Chapter 6

Teyla Emmagan was immensely relieved that the baby shower had been such a success. Sometimes Sitnalta's desire to live every day to its fullest could get out of hand. This shower could have been one of those occasions. When the young woman had accompanied Teyla to the Athosian planet a few months ago, it had been she who had suggested to the Athosian women to throw Teyla the party.

Of course, the party had not resembled the earth tradition in any way, but that bothered neither the Athosians nor Sitnalta. All the women – including Teyla and the rest from Atlantis – had thoroughly enjoyed themselves. The children had spent several hours among the adults, braiding the women's hair. The children had been especially fascinated by Sitnalta and Doctor Weir's hair: both women's hair fell way down their backs. In fact, now with the number of braids – adorned with glittering beads – the two women made a striking pair: one delicately white and the other darker but somehow just as fragile-looking.

Torren made a little burping sound in his sleep and she cooed at him, momentarily distracted. A number of beaded braids fell over her shoulder and rattled softly. The Atlantis-group would reach the stargate within a few minutes, but before then she needed to talk to Weir. She knew her the best, and perhaps she could help Teyla with the problem that had been nagging at her for a few months now. So Teyla fell back a little and waited for Weir. The vanguard of the group – Jennifer Keller, Sitnalta and Laura Cadman – continued on, still discussing the evening. Moments later Teyla fell into step next to the older woman.

"Teyla," Elisabeth Weir said, always proper.

"Doctor Weir, can I talk to you for a moment?" Teyla asked.

"Certainly," Weir smiled. "How can I help you?"

Teyla was by nature direct and confident. Yet now she felt she had trouble looking directly at Weir.

"I...how do one deal with a friend who suddenly sees you as more than a friend?" she asked.

Weir did not answer immediately, and Teyla felt Weir's eyes on her. Fortunately Torren made another sound and she could coo at him, therefore she needn't look at Weir.

"I suppose you need to ask yourself whether you feel the same way about him," the dark-haired woman began. "Teyla, are we talking about Ronon?"

This made Teyla look at Weir, frowning. "I was not aware it was that noticeable," she said, a bit huffy. Weir smiled.

"I doubt if anybody else knows. But I happened to see the two of you together yesterday."

"Yesterday...yes," Teyla sighed. She had noticed the change in the big Satedan perhaps the same moment Ronon had realised his feelings for her. It had been on the Dagan planet and she had been dressed in that ridiculous light blue dress Sitnalta had insisted she wear. Okay, so the ploy had worked. But she had hardly been able to complete the negotiations after she had turned around that one moment and seen Ronon's face. He must not have been aware of his expression, for he was mostly not a man who expressed anything except a wild glee in battle. Yet that one moment she had seen the way he felt about her. And it still unnerved her.

Then yesterday she and Ronon had suddenly found themselves alone at the table in the mess-hall. Moments earlier John and McKay had been there with them, but then the two men had gotten up. And Teyla and Ronon had been left alone with suddenly nothing to say. Like two teenagers they had sat there, hardly eating, but not knowing how to excuse themselves from the table.

"You witnessed that," Teyla continued. Then she sighed. "I am not sure," she finally replied to Weir's question.

"I thought you were happy with Kanaan," Weir said. Teyla knew it was not an intrusive question. With some of the others it might have been, but Weir was just trying to lead her through all the options until they could find the answer together.

"I, too, thought I was happy with Kanaan. And I still love him. It is just..." Words failed her as she did not know how to explain it even to herself. She really loved Kanaan, but her love had changed somehow. She knew much of this had to do with the fact that ever since his incarceration by Michael, Kanaan was not the same. He was still gentle and strong, but many things had changed. "I often find myself looking at him, wondering where the man I had fallen in love with had gone," she finished.

"You are in love with the Kanaan you had known in the beginning?" Weir prompted. Though they were trekking through the woods in the dark of night, a dozen or so Athosian children were with them, each carrying a lamp to light the way. Laughter and the smell of cookies and flowers surrounded them with every step.

"Perhaps," Teyla agreed. "It often seems as if a fire in him has died. And I wish I knew how to relight that fire." She frowned. "But I am no longer sure I am the one that can do that."

"And does that make you feel guilty?" Weir continued with her questions. Teyla sometimes wondered at the secrets within the other woman's heart. They all trusted her and respected her as before, but something had made Weir close off part of herself to all of them. Teyla could guess at some of it – they all could. But the truth was still a mystery.

But now her own troubles – her own mystery – beckoned. She loved Kanaan, but it was true, he had changed. Well, she had changed as well. She said as much now, and then added:

"Change can bring people together, but too often it drives people apart. I have seen this happen on many an occasion." She touched Torren's soft downy head cradled near her heart. "I have just always thought I would be one to grow closer to another through change, not apart."

The look in Weir's eyes were haunted as she looked away. "We all think that." Again Teyla wondered at her secrets and how deep they went. "Tell me this," she suddenly said, looking back, the expression gone. "If Kanaan had not been an issue, would you have encouraged Ronon?"

"But now Kanaan is part of the issue," Teyla instantly replied, a bit snappy. She instantly regretted it, though. "Forgive me. I did not mean to talk so," she apologised.

Weir smiled a bit wryly. "Matters of the heart can be very frustrating."

"Yes, they can be." Just then Sitnalta and Cadman joined them, and the conversation changed. But Teyla hardly joined in the talk. Her thoughts were on the other side of the galaxy, torn between the man whom she had once loved, and the man whom she could easily love. Weir was right, matters of the heart can be very frustrating.