Chapter 19---Here's another chapter of this FF story. I hope you enjoy it, thanks for reading and your comments!
She waited for him while the other women departed the Brick to head on home after spa night had officially closed down shop. They had all helped Shelli put the ingredients away while finishing up Maggie's cookies. She had pulled C.J. aside and said that she had saved the last dozen for her to take home and C.J had smiled in response because, damn they were delicious. Maybe she could hand a couple to Matt to sample to break the ice, not that he had much of a sweet tooth. He loved barbecue, barbecue and some beer to wash it down not necessarily in that order.
A soft snow had begun to drift down on Cicely that evening, silently while most people's minds were elsewhere and it took a while for it to stick, painting the town in white . C.J.'s attention had naturally been focused on what she would say to Matt to bridge the gorge between them that had developed when he found out she was pregnant and had kept it from him. She frowned at that choice of words. She hadn't exactly meant to keep that information to herself, she just had to be sure that he would embrace it and a life with her. She still didn't know exactly where she stood with him. Sure, she had told him that she loved him but he hadn't answered back in the same words. Words that she had been waiting much longer to hear than she could admit. But maybe to him it hadn't been about love, just spur of the moment physical attraction sparked by their close proximity on this case. Maybe he didn't want a relationship with her outside the boundaries of their close friendship. Maybe…
She swallowed her thoughts and still waited for him. Suddenly he appeared dressed in his thick coat and entering the restaurant. He shook the snow off of his coat and she chuckled despite it.
"This sure isn't L.A. and palm trees, is it?"
He shook his head with a smile.
"It sure isn't," he said, "but it's pretty nice…if I attached a snow plow to my Porsche."
She folded her arms.
"I like it here," she said, "I missed having real seasons."
He knew she had been thinking of her years spent in Boston going to Harvard School of Law, the only time in their lives they had really been apart. After he graduated from Rice University, he had eschewed a professional football career and had gone straight into the military, a decision which raised some brows in his social circle, not to mention with his father. But his cousin Will enlisted so at least he had a partner in what some told him was a fool hearted decision. Why should he go risk his life in the army while so many other men and women were willing to do it? Matt didn't want to grow up to be a playboy partying his life away at country clubs, on yachts and seaside villas in Southern Europe. C.J. had never teased him for that, admiring him for his sense of returning his service to the country that had given him so much.
"It's tough to beat an autumn there," Matt admitted, "but I like to be some place warm when winter comes."
She relaxed while they engaged in some small talk, reminiscing about the past they shared together from the time they were young children. They had built so many good memories and lived richly through both happiness and adversity with a sense of hope and resilience that C.J. wanted to pass along to her child. Their child, she reminded herself.
"C.J…"
She looked up at him.
"We'd better get you home," Matt said, "Before the roads get bad."
She nodded, and they left the Brick to go find his car.
"I got a lift here from Ed," she said, as he opened the car door for her to step inside.
He turned on the heater and soon warmth filled the enclosure. The car started without any problems and he started driving to her cabin.
She leaned back in the seat and allowed the heat blasting out to surround her. The road ahead remained visible and soon enough, he turned onto the small dirt road that led to a row of cabins including hers.
"Who lives there," Matt pointed to another cabin.
"Oh that's Joel's," C.J. said, "It looks like he's home."
"Does he have any kind of…social life?"
C.J. smiled.
"He had a fiancée, I think her name was Elaine," she said, "but she dumped him for a much older man, a judge in New York."
"I'm not surprised," Matt said, "He's got a lot to learn about how to relate to women."
C.J. raised her brow at that statement.
"You mean like you," she said, "Houston, there's more to a relationship between a man and a woman than sex."
He shot a look at her and she looked away, not believing that she had actually said that.
"That's not fair C.J.," he said, "We were good friends long before we were lovers."
She nodded at that.
"True," she said, "but how many close friends have you had that were women?"
"I love women," Matt said, a bit defensively, "I've had many friendships over the years with them."
"Okay that wasn't fair," she admitted, "but we spent years as great friends and we never wound up in bed together."
Certainly true, he admitted, but things had clearly changed between them. And he for one didn't want to go back, but what about her?
"Do you regret what happened," he asked.
She shook her head.
"I'm the one who said I loved you."
Her words irked Matt but he knew he had only himself to blame for that. She had exposed her feelings to him and he had stepped back. He had believed at the time he had plenty of opportunity to share his own feelings but the explosion had nearly made a liar out of him.
"If I regretted what happen, I'd regret this baby and I don't."
The resolution in her voice when she said that made him smile. She had always been stubborn about sticking to things on principle and about the people she cared about in her life.
"I don't regret it either," he said, turning into the small driveway by the cabin.
"The baby or being with me?"
They got out of the car and walked into the cabin. C.J. turned on the lights and Matt started up the fire, her last question still between them.
"You don't have to stay," she said, "I'm okay."
"I want to stay," he said, "We need to talk about what's going on here."
She went to the kitchen to make some tea and asked him if he wanted anything to drink. He shook his head and she headed back to make herself comfortable on the sofa in front of the fire.
"I don't regret anything," he said, "Just being away from you."
She looked up at him to read his face which showed a mixture of emotions.
"I never meant to keep this from you," she said, "You coming back was such a big shock, one I'm grateful for, but still a shock."
"I'm not going anywhere," he said, "and I would never walk away from the two of you."
She looked at the flames dancing in the fireplace, knowing that he never would have made that statement unless he meant it.
"So what happens now," she asked, "Where do we go from here?"
"We could get married…"
If he expected her to happily agree to that, he didn't know her a well as he thought. She just looked at him for a long moment, making him feel like he was under a microscope.
"Usually when a fellow asks a lady that question, he gets more of an answer."
That fiery look came back into her eyes again and Matt wondered what was coming next.
"What did I say," he asked.
She folded her arms.
"I can't do it."
"Do what?"
"Marry you," she said, "Not like this."
Now he felt really confused.
"Like what?"
She sighed again.
"Because we had sex and you got me pregnant."
She pulled her feet up on the sofa and tucked them beneath her, studying the perplexed expression on his face, mixed with a trace of hurt. She hadn't meant to upset him but she meant what she said, she couldn't marry him just because he thought it was the right step to take He scratched his head.
"I thought it took a man and a woman together to make a baby."
She blushed a bit at that obvious truth, refraining herself from throwing a cushion at him.
"True," she said, "but I don't want you to marry me because you feel like you have to do it."
"C.J. I want to do it," he said, "A child needs both of his or her parents to raise it."
She believed that too, remembering how the both of them had often wished they had both of their parents in their lives. Matt had never known his mother while growing up and she lost both of her parents. But marriage, that had to be based on something more than obligation.
"I know that Houston," she said, "but we can do that without being married to each other."
He pondered that.
"We don't have to do it that way," he said, "My way is better."
C.J. shook her head. Had she really not known he was old fashioned? But he had asked the other women to marry him based on the fact that he loved them. At least at the time.
"I'm not going to marry you," C.J. said, "and you don't have to ask out of some sense of obligation."
"That's not why I'm asking," he said.
She sighed again.
"Isn't it?"
Matt heard the weary tone in her voice and sensed that somehow he was its source. She had looked away from him again so he couldn't read her expression.
"Houston, maybe we only got together because of the case we were working on," she said, "Pretending we were married caused us to let our guards down."
He listened to her try to rationalize the night they had spent together.
"A bunch of circumstances that came up that might never repeat itself," she said.
"Wait a minute here," Matt interjected, "If that's the case, then what about the other night?"
Oh yeah, when they had been together in her kitchen washing dishes and one thing had led to another until she had brought it to a halt.
"About that…"
She had been about to blame it on hormones but then she'd be lying.
"Yes about that," Matt said, "and yet you don't want to get married?"
She closed her eyes, imagining it like she had for much longer than she would be willing to admit. But in her visions he had loved her and had married her for that reason, not because she had accidently gotten pregnant. Damn it, she had used birth control but of course it hadn't worked. Had she told him that? Well no, because they had been busy doing other things at the time. Maybe he thought she had gotten pregnant on purpose. She shook her head quickly, knowing that he knew her better than that. At least she hoped so.
"What's so bad about getting married," he said, "You told me that you loved me."
She rolled her eyes, wondering when he got to be so dense. She had loved him most of her life and he had treated her like some girl Friday whether she had been serving as the top attorney in his corporation or helping him out on his investigative business. A part of his life that eventually pushed most of the women in his life away.
"I did tell you that and I meant it," she said, "but it's not enough of a reason to get married."
Now frustration began to fill him.
"Then what is?"
She looked at him and shook her head, especially since the expression which met her eyes appeared genuinely confused. She stood up and put her hands on her hips.
"If I have to explain that to you, then I really can't marry you."
She walked off to the kitchen to cool off and pour herself some more tea. She wondered if he would follow her but he appeared glued to his chair. She checked the kettle on the stove and it still felt warm enough to the touch so she poured more water into her mug to steep her tea. The first mug had relaxed her but her conversation with Matt had stirred her up again. In more ways than one. She couldn't believe that he had thrown this half-hearted marriage proposal at her, just because of the baby. All she had heard so far from him on the subject was how obligated he felt to do the right thing by his flesh and blood. Okay, she admitted she was happy that he felt responsible enough to express those sentiments when some of the other men in her life would have turned tail and run if she had given them the same news. She knew Matt never ran away from anything, except perhaps from his feelings for her. Maybe he didn't know how he really felt…no Matt pretty much knew what he wanted in his life and didn't let anything or anyone get in his way. One of the reasons why he had proven to be an excellent businessman and a top notch private investigator. So why…
She took her mug out into the living room and Matt sat where she had left him, watching her carefully as she sat back in front of him. He looked at his watch.
"I should be going," he said.
She frowned.
"You don't have to go…"
"It's getting late," he said, "and you need your sleep."
She smiled at him putting the mug down.
"But we were talking…"
He ran his hand through his hair.
"I asked you to marry me and you refused," he said, "Maybe we should leave it at that tonight."
"I'm not doing this to hurt you," she said, "If I get married to you or anyone else, it would have to be for a better reason than you've given me."
"But the baby…"
She held her hand up.
"I'm more than capable of taking care of our child," she said, "without getting married to you."
He scratched his head.
"Why won't you marry me?"
She willed herself to be patient and part of her wanted to just spill it out to him but she knew he had to figure out this on his own.
"It's not you," she said, "It's me. I can't marry someone out of a sense of obligation. I'm not going to change my mind on that."
He bristled inwardly. Damn, she could be stubborn when she chose to be. He knew from experience that if he wanted to change her mind, he had to approach it from a different angle. But what that would be, would take some more thought. He picked up his things to leave her. She watched him, her heart sinking even as she put a smile on her face.
"I'm going to be back," he promised her, "We're not done talking."
She nodded and walked him to the door. He put his hands on his shoulder and kissed her on the forehead, telling her good night. She closed her eyes wishing he wouldn't leave but knowing she had to let him go.
And with that he left, closing the door behind her leaving her alone.