The Gift

Part XXIV

Sami didn't need to worry about she would say to EJ because when she awoke the next morning, it was as if he were a mere acquaintance of hers, not someone she had shared a kiss with the night before. While she had expected there to be some degree of awkwardness between them, she never expected him to act like nothing had transpired between them at all. Then she mentally chastised herself, she was giving him mixed signals all over the place, so how should she expect him to react?

EJ wanted nothing more than to talk to Samantha and tell her that he still cared for her, but he knew it was a hopeless situation. He didn't want her pity, he wanted her love and he knew that was an emotion that she couldn't give him. So he'd do the best thing he could do for them both and leave her alone, trying to go back to the cordial relationship they'd had with one another since Madison was born or at least that is what he would strive to do.

He had to do something to keep his sanity, today was the day of Madison's first chemotherapy treatment and he just couldn't deal with these conflicting emotions Samantha was churning up within him along with the fear he felt for his daughter. So he'd just concentrate on helping Madison get well.

The first chemo treatment was hard for them all. Madison did her best to be brave, but it was apparent how scared she was despite all the positive encouragement she had received from her parents and the rest of the hospital staff. The doctors explained it would take longer the first time just to get everything set up and the ensuing hours seemed to drag on forever.

EJ had to say he was proud of Samantha; she didn't shed a tear during the entire process and stayed close by Madison during the entire afternoon, refusing to leave her side even for a moment. He felt sick to his stomach from the time the treatment began until it was finally over. He only wished Madison didn't have to undergo such treatments to cure her of this dreaded disease and this wasn't even a sure fire cure to stop the disease, but was one the doctors thought would help her in the long run.

Later on during the week, Dr. Lykens summoned both EJ and Sami into his office, breaking to them the news that so far there had not been a sufficient match for a bone marrow transplant for Madison out of the vast number of applicants who had given a sample to see if they were a match.

They sat there together listening to Dr. Lykens go over things patiently, explaining things that could possibly happen to Madison as the disease progressed.

"I just wanted to ask you both if you had given any further thought about conceiving another child to help Madison?" Dr. Lykens had to give them all their options and he needed for them to fully understand the ramifications of using the stem cells from a siblings and how it could benefit Madison.

EJ and Samantha were silent, both lost in their own thoughts. They never thought it would have to go this way, but now Dr. Lykens wanted them to face the very distinct possibility that this route could be the best way for them to go.

"Mrs. Roberts, I know you have expressed concerns that you aren't married to Mr. Wells, but I would be remiss if I didn't encourage you both to set some time aside to discuss this option more fully," Dr. Lykens tone was kind, he had grown so fond of their daughter and wanted her parents to be fully aware of everything that could affect Madison during the course of her treatments. He had seen them both trying to digest the news of the possible side effects from the chemo treatments. Madison had already been very nauseated since her first treatment, refusing food almost completely without the encouragement of her parents trying to get her to eat something, anything to keep her strength up.

"I think you both need to sit down together somewhere away from here and try to make some decisions about these options," Dr. Lykens suggested to them when they seemed immobilized over his latest statement.

"You're right Dr. Lykens, come on Samantha we need to go talk," EJ stood up and held out his hand to her, the first time he had come close to touching her in almost a week. Sami looked hesitant at first, and then took his proffered hand and they left Dr. Lykens office to go find a place to talk.

Walking down the hallway, neither spoke, until EJ broke the silence, "Let's take my car."

"Oh you mean you're actually going to speak to me now?" Sami turned accusing eyes toward him, finally venting her frustration over his lack of emotion toward her over the past week.

"Come on," EJ tugged at her hand, not realizing that he hadn't let go of it since they had left Dr. Lykens office, refusing to get into an argument with her here in the hospital.

"Whatever," Sami grabbed her hand away from his and started walking faster, needing to get out of the hospital even if it meant having this conversation with EJ that she was in no way prepared to have yet.

They got into his Mercedes, Sami scowling as EJ closed the door he had opened for her to get into the car. He got in on the driver's side closing the door, sealing them up together in the automobile. They hadn't ridden together anywhere in a car in so long that they both had to try to remember exactly when the last time had been.

EJ drove expertly, handling the car with ease as he sped up, going to a spot where he knew they would have privacy. They didn't need anyone interfering with the type of conversation they needed to have with one another. It was going to be difficult enough for the two of them without having anyone else's two cents on the matter they needed to weigh in on.

When he parked at a deserted spot by the lake, Sami sat there, her arms folded tightly above her chest and she refused to meet his eyes.

"Samantha, come on, look at me," EJ urged gently, trying to get her to look his way, but she wouldn't budge.

"Why should I? You've treated me like I've had the plague this past week," Sami said her emotions running high, she was so upset with him over his treatment of her.

"I don't know what you expect of me," EJ tried to explain, but failing miserably at his attempt.

"I thought we were becoming friends again," was her only answer as an unwanted tear fell down upon her cheek, which she viciously swiped away before he could reach out to touch her.

"I don't know if friends is all I can be with you," EJ replied, surprised at his own honesty, "especially if we decide to have another child together. Do you realize the enormity of what Dr. Lykens is suggesting for us to do?"

Finally turning to face him, "Of course I do EJ, but I can't do this if you are going to treat me like a stranger. This is hard enough as it is…"

"I know because of Lucas, he already hates me as it is, I can only imagine what kind of hell he will put you through for even considering this option," EJ interrupted Sami before she could finish her train of thought. "I know you love him and he is your husband, not me, yet here I am trying to come between you two again. I'm so sorry Samantha; there are so many things I wish I could have done differently in the past."

"EJ, things happened for a reason, I wouldn't trade having Madison for anything in the world, would you?"

"No, but I don't know about us having another child together, do you?"

Sami was silent, refusing to answer his question to her. She had almost told EJ all of her problems with Lucas, but maybe this way was better to let him think that her hesitation was because of what she would have to tell Lucas about trying to have another child with EJ. She knew she was taking the coward's way out, but she did owe it to Lucas to tell him everything, all the things that were on her heart, it was finally time to tell him the truth about everything once and for all.

"I need to go talk with Lucas," was all she said, when she could of said so much more, but the fear of EJ's rejection was too great, so she kept quiet. She'd know more of what to say to EJ after she had spoken with her husband, of that much she was sure.

"Okay," EJ started the car up again to take them back to the hospital, the silence between them deafening, both lost in their own thoughts about the future for all of them, if they decided to have another baby together all their lives would be changed forever.

The Gift

Part XXV

When they returned to the hospital, Sami left EJ at the parking deck, calling Lucas on her cell phone. After several tries she finally got a hold of him to ask him to meet her at their house.

The house was empty once again Sami noted as she opened the door and walked directly into the living room waiting for Lucas to come home. She wondered where Will was, it was almost as if he had been avoiding her for the past several days, then she shrugged it off thinking he was just catching up with family and friends that he didn't get to visit with often while he was away at school. She had tried to ask Will what was wrong during his latest visit to see Madison at the hospital, but he brushed her question off with questions of his own about his baby sister and before Sami knew it Will was off again before she'd ever had any answers from him.

Waiting for Lucas to come home, Sami turned on a lamp, the light banishing the darkness of the room despite doing little to cheer up her darkened spirits. This conversation with Lucas was long overdue, necessary in fact, but still as she surveyed the various pictures she had in the room showcasing the various stages of their life together she was overcome with sadness.

She was still looking at the pictures, her mind going back to when times had been happier within their family that she failed to hear Lucas enter the room until he spoke to her.

"Hey there Sami," was all he said as he came up behind her while she was looking at the pictures, tears in her eyes as she realized she was about to broach a subject with her husband that she was sure would change how they felt about each other.

"Hey," she turned around to face him, trying not to cry, but she couldn't help it. Looking at Lucas, thinking about their past and what she wanted for the future was tearing her apart.

"Come here and sit down," Lucas urged Sami over to the couch, which she gladly took a seat, fearing her legs would give out on her if she stood while trying to explain what was in her heart to Lucas.

"Oh Lucas," was all she got out before she started to cry, she bit her bottom lip and took a deep breath trying to settle her nerves before continuing.

"Is it something about Madison?" Lucas asked as a nagging voice in the back of his mind hoped this wasn't about his affair with Mimi. Will hadn't spoken to him since that night and to be quite honest Lucas didn't know if he had said anything to his mother or not about his indiscretion.

"Yes and no," Sami answered quizzically, then hung her head down afraid to look Lucas in the eye, then steeling herself to say the words that had been forming in her mind for such a very long time, she raised her head to meet his eyes.

"What is it?" Lucas reached out to put his hand on her cheek, which only caused Sami to cry again. "Come on Sami; please tell me you've got me worried."

"Lucas, you've been so many things to me over the years, my friend, my enemy, my lover, my husband…"

"I know," Lucas felt like something was wrong, but couldn't quite pinpoint where Sami was going with this conversation. "We've been through a lot together."

"You know I want you to be happy, don't you?" Sami asked her voice breaking.

"I want you to be happy too," Lucas confirmed as he took her by the hands and held them within his own.

"You know when you told me the other day that I needed to be honest about my feelings?"

"Yes, I remember," Lucas replied as he continued to hold her hands and could feel her shaking while he held onto her.

"I'm ready to be honest now," Sami said so softly that he could barely hear her speak.

"Okay Sami, just tell me what is on your heart. That is all you have to do," Lucas encouraged her, seeing what a hard time she was having as she tried to find the words she needed to say.

"I don't want you to hate me," Sami said, the tears spilling down her face as she looked into his eyes.

"You know I'm not going to hate you, whatever you say to me," Lucas stated as a feeling of calmness came over him, the anger that Sami usually riled up in him in the past long forgotten.

"I don't know, we used to fight pretty bad," Sami commented as her mind traveled back in time reliving some of their less stellar moments with one another.

"I think our fighting days are over, along with some other ones too," Lucas said saddened at the realization that Sami wasn't going to be able to make him feel the fury that she once had been able to during their lifetime.

"You know what I'm going to say don't you?" Sami asked feeling a calmness come over her soul despite the heartbreak that was running concurrent along with it.

"I think so, and don't worry I'm not going to blow up at you for saying it," Lucas tried his best to reassure her, knowing from their past history Sami would have a hard time believing what he's just said to her.

"Okay, here it goes," Sami took a deep breath and began to speak. "I've been trying so hard to make this work between us Lucas, but you were right, I'm thinking of someone else a lot of times when my heart if it was truly yours I wouldn't be yearning to be somewhere else, with someone else. You've tried to get me to admit it so many times, but you know how stubborn I can be."

"It's okay, your stubbornness was one of the things that attracted me to you in the first place," Lucas reached out to run a hand through her hair, knowing that this would be the last time he had the privilege to do so without making her feel uncomfortable.

"I'm ready to admit that I'm in love with someone else," She hung her head down again, not wanting to hurt Lucas, but feeling relieved at the same time.

Lucas lifted her chin, "I know you are Sami, I've known for a long time."

"Lucas I did love you, I still do, it's just not…"

"It's not the same kind of love you want to have with your spouse," Lucas understood completely, he knew exactly where she was coming from and he needed to be honest with her too, but he'd leave the telling of his relationship with Mimi for another time Sami needed to get this off her chest without him adding to the already emotional state she was in right now. "Hey, who would of ever thought we could have this kind of conversation without tearing the house down, screaming and trying to rip each other apart?"

"I guess we've both grown up some," Sami admitted.

"We've grown up and apart," Lucas agreed although it was tough to admit that fact to her.

Sami shook her head in agreement and before she could say another word, he took her in his arms and hugged her and they cried together as the both realized it was time to dissolve their marriage and go onto a new phase in their lives without each other.

Finally when the tears subsided, Sami sat up away from Lucas and looked around the room, this wouldn't be their home anymore.

As if he could sense her thoughts, Lucas said, "I'll call Uncle Mickey tomorrow to have the papers drawn up. I won't contest a divorce."

"Thank you Lucas," Sami hugged him again before she got up to leave him sitting there on the couch.

"You're welcome Sami," he whispered after watching her retreating form leave the house, knowing that letting her go without a fight was hard to do, but it was time for them both to let go of the past and concentrate on the future.