel like I should be telling you all this."

Jack shook his head. "I'm just glad you're talking about it with anyone. I don't care who it is, Renee. It's good that you're talking it out."

He watched her nod. He wrapped up the rest of her sandwich for her and placed it in the paper bag in which they had been. He tossed their trash in a nearby garbage can. He made his way back to her and took her hand, pulling her up from the picnic table.

"You want to go home?" He asked.

"Yes."

"Good, come on. maybe we could walk Toby."

Renee nodded. "That would be good."

Jack offered her the keys and she took them. They found themselves home in just a few short minutes. Soon, the three of them were walking down the sidewalk.

Jack had taken Renee's hand as she led Toby with her free hand. He wondered if this was the start of something. Something else. Something beautiful. He hoped it was. She didn't deserve this. Not after everything. She deserved so much more than nightmares and a few good days. She deserved so much more than all of this.

She deserved to be happy all the time. He supposed that was his job now. whatever made her happy he would do. He'd prove to her that he loved her, beyond words, he'd prove to her that she could give her heart to him. Someday soon, he hoped.

TBC in Light Meets the Dark