Chapter Three – Not Safe

Three days had passed and McKay seemed to be pulling away from them. He wasn't talking much now, only answering the briefest of questions. Withdrawing.

Daniel had reported his conversation and how McKay had shut him out. She should be enjoying the silence, the opportunity to talk to him about science without him pulling her theories to pieces, or ridiculing her experiments. The fact was, it wasn't pleasant to see him like this.

She'd tried to draw him out, expounding on theories she knew would normally have him frothing at the mouth; nothing. Well, the occasional snort, but even those were rare.

Physically, he was healing well. He would have scars on his back, but he was gaining strength, and Janet had released him to guest quarters on base a few hours ago.

He refused to talk to Dr MacKenzie, a psychiatrist from the local area hospital they had used before. That hadn't been a surprise though, considering the conversation with Daniel, but she knew the doctor was worried about his reactions. Warning of a breakdown in his future if he didn't open up to someone, and probably sooner rather than later.

She hadn't realised just how stubborn McKay could be when he set his mind to something. It was just a pity he chose to be stubborn about this.

The team had taken turns sitting with him, even Jack seemed committed to trying to help McKay. She knew that although Jack disliked the annoying Canadian, watching him being tortured had shaken them both more than expected. Especially as he should have been safe, being such an unlikely target. It had brought home to a lot of people just how unsafe anyone associated with the program could be. She knew that new security measures were being brought in, to offer better protection to scientists wherever they were based, not just at the SGC.

She was about to enter the control area above the gateroom when she heard the sound of a zat being fired from inside, three times. The alarms started soon after and the control room doors started to close. Instinctively, she slipped inside before the doors shut her out. She wasn't noticed fortunately, though she doubted that would last for long.

Two gate techs and a soldier were down, hopefully just stunned, and the blast shield had been raised. At the computer was… McKay. What the hell was he up to, and how the hell did she stop him? She didn't have a weapon, and she doubted she'd be able to make it to the fallen soldier without being zatted. Not to mention that she really didn't want to have to shoot him.

As she watched, he started the dialling sequence on the gate. She had a really bad feeling about this. Who could he be dialling and why? With him in control of the gate and the iris… oh crap. Had Anubis brainwashed him? Was their escape a sham? Or was there something else going on?

Whatever the case, she had no choice but to stop him.

She moved towards him slowly, keeping her hands up and to the sides, showing that she was unarmed. The movement caught his attention, and he watched her warily, the zat gun aimed and ready to use. She was rather surprised he hadn't shot her as soon as he'd realised she was there.

"Hey, what are you doing?" she asked, keeping her voice calm and level.

"Stay back," he said, eyes narrowing in suspicion.

"Okay, I'll just stay here," she soothed, waiting for an opportunity to show itself. She was sure she could take him in a hand to hand fight, though the zat was a potential problem. "So, what are you up to?"

"Letting him know he can send the bomb through. That the iris is disabled."

The matter of fact nature of the statement was every bit as chilling as the statement itself.

"Letting who know, and what bomb?" she pushed.

"Anubis. The bomb will destroy this facility."

"I see."

And she did. They had been played for idiots, and they were idiots; they should have checked for this. They had checked to make sure he hadn't become a host, but hadn't thought to check for brainwashing.

They really were idiots at times.

The gate was open by now, and he moved towards the radio. As he did so, though, one of the gate techs groaned, distracting him further.

She made her move, running into him before he could respond and knocking him to the ground, making sure he landed on his back. It was cruel, but necessary. Sure enough, he gave a yell of pain as his back, still healing and sore, hit the floor and she was able to knock the zat out of his hand. It flew away from both of them.

He came back with a clumsily aimed punch to her jaw which she was able to block easily with her arm, and then she slammed her own punch to the jaw home. It wasn't enough to knock him unconscious but it brought her the time she needed to jump up and go for the fallen zat.

McKay climbed to his feet unsteadily, tackling her awkwardly, but he was too late and fell to the floor, stunned.

Taking the time to make sure he was out of it, she then closed down the gate and unlocked the doors, retracting the blast shield as well.

And then she slumped down next to McKay, checking his pulse again, reassuring herself that he was alive. Alive, but compromised.

Damn.

It felt like they'd failed him again.

The Goa'uld were very good at brainwashing, she knew this from past experiences. She also knew that undoing it could be problematic. The use of a zat had been enough to free Rya'c from the effects, but for Teal'c it had meant taking him to the edge of death, which most likely wouldn't work on a human anyway.

When McKay had woken up, he struggled to get free, and was very clearly not cured. He cursed them soundly, demanding to be let free, to be returned to his 'lord'.

Of course, his 'lord' would reward failure with death, or worse, but pointing that out was pointless. McKay was convinced otherwise. He wanted to go back.

That was out of the question, of course. Though she was puzzled why he wasn't trying to act as though the zat had removed the brainwashing so as to wait for another chance. Why had Anubis not considered the possibility of failure and programmed in another attempt to fool them? And why would he want McKay to return? To kill him?

General Hammond had contacted the Tok'ra in the hopes that they might be able to help; they might know what technique was used and a way to undo it. They had also contacted the Asgard. So far, neither ally had replied.

Janet was keeping McKay sedated for the time being. There wasn't much else they could do right now. Suggestions had been made as to how to deal with this, but all of them were based on Earth techniques for brainwashing, not alien. If their allies were unable to help, they would have to try these ideas and hope for the best.

In the meantime, they just had to wait, and she hated waiting.

The reply from the Tok'ra was not encouraging. They had recently discovered that Anubis had a new form of brainwashing that they couldn't undo, involving nanites.

They did provide a specially designed scanner, which showed that McKay's nervous system and brain was infested with them. All attempts by the Tok'ra to counter the nanites had proven useless, and they had tried many different means. The only consolation was that the tiny robots were keyed into the subject's specific DNA and so couldn't spread to others.

It wasn't much of a consolation to her, or her team. And certainly not to McKay, who was trapped under the nanites' control.

A few hours later, Thor arrived, and much to her relief stated that the Asgard had come across something similar before. Even so, it was another day before Thor was able to design a nanite-based virus that would attack Anubis' nanites, deactivating them. The virus nanites would then deactivate as well, and McKay's body would absorb and expel the robotic remains.

She watched as McKay was anaesthetised. Thor had warned the procedure would be uncomfortable and possibly even painful, and it would be better for the McKay to remain unconscious throughout it.

And then the pseudo-virus was given, and it was back to one of her least favourite past times.

Waiting.

It was the sound of the heart monitor that reached him first. The scent of antiseptic was next. The pain… muted. He felt… free. He frowned at that thought, confused by it, and then the memories assaulted him.

Pain. Fear. The seemingly endless cycle of pain and rest and pain… the rescue… the betrayal as something took control of him, made him… he'd stolen a zat. At least he hadn't killed anyone… but he'd hit Sam. Not hard, she'd deflected his blow easily.

She'd hit him!

Damn, his jaw felt sore. Had she broken it?

Not that he didn't deserve it if she had. He'd nearly destroyed the SGC and a large area surrounding it.

The beeping of the heart monitor gave away his distress, and a hand gripped his arm gently. He flinched, but the hand remained.

"Easy, McKay."

Sam's voice. He forced his eyes open.

"Hey," Carter smiled at him. "You in there?"

"Here," he muttered quietly.

"That's good. You're going to be okay now."

"No… betray…"

"Not any more, we've fixed the problem. Well, Thor did actually."

Thor, the Asgard? Why would they ask the Asgards for help, for him?

"What… happened?"

"You just concentrate on getting better, the rest can wait."

"No. Tell me…" he looked in her eyes and saw the doubt. Whatever it was, it wasn't good. "Please."

"McKay…" Sam looked away briefly, before sighing and looking him back in the eyes. "Anubis programmed some nanites to take control of you. Thor created a nanite-virus to deactivate the ones Anubis had infected you with. All the nanites are dead now, including the ones Thor made."

Nanites? He'd had nanites running through his body? Oh crap, that didn't sound good. Not good at all.

"Hey, calm down. They're gone now. You're okay. It's okay."

He concentrated on slowing his breathing down, embarrassed that Carter felt the need to reassure him like some frightened child.

"Sorry," he muttered.

"It's understandable."

"Betrayed you, everyone. Sorry."

"Not your fault."

"I should have fought…"

"There was nothing you could have done, McKay. Let it go."

She seemed sincere, but he couldn't let the guilt go that easily; maybe never. But he left it alone for now, he didn't want her to keep reassuring him he wasn't to blame. He didn't deserve absolution; didn't want it. He should have found a way to fight it.

"Stunned people… okay?"

"Yeah, they're fine."

"Hit you."

Carter laughed, making him scowl.

"I hate to break it to you, but you're not a fighter. That has to be the lousiest punch anyone has tried to throw at me," she grinned at him. "No harm done though."

"Humph."

Okay, so he wasn't exactly Rambo or Rocky, but he still had his pride.

He was glad he hadn't hurt her though. And then his scowl deepened.

"You hit me!" he accused, feigning outrage. "Is it broken? It feels broken…"

"If it was broken, you wouldn't be talking half as much," she said lightly, and then looked contrite. "I'm sorry I had to do that though."

"Are you? Thought you'd love the chance to slug me one."

"No! Though the way you're going I might change my mind about that!"

He grinned, carefully because, ow, his jaw was sore.

"You love me really, you just don't want to admit it," he said, the grin turning into a smug leer. He wanted to distract her from the things he really didn't want to talk about; annoy her so she left him alone.

"I can see you're feeling more like your normal self," she said, removing her hand from his arm, and shaking her head in exasperation, but also wondering why she hadn't realised that his lack of response whilst under the control of the nanites was so out of character for him.

"Didn't deny it," he pointed out.

"Would you believe me if I did?"

"Nope."

"Didn't think so," she rolled her eyes. "You're a real pain in the neck."

"I try to be."

"Why doesn't that surprise me?" she said, and then became more serious. "Look, I know this whole ordeal must have been bad for you, very bad, and you really need to talk about it with someone."

"I… know," he admitted reluctantly.

"Good. Dr MacKenzie, a psychiatrist we use sometimes, wants to talk to you."

"Later."

"But you'll talk to him?"

"Yes, yes, I'll talk to him," he snapped, though he didn't intend to say much to the guy. For some reason his reply made Sam smirk. "What?"

"You just sound more like your old self, that's all."

"Right."

Only he wasn't back to his old self. The banter was forced, not natural, but he needed Carter to think he was mending. Needed them all to think it.

He didn't want sympathy. Didn't need it; didn't deserve it. And he certainly didn't want compassion or pity or… friendship. He felt broken inside, but he pushed that to one side, forcing out the banter, the sarcasm, the expected McKay responses. Hiding behind his barriers, where he was safe. Alone, but safe.

Where people were safe from him.

He was relieved when Dr Fraiser came in to top up his pain meds. It helped him to sleep and avoid further conversation.

It was several days later when he went to find Carter, tracking her down to her lab. She was alone, which suited him just fine. The guilt wouldn't leave him for what had happened, even though everyone was telling him he wasn't to blame. He knew that, and yet deep down he couldn't let go of the guilt; the belief that he should have known, should have been able to fight it. It wasn't rational, but then that was the nature of emotions.

Not sure why he was here exactly, but needing not to be alone, he hovered in the doorway for a few moments. Dr MacKenzie said it would take him awhile to fully recover from all that had happened to him, and although he would be returning to Nevada the next day, he wouldn't be allowed back to work for several days, maybe even a couple of weeks. Not until the Area 51 psychiatrist was convinced he was ready to go back.

At least this time, they weren't interested in slapping labels onto him, or probing into his childhood, something he was grateful for. It was hard enough talking about the... torture... the nanites… He shook himself. This MacKenzie guy was good and had managed to pry more out of him than he'd wanted to share, but he knew the Area 51 shrink a little and he wasn't so skilled. It would be easy to 'recover' and get back to work.

There was no way he was going to let Anubis win, so that meant getting past this and getting on with his life. It might take time, but he'd do it. He had to. Even if it meant pushing down the guilt and fear, and ignoring it. He'd do what he needed to get back to work and on with his life. His intellect wasn't broken, even if he was.

Carter had spotted him hanging around the door, so he entered.

Fifteen minutes later, after an awkward thank you for sticking by him whilst he was 'not entirely himself', followed by a discourse on the absurdity of some of the theories she'd told him about whilst he was 'not talking to anyone', found him chased out of the lab by an angry, but very oh so hot, blonde physicist.

He smiled as he made his, for now, retreat.

Things were getting back to normal quite nicely, it seemed.

At least on the outside.